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Originally Posted by EnviroBecca  Wow! I read the whole thing, and I am so glad to see the positive updates!
We have a somewhat similar situation in our family--it's not as extreme, and I too have had moments of shockingly poor judgment when overwhelmed by frustration with the kid, and we do agree on our philosophy of parenting, BUT we have been hearing things like, "Go away, Daddy! I don't like you!" for more than two years now and the kid has never turned against me that way, only his dad.
One thing that's very frustrating for us is that EnviroDaddy can do the exact same thing I would do, say the same words, everything, but EnviroKid will react much worse and hold a grudge. The way EnviroKid has explained it to me is, "Daddy's yelling is meaner than yours, and Daddy's not-yelling is scarier than yours." I think it is a difference in vocal tone, and we may not be able to do much about that. My point is, it's hard to convince EnviroDaddy to do things the way I do when it seems like every time he does it my way, it goes wrong!
Also, it's become obvious that EnviroKid holds his two parents to different standards, which I suspect is an issue for you too. He is much more forgiving of me. I can nag and snap at him all day long (sometimes, it feels like I have  ) and he'll get mad at me for 5 minutes at a time but still want to be with me constantly; but if his dad slightly raises his voice after an entire day of pleasantness, EnviroKid will flip out, hit him, scream at him, demand that he go away, and refuse to be alone with him for hours or days.  My best guess is that this arises from our different roles when he was a baby: I am the source of life and food, the center of everything; he cannot risk detachment from me. Daddy is just this guy who's around, and he might even be a competitor for my attention; bonding with him is conditional on his cooperating with what EnviroKid wants to do, so objecting to EnviroKid's behavior jeopardizes the bond. And I'm not even a SAHM--are you? If you spend a lot more time with your kids than your husband does, and if your daughter was with you pretty constantly as a baby, this may well be a factor, even now--my kid is 4, too.
I second the recommendations of encouraging dad and daughter to do special things together. It works wonders in my family! For example, EnviroKid had been refusing to let EnviroDaddy put him to bed. One evening, they were talking about stories, and EnviroKid said he wished there was "something in between The Wizard of Oz and Little House on the Prairie." EnviroDaddy suggested A Christmas Carol (I wouldn't have put it in that category  but it's worked!) and offered to read it at bedtime. I came upstairs to find them getting ready for bed half an hour early and EnviroKid cheerfully informing me that my services would not be required.  Suddenly EnviroDaddy is the bedtime parent, at least until they finish the book!
Good luck to you!  |
Thanks for the insights, Envirobecca. I think there are definitely some similarities in our family dynamics. I think you are totally right about the different standard. DD actually told my husband that she listens to mom because I let her do whatever she wants. This is so not true, as I am the parent (SAHM, yes) who does 90% of the disciplining. But, I do also spend much more quality time with her, and I think makes my nagging, fussing, saying no more forgiveable.
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Originally Posted by EnviroBecca
Anyway, Brownmama, if you're feeling that your husband really is abusive and can't be trusted alone with your daughter, IT IS IMPORTANT TO TRUST THAT FEELING! But if not, and if they're sometimes "needing" you to "rescue" one of them from the other, getting out of the way may help them to work through things between the two of them.
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So, I have never actually said in this thread that my husband is abusive. I know Envirobecca was not saying that I said that, but I just wanted to make it clear. Several other people have gone there, but I have not because I don't believe it to be true. The incidences I recounted sound horrible, and they are definitely inappropriate, but I have just been very confused as how a man who is otherwise always patient, compassionate, and gentle could have such moments of aggression and, as you put it "shockingly poor judgment" with his own baby girl. I do think, Envirobecca, that a man getting angry can be much more frightening to a child than a woman getting angry (especially to children who are home with me all day and see me going through a range of emotions all the time). I heard dd telling my mother today that her daddy "is huge, huge, he's so big, so much bigger than mom but that's because he's a lot older than she is" (I didn't bother to correct the much older part
) Well, DH is 5'11, 180 and I'm only a little smaller than that. But the point I'm making is that I think sometimes daddy's reactions can come across more strongly than mama's (or as dd calls me "mom." She's done that since 18 months
)
I think rather than making plans to leave my husband, the best things I can do for my family right now are to continue talking to my husband, helping him to draw out his feelings and understand his concerns; come up with a practical parenting strategy that we can both agree on; and get a little more hardnosed about enforcing (can't think of a better word right now) daddy/ daughter time--often my husband has tried to start routines or sunday afternoons out, but then he gets a little lazy and doesn't keep it up.
Interestingly enough, dh is starting to buy into the idea that, at least with our dd, more connection and love= better relationship and fewer discipline problems. I told him about the idea of a child's "loving cup" being full or not (is that Pam Leo?). He thinks the idea is right on the money, but the phrase is very, very silly.
I'll take over as the Parent On Duty pretty soon, but it's because EnviroDaddy is tired, not because EnviroKid is rejecting him...and I hear a lot of, "Daddy taught me this song!" and "Daddy and me made this cardboard robot!"...AND later EnviroDaddy tells me about all the great moments of working through things together and how he was able to prevent the usual problems through creative thinking!
