Natural consequence of refusing to go to paid-for, prebooked activity?

[Plaid Leopard]

Umm, title just about says it all.
DH and I disagree as to what the consequences should be after our 9yo refused to go to a sporting activity that we had already paid for.
She had been asking to try archery. We had to pay for 3 sessions up front. she went once and didn't like it. We asked her to go one more time just to be sure, and then if she really did not like it we said we would find someone to take her place for the last session.
Last night she stated that she would not go today, and then refused to get out of bed this morning and get ready.
So... what would you have done?

[GoBecGo]

I would have figured out the wasted money and told her that since she wasted that much money by not going she will have to skip that amount of activities to "earn it back". So if it cost the same as 4 swimming sessions then she misses the pool 4 times, or if it's the same as one riding lesson she doesn't get on the horse this week. I would also make it clear that if she'd gone to the 2nd session like we'd asked her then she wouldn't have had to "earn back" the 3rd session, since we'd agreed she wouldn't have to go if she was sure she didn't like it.

OTOH if she didn't want to go for a specific reason (like the teacher felt weird and creepy or some other people there were mean to her) i would be apt to demand my money back from the organisers.

[BeckC]

As far as I can tell, the natural consequence is that she misses out on archery. And perhaps that the next time she wants to do an activity, you and your DH are a little wary of letting her do it.

If you want something more, you could enact a "logical consequence" like having to pay back the money for the classes.

[Plaid Leopard]

Thanks for your input.

She didn't want to go again because it was harder than she thought it would be.
We told her it might be easier the second (or third) time around but she just didn't want to try again.

She recently started going to drop-in, pay-as-you-go gymnastics sessions and she really likes that. One archery session costs about the same as one gymnastics session. My initial response when she said she wouldn't go back to archery was to ask her to reimburse the cost of the one archery session out of her pocket money, or pay for one session of gymnastics out of her pocket money. She chose the former option and gave me the money.

Then DH said it was wrong to make her reimburse us, and that she should just miss gymnastics on Saturday. DD decided that she liked that consequence better. When I asked her if she understood what she had agreed upon with her father she said she couldn't go back to gymnastics until she had done the last session of archery (two weeks from today). DH then clarified that she would only miss gymnastics this one Saturday, but then she would have to try the last archery session. SO, when I asked her again if she understood she just said she was glad she wouldn't have to get up early on Saturday to go to gymnastics.

So, was it wrong to ask her to reimburse that one session? DH says that will just teach her that she can pay her way out of any mistakes. That if she does soemthing wrong, or doesn't want to do something in the future, she will just offer to give up her pocket money. I feel like this isn't some arbitrary punishment. For example, I'm not saying "you didn't clean your room so give me £5". We discussed her going or not going back to archery several times and she agreed to try it one more time, but then changed her mind at the last minute, which didn't leave time to find someone to take her place and pay for the other sessions.

[Porcelain Interior]

Do you know why she didn't like it? Was she embarrassed? Did she have a harder time than she'd imagined and it made it feel not very fun?

Did the instructor's personality clash with hers?

What were the other participants like? Was there a friendly feeling?

There are so many reasons why a child would decide not to participate in something they'd previously expressed interest in.

I think trying it once is enough, but it's hard on account that you had to pay for 3 lessons upfront.

I'd talk about it, and explain that in the future quitting isn't an option and that she needs to fullfill the lessons if she requests for something else in the future.

(I have no experience though my children have never refused to get out of bed and get ready for anything.)

In the future though I'd be looking for free/extremely low key ways for her to try new things.

Sounds like a bummer for everyone though. I totally sympathize, I'd be a bit upset and maybe even a little angry with my child if they quit suddenly. I'd hope in finding out their reasons I could understand and feel better about it all.

*Just saw the update!

[Plaid Leopard]

We usually do only do free, very low cost or informal activities, or ones where you have a free trial session before you commit.

I guess I'm annoyed because she has been asking to try archery since last year. We haven't been able to do it because of money and because the archery club is in another town. Places became available in these 3 sessions, and we found someone who could give dd and her brother a ride to the class. (DS really enjoyed it btw, but he is 2 years older than DD). They said the instructor was nice, and the other kids in the group are all kids from our local homeschooling group. They don't know all of them, but a couple of their friends are in the group.

[GoBecGo]

I guess I'm annoyed because she has been asking to try archery since last year.

When i was a kid i wanted horseriding lessons SO badly. But tey're expensive so i waited and waited... Eventually i got some for my 11th birthday. After waiting so long, reading so many books about it, and spending so much time at stables helping muck out for 5 minutes on the back of someone else's horse, i was GUTTED to find in that first lesson that i wasn't an expert rider!!! I was a relatively gifted child academically and it took me until was in my 20's to accept i am a mediocre athlete/sportswoman! LOL.

So i definitely understand how an activity being hard can put one right off!

I don't think the lesson was a bad one - i assume se doesn't get £10/week allowance, so the cost wasnt nothing. Perhaps the next time she wants t try something new you could ask HER to pay for the initial sessions while she decides if she likes it...?

[Plaid Leopard]

DH insists that we as parents should pay for all "extracurricular" activities, and that if we sign the kids up for an activity and then they quit, that's too bad but they shouldn't be expected to reimburse - only to miss out on other similarly-priced activities.

I think in some situations that is the right way to go, but I'm not sure about this time.

In any case, we argued about it last night and now he isn't speaking to me.

[Marsupialmom]

I think after the fact is to late to help your child understand the cost of things. I also think there is a difference between once and repeatably quiting.

The next activity you should sit down and discuss the activity and consequences of dropping out. When she can drop out. It might help her if she knows the your expectations. And it might help her understand that some activities are hard and take practice to do. So mucking through something and practicing X amount of time is important before giving up or really deciding how much an activity is liked.

Money does not grow on trees. I do think children should understand that. I also think if there is an activity to "earn" an activity/money to do an activity it can help make a connection. So maybe next time letting her earn the money will help her make the connection and it is more her wallet it is effecting -- It becomes not your problem.

When choosing activities youtube can be a good resource because you can find professionals and amatures. Asking how long do you think it took them to get good. Seeing other people's mistakes will help her understand not everything is easy.

[Dingletwitz]

My guess would be that she's not offering up a reasonable explanation yet. Something so "9yearold" horrible about the archery that she cannot return? It's more than just "it was harder than I expected". I'd present the dilemma to the child and have her come up with a fair trade. We want our kids in these healthy activities...it just makes me cringe when a consequence is not attending, simply because the kid actually likes it. Like, you don't wanna follow through, then I'm not going to follow through on getting you to one you do like---seems like it misses something as far as understanding the kiddo's real needs. Also, had she actually agreed to go to the three sessions? Or was it something like by the way, kid you get to try it three times instead of once.
I might also be inclined to say "okay, if you don't want to do any more, I'll take the lesson in your place but I want you to come with me as my coach"
I guess it all boils down to what lesson about life she's trying to learn here, and what she needs from you as her teacher.

At any rate, instituting a "new family policy" might be a nice thing here--there wasn't an expectation in place for this up until this moment, so it could simply be a learning experience for all.....It might now be a family policy to say "If lessons or activities are pre-paid, they must be attended, or if you commit to join a team for a season you must continue with the team for that season, even if it sucks" so the kids know they have to get out of bed or do some better explaining. It's just such a good learning experience to be challenged to push through a slightly unpleasant situation and learn ways to make it better, I'd hate for my kiddos to miss it.