Hi mamas,
I have been wanting to post about this for a while, but it is so difficult to write about, and I have been putting it off, but I am at my wit's end and really need some advice/ help. I have 2 kids--4 yo dd and 2 yo ds. DD is a wonderful girl, but has always been high maintenance and very sensitive. She is also very athletic, extremely bright, precocious, probably gifted. In particular she is very precocious verbally--she speaks very clearly and has a tremendous vocabulary. She is also and always has been very tall and lean. When she was 2, people easily thought she was 4. She is also very independent, willful, and "spirited." Dh and I have always argued about the best way to handle her. Dh has always expressed a concern that she will be a brat, get herself hurt, manipulate us, etc. if not handled with a firm hand. I always wanted to be more gd, but that just didn't work for me. In order to keep peace (and also because I was worn out) I tried things more dh's way--the year she was 3, I moved away from redirection and natural consequences toward a different style of parenting--punishment/ reward, spanking. DD always responded to that kind of parenting with intense screams and crying--not so much from physical pain, but from what she perceived as the injustice of it. She'd scream things like "you shouldn't doooo that! You shouldn't ever dooooo that!" I was always ambivalent about parenting that way and as she turned 4 and began to calm down a little, I decided I wouldn't do it anymore. We talk a lot about unconditional love, and she is intrigued by the concept and asks lots of questions. She loves to be helpful and asks me again and again to recount true stories that feature her as the hero (for example, recently she and her brother were at the gym daycare, and she took him to potty. She was so proud of herself!). She tells me all the time that she loves me, particularly when I have demonstrated patience, understanding, or unconditional love. For example, when she wet the bed and felt bad about it, I went in and changed the sheets, saying nothing more than, "that's okay. It happens" and continued changing the sheets, she said, "I love you mom." I think she is very sensitive and perceptive to looks of approval or disapproval, etc.
Well, my dh has reached no such understanding with her, and they are at it constantly. Dh has never figured out a way to effectively discipline her, or relate to her, I think. Because I won't allow spanking or threatening, he just does nothing and eventually has an outburst, doing something that I think crosses the line. Some examples:
1. When she was 19 months old and I was very sick and trying to nightwean her, she was crying so much and for so long that eventually dh closed her in a closet.
2. When she was 2 and crying, screaming for a ball and would not take no for an answer, dh finally said "here" and threw the ball at her face, hitting her with it. She screamed and cried in response.
3. Once in a store parking lot, 3.5 year old dd was tantruming because she wanted me to put her in her carseat, not him. She kept screaming "put me down! Put me down!" Dh said "ok" and let go. She fell on the pavement, and screamed and cried, "why did you do that??!!!" Dh says he thought she was going to put her feet down and land standing up.
4. He never actually spanks her, but often threatens her and has made clear to her that he really wants to.
5. Tonight, she opened a can of Coca Cola even though we told her not to. She started sipping it and dh decided to make her drink the whole thing to teach her a lesson. I allowed it because last night we got into this huge argument with him saying I "de-man" him by intervening between him and dd and not letting him discipline her. In this same argument, he had told me that he doesn't want to dislike his own daughter.
And really, I think that's what it comes down to. Because dd can be difficult and disobedient, dh has a hard time hiding dislike for her. I've even had talks with dd about why she disobeys her dad so much. She has told me "Because he gets too frustrated and he doesn't like me." When I asked her what could he do, then, to make her do what he says, she said "He should do what you do." She defined this as "do things with me and watch movies with me and cuddle me."
This is beginning to cause problems for dh and me. I feel as though he acts immaturely and often bullies her. It hurts me and it's unattractive. Yes, dd can be challenging, but she's so fun and smart and loving. She loves to draw--at one point she'd draw about 50 pictures a day, half of them flowers the other half of them pictures of me with "mom" or "I love you" written on them. I wish she felt she could show such love toward her daddy.
Both I and my husband grew up without fathers, so the realm of fatherhood and what that means is largely uncharted territory for us. We both come from a traditional seen-and-not-heard, respect your parents or you'll get your @ss beat kind of culture. The difference is, I was never really spanked, and he was beaten by his mother. He's always pointing to dd's behavior and saying what his mom would have done had he done that. I try to remind him that he is probably remembering being 7 or 8 not 2, 3, or 4.
I want to make clear that dh is not a monster. He has been a wonderful husband to me, and has usually been patient and kind. He doesn't scream--rather he is very lowkey and sometimes comes across as cold or unemotional. Whe he was a child, his mother heaped a lot of responsibility on him I think (leaving him home alone at 8 yo while she worked a nightshift, letting him drive at 10; they never did trick or treat for halloween, trees for christmas, birthday parties, etc.) and he seems rather disconnected from childhood and what that means. He is much better with our 2 yo son who has a more laid-back personality, and seems much more baby-like than dd did at this age, largely because he does not talk much. It just saddens me that he seems willing and able to see the negative in dd much more than the positive.
I don't want things to get anymore out of control than they already are. It's as though she is a different child with him and with me. She has told me that she will never do what dh says because he is mean and rude and big. This is breaking my heart and I don't know what to do
Thanks for reading this long post. I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom. Thanks.
I have been wanting to post about this for a while, but it is so difficult to write about, and I have been putting it off, but I am at my wit's end and really need some advice/ help. I have 2 kids--4 yo dd and 2 yo ds. DD is a wonderful girl, but has always been high maintenance and very sensitive. She is also very athletic, extremely bright, precocious, probably gifted. In particular she is very precocious verbally--she speaks very clearly and has a tremendous vocabulary. She is also and always has been very tall and lean. When she was 2, people easily thought she was 4. She is also very independent, willful, and "spirited." Dh and I have always argued about the best way to handle her. Dh has always expressed a concern that she will be a brat, get herself hurt, manipulate us, etc. if not handled with a firm hand. I always wanted to be more gd, but that just didn't work for me. In order to keep peace (and also because I was worn out) I tried things more dh's way--the year she was 3, I moved away from redirection and natural consequences toward a different style of parenting--punishment/ reward, spanking. DD always responded to that kind of parenting with intense screams and crying--not so much from physical pain, but from what she perceived as the injustice of it. She'd scream things like "you shouldn't doooo that! You shouldn't ever dooooo that!" I was always ambivalent about parenting that way and as she turned 4 and began to calm down a little, I decided I wouldn't do it anymore. We talk a lot about unconditional love, and she is intrigued by the concept and asks lots of questions. She loves to be helpful and asks me again and again to recount true stories that feature her as the hero (for example, recently she and her brother were at the gym daycare, and she took him to potty. She was so proud of herself!). She tells me all the time that she loves me, particularly when I have demonstrated patience, understanding, or unconditional love. For example, when she wet the bed and felt bad about it, I went in and changed the sheets, saying nothing more than, "that's okay. It happens" and continued changing the sheets, she said, "I love you mom." I think she is very sensitive and perceptive to looks of approval or disapproval, etc.
Well, my dh has reached no such understanding with her, and they are at it constantly. Dh has never figured out a way to effectively discipline her, or relate to her, I think. Because I won't allow spanking or threatening, he just does nothing and eventually has an outburst, doing something that I think crosses the line. Some examples:
1. When she was 19 months old and I was very sick and trying to nightwean her, she was crying so much and for so long that eventually dh closed her in a closet.
2. When she was 2 and crying, screaming for a ball and would not take no for an answer, dh finally said "here" and threw the ball at her face, hitting her with it. She screamed and cried in response.
3. Once in a store parking lot, 3.5 year old dd was tantruming because she wanted me to put her in her carseat, not him. She kept screaming "put me down! Put me down!" Dh said "ok" and let go. She fell on the pavement, and screamed and cried, "why did you do that??!!!" Dh says he thought she was going to put her feet down and land standing up.
4. He never actually spanks her, but often threatens her and has made clear to her that he really wants to.
5. Tonight, she opened a can of Coca Cola even though we told her not to. She started sipping it and dh decided to make her drink the whole thing to teach her a lesson. I allowed it because last night we got into this huge argument with him saying I "de-man" him by intervening between him and dd and not letting him discipline her. In this same argument, he had told me that he doesn't want to dislike his own daughter.
And really, I think that's what it comes down to. Because dd can be difficult and disobedient, dh has a hard time hiding dislike for her. I've even had talks with dd about why she disobeys her dad so much. She has told me "Because he gets too frustrated and he doesn't like me." When I asked her what could he do, then, to make her do what he says, she said "He should do what you do." She defined this as "do things with me and watch movies with me and cuddle me."
This is beginning to cause problems for dh and me. I feel as though he acts immaturely and often bullies her. It hurts me and it's unattractive. Yes, dd can be challenging, but she's so fun and smart and loving. She loves to draw--at one point she'd draw about 50 pictures a day, half of them flowers the other half of them pictures of me with "mom" or "I love you" written on them. I wish she felt she could show such love toward her daddy.
Both I and my husband grew up without fathers, so the realm of fatherhood and what that means is largely uncharted territory for us. We both come from a traditional seen-and-not-heard, respect your parents or you'll get your @ss beat kind of culture. The difference is, I was never really spanked, and he was beaten by his mother. He's always pointing to dd's behavior and saying what his mom would have done had he done that. I try to remind him that he is probably remembering being 7 or 8 not 2, 3, or 4.
I want to make clear that dh is not a monster. He has been a wonderful husband to me, and has usually been patient and kind. He doesn't scream--rather he is very lowkey and sometimes comes across as cold or unemotional. Whe he was a child, his mother heaped a lot of responsibility on him I think (leaving him home alone at 8 yo while she worked a nightshift, letting him drive at 10; they never did trick or treat for halloween, trees for christmas, birthday parties, etc.) and he seems rather disconnected from childhood and what that means. He is much better with our 2 yo son who has a more laid-back personality, and seems much more baby-like than dd did at this age, largely because he does not talk much. It just saddens me that he seems willing and able to see the negative in dd much more than the positive.
I don't want things to get anymore out of control than they already are. It's as though she is a different child with him and with me. She has told me that she will never do what dh says because he is mean and rude and big. This is breaking my heart and I don't know what to do
Thanks for reading this long post. I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom. Thanks.
.)
Really?????
