My dh is videotaping us/taking pictures of us when are at our lowest... - Page 2

[meemee]

have you tried to do the same with your dh? videotaped him when he was at his worst? angry or down?

i can see he is a stubborn man but a good one eh? i just wish you could find a way of showing him how his ways are futile.

[KurumiSophia]

My father did that to me one time and did show me the tape. I was absolutely horrified at how I looked. I couldn't believe how I looked to others so my tantrums stopped. Now it didn't stop other bad behaviour that I perpetrated but it did help with that bit of my behaviour. I will give it to my dad, he destroyed the tape after he showed it to me.

I think it has a lot to do with the child and their level of maturity. While I have no plans of doing that with my daughter, I don't think that I would completely count out that as a tool to use.

[Ahappymel]

I am curious whether more context about who my dh is as a parent change your response.
He is otherwise a very involved, attentive, active, loving and pro-attachment parenting dad. He supports our breastfeeding, family bed, non-vax, non-circ, homebirthing value wholeheartedly.
THIS though. Ugh.
He honestly believe in value here. I think it's because he was raised (we both were) in authoritarian households and reverts back to some weird ideas about what instills change in another person.
I've let him know that REGARDLESS of what he feels what "benefit" can come out of this for me/the kids, I want him to STOP because I/we don't like it.
That is ENOUGH for him to stop immediately.

[ameliabedelia]

I'm sorry he's doing that to you...how crazy!! That is extremely disrespectful.

My parents used to always threatening to tape us when we were upset/tantruming as kids and then show it to our future boyfriends but they never actually DID it...it was more like a joke-type thing.

[GinnyMama]

Oh my goddess... this is the most horrifying thing I've heard all day. I don't have any advice that others haven't given already, but I did want to offer some hugs and emotional support. I'm going through some PPD right now (first time ever), and it's so awful. I already feel stupid crying all the time. I KNOW how ridiculous I look, thank you very much! I can't even fathom how I'd feel if DH took pictures to prove the point. Like a pp said, I'd probably be pushed over the edge. I'm so sorry you've got to deal with this. (((hugs)))

[Avani]

My ex did this but to me only. He video taped me at nine months pregnant with him having just thrown me down a flight of stairs and me saying i couldn't live any longer and he had all the kids with him and he kept saying look kids mama doesn't want to live anymore, she is going to leave all of you without a mama. It was horrible and violating. The camera was stolen out of his truck which i believe was his karma for it. I'm sorry he is doing that. It isn't helpful it is a breech of trust and horribly violating. We should all be able to experience life without it having to be videotaped and thrown back into our faces.

[Dingletwitz]

I've used my "tantrum cam" before--mostly when I was exhausted with a frustrated child and wanted to watch it when I wasn't so I could figure out what the heck was going on....But then.....Dd went through a phase where she loved watching her "fits" on the computer, and she would coach herself on the video--like "it's time to take a deeeeeeeep breath and use your words!"
So,, it turned out to be a strange and unique learning experience for her that I never intended for.

[plunky]

People are over-reacting. I've never done this, but been tempted to. The temptation comes out of conversations with the upset person where they completely disavow any tantrums or otherwise ridiculous behavior. So, then logically you think about SHOWING them that they actually do the crazy stuff.

There is an Everybody Loves Raymond where he tapes Deborah when she's upset with him. I think it's a common phenomenon. Certainly not worth destroying your husband's property, dragging him into counseling, yelling at him, and then divorcing him like various people have suggested in the thread.

[Ahappymel]

I did find lost of talk about it at several sites...but quite frankly, none of them were attachment parenting sites and none were gentle discipline centered either. They all seemed pretty authoritarian-based models.
I don't know what's going on in the mainstream media in terms of sitcoms...the scope of things that are normalized...and I don't rely on it for my own personal reference. There are several thing normalized in the mainstream that are the exact opposite of my ideals.

[Ahappymel]

Oh...and the camera is my property

[GinnyMama]

Originally Posted by plunky

People are over-reacting. I've never done this, but been tempted to. The temptation comes out of conversations with the upset person where they completely disavow any tantrums or otherwise ridiculous behavior. So, then logically you think about SHOWING them that they actually do the crazy stuff.

There is an Everybody Loves Raymond where he tapes Deborah when she's upset with him. I think it's a common phenomenon. Certainly not worth destroying your husband's property, dragging him into counseling, yelling at him, and then divorcing him like various people have suggested in the thread.

A month ago, I might have agreed with you, whole-heartedly. I don't know about the situation with taping the children. I have no first-hand experience there. But now that I'm going through PPD, and I understand that it is real... it's not about knowing how ridiculous you look. Really. I mean, if you're a perfectly mentally stable person at the moment, yet you're having a tantrum about something, perhaps seeing a videotape of yourself could "snap you out of it". But depression is a serious and real thing... and personally, I KNOW how ridiculous I look. I know. And it makes it worse. To have your DH... the person who is supposed to be there for you during such tough times... humiliate you like that... well, it is just too horrific for me to think about right now.

You talk about logically showing the person their ridiculous behavior. Don't you think that if the person was being logical, they wouldn't be acting that way in the first place? Logic has no place in emotion. Tantrum or otherwise.

[InMediasRes]

That is borderline abuse. I can't think of anything worse than humiliating a child to try to get them to bottle up their feelings.

I GUESS I could see using it as a tool to talk through the tantrum again with your child during the calm time, but certainly not to say, "Look at what a dope you are that you're throwing this fit, you should never do that again!". Which is basically what it sounds like he's trying to do.

Does he KNOW that 3 year olds universally still throw tantrums, that it is a release of emotions, that it's not "bad" behavior, etc.? People are entitled to their feelings.

Hugs, mama. This sounds like a really tough situation. I would be losing the camera for sure.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by plunky

People are over-reacting. I've never done this, but been tempted to. The temptation comes out of conversations with the upset person where they completely disavow any tantrums or otherwise ridiculous behavior. So, then logically you think about SHOWING them that they actually do the crazy stuff.

There is an Everybody Loves Raymond where he tapes Deborah when she's upset with him. I think it's a common phenomenon. Certainly not worth destroying your husband's property, dragging him into counseling, yelling at him, and then divorcing him like various people have suggested in the thread.

* A person that loves you, will never humiliate you.

* A partner that is debating the use of "unusual parenting" will respect your opinion and your say in raising your children together.

* Videotaping as a one time incident is strange, videotaping as a consistent parenting and relatinoship tool, AFTER I explained how much it affects me, and how much I'm concerned about the effect it might have on our toddler is emotional abuse.

If my parents OR my partner decided to use this, I can very well envision a nervous break down and complete emotional withdrawal from a person who is trying "to teach me a lesson". I know what a healthy relationship looks like, and this is ain't it!

[mamazee]

I would feel humiliated, and I would think the child would feel that way as well. I'd get rid of the video recorder or him.

[guestmama9971]

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[GoBecGo]

Once when my DD was going through a phase of having a very specific type of tantrum which we knew was something physical but which she wouldn't talk to us about i filmed her, for about 10 seconds. Once she had calmed down i showed her and she said "That was when i was sad when the caca was hurting my tummy". I realise what your DH is doing is different but is he showing them and saying "look, look how stupid you look!" or is he saying "can you tell me why this was happening?". We cured our DD's ongoing bowel issues (which could be gone one day and terribly painful for her the next so we never realised it was that) after that short taping, which i too deleted immediately.

The autism really complicates things. I'm mildly autistic, ost of my family are, and actually being shown how i'm acting on tape is incredibly useful and revealing to me, because i'm not always that in touch with how what i'm feeling is coming out ihow i'm acting.

[Smithie]

If what will work is the Voice of Authority, then you can tell your DH that my DH and I were in the developmental pediatrician's office not two weeks ago with a tape of my son totally freaking out during his Consecration ceremony. (DH wasn't intending to tape him acting nutty, we was actually hoping for a nice tape of an important religious milestone, but that's not how it went...) Anyhow, we thought the tape would be very useful for the dev ped to see the triggers of the stimming behaviors, which stims he resorted to, to talk to our son about about what he was feeling in that moment, etc. The doctor DID find it useful as a dxing tool, but he made a huge point of promising our son that nobody would ever deliberately make a tape of him that he would be embarrassed to see. And he told us to switch off the tape next time the misbehavior starts, because he's now seen what he needed to see and no good comes from having that stuff around.

So. There you go. A licensed professional with a white coat and a prescription pad says that deliberately making humiliating tapes of small children is a big no-no.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by plunky

People are over-reacting. I've never done this, but been tempted to. The temptation comes out of conversations with the upset person where they completely disavow any tantrums or otherwise ridiculous behavior. So, then logically you think about SHOWING them that they actually do the crazy stuff.

There is an Everybody Loves Raymond where he tapes Deborah when she's upset with him. I think it's a common phenomenon. Certainly not worth destroying your husband's property, dragging him into counseling, yelling at him, and then divorcing him like various people have suggested in the thread.

That's interesting, I didn't know people do this taping thing. Doesn't make it OK. Though I agree that divorce seems a little extreme.

I would imagine that the context is important. The audience was probably supposed to conclude that Raymond taping Deborah was a stupid, insensitive, utterly disrespectful thing to do, typical boneheaded-Raymond stuff.

More important in the OP's situation is that her dh didn't stop when the OP told him to. He won't hear my explanations about how it makes me feel.

[mammastar2]

Ugh. If your child or your spouse is going through a hard time and you're picking up a camera to film it, then you're doing that instead of helping them feel better, comforting them, removing them from a situation that isn't working, providing a soothing presence, helping them talk it through, or helping them feel loved. Doesn't sound like a good use of time to me.

A camera also creates distance in a really creepy way. If my spouse created a video of me designed to show me at my worst moment, I'd feel humiliated and unloved, thinking "while I was [sad/mad/unhappy], THAT was all he could see." It's just such a distancing thing to do, and it would make me scared to express how I was feeling for entirely appearance-related reasons. That's not a good message to send to a kid. It doesn't give them any tools to deal with their feelings, and just instills fear of how they look to others when they express them.

[MissLotus]

I don't think divorce is extreme. What he's doing is disrespectful, to put it mildly, and really creepy. Instead of showing caring, concern or constructive discipline, he detaches himself enough to get behind a camera and start filming? It's obvious that he is the one with emotional problems and can't deal with them in a healthy manner. He's willing to be at odds with his wife over this! and willing to humiliate his children. I'd tell him to take his camera and have a nice life with it.