My DSD cut her hair, need advice

[Nala]

My DSD cut the middle of her bangs out today, She walks to school from her mothers house and her mom picks her up. Today when her mom got her from school she noticed the hair. Apparently she had cut it before school. Both sets of parents (her mom and step dad and my husband and me) are at a complete loss as to how to deal with this. Her mom spanks, but I got her to agree that that was not going to happen for this situation. The thing is this spring she cut up some clothing and lost new clothing ads scissor privileges until October, she just got scissors back and then she goes and does this. She is with her mom most of the time we see her on school breaks they are in PA and we are in GA. Her mom did just have a new baby so I know that DSD has been feeling a little pushed aside lately (she talked to me about it) I know her mom has her hands full (20 mo and 1.5mo plus DSD 9.5years) but I can't help but feel that this is more of a self respect issue than an acting out thing. I suggested that she needs to write a paper on why self respect is important and things that she likes about her self and in addition to that she needs to do one thing a day to pamper herself that makes her feel good (give her self a pedicure, take a bubble bath read a book she loves Etc. ) Her mom is not so sure that that is a punishment but I don't know if a traditional punishment is really appropriate in this situation. This self respect thing has been going on for a while, she wont shower brush her teeth etc. she tells people she doesn't like herself. My thinking was this would be a good way for them to bond a little bit and for her to feel good about herself,
And we have agreed the hair stays as is, no trying to fix it.
What do you think? Any ideas or suggestions?

[changingseasons]

hmmm.... I hate to sound cold, but who cares if she cut her own hair? If she did a really horrible job of cutting it, then looking stupid is probably punishment enough. If she did a good job, then maybe you should tell her how great it looks!

Is this the 9yo? And she was prohibited from using scissors for like 6 months? I think maybe someone needs to look into why she's acting out rather than grounding her from scissors.

[Nala]

I was really opposed to the scissor and clothing grounding things but unfortunately we didn't hear about it until after the punishment was set. and both sets of parents agree here that once a punishment is done we don't change it. since then though we have been included in finding a solution together.

It isn't so much the hair cutting thing for me I am worried about the lack of self respect. her mom is the one stressed over the hair, my thoughts on the actual hair is it is just hair it grows back.

[Equuskia]

I don't understand how this is a self respect issue, and I especially don't see how "writing it out" will help her. I definitely see how this could be acting out in a cry for attention. I bet this is a classic case of "mom doesn't pay attention to me, so I will misbehave in an attempt to get a reaction out of her, even if it's bad." I think thinking about spanking her for cutting her own hair, and grounding her from scissors is....over the top, especially for a 9 year old.

Does the girl get enough 1 on 1 time from her mom? I understand that she has two other small children, but 9 is the start of the preteen years. If mom doesn't start finding a way to connect to her child, and a non-violent way to solve problems, then she's in for a rough adolescence. Sure, a small child is easy to spank because they are small, but once they become teenagers, they get bigger, faster and stronger. Spanking won't work (not that I think it works anyways) and then.....what tools will mom use to help her child?

Now that I think about it though, i can see how this can be seen as a self respect issue. But she's 9. This isn't something she can just "fix" by herself. She will have a very difficult time learning self respect if the person that is suppose to love and protect her violates her body and treats her like a baby.

[mamazee]

What I see is a girl whose parents got divorced and each started a new family. Where does she fit in? I am sure her parents don't feel that way about her, but I bet that's where her thoughts are. She needs people to show that she is still important in their lives. She's getting attention how she can, and maybe trying to do something to force some kind of confrontation because the confrontation might be a catalyst for change.

[NCmama]

I'm not understanding the big deal. Don't all kids do this at least once? The horror of doing that to my hair was enough for me not to try that again! And my 8 yr old did it a few months ago (I guess he forgot he tried that a few yrs prior!) I just think most kids do this, it is totally a learning experience!

[becoming]

Granted, I don't know her like you do, but I definitely don't see this as a self-respect issue. Coupled with the cutting clothes & her speaking to you about feeling pushed aside, I'm feeling that this is a cry for attention. The "self-respect" stuff (not grooming herself, etc.) could very well be a form of the same thing. Maybe she's thinking if she doesn't take care of herself, someone else will step in and do it... and she's missing the feeling of being taken care of when there are little ones who come first in that regard. I don't like the idea of her being forced to write about self-respect... it seems kind of pointless. I mean, if you do feel like she doesn't respect herself, forcing her to write about it isn't going to make her feelings about herself change, you know? And grounding her from new clothes seems particularly horrible to me if she's seeking attention & jealous of her siblings, since I'm sure all the little ones will be getting new clothes while she isn't. It also won't help her apparently low self-esteem to not have any new clothes while all her friends do.

Honestly, I don't think a punishment is warranted here. I feel like she needs some extra attention.

[Nala]

See I know that her Mom has not been very involved with her and there is a self respect/ worth thing going on with her I just don't have the time to write it all out I would need a dictator for that! But that why I was thinking instead of a punishment there should be time set aside each day for a while for her to do things that are just for her that really make her feel good about herself, and some of those things should involver her parents in PA and when she is here us . I just feel lost because I am so far away and her mother and I really don't see eye to eye on a lot of parenting things. I just don't think she shoudll be spanked or grounded over it but she is coming here on Wednesday for a week and a half so maybe that will help a little. I have a little one too but her father and I really pay special attention to giving each child individual time everyday. Maybe that will halp a little. I guess my original post is not so much about what the punishment shoudl be but as to what can we do as a two sets of parents to reinforce a good relationship with her self??

[eclipse]

I don't really get punishing for hair cutting at all. It's her hair. Why can't she cut it if she wants to? I could see if she cut someone else's hair, but not her own.

[zebra15]

So she cut her hair... big deal.... could it be she needed a hair cut and mom didnt have time to take her to get it done? I guess I dont see the need for punishement as much as a short discussion about what happened, then MOVE ON.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Nala

but I can't help but feel that this is more of a self respect issue than an acting out thing. I suggested that she needs to write a paper on why self respect is important and things that she likes about her self and in addition to that she needs to do one thing a day to pamper herself that makes her feel good (give her self a pedicure, take a bubble bath read a book she loves Etc. ) Her mom is not so sure that that is a punishment but I don't know if a traditional punishment is really appropriate in this situation. This self respect thing has been going on for a while, she wont shower brush her teeth etc. she tells people she doesn't like herself. My thinking was this would be a good way for them to bond a little bit and for her to feel good about herself,
And we have agreed the hair stays as is, no trying to fix it.
What do you think? Any ideas or suggestions?

i am not sure what your post is about and what you are asking?

what is the relation to self respect? why do you even want her to write.

cutting hair is a normal thing. almost all kids do it at some point in their life.

does she need help feeling good about herself? if so then why are you guys keeping her bangs as is instead of trying to fix it?

do you think this was a rebellion adn you want it to stop?

[karne]

I think you're making a big deal about this, and at 9, when she's close to being pre-teen, I wouldn't want to do anything that puts a focus on appearance. Believe me, if she at all sticks out w/the haircut, her peers at school will provide plnty of feedback. She may be feeling shame about the haircut, she may be feeling defiant, and she really may need some adult attention. She doesn't need punative measures, and writing things out about pampering herself seems very age-inappropriate. Really, that's the parents job.

Sometimes the best we can do is just notice. "I see you cut your hair. Are you feeling like you are wanting a new hairstyle or haircut? I can help you with that." She can't undo it, no one can un-do it for her. You have to move on with the least amount of shaming as possible. There's a bit of a pattern here, and it sounds like she needs a lot of support right now.

[pinky]

Shower her with love and attention when she arrives.

Help her fix her hair if that's what she wants.

She's 9-talk to her!