Hugs. I'm sorry. This is so frustrating. I know my "mama bear" always comes out when someone is hitting someone. It's really hard for me to actually not hit the hitter.
But I'm getting there. another story.
Something that comes to mind for me. Acceptance is big. I have been doing some work on acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean tolerance. It means accepting the reality of the situation: making peace with what is. I have come to see that saying "You CANNOT hit" or "That is unacceptable" is counter productive, and it's not even true (Note to self: he can hit and just did.)
Resistance looks like: He should not hit his brother, I can't believe he hit him again! He should know better. This has got to stop!
Acceptance looks like: He is hitting. He is having trouble with self control. I can help him with this. I can protect my children.We will work through this. We will all find our way.
This is part of an internal shift, that helps me come to a place of being where I can see clearly what I want, and how I can help. Not focusing so much on the behavior that just happened, but looking at the whole process. Where is my son right now? What is he needing? etc.
I have heard "What we resist, persists." So that is why I work on acceptance.
Something that describes this is:
Resistance is Futile
Now, for the external response, what that looks like normally when someone hurts someone is: "You wanted ________, so you _________. You may not hit, that hurts. Look how sad/hurt ________ is. He's crying. I will help you think of a better way. You can say, I want _______." etc. over and over again. I learned this way from the book
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
, an excellent, thorough book that's my all-time fave. It doesn't mean your child is difficult to discipline, but that one as a parent finds it difficult to discipline, and it's all about modelling self control and growth.
I don't think punishments/consequences work because it focuses the child on what happens to *him* rather than what happens to the other person when they get hurt. A lifelong lesson there. I know it is very tempting to use the quick punishment, i've done it and it just doesn't work.
When hitting has gotten really bad around here for short periods, I have just made the commitment to more actively supervise and be physically close to my children. This has happened twice in their lives, once just recently. Those phases lasted a couple weeks and in the meantime I was able to model more appropriate behavior and stay more centered because the hitting wasn't happening to knock me off center.
Sometimes the hitting is actually just a way of wanting to connect with the sibling. Look deep and see if you can find out what's really going on. I know my 3.5 yo was constantly grabbing his baby sister and pulling her around. If I got frustrated and said stuff like "Stop pulling her! She doesn't like it! Stop it!" It got worse. I was focusing on what I didn't want. So I am trying to take time each day, several times a day, to show him how to hold her, how to hug her, make sure he gets face time with her, with me there to help. It's worked wonders.
Another thing I have been doing:
Sleep Talk
I hope something in there helps. You will find your way!
