What happens when you get to 3??

[swd12422]

My answer: I have no idea!

DS is nearly 2 and nearly NEVER does anything the first time I ask him. When I get sick of asking, we start counting:
"Sit down in the car seat."
<no response or action>
"That's 1. Please sit down now."
<no response> "That's 2."
<sits in seat>

I have no idea where this came from, but it works (for now). I'm a yeller, so this cuts down on me getting frustrated. I assume that once we get to 3 with no response, I'll just pick him up and do whatever it was for him (sit him down, bring him inside, whatever).

I really want to be a gentle parent and not yell, and not forcibly move my kids around. So is this setting us up for a not-so-gentle outcome? Is there a better way?

FTR, as gentle as I want to be, I'm NOT going to stand there and beg my kid 10 times to do something. Once should be enough, although I know at 2 years old it's not going to be that way. But I don't want him to be 10 and thinking he's got 8 more chances before he HAS to do what I'm asking.

[LynnS6]

I have no idea either , but I know that this sometimes works for my dd.

Actually, sometimes what I do is take a page from Playful Parenting and when my kids as "or what?" I'll say something like "I'll scream!" And then I'll scream in a really melodramatic fashion. If I'm not feeling so playful, I'll state the obvious "I'm going to be really mad." When dd was little, I would say something like "and then I'll help your body go where it needs to be."

I think the real answer is that most people who count have an implied "time out" or other consequence at the end. For my kids, somehow the implied urgency gets my kids moving.

[GradysMom]

it sounds like counting works for you - helps keep it smooth. the few times I've had similar experiences and as you do if "counting/ deep breaths/waiting don't do it I do it or them... i think that way they kind learn what is a non-negotiable like safety.

[Mama2Bug]

I used to be the same way. I had no idea what would happen when I got to three, but the counting worked for some obscure reason. Well, it worked for a while. Eventually, DD figure out that I didn't know what happened any more than she did and started laughing at us and counting along while she did whatever she pleased.

I always said I wanted to be fairly non-putative, but we've been using a modified version of time-out for around a year. (DD is almost 5.) First, she gets a general reminder of what we're doing or a "hey, knock it off" kind of thing. Then I say "I don't want to count, but I will if I have to." Then, I start to count to three- pretty slowly, I might add. If, after all of that, she doesn't get in the car/put on some pants/stop rubbing sand into the cat, she has to "sit for four minutes." (We've been sticking to the one minute per year guideline.)

After her time is up, we talk about why she was sitting and how she can avoid it next time. Then we go about our lives.

It isn't my ideal fix, but as someone brought up with beatings, it's the best I can do right now.

[Lilygoose]

I guess what I'd do (and have started even though my DD is only 13 mos and doesn't really understand yet) is use this as an opportunity to give the child a chance do do it on their own, or if they haven't by the count of 3, help them. IE- get into the carseat by 3 or you'll put the child in the carseat. I am a believer that my child needs to learn to listen to me or other known and trusted adults, but I also firmly believe that behavior is a choice and she should have the opportunity to make the choice to follow my directions or not and to accept the outcome of either of these choices.

[justKate]

Hmm. I think at 2--and don't hold me to it, because DD is only 9 mos.--it's like the PP said, Please do X or I will help you be safe by doing _________. Please put your shoes on or I will help you do it.

Otherwise when I get to 3, a CHANGE WILL OCCUR. For example, we will leave the restaurant, I will pull over so that you can finish yelling, I will help you do task x, etc.

Basically a change will occur that is not within your control and you may or may not like the outcome.

[JL83]

At 3, we do it for her. It's not a punishment, it's just that she's lost the opportunity to do it herself. So, I'll put her shoes on or lift her into the carseat at 3.

[chfriend]

We used counting to see how long until what needed to happen to start the car happened.

So after 3 came 4, 5, 6....I was amazed that almost every request I made was complied with within 20 seconds.

Good perspective.

[peaceful_mama]

neat perspective there, that most things get complied with in 20 secs....

I use this, and on 'three'...if my daughter won't get in her carseat, I move to start helping her do it.
MOST of the time this is enough to get HER into action to do it herself.

which is what I wanted in the end anyway, everyone to be buckled so we can go. She wants to go. She also wants to be very slow about it....*I* do not always have time, like this morning when we were running behind to preschool. (for ds1 who is 5)

Lots of times "Three" means, I have waited long enough for you to move to do this yourself, it needs to happen (like carseat) so now I will help you.

It eliminates screaming for me too.

all in all i figure a little less-than-wanted help is better than screaming.

[_betsy_]

DD1 is 3. At 1, she gets the instruction again. At 2, I start moving toward her/physically engaging in doing whatever I asked her to do. At 3, I do it for her. Whether that's removing her from standing on the couch, or sitting her in her car seat, or whatever.

She knows that 1 is a free pass. She knows that at 2, I get off my butt/more focused. She knows that at 3, she's lost the opportunity to do it herself.

I really think if I just kept counting, she'd start counting with me. Maybe that would just turn things silly and playfuil, and that usually works, too! Much better than being stern, which feels all sorts of wrong.

Oh, I've had good results with just counting 1-2-3! quickly, upbeat, etc. and helping her do whatever. More to indicate that this is something we can do quickly and doesn't have to be some long and drawn out process.

[onemoremom]

When my son was a toddler, like a few have mentioned when we got to 3 (or 5, whatever number I told him I'd count to, and of course usually plenty slowly with enough reminders that he did get a real chance to do what was being asked) we would do it for him.

That was fine for all of us. Because around that age when he KNEW that he *could*, say, climb up into his carseat, having mom or dad lift him up and do it FOR HIM was like the most horrible unspeakable punishment/torture ever invented. We did occasionally have to actually step in and do 'whatever thing' for him, but rarely. Once or twice in a 6 month period was usually frequent enough to remind him that we were serious, and would indeed follow through on what we told him, so we didn't even have to do much beyond the counting usually.

It worked on me about the same way, except when I was a kid it was usually a spanking at the end of '3'. For my kid, it was a getting-PUT-in-the-car-when-he-wanted-to-do-it-himself, or we-ARE-leaving-the-restaurant-right-this-second, or mommy-will-put-that-toy-away-and-that-means-on-top-of-the-refrigerator-until-tomorrow.


ETA-I am a big fan of gentle parenting, of course. But I am also of a mind that says the couple times in my sons life where I was in the position of trying to *gently* stuff a screaming flailing toddler into his carseat on a day of icy rain so we could get home BEFORE the nor'easter really hit, or some such thing, is (while obviously not ideal or even good) simply not the same as purposefully hitting him for punishment. I know some people would disagree with me, and so for them the do-it-for-them when you get to 3 may not work. because sometimes doing it for them? really really sucks.


Anyway.
Now that he's a bit older, almost 6, it's more of a game. 'Betcha can't do xyz before I count to 10!' and off he rushes to do xyz.

I do this when he's just being a silly stinker about stuff like getting into the car when we're going somewhere, getting into the bathroom for his bath/shower, etc.. Stuff I KNOW he's perfectly capable of. Not anything like, say, tying a shoe, because he's not quite there yet and it would just be stressful and embarrassing for him.

we get home from the grocery store. I start grabbing bags from the trunk 'Hey DS, Momma needs some help. Will you take the key and go unlock the front door for me please? mom suddenly realizes how stinking heavy these groceries are! 'Hey buddy! Think you can get that door open before I finish counting to 10? Yeah sure we can do the counting together in Spanish....Uno...Dos....these are HEAVY babe get going....Tres...yep turn it to the right....Quatro...will you hold that open for me?'

He has fun with the 'game' aspect and I get to know he brushed his teeth, I got the help I needed, it didn't take him an hour of goofing off to buckle into his booster, etc..So the counting has changed a lot over the years but still helps me a lot sometimes. Especially if I remind myself to take a good deep breath at each number I find that a VERY useful addition to the counting tool.

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by swd12422

DS is nearly 2 and nearly NEVER does anything the first time I ask him.

Well, my son is nearly 3 and it hasn't got much better I too get really, really frustrated and have yelled a few times. I don't expect him to do what he's told the first time (he is only 2 after all), but after the 3rd time where its clear he's not listening I get mad.

We try to follow Alfie Kohn and Unconditional Parenting so some things I'm working on:

-Giving him plenty of time. If he's just being slow and pokey and not being crazy, whiny, or defiant, then I just let him take his own time to get into the car seat or do something. Sometimes it requires a few gentle nudges to keep moving but this shift in thinking has kept me from getting mad. Yesterday it took almost 15 minutes for him to put on his shoes and he wouldn't let me help. But I didn't have to be anywhere right away so I just waited. Annoying for me, but I think its valuable to let my son do things at his own pace.

-Find out if there is a reason for the delay. Sometimes he wants to play with a toy so I let him bring it in the car or stroller. Right now he likes to play with the steering wheel for a few minutes before he climbs into the back of the car so I let him instead of turning it into a battle.

-Explain why we need to hurry. "Oh no, our friends are waiting for us at the playground lets hurry up and go see them!"

I'm not a fan of counting to three because when I see other moms doing that on the playground its always in a mean and threatening tone. Not saying anyone here is doing it that way, but I see it enough that it a parenting turnoff for me.

[Cavy]

At "three" I do something to get my way, or I impose a threatened punishment (like losing all computr access the next day).

[amandaleigh37]

I've found recently that my 3yo really responds to the counting. Like you, I have a tendency to yell so it helps me too.

I try to always give the consequence before counting, like "I've asked you to go to the bathroom to brush your teeth. Now I'm going to give you 5 seconds. If you're not in the bathroom at 5, we won't have time to read a book tonight." Or "I will give you 5 seconds to get in your car seat, or else I will have to pick you up and put you in." I've only gotten to 5 once, and yes he threw a fit when we got upstairs and didn't read a book. But he knows I am serious now.

I really wish I could just say "Go brush your teeth now or we won't have time to read a book tonight." but that never works. Something about hearing the number "1" really gets his attention.

It is SO tempting to overuse it though, so I really try other methods of getting him to listen... and save the counting for when we really need it.

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by JL83

At 3, we do it for her. It's not a punishment, it's just that she's lost the opportunity to do it herself. So, I'll put her shoes on or lift her into the carseat at 3.