1-2-3 Magic?

[2lilsweetfoxes]

What are peoples' take on this? The class is being offered locally and I'm interested in taking it.

[Shannie77]

I read the book many years ago out of desperation when I first started teaching ballet and had a couple of extremely badly behaved children. Basically what I remember is you ask them to stop X behaviour, count to 3 and if the behaviour doesn't stop you give them a time out. I don't remember much past that.

It did work for me in my ballet class... although now I don't use that approach.

The problem I have with the count down technique is it basically forces the child to submit, rather than helping them choose to do the right thing, or letting them come round to it in their own time. That said, I do use count down for the car seat though but that is about it (minus the time out).

Personally I got rid of the book and prefer a non-timeout approach. I have read a few books on positive discipline and have gotten a lot more out of them.

Some that come to mind.
* Unconditional Parenting
* One called "Positive Discipline.."
* Screamfree Parenting
* How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, & Listen so Kids will Talk - loved it

HTH a bit!

[JL83]

I really hate the way it removes emotion from parenting. I understand where it's coming from. It's a good alternative for people who tend to do nothing and then lose their temper and scream/yell/hit their kids.

The basic idea is that you let the kid know that something isn't acceptable. Then the next time they do it you say "that's 1". If they do it again in an "age appropriate" time frame you count them '2'... If you get to 3 within a certain time then they have a time out. You aren't supposed to talk with them about it, you just say "that's 3, go to time out.". If they don't go on their own, then you carry them and they get a double time out.

It's very punitive, and every parent I've seen use this method for more than a week or two has ended up doing so in a very bullying kind of way. They don't feel like teach their kid or explaining something, so they just start counting. So then their poor confused kid stands there unable to actually learn anything because if they argue, they'll get counted.

Because it focuses on regaining control, it's doesn't seem to focus on attachment.

I don't like it. I know people who use it and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think it asks too much out of kids. I know my 3yo can't sit still for 3 minutes. But this method would have me restart the time-out each time she got up.

[Llyra]

I think it's a very good alternative for parents who are really struggling with moving away from worse practices-- trying to stop cycles of yelling, spanking, and slapping, for instance, or passive-aggressive permissiveness. At the very least, the counting and time-out routine is not abusive, and it's a good technique for parents who need something to do to stop the cycle of abusive habits. And counting and time-out are at least direct, and are less manipulative than passive strategies like using guilt and sarcasm to motivate a child.

And I have no objection to counting and time-outs, in certain circumstances. But that book makes it seem like you handle EVERY situation by counting and then punishing. It's a one-size-fits-all method.

So I would only recommend it if you're drowning in a terrible parenting situation, and desperately need a lifeboat. But if you're basically doing okay, and are committed to gentle parenting, and are looking to learn more, then I don't think this method has too much to offer. You can sum it up real quick-- "tell the kid what he must not do, then when he does it, count to three with a real threatening look on your face, and if he doesn't stop by 3, stick him in timeout. Repeat as necessary."

[peaceful_mama]

I actually saw a presentation video of this on the local school network.

I agree, it is good for people who've gotten out of control with screaming and possibly other 'bad habits.' (which I had, at least in my own opinion.)

I use it, but not exactly as presented. I don't force my kids to go to time-out. I use a consequence that makes sense, and that's it. (Like if the issue is playing around at the dinner table, "3" means I take your plate. If it's playing rough in the bathtub, "3" means an end to bathtime.)
And it does give me something to do besides start yelling.
For example, the whole dinner-bath-bed routine with three tired tiny kids was just insane.

Now, I almost NEVER even get to "2" with anything with my 5 year old. 2 1/2 year old, she is starting to really understand it too.

What it's done for me and my kids is---it gets their attention! Because I did this and stuck with it, every time we got to "three" whatever I said was going to happen happened, they know that when I start counting, I'm serious. It will even get their attention so that I can say something else to add some "teaching" to the moment.

Also, on the rare occasion I do use a time-out as the "punishment", it's for as long as they feel angry, or until they feel they can stop doing XYZ, it's about when THEY feel in control. Not about some arbitrary number of minutes. I've had my daughter come to me after 30 seconds to a minute, tell me she's going to stop, and do it. I've had my son stay away longer than his prescribed 5 minutes because he was still mad. *THAT* to me is the purpose of any sort of "separation" is to teach the child that when you want to hurt someone or something, you should go away and cool down somehow rather than following that impulse.

So, in short, I think my modified approach has worked wonderfully with my kids. and while it is teaching "avoid the punishment" i suppose, to me it's also giving them a chance to change before you just swoop in and take action. And it's worked with my son to give him an absolute concrete 'this must change NOW" message, loud and clear. so well that like I said I rarely get past One.

[Violet2]

I know a momma using this and I had to bite me tongue. SHe's in therapy trying to do better than her own abusive childhood. 123 Magic works for her so I'm not going to speak against it.

However, I do think my friend is eventually going to realize that counting to 3 gives kids more time to hurry up and do whatever it is that is annoying her faster/more intensely. It almost encourages dawdling.



V

[JL83]

Originally Posted by Violet2

I know a momma using this and I had to bite me tongue. SHe's in therapy trying to do better than her own abusive childhood. 123 Magic works for her so I'm not going to speak against it.

However, I do think my friend is eventually going to realize that counting to 3 gives kids more time to hurry up and do whatever it is that is annoying her faster/more intensely. It almost encourages dawdling.



V

My parents counted to 3. At 3 there was "big trouble"...

I did/stopped everything between 2 and 3...

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by JL83

My parents counted to 3. At 3 there was "big trouble"...

I did/stopped everything between 2 and 3...

I didn't.

[Freud]

It's just not as simple as 123 Magic makes it seem. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

[One_Girl]

My dd's childcare center used it last year for really out of control behavior. They gave the child three chances to make a different choice and talked to them about the choice and then they had the child sit and think about a different choice for a while. I liked the way they used it because it they blended different styles together. The straight 1-2-3 Magic book is more cut and dry and a lot harsher.

[2mama]

Honestly I really disliked the book, I felt like it was talking down to me.. Raising the spirted child was much better...