Just wanted to check back in and restate my point, in case I was unclear. Again, OP, I'm ever trying to offer helpful suggestions and feedback and I do know this has to be a challenging situation for you and your DH.
In my opinion, your DH is not abusing you or your children by attempting to record a temper tantrum or other episode and then replay it so that you or the children can observe yourselves. Weird? Yes!! It is
weird. Do I think it works? Clearly not in this situation. But it isn't abusive - even emotionally. Especially during arguments, even extended ones, most people refuse to drop an issue and continue to belabor the point. Helpful? No. Emotional? Yes, for both parties. Abusive? NO, not generally.
Emotional, physical, mental, spiritual... abuse takes many forms. But one parent disagreeing over parenting tactic/technique, however passionately, and the other continuing to do it (or refusing) does not make the situation abusive. It's no more abusive than OP disagreeing and not allowing her DH to video tape.
If it hurts him that she continuously refuses to allow it (and clearly it does), and makes him feel humiliated as a father, does that make her abusive? I'd challenge anyone to find as much support for that claim on these boards - both because she's the mother and because it's just as ludicrous a claim on the flipside.Both
parents have a right to make parenting choices, even those the other parent disagrees with. Homogeneity in parenting does not provide children the opportunity to observe passionate argument and resolution, to observe senseless acts and then, sensitivity & apology, etc.
To bring up spanking as a defense is shallow. This is a much more delicate issue. Given that the OP stated her husband was otherwise a wonderful father makes it crystal clear to me that this is an isolated disagreement between the parents and should be approached as such - not by a hysteric "I'd throw him out so fast..." perspective. That simply isn't rational or helpful, and to label the husband abusive may be what OP is looking for, but I suspect it is not truth. Let us remember not to bear false witness against others - most if not all of our replies are, to this family, the thoughts of strangers. There is an important difference between being angry/in disagreement and being humiliated - another term thrown around much too casually. To label this woman's husband as emotionally abusive so casually and one-sidedly is a shame to those who do so.
Again, good luck OP. I do think pastoral or marital counseling is a great idea for parents who are committed to healthy parenting but struggling to see eye to eye on specific issues. You may not end up seeing eye to eye on this, but hopefully you can find some discipline compromises that help the most important person in this situation - your kid. Take care!!