Explaining/justifying UC to others

[PotreroHill]

Only a few people know about my uc. My good friend and her mom know and I'll be spending time with them over the holidays. My friend is definitely questioning my decision to uc and let me know that her mom wants to talk to me about it. I know they mean well and are doing this out of love for me. However, I don't agree with their views. How can I politely explain (possibly multiple times) that my choice to uc is safe and my decision to do so is not up for debate?

[MsBlack]

Rather than explain to them--possibly multiple times--why you have chosen UC, you might offer to show them the info you are using to make your decision. Like "if you're curious, I'd be happy to share information with you that might help you understand the safety of UC and why I believe it's the best choice for us....but I have made up my mind and it's not really up for debate". Calmly and lovingly, of course--letting them know that you know their concern comes from love. But setting the boundary all the same, for you own sake.

[hakeber]

I concur.

I think you should welcome her questions and concerns with an open mind, and offer her the information you have that has lead you to make this choice.

Here's why:

1) explaining where your beliefs come from and supporting them with information you believe in is a good way to explore how you feel about something and affirm your confidence in your own decisions, which can only help you in a UC situation. The more you believe, the less likely there is to be complications, from what I am reading on the subject.

2) they will see that you are making a clear level headed decision, not just based on hippified rhetoric, but on actual evidence that makes sense to you, and likely they will be more inclined to respect your decision. They may even share your story in the future with other women who instinctively question the safety/necessity of the hospital/interactive-midwife route, rather than talk them into it as they probably would now.

If you believe this is the right choice for you, don't be afraid to say why.

Being only 7 months myself, I have just begun to explain to people my birthing choices, and I know it is not easy to declare choices that are for most people only choices for whakadoodles living on incestuous compounds in remote mountain areas(...cue Deliverance duelling banjos and all). I am living in a country where the private hospitals have an 80% C-section rate and the public hospitals have a 35% C-section rate on average, so you might be able to guess how even my announcement that I was going medication free and possibly at home has gone down. I am definitely doing it at home, but the looks I get...I mean you would think that when I say "I am thinking of having my baby at home." I was really saying "I am thinking of eating my baby ala mode." It's ridiculous. It has been tempting to fib, to nod and smile and say I am having it at the local hospital and that's it. Still, the further along I get, the more I feel the importance of sharing the reasoning behind my choices, the more I feel obligated to share with other women in the community my choice and my reasons, especially with my students (I teach at a boarding school) who have their whole adult lives to change the way people view birthing around the world. It's scary to face the masses who by and large are educated by social rhetoric, but it's a debate I think very worthy of having.

At the end of the day, I MIGHT end up in hopsital, and if people didn't know why I had chosen to stay away up to now I might have egg on my face and stand as an example to others for why women CAN'T birth at home and why we should give over our bodies and sense of reasoning to the "authorities" of the medical industry. The more vocal I become about my reasons, the less I fear having to go to the hospital, because I'll know that if I wind up there, It'll be on MY terms, and because I genuinely needed to as opposed to fear mongering and manipulation.

So to answer your question, I think justifying your reasons can be a good exercise in validating your ideas to yourself, whether you need it or not. Debate can be a very healthy way for us to grow more confident in our beliefs, and confidence in UC is absolutely key when living in a society that surrounds us with a mentality if I CAN'T in concerning CB. I think the issue you should make clear is not that you are unwilling to "debate" the issue with them (IME this only convinces people that you have been brainwashed and are unwilling to listen to "reason", ergo you need to be saved all the more.), but rather that you have heard the other side of the argument all your life, and so you understand their concerns all too well, and you are ready for a change, ready to take control of your destiny and ready to be the woman you have always wanted to be.

They obviously are concerned for you, and that is sweet, but rather than see this as a assault against your decision, maybe you can see it as an opportunity to open their minds and obliterate a bit of the rhetoric they have been fed all their lives.

Ya know?

[Cuddlebaby]

what they said. offer information. they probably don't want it. few people have the desire to educate themselves. do NOT argue. you need a peaceful pregnancy.

"People convinced against their will are of the same opinion still"

[Kidzaplenty]

I would not explain or justify. I would just say, "We have made our plans for the birth and would rather not discuss it at this time. Thanks".

I just refuse to discuss my plans with anyone that is trying to convince me I am wrong (with the exception of OL, here I like to discuss it because I can always just turn it off when I reach my limit).

[wbg]

I agree with kidzaplenty. However if you want to discuss it then I would try to listen to their tone. If they are genuinely supportive and loving, then I would try to listen to their concerns as openly and respectfully as possible. By doing so, you set an example of how to be open minded, and willing to hear others, even when you are certain their views are different to yours. Once they have offered their concerns and fears, you can absorb them and then choose to address those that you feel you wish to. If their tone is intimidating or disrespectful, I would refuse to discuss it at all. You can start by asking that they they extend you the same respectful courtesy of listening with an open mind and with respect. I would clarify that while you welcome respectful and honest discussion, they need to be aware that you might not see eye to eye on all the details and that you will not TOLERATE any negative or insulting, offensive comments. That once you have addressed their concerns, and explained your research, that you would ask them to please be supportive and put aside their concerns. At the end of the day, if you choose to use this as an opportunity to "educate", dont be too disappointed if they do not respond positively to your well thought out, informed evidence. They might be equally disappointed that you did not want to be "educated" by their well intentioned, if somewhat misinformed, views. In the event, I hope you can agree to disagree. But at the end of the day, this is your birth journey and if you feel that the discussion will be tiring or disheartening, then simply and politely decline to discuss it.

[basje]

I feel you on this one sister! I don't have any sage advice but I have also been suprised on the expectation to justify my choice to plan a UC for this pregnancy. Most bothersome has been when I have been interviewing doulas, even though I am completely upfront about my desire to UC when I first contact them I've interviewed three people who have asked me to lagitimize my choice before admitting that they will not doula a uc. It's so strange! And at times feels a little woman blaming. I've put a lot of time, research, love and meditiation into making a the best choice for myself and my baby during pregnancy and preparing for birth. Why assume that I would do otherwise?

Just know for as unsupportive as some people can be about UC, you can have a community of women here who support your choice and belive in your ability.

[Hedgehog Mtn]

I feel you. I'm not surrounded by judgemental or rude people....but the people that need to know like my mom (because she is needed to be ready to help with the other kids) is a worrier. Every time I talk about the birth to her she always says things like "I just hope everything goes okay" with a worried tone or look. She doesn't say it when we aren't discussing the birth though.

I can usually handle it just fine but it just so happened that for some reason today all 3 people I spoke to who are pretty much the only ones who know all had the "I just hope it goes okay" deal going on. Today was the first day it really got to me.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty

I would not explain or justify. I would just say, "We have made our plans for the birth and would rather not discuss it at this time. Thanks".

I just refuse to discuss my plans with anyone that is trying to convince me I am wrong (with the exception of OL, here I like to discuss it because I can always just turn it off when I reach my limit).

Absolutely. I have learnt this the hard way, unfortunately. If someone sounds genuinely interested and I feel like I could empower them to choose the birth that is right for them, I do give them details and answer questions though.

[KariM]

I definitely live in the "it's not open for discussion" camp.

That said, if I had a friend who was truly interested in *learning* more, I'd point her/him toward resources to help with the learning.

[weliveintheforest]

If my good friend wanted to talk about it, I would, but if her Mom wanted to talk to me about it, I would probably not agree to that. Unless you are very close to that woman, or know ahead of time that she is supportive of your decision, there is no reason for you to talk to her.

[Rockies5]

I don't believe personal choices like how or where to birth or who or how to have sex with need to be justified.

Dont care if a women is choosing a section for fun, or having a UC with her cats as "midwives" (and not that wasn't meant to belittle or mock--promise). How you need to birth is how you need to birth; IMO those that question do so out of concern and a belief that you don't know what is best for yourself.