Suggestions for dealing with disrespect

[earthus76]

Sigh. Increasingly, my nine y.o. dd is taking on a very disrespectful attitude w/ inappropriate behavior towards me especially, but also her dad.

For example, If she can't find her shoes in the morning - she flips out and immediately starts blaming me. I may say "DD, this is not respectful please stop." She goes on, "Stop it mommy. Let me have a good day. Mean mom." Etc.

Yesterday in the car I asked her to please not pick her nose and rub her boogers on her jeans. "I can if I want." etc.

I have resorted to giving her "chores" to that will "help the family be peaceful" -- like cleaning the dinner table or helping make dinner. If she doesn't do her extra jobs she can't have computer or tv time. For the most part I try to shun "punishment" but I have run out of ideas on how to guide dds behavior...

Any other ideas on how to deal with "backtalk" [as my mom used to call it?]

Thank you!

[Dingletwitz]

There's a lot of possibilities here, but one thing stands out--it's your use of "no, stop, not," language, which could be seen as controlling and final, and your dd's behavior could be seen as control-seeking. I wonder if you ever put her shoes away or move them for her--which would account for the blaming type thing when she's frustrated--does she have a point? It's also tough to understand all that is disrespectful--perhaps booger-picking-wiping is not really disrespectful as it is simply gross, but she's not really picking her nose and making messes to purposely tick you off as much as an itchy booger bothered her and she took care of it herself. dig? "want a tissue?" goes a lot farther than being a boss....kiddo still has the option, but you offered a great idea that she has control over whether to do or not. Noticing by saying "well you got rid of that offender!" puts a humorous spin on as well...
It's hard for kids to learn about respect--you could think of it in terms of "If I said this thing to an adult (whatever you're saying to the child) would it seem disrespectful?" and that might guide you as well in modeling by doing.

Anyhoo, I'd look for ways to say "yes" and work on positive language as in, "you were so helpful tonight and I wonder if you'd like some screen time later" (if they need to be connected) as opposed to "if you don't then you won't".

[Sheryl1678]

you could think of it in terms of "If I said this thing to an adult (whatever you're saying to the child) would it seem disrespectful?" and that might guide you as well in modeling by doing.

What a great idea. I am going to put that into practice with my lo.

[earthus76]

Thank you for the reminders! I just needed a refresher