DH Wants to Leave Church

[VisionaryMom]

This is part vent/part advice-seeking.

We go to an emerging UU congregation. Things have been really rough there. The short story is that the closest UU church is about 40 minutes away. In the 80s, a group of members from our town started getting together monthly to go out to dinner and just basically connect. They decided 3 years ago to try to expand to start a congregation in our town. We started going about 13 months ago.

The church has only 20 official members and probably 20 people who aren't members but attend semi-regularly. There are 6 children. One family with 2 children is leaving. We are divided into retired folks and families with small children. The retired folks are the original group, and they've pretty much run everything until this point.

Services are very formal and...stodgy. We've experimented with circle worship. Younger folks liked it; older ones didn't. Children weren't permitted at the original dinners, and they're not particularly welcome now. The older folks don't want them in the services at all, which we just ignore but is still annoying. *Nothing* is planned to be child-friendly. (Our board president makes unilateral decisions, so no one is in the loop on them.)

We had a 5-hour "vision workshop" 2 Saturdays ago that was horrendous. It was far, far too long. Of course the person who planned it (bd pres again) didn't get childcare, so we had to arrange it for a BEAUTIFUL Saturday. We didn't come out of the workshop with any solid ideas - just mentally drained.

We divided into 3 groups; DH and I both picked community service. I'm the social justice chair, but I haven't gotten much participation with anything I've tried although everyone's gung-ho when I mention my ideas. I'm particularly miffed because I set up a night a month for us to make dinner at the women's shelter ('cause, ya know, EVERYONE wanted to do it) and cover the volunteer shift. I've had to do it every month. I don't mind going because I volunteer there anyway, but the whole "dinner by the UU congregation" thing is getting annoying. I told DH I want to put "dinner from the Rhoades-Brown family."

So our committee picked 2 projects for the rest of the year - one a trail-building day with a local bike/ped group. We set a goal of 6 people from the church. DH and I were there, and an exchange student who lives with one of the members was there. We also picked a mural painting. It's super-easy, paint-by-number, very low so no problems for people with physical limitations. I've gotten a response from the teens in our congregation and the remaining family with small children.

DH is just furious and wants to quit. The other mom is running for board president. I've considered running for VP and would like DH to run for the board. He could do it. We've been heavily involved in organizing start-up groups before, but he said last night that he just wants to quit. He said he'd rather spend our energy planning a monthly potluck with other families and then planning projects on our own. We run a non-profit out of a room in our house, and we've planned major (for us) fundraising events (~$5,000 take) before, so we have experience.

I'm just wondering about the spiritual aspect of everything. I've never gone to church without him. I don't really want to, but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up on our church. What do you think?

[philomom]

I would be frustrated, too. It seems like both of you are carrying way too much of the weight and not getting any nurturing in return. Are there no other choices at all? Could you worship alone for a time? Or set aside time each week to be "home churched" just as some kids are home schooled?

[LionTigerBear]

What about checking out the UU church that is 40 minutes away? A couple times in my life I've gone to churches that were 45 minutes away, it's a compromise but it can be done and sometimes it's really worth it!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by philomom

I would be frustrated, too. It seems like both of you are carrying way too much of the weight and not getting any nurturing in return. Are there no other choices at all? Could you worship alone for a time? Or set aside time each week to be "home churched" just as some kids are home schooled?

UUA offers a Church of the Larger Fellowship that is essentially meant to be done as a family/small group. I've never looked into it, but I'm going to check it out tonight. I have considered a family worship time. The kids and I do a "morning circle" on the weekdays where we talk about what we're looking forward to, how we're feeling, etc. I think an expansion of that could work for us on the weekends. I will mention it to DH.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

What about checking out the UU church that is 40 minutes away? A couple times in my life I've gone to churches that were 45 minutes away, it's a compromise but it can be done and sometimes it's really worth it!

We have gone a couple of times. They host some pretty amazing services & special events, and I sometimes go. We recently went through the Low Carbon Diet program and have committed to cutting our driving. So, we could make the decision that the spiritual need outweighs the carbon issue. I'm sure it would limit how much the kids can go to outside Sunday services, but I suppose that won't be an issue for another couple of years.

[lilyka]

are you getting anything out of that chrch spiritually? if not then what is the point?

low carbon, etc...I would not flinch at going to a church 45 minutes away if it was my only option (since you are committed to UU and the only one is 45 minutes away that is the only option). Is there somewhere else you can cut your carbon emmisions to be able to "afford" the drive? I limit myself to so many miles a month. If I want to take a long drive somewhere i have to cut back somewhere else. I suppose there are other places you could cut back besides driving to also help make room in your carbon budget.

[miss_sonja]

I think I'd go to the friendlier church that's farther away. If it's a more comfortable spiritual home, it'll be worth it. Don't let the carbon issue trump your quality of life.

The few (3) UU churchs I've been to have not been kid-friendly--which is one of the reasons we didn't continue going.

[CorasMama]

Are you guys getting help from the UUA? They have many resources for budding fellowships. My mom was a quarter-time minister for a fellowship and helped them grow over a few years. I really suggest taking all your concerns to the uua.

[Aeress]

I would also suggest contacting the UUA for more help or someone at the other church for ideas. It seems odd that a UU church wouldn't have a big turnout for social justice events, it is one of the big goals of the church.

Can I send a *hug*? I hear your frustration! The only way a church can grow, is by bringing young families in, they need you!

[VisionaryMom]

The carbon issue isn't the only one that concerns me when it comes to the drive. It's just one of many factors. The travel would take a good chunk of time, and then we'd be getting out right at lunch time, which would mean eating out or the hassle of packing a lunch every Sunday. (My kids are still really small, so regular meals are important to us.) Then there's the fact that I'd just prefer to go to a church in my own community, rather than building partial ties elsewhere. And DH will not go to the other church. He just doesn't want to do it.

The thing is there are quite a few families from our town who do go to the other church. Most of them have visited our services but don't come more than once or twice.

The workshop leader we had was from UUA. It was too "kum-by-ya" and not enough substance. We could *only* mention positive things to build on, but the problem is that leaves negative things unsaid. So, we weren't allowed to say that the church isn't child-friendly. What, then? "This church is excellent for singles or people whose children are adults." Lovely, except that we.don't.have.those.people. It was just this really wishy-washy, hand-holding kind of thing that in the end didn't solve any of the problems since we weren't even allowed to mention many of them. And it was 5 hours. On a Saturday. With no breaks. Too long.

I may contact the minister from the other UU church. She has been helping us set everything up, so she knows the history of the congregation. I'm just not sure at this point if it's going to be more draining than helpful.

I'm thinking I'll ask DH to make a choice between going there for 6 more months and really putting in an effort to make it better or spending the time we would've spent at church organizing community projects.

[EnviroBecca]

I understand why he wants to quit! However, I think it would be unfair to do it without having a meeting with your board president where you explain your feelings and try to work it out. Maybe he does just want it to be a grown-ups' club and will be relieved if you disappear. But maybe he's oblivious to the difficulties you're having, and if you spelled it out for him he'd be willing to make some changes. You won't know if you don't try--and if both you and your husband feel that it's totally pointless to try talking honestly with the guy, then this IS the wrong church for you!

I grew up attending a UU church an hour away, and the drive was exactly the kind of problem you're talking about--too much time, too late lunch, and no chance of extra activities at church for any family member unless all of us were willing to hang around all day! My parents felt it was worthwhile for the adult ed, but I never felt connected there (not only did I miss the extra activities, but the kids socialized based on their schools and weren't interested in talking to someone from a small-town school they never heard of) and I missed out on some non-religious activities in my hometown because I had this 9am-1pm commitment every Sunday.

We also had a UU fellowship in our town that met on Sunday evenings and was mostly retired folks and about the same size as yours...but those retired folks doted on kids, included us in all the social events, and set up a corner for us to read or draw during lectures (although we did have to be quiet), so it was much more bearable. When my parents held offices in the fellowship, they were welcomed and included. Do you feel it would be like that for you, or does it seem more likely that if you managed to get voted into office you'd be ignored or patronized by the older people on the board?

The important religious experiences of my childhood that were arranged by my parents were not in the UU church or fellowship but in the "home church" kind of thing my dad did with me occasionally when we couldn't get to church that Sunday. We'd each choose some readings and songs, I'd find a space that we could make "sacred" or that just felt that way (like under the weeping apple tree), and we'd discuss a Bible story. That sort of thing certainly is worthwhile whether or not you also belong to a larger group.

Good luck!