Can we speak frankly about older child adoption and love? - Page 3

[mamarhu]

With the bio-dumplings, I feel guilty and responsible for their every imperfection. The tiniest problem (saying a bad word) and I project the worst, most extreme conclusion (a life of crime, jail time, on AND ON). It's the opposite with the foster dumplings. Someone else "damaged" them. Anything they do well, I can take credit for. If I get this girl through high school without pregnancy, I'll be pretty proud of myself. If my boy never has a legal problem, I will call that success.

I hope it doesn't seriously sound like I have lower standards for the foster dumplings than the bios. I hope all my kids will be the best they can be. But I beat myself up less over the ones with more outside influences.

[karne]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I know a mom online who adopted five daughters, with pretty severe issues (FASD and RAD), and she made the point that while she might not have been able to totally fix these girls (though they have done much better as adults than they likely would have had they not been adopted, so in that sense she is "successful")....that the difference for her *grandchildren*, who are mostly normal kids who have escaped the vicious foster care/abuse/neglect cycle, is very apparent. So sometimes you have to look further than even your own kids to see the impact your parenting has made.

Beautiful post. What a great perspective.

[Proxi]

I think it really depends. For example, I find newborns really hard to love, where has toddlers have so much personality! Most families I know who have adopted older children have had no problems with the love part, but the families I have known who have had problems (in the sense that the adopted child felt left out) did already have biological children. I am not saying in any way that if you have biological children you can't adopt older children as well, I am just saying that it might be a tad more difficult of an adjustment.

[Alvenchrst]

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenjane View Post
I know a mom online who adopted five daughters, with pretty severe issues (FASD and RAD), and she made the point that while she might not have been able to totally fix these girls (though they have done much better as adults than they likely would have had they not been adopted, so in that sense she is "successful")....that the difference for her *grandchildren*, who are mostly normal kids who have escaped the vicious foster care/abuse/neglect cycle, is very apparent. So sometimes you have to look further than even your own kids to see the impact your parenting has made.
Beautiful post. What a great perspective.

i TOTALLY agree! I have a good friend who adopted a Russian girl at 11, I know the family really well and it has been much the same for them. It's not perfect, not the same motherly relationship you would see with younger children, but they get that, accept it, and work with it, which I think rocks.

I also really appreciated RedOakMama's ideas about pictures. I have felt the same thing with my bio kids and picture taking and it helping you choose to dwell on the positive. And I also agree that we bond differently with our bio children. I'm grateful to know and understand and have worked through those differences before adoption. I know myself and that it will take time, and that is a great comfort to have going in. To give yourself grace and keep working at it.