How to deal with tantrums that disrupt family time?

[jilson41]

DD2 just turned 3 and has been extremely tantrum-prone lately. We are trying to work on a way of coping and aren't having much luck. Time-outs don't work for her--she hates to be alone and she gets worse when I take her to her room and won't stay there. However, it is not unusual for her tantrums to occur when we're having family time and so just leaving her in the room disrupts whatever we're doing--reading a book, mealtime, etc. Also, I get very frustrated with her tantrums (her fuse is so short and her tantrums so frequent) that I want her somewhere else. I have fantasies of locking her in the closet!
Related to this, I'd be interested in hearing GD strategies that work well when you have several kids close in age. It seems like much of GD (especially with tantrums) involves being present with a child, reflecting, etc. While I think this is great in theory, when DD2 has a a meltdown, I just don't feel right about ignoring the other two (and their good behavior) and focusing on her.
This morning she had 3 tantrums before we left the house at 8:15. It's REALLY disrupting our life.
Help!
Jill

[ssh]

A tantrum isn't 'bad' behavior, it's how young children learn to deal with big emotions. Tantrums are useful developmentally. Punishing a child for having a tantrum because they feel overwhelming emotions undermines the process of learning to deal with big emotions and the child can have problems dealing with anger and other strong emotions their entire life. We always verbally sympathized with DD and helped her calm down if she wanted that. After our DD started being able to say "I'm angry about (whatever it was)" the tantrums became less frequent.

Three tantrums before 8:15 is a lot. It sounds like your morning routine isn't working well. Is you DD getting enough sleep? Could she be having a problem with where she goes in the morning? Is she having to rush too much for her temperament?

[jilson41]

Thanks for the reply.
I didn't mean to imply that my daughter is "bad" for having tantrums. However, when they disrupt our family time, they are unacceptable to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I tell her that it's her sibling's turn to sit on my lap when we read books or when I remind her of a family rule at mealtime.
I'm not sure what has triggered this significant increase in tantrums lately. Her napping stopped over the summer, but she typically sleeps 12 hours at night. There are days when she has 4 or 5 tantrums a day, but yesterday she didn't have any (hurray!). Yesterday was a busy day for us and we were away from home most of the day, which I think helps. However, many mornings she wakes up at 5am looking for whatever she slept with that night and has a tantrum when she can't find it--waking her brother and sister. My husband has been going in with her and doing whatever he can to calm her down and get her back to sleep, but I think this is making the situation worse. Now she not only demands that we find her doll, but get her a kleenex, fix her blankets, etc. That early morning tantrum is definitely a power issue. Her tantrums the rest of the day seem to be just loss of control.
Thanks,
Jill

[ssh]

I'm not suggesting you give into demands. More that tantrums are the normal way LOs learn to deal with emotions they can't handle yet. Think of them as storms you just have to survive safely. Even though you don't like them and they're annoying you can't just make the tantrums go away. Actually trying to, might make the tantrums more frequent. As your DD matures she will be able to handle things easier and the tantrums will mostly go away on their own and they will have been a useful tool helping your DD learn how to deal with big emotions. I don't think what your DH has been doing is making things worse. Sometimes when a child is going through a period where they are having frequent tantrums there's not much you can do except support them during the tantrums. My DD would get upset over really unreasonable things like wanting to take a peeled banana to bed as a cuddle object when she was about 2.5. There wasn't much we could do but validate her feelings and wait till she calmed down.

[mamazee]

Children that young can't control their tantrums, so I don't see why you'd deal with it differently depending on when they did it. If they were able to control it to the point of deciding when they were going to do it, then they probably wouldn't have tantrums anymore.

[Aliyahsmommy]

I can completely understand what you are going through. My 2 year 4 month old daughter is very verbal and very spirited. She has recently begun throwing these horrible tantrums that last 1-2 hours each time....unnaceptable to me. The first couple of days I would just let her have the tantrum and stay near her trying to let her "ride" it out. However I do now believe this is just not an appropriate solution for every child as it did nothing for mine as the tantrums were lasting 1-2 hours. Now in the middle of the day when I had more patience I could listen to it, drown it out, validate her feelings etc...but late at night, in the middle of the night, or early in the morning just simply letting her "ride" it out was not an option as it was truly disturbing mine and my husbands peace.
I can say that we have changed how we handle them and they have significantly lessened not only in the number of them but in the severity of them. I think my daughter was trying to see if she kept going if eventually she would get her way...not necessarily manipulating just set in her ways(strong willed and spirited) and unwilling to change her way of thinking regarding whatever started the tantrum.
I think the first thing was that we needed to establish with her that being upset is okay, but acting in a way that disturbs others is not okay. Also the fact is that our answer is not going to change just because she is screaming, crying etc. So we do not exactly punish her when she is unwilling to calm down during an outburst...but we give her a choice. Choice #1 is to calm down, cuddle, accept the answer or direction given, etc. Choice #2 is to go to your room until you are ready to calm down, cuddle, and accept the answer or direction given. I 100% believe that she has a right to her feelings, but I do not believe that she should be allowed to disturb the other household members for 1-2 hours and cause everyone around her emotional distress. I can say that she rarely chooses her bedroom..though has for a moment a couple of times. I can see how for some this seems like a punishment, but we never force her to her room...only acknowedge that there are two choices and she needs to make one for herself.

[jilson41]

Thank you, Aliyasmommy. You articulated an important point for me--although I accept that DD has a need to express her frustration, there are times when I can't give this higher priority over the needs of her siblings, or, frankly, my own needs.
Giving choices worked well with my older DD. Unfortunately, DD2 very quickly gets so far into her tantrum that I don't think she can process the choice. It's like she can't do anything other than express her anger and frustration. She won't stay in her room. If we go to another room, she follows us. Her twin brother often puts his hands over his ears and shouts "I don't like all that noise!"
Any other thoughts?
Thanks all!
Jill

[Aliyahsmommy]

I understand what you mean by not processing the choice as my daughter was literally rolling on the ground screaming at the top of her lungs and not caring what was coming out of my mouth in the form of words.
Not sure what would work with your little one, but with my daughter we had to make the choice for her ONCE before she understood that if she didn't make a choice one would be made for her. And although I hated this method...it was necessary. The first time we gave these choices and enforced them we had to hold the door to her room closed for a minute or two while she screamed on the other side...we then would open the door and offer the two choices where she would still refuse to calm down....took a few times during this tantrum before she decided to calm down and yes by the end she was extremely upset but it was the only way for us to truly make her understand her choices in that moment. She also had to understand that we were serious and not changing our minds regarding what started the tantrum.
After that first time of putting her in her bedroom she then understood and in the next couple of tantrums a few times of repeating the request for her to make her choice seemed to do the trick. It was all about consistency...she had to know that we would make the choice for her if need be and she did test it a few times but calmed down before we reached her room. Now by calmed down I don't mean that she had to completely shut off her feelings...just be respectful of others while having those feelings.
It has only been a week since then, but now when the choice is offered she almost immediately chooses not to go to her room and calms down.
I have also found that when a tantrum is because of me giving the answer of "no" then if I only repeat myself a couple of times and then ignore the repeated requests, it helps too because she sees that I already answered and will not keep discussing it.

Originally Posted by jilson41

Thank you, Aliyasmommy. You articulated an important point for me--although I accept that DD has a need to express her frustration, there are times when I can't give this higher priority over the needs of her siblings, or, frankly, my own needs.
Giving choices worked well with my older DD. Unfortunately, DD2 very quickly gets so far into her tantrum that I don't think she can process the choice. It's like she can't do anything other than express her anger and frustration. She won't stay in her room. If we go to another room, she follows us. Her twin brother often puts his hands over his ears and shouts "I don't like all that noise!"
Any other thoughts?
Thanks all!
Jill

[ssh]

If a child is having a tantrum because they can't handle their strong scary overwhelming emotions, isolation is not good. Isolating a child can send the message that their strong emotions are too scary for you to handle. Also it can lead to feelings that they are only acceptable to you when they are calm or happy. Both of these things can lead a child to suppress their feelings and not learn how to deal with strong emotions. One book I read on the topic talked about adults who have the same type of uncontrolled strong feelings as toddlers because they had never learn to deal with them as a toddler. Adult "tantrums" were given as one of the main reasons we don't want to punish or isolate LOs when they are overwhelmed by emotions. The most effective response is a calm loving adult.

[wrappedupmama]

I was doing too many things at once while responding before. Here is the second response while I have a moment of peace to assemble my thoughts.

Each child and family is different. If you say a calm supportive adult by your child's side isn't helping the situation, then I believe you. You know your child best. 1 method is not going to be the answer for every child in each situation. I know I would be angry if my husband went on autopilot with plan X every time I cried. Keep experimenting until you find what works for you. Some kids do respond well with a time to themselves to calm down. Perhaps they are introverts and your presence is too overwhelming while they are already dealing with so many emotions? I don't know. You'll find what works eventually. This is a phase and it will pass with time. Everyone will breathe a big sigh of relief when it's in the past.

[Aliyahsmommy]

So here is a quick update. In the middle of the night my daughter woke up and started to tantrum right away. Obviously she was just overly tired and although I did try and calm her...she was just too upset. So I offered her the two choices, but she was unwilling to hear them. I picked her up kicking and screaming and took her to her bed where I sat next to her and told her we were going to stay there until she calmed down...in a stern voice. I was shocked that she almost immediately calmed down and asked for a snack and drink, which we then went and got together. She then came and cuddled in my bed. She didn't even touch the snack or drink, but felt her needs were met and was able to go back to sleep and I was able to keep my sanity.
I agree that it is better to somewhat isolate her in her room occasionally for a few moments then for me to get so frustrated that I lash out at her by yelling...which I have done. For some children simply a calm presence works, but for my spirited child it does not work.

[chfriend]

That doesn't sound like a tantrum. It sounds like night terrors. http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/sleep...ht_terrors.htm

Both of mine had them. One of mine is still a sleepwalker. Praises be for co-sleeping.

[Freud]

Originally Posted by ssh

If a child is having a tantrum because they can't handle their strong scary overwhelming emotions, isolation is not good. Isolating a child can send the message that their strong emotions are too scary for you to handle. Also it can lead to feelings that they are only acceptable to you when they are calm or happy. Both of these things can lead a child to suppress their feelings and not learn how to deal with strong emotions.

Very well said.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Aliyahsmommy

So here is a quick update. In the middle of the night my daughter woke up and started to tantrum right away. Obviously she was just overly tired and although I did try and calm her...she was just too upset. So I offered her the two choices, but she was unwilling to hear them. I picked her up kicking and screaming and took her to her bed where I sat next to her and told her we were going to stay there until she calmed down...in a stern voice. I was shocked that she almost immediately calmed down and asked for a snack and drink, which we then went and got together. She then came and cuddled in my bed. She didn't even touch the snack or drink, but felt her needs were met and was able to go back to sleep and I was able to keep my sanity.
I agree that it is better to somewhat isolate her in her room occasionally for a few moments then for me to get so frustrated that I lash out at her by yelling...which I have done. For some children simply a calm presence works, but for my spirited child it does not work.

I know that not all kids become calmer with a calm presence. The point of staying calm and having a supportive attitude is that it tells your child that you still like them just as much regardless of their mood and that you can handle their big emotions even if they can't. Some times a tantrum just needs to run it's course.

[jilson41]

Thanks everyone for all of the feedback.
Although the tantrums themselves are a big issue, I feel comfortable with my choices in dealing with them--except in the case where her tantrums are having a significant effect on her siblings and/or our family time.
Time-outs don't work for her and choices don't work--I think we just need to ride it out, but I don't like how this can sometimes impact the rest of the family.
This is so very different from my older daughter who needed alone time to regroup and who was our only child for the beginning of her tantrum phase and so could usually have my full attention.
Any advice on dealing with the disruption of family time? Anyone else out there with closely-spaced kids?
Thanks!
Jill

[wrappedupmama]

I just use my judgment as to who needs me more in that moment. A hurt child trumps a tantruming child. A feverishly hungry newborn does as well. I would latch baby on, and then while nursing try to resolve the tantrum. If the other kids are happy and occupied playing then I'd tend to the tantrum. When tantrums drag on for long periods I would probably offer some help at first, then go back to be with the other kids. I would stop by every few minutes to see if there was something the tantruming child needed, a hug, music, talking, etc. But if they aren't ready to calm down and my presences was seemingly doing nothing to benefit the situation, then I personally would want to spend a few minutes here and there giving attention to my other children. Maybe others can chime in with their experience as well.

[bscal]

Tantrums can be very difficult for parents to deal with. My older daughter went through a period where she had tantrums every day, usually multiple tantrums per day. Sometimes the kicking & screaming would only stop when she fell asleep on the floor. So, here are some things that worked for us:

1. Have many talks with her about feelings. Verbalize your own feelings about everything and encourage her to talk about her feelings. Have these talks when she is calm and seems happy at first.

2. Recognize her 'triggers' and do your best to redirect her attention before she gets to the point of full-blown tantrum.

3. Talk to her after a tantrum about how she was feeling during the tantrum. I usually waited at least an hour or so until my daughter was completely over the tantrum and then we would cuddle in my recliner, I'd stroke her hair and we'd softly and gently talk about how mad/upset/hurt she was earlier. There were times she didn't want to talk about it and that was ok too.

4. Role play with her to work on her feelings and how to handle them. My daughter was also going through some major behavior problems at this time too (new baby in household). So we had daily pretend play sessions where we practiced how to handle those big feelings.
* As an example, once little sis was crawling we had an issue where older
DD was very mad that little sis took her toy so she snatched it back and
hit her sis with it. So she and I pretended and came up with other
solutions to the same situation - ask for it back, 'trade' the toy for one of
little sis's toys, ask Mommy for help, etc.

It takes time and unfortunately there's no 'magic cure all' for tantrums. It's a stage that children go through. The big thing is to stay calm and sympathetic to her feelings. As for the interruption of family time... well, IMO, part of being a family means you love each other, 'warts and all'. If my 2 yr old DS is throwing a tantrum I remind my girls that 'DS is pretty angry/upset/etc., isn't he? When you were 2 you screamed like that when you were mad too.' They are pretty understanding, although my 4 yr old gets in his face and tries to talk to him sometimes (which totally sets him off again!) Luckily his don't last more than 15 minutes or so.

HTH,
Beth

[jilson41]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate all the replies.
Last night DD had such an awful tantrum she threw up. Luckily we had a friend visiting who was reading to her brother and sister while this was going on, so her prolonged screaming and crying didn't faze them.
Boy, I hope this phase ends soon.
Jill