constant complaining

[justice'smom]

My 5 yr old whines and complains about everything and I have had enough. I am here hopeing someone has a solution for us, but I am on the verge of going back to spanking. Everytime the family decides to do something fun he complains about it. We have let him decide too, but I can't let him decide all the time when he is not the only family member. When I say he whines and complains it is horrible. He will not shut up! He goes on and on until my husband or I lose it. We had one occasion where we went on a trip and were planning to stay in a hotel half way to our destinantion, but stopped to see my husbands aunt he hasn't seen in ages and she asked us to stay with her. All hell broke loose. My 5 yr old went off about, "how he wasn't going to stay with these people". Just now we decided to go for a walk and he complained the whole way about how he didn't want to go. I have tryed making what we're doing really fun and still he is a pain in the butt. I know this is horrible, but I am at the end of my rope. I am ready for someone else to raise him because all he ever does is complains and tells everyone how there doing everything wrong. Please tell me someone has been there and knows what to do. I hate that I don't like to be around my own son.

[Collinsky]

mama!! This is SO COMMON at this age! But just knowing it's normal and something that he will almost definitely grow out of doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with it during the times that your buttons are being pushed and you just want it to stop NOW. Particularly if you have a very persistent child who doesn't let it go.

What I did was just be really honest - I explained very lovingly (not when I was irked) that it helps people feel more kind when we use a nice voice and show appreciation, that if we make demands or whine, that even if someone wants to help us, that kind of voice or negative words can make that feel really hard. (I give examples of what I mean by a certain tone of voice, or words that aren't helpful.) Then I give examples of kind words said in a pleasant voice, and say that when you speak that way, it helps other people feel really good about helping you or working something out so that everyone can get what they want. And then when they do remember to use a positive approach when asking for what they want, to respond to that positively, even if you can't give them what they want right then. And if they go back to the habit of whining or being really negative, just remind them, "Sweetie, you're using an angry voice to ask me for something. I'd really prefer it if you said what you wanted in a way that feels good to me," and then rephrase what they want, but in more positive terms, for them. If you can approach it as a teaching situation instead of taking it personally, where each time they do it, I handled it the same way and it really does work.

For a lot of situations, children are powerless, and one way to deal with whining is to prevent it. To be moved around by adults, without really understanding what is going on, feeling very independent but also very helpless, that would make ANYONE whine! -- doing all that you can to make sure that your child doesn't feel confused or powerless can really help some of those cases. Explain things well beforehand, and honor his feelings if he is irked when plans change. Offer choices whenever you can, and realize that just as you expect him to be flexible when your plans change (meaning his plans changed too), offer him that same flexibility if he doesn't want to do something, or changes his mind. This mutual give and take, and modeling courteously making and responding to requests with him and with others in his hearing, can go a long way!

[justice'smom]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

mama!! This is SO COMMON at this age! But just knowing it's normal and something that he will almost definitely grow out of doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with it during the times that your buttons are being pushed and you just want it to stop NOW. Particularly if you have a very persistent child who doesn't let it go.

What I did was just be really honest - I explained very lovingly (not when I was irked) that it helps people feel more kind when we use a nice voice and show appreciation, that if we make demands or whine, that even if someone wants to help us, that kind of voice or negative words can make that feel really hard. (I give examples of what I mean by a certain tone of voice, or words that aren't helpful.) Then I give examples of kind words said in a pleasant voice, and say that when you speak that way, it helps other people feel really good about helping you or working something out so that everyone can get what they want. And then when they do remember to use a positive approach when asking for what they want, to respond to that positively, even if you can't give them what they want right then. And if they go back to the habit of whining or being really negative, just remind them, "Sweetie, you're using an angry voice to ask me for something. I'd really prefer it if you said what you wanted in a way that feels good to me," and then rephrase what they want, but in more positive terms, for them. If you can approach it as a teaching situation instead of taking it personally, where each time they do it, I handled it the same way and it really does work.

For a lot of situations, children are powerless, and one way to deal with whining is to prevent it. To be moved around by adults, without really understanding what is going on, feeling very independent but also very helpless, that would make ANYONE whine! -- doing all that you can to make sure that your child doesn't feel confused or powerless can really help some of those cases. Explain things well beforehand, and honor his feelings if he is irked when plans change. Offer choices whenever you can, and realize that just as you expect him to be flexible when your plans change (meaning his plans changed too), offer him that same flexibility if he doesn't want to do something, or changes his mind. This mutual give and take, and modeling courteously making and responding to requests with him and with others in his hearing, can go a long way!

Thank you for replying so quickly. We have done all those things and it just doesn't seem to make a difference. I have thought about some role playing, me being him and him being me. Maybe I will give that a try.

[jojoboy]

We do role playing here. My kid is only 4, but we do it when he's trying to express something and it is coming across in a socially inappropriate way, which I think is what is happening with you. The trick for us is to do the role playing when my kid is happy and not stressed out by a situation. That way, he can role play with a calm mindset, and I think that helps him absorb the information more.

We also talk about using gentle language (i.e whining is not gentle - positive words and a positive voice are gentle), and working out a compromise. In the moment, I often ask my son, "What could we do to make you feel better about this situation? " Invariably, his first 2-3 suggestions are things we cannot possibly do, so I just say, "OK, we can't do that. Is there anything else you can think of?" Eventually, if he will engage in this discussion, he comes up with something reasonable that we can do, and it dissolves any lingering hostility.

The only other idea that comes to mind is this: I'm a person that does not deal with change well. If you can link your child's behavior to some last minute change of plans, I suggest trying to speak with your child before hand to prepare him for anything that might happen, or also involving your child in the discussion where you actually change plans (instead of just informing him of the change).

Good luck! jojo

[Just1More]

I've been noticing a knack of phrasing things rudely coming from my 4.5 yo lately. Maybe it is the age...I thought it was our company...anyway...

It works for us to say, "I think you meant to say..." and rephrase her rude request for her so she can hear what it sounds like politely said.

Another tactic that may be unpopular...and I feel like every post I type lately has been of the "don't let them push you around" sort, but that's really not who I am overall...anyway, another tactic that may be unpopular is that whiney people NEVER get what they want. I tell dd that people don't like to spend time with people who are not pleasant to be around, and that acting like that will NOT help her get what she wants...from me or anyone else. I try to be a good friend to her, and I expect her to try to be a good friend to me. Friends don't act like that...they take pleasure in things the other person enjoys. So...I would like to go for a walk. You are going to be unpleasant on our walk? Well, now we have to walk 2 minutes more because I was trying to enjoy this walk and you were ruining it for me. Now, I'm going to walk for 2 more minutes, and if you whine anymore I'm starting the timer over. We are going to give you a chance to practice being pleasant because I would like you to be...insert what is important to you....when you are a grown-up. My kids incur a 2 minute penatly for being pushy or pestering me, too. If I am still getting all the plates/drinks ready, don't ask me for your slice of bread or whatever. That's the surest way to be the LAST one served...when I'm good and ready. I try really hard to reciprocate as well...you know, be a good friend to them, and acknowledge when I've been a snot. Grownups do it, too...

In short, I think it is a habit and it's good to help our children develop new habits, by practicing doing the thing the "right" way. It's okay to disagree or not want to do something. It's not okay to be rude and selfish. And whining, is usually selfish, and always rude.

[violet]

My kids, especially my DS (5.5) respond best to concrete explanations of more abstract things like tone of voice. I have demonstrated with vivid playacting how their grumpy,whiny, complaining tone makes me move verrrrrryyyy slowly and want to cover my ears and hide, etc. and how a change in tone can get my attention very fast. This was done when things were mellow and happy, not during a crab-fest.

Then, when whining starts, I let them know they are "on the wrong road". In our house there are two roads -- one that leads to a solution and help and good things. And the wrong road, that leads nowhere good. There are no punishments or even consequences to being on the wrong road. This is just a way to explain it to them.

I tolerate NO whining or complaining. If they start, I just keep repeating my mantra -- "I can't hear that tone of voice, that is the wrong road. start over with a calm voice so I can hear you and we can come up with a solution...." over and over and over until they use the right voice. I'll listen to their complaint in the right voice. But I will often let them know that "this is just the way it is for now. you have the choice to be miserable or to tolerate it until things can change." in my matter of fact, no nonsense voice. I then refuse to engage with the whining until they get over it. My kids all whine and complain. Not a magic pill. But they also know I won't buy into it, they know it won't work, and once they can get a grip they find another way to deal with the situation and with me.

[meemee]

well no really there is no solution.

its an age and phase they go thru.

however they are old enough to hear from their parent when the parent has had enough.

i have been v. vocal to share my state of mind.

even after trying to divert her if all else fails i tell her how i have had enough and it is really irritating me and so if we have to walk together we either do it in silence or we talk about something else.

you'd be surprised how just speaking your mind clears up the situation.

i dont mind whining. it doesnt really bother me.

but anything - after a while - i reach my tolerance level. that's when i stand up and express my needs. i express all my needs at different times. so she gets the great along with the enough ones.

today at 7 all i have to say is enough and that works. somedays i can tell she is carrying something heavy and needs to get the complaining out. that's when i bring in but what about.... and it works out. its not the same as on and on.

to me this isnt really about discipline.

its just finding a way for two people to live in harmony. my dd has the right to tell me when i am irritating her too.

[justice'smom]

Thank you all for your replies. After it was all over and he was in a much better mood we tryed some role playing. I am very amazed at how well it worked out. Now he is stopping when I tell him enough and is actually not complaining about dinner. Dinner was a whole nother complaint. He even asked if we could do a sticker chart so he could see his progress. I guess he got the idea from little brothers potty chart. Anyway, so far so good.
I feel like I need to say that it doesn't bother me if one of my kiddos tells me they don't like something. I just don't like when they go on and on and whine about it too.

[Mom to E and A]

Originally Posted by justice'smom

My 5 yr old whines and complains about everything and I have had enough. I am here hopeing someone has a solution for us, but I am on the verge of going back to spanking. Everytime the family decides to do something fun he complains about it. We have let him decide too, but I can't let him decide all the time when he is not the only family member. When I say he whines and complains it is horrible. He will not shut up! He goes on and on until my husband or I lose it. We had one occasion where we went on a trip and were planning to stay in a hotel half way to our destinantion, but stopped to see my husbands aunt he hasn't seen in ages and she asked us to stay with her. All hell broke loose. My 5 yr old went off about, "how he wasn't going to stay with these people". Just now we decided to go for a walk and he complained the whole way about how he didn't want to go. I have tryed making what we're doing really fun and still he is a pain in the butt. I know this is horrible, but I am at the end of my rope. I am ready for someone else to raise him because all he ever does is complains and tells everyone how there doing everything wrong. Please tell me someone has been there and knows what to do. I hate that I don't like to be around my own son.

Just wanted to offer my hugs as I could have written that myself...my dd is exactly the same. And while it is a product of the age, some kids are "worse" than others and until you have one of those it's hard to understand how hard it is to parent a child like this. And from experience, they do grow out of it, but not completely...my 13 yo doesn't whine, but is still very negative and inflexable. To be fair though, I was like that as a child (and even some now)

[jewelsJZ]

My 5.5 y.o. ds whines and complains a lot and it drives both dh and I insane. The two things that have worked for us are humor and sticker charts. If I start whining and complaining in a silly voice right back, it stops him and he laughs and tells me to do it more. Bonus points if I throw my self on the floor and have a fit. All my kids think this is hilarious. It breaks the mood and we go back to what we are doing.
Also, my son will ask for sticker charts so we have had them for whining/complaining. X number of stickers equals reward, which is usually that he gets to pick an outing for the family to go on over the weekend (free or cheap, approved by mom and dad) or he gets to pick what we eat for dinner or something like that. Easy peasy for us.
We also start dinnertime (this is the main issue for him) with positive stuff, like we all go around and say what the best part of our day was, then go around and say what we are grateful for. They got the hang of it after a while.

[mi.birthdoula]

No advice, but just letting you know my almost 5yo dd does the same thing.
"my clothes are to tight." get a bigger size shirt and I get "my clothes are too big." notheing is ever "right" for her EVER.

Just wanted to give you Hopefully they grow out of it sooner rather than later!