DD's aggression is out of control

[pishajane]

and i'm totally at a loss for what to do.

She's nearly 3.5yo, and my 22mo DS is catching the brunt of her anger/jealousy/boundary testing or whatever the heck this is about. He is seriously attacked by her at least 5 times a day - biting, hitting, pulling hair, pushing, kicking, you name it...

I can recognise the anger and frustration, and generally am able to step in and at least put myself between them so she can't get to him, but it's the ones that occur out of the blue. Many times they're happily playing together or near each other, and suddenly DD will just lunge for him for no apparent reason, and even seems rather pleased with herself afterwards, often laughing.

I try to be as vigilant as possible, but honestly, short of carrying one of them around all day, which i'm not allowed to do even if i wanted to (Pubic symphisis issues, 24 wks pg), i can't see how to stop this from happening. I play with them a LOT, and almost every time i get up to do something else, even if it's just to use the bathroom, i can almost guarantee she'll try to hurt him in some way.

One of the worst parts is that DS is now becoming aggressive too, even though he is a very gentle boy. He's had to put up with this since about 4 mos, so i guess he thinks it's normal...

Please please help with any suggestions that might work. I'm at my wit's end with this, and want to stop the yelling. TIA!

[wagamama]

I have no advice, but am here to commisserate as I am in a similar boat with DS (4.5) and DD (almost 2). I can't leave the room for a minute without DS doing something to DD. My parents were visiting this month, and they were shocked by DS's behaviour. They said that my sister and I played together all the time as toddlers, and never once hurt each other. I don't know what I'm doing wrong over here.

[Letitia]

More unhelpful empathy. DD will be 3 in January, DS is 17 months, and she goes through days when she brutalizes him the whole time. She grabs his hair and pulls him over backwards, grinning as she does it. Nothing we have done, mainly time outs and taking things away from her, has helped. In other situations, she's a sweet, slightly shy little girl, and she has never done anything like what she does with him to anyone else. But with him, it's just awful. I was actually going to post about it tonight because I was so at the end of my rope with her today.

The kicker? My parents are dismayed to hear about it and say they never had to deal with that sort of issue with me and my younger sister, and I KNOW I beat my sister mercilessly from as far back as I can remember until about late elementary school. I feel so guilty about having done that now, and I think it still affects my relationship with my sister.

It is probably that bad feeling that keeps me from losing it and spanking my daughter.

[pishajane]

Thanks guys. I'm sorry you are going through this as well.
It's so hard. I've been thinking about looking into possible ASD issues, but DH thinks i'm overreacting and just unable to handle the situation.

Family and friends are totally unhelpful too - most recommend spanking and ignoring DD for a period of time so she *learns*. Even my most crunchy friend (i don't have many!) basically said it's my fault for not being strict enough.

I feel like such a failure as a mother at this point. I feel like somehow i've let DD down, and continue to let her down with my reactions to her behaviour. I'm having a really hard time connecting with either of the kids - i'm just so at the end of my tether.

[GoBecGo]

What do you do when it happens?

I find "tend to the wounded" is sometimes the most hepful approach. That is i grab the hurt child away, rub their injury and commiserate loudly, then get them a drink or whatever and take them right away from the aggressor. I do not talk to or even look at the hitter, if they are in my way i side-step them as if they weren't there. Only when the hurt child is calm again do i snap back to "normal". If nothing else it teaches that the reward for aggressive behaviour is watching someone else get a lot of attention and care while you get nothing. You've probably tried this already. With some kids it can take a while to join those dots but it usually works for me (these are not my kids though, i only have one, and they might be learning "LO's mom is scar, don't fight around her" rater than anything useful, though i treat DD exactly the same if it's her that did the hurting.

[pishajane]

I've tried many different ways of dealing with it - at the moment i generally just yell and comfort DS, which i know is totally unproductive (the yelling part) but i just can't seem to help it.
I really think that DD needs me in these instances to be there with her, to know that just because she's out of control doesn't mean i won't help her, or that i don't want to be around her anymore. Am i completely off base with this thinking? When she's REALLY out of control, i usually pick her up and take her to her room, and i sit on the bed near her while she screams and wait for her to calm down and talk to me.

I guess the problem is that every little thing sets her off - every time DS is having fun with something she grabs it off him or races over to pinch/push him. She calls every toy *hers* and gets majorly PO'd when DS has anything that looks like fun. Even things we've specifically said are his.

She just seems to be out to get him all the time, and i am at a loss to figure out how to instill some compassion/respect/empathy - are these things just too advanced for her right now? Even as i ask that, i realise that DS is already at 22mos displaying some of these traits... I just don't know where i've gone wrong with DD, and how the heck to fix it.

[GoBecGo]

You have not gone wrong, she is not broken, you have nothing to fix!

People are all different, that's all. Also if being mean to your sibling made you a monster the world would be about 70% monsters!

I don't think you're off-base with wanting to show her you're there for her, i think my approach is just different. I am NOT very GD by many standards. I would never strike DD in any way, and i try really hard not to yell at her, but when it comes to violence i guess i feel that it's only fair i teach her the way of the world - NO-one wants to be around a violent aggressive person. I feel that what i fail to teach her society will teach her and they will be crueller teachers. If you are violent enough they even lock you up. It is completely unnacceptable to me, and thus i take the approach i do. The downside of it is that yes, DD is left alone with these violent feelings while i sort out whoever got hurt (to be fair to DD it is usually she who is hurt, as she's not a very aggressive child) but she isn't going to communicate with me about them anyway until she learns that following that aggressive impulse is going to get her precisely nothing. We always hug and tell one another we love one another when these things have happened, she knows i love HER, even when i have hated her behaviour.

[mum21andtwins]

my ds (5) has times where he does this he usually has a need for attetion from just me (I have 2y/o twins)
If he has hit them i pick up the hurt child and say to him something like " I want to spend time with you but righ now I need to care for your brother. when you have calmed down I'd love it if you would join us"
he normally takes whatever time he needs to calm down and then quickly comes and rubs his brothers hurts and makes up.
I found just leaving him made him anxious and saying something like this makes him feel heard to since he only hurts his brother on purpose when he has an unfulfilled need.

[Starflower]

I think mum21andtwins has good insight.

I have some book suggestions:

I just finished reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene because we've been having trouble with DD's aggressive behaviors (throwing things at people and screaming at them) when she is frustrated. The book is in line with GD practices. I think empathy is a key to helping an out of control child get composed. There is also a thread on MDC about "The Explosive Child."

Mary Sheedy Kucinka's "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" is also excellent and deals a lot with difficult personalities and types of personalities.

Also you may want to check out "Siblings Without Rivalry" - I have an only child so I have not read this one, but I've seen it recommended by many people and heard wonderful things about it.

I hope you are able to get to the bottom of why your DD is feeling so frustrated that she is hurting her brother. Good luck.

[J. Jones]

Have you tried carving out some time to spend with DD?

It sounds like she has some unmet needs.

What does she like to do best? If you can devote some real one-on-one time with her so her emotional and connection needs get met, it might help sooth her rage. Remember, the time together has to be something she chooses and has a lot of control in (she picks the castle to play with, or the car set, etc.).

A good session of on-the-floor doll play and cuddling (without lectures) where you bond with her is a good idea.