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post #41 of 66
I am leaning toward family B because the child already knows them well.

I would also like to know how old the child is.

If these people know you and love you and your child, why wouldn't they respect your wishes regarding spanking?
post #42 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
A

I would never consider leaving my child with someone who would assault ("spank") or neglect ("CIO") them.

Religious events can be put on hold.

We have a lifetime to cultivate our faith, and it could take just as long to heal from abuse.

Trin.
What she said!
post #43 of 66
I think I'd go with the family my child wanted to be with, really. In another thread I read that your son is 6, is that right? And that you've spent a year away from him a few years ago. Who took care of him then? If that person or family is available I may also go with the same people he stayed with the last extended time apart from you. Thats a toughie! I think I'd go crazy w/o my kid for that long! Hope you find someone you are satisfied with, best luck.
post #44 of 66
The autism thing really puts things into perspective so please take that into account, future posters!

To take a kid with autism and move him across the country to live with people he doesn't know, away from his therapies, is almost a guarantee of disaster. Consistency is really important, esp with his therapies, and with routine and familiar people. So I'd go with family B, with the caveat that you meet with them to discuss sensory issues/behavior issues/discipline that does NOT involve spanking, since that is particularly inappropriate for a child with special needs. Set up a behavior plan with them and then talk regularly via phone, e-mail, if necessary, to help them follow it.
post #45 of 66
Family b would be completely discluded...I see spanking someone's child, especially someone else's child as abuse. While I can see the autism and upheaval being Very difficult I would still choose family A and try to contact a church in the area to see if I could arrange for spiritual guidance that would not burden the hosting family.
post #46 of 66
Thread Starter 
Interesting. This was a complete hypothetical, as I do not know a "family A" IRL. When I was gone, the older two kids stayed with their dad (the infant was conceived and born after I returned.). But, looking at it, DH is "family B". (He is their dad, also, not step-dad).
post #47 of 66
I would choose A.

But religion is low on my priority list. I figure I could undo whatever "damage" was done, since this isn't a permanent arrangement.
post #48 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes View Post
Interesting. This was a complete hypothetical, as I do not know a "family A" IRL. When I was gone, the older two kids stayed with their dad (the infant was conceived and born after I returned.). But, looking at it, DH is "family B". (He is their dad, also, not step-dad).
I'm not sure I understand. Surely, if your dh is all of your children's biological father and he's involved with them day to day, it would be the logical choice to leave them with him instead of (hypothetical) strangers? My dh would never dream of co-sleeping with the kids (he can't sleep with little squirming bodies in bed) and he has left them to CIO when we were both too frustrated to constructively soothe a child. I wouldn't even consider leaving them with someone else, especially strangers accross the country where he couldn't see them for a year, if I had to leave for that time period. Just because his parenting can seem harsh in some situations to outsiders, doesn't mean he doesn't love and cherish his children with every fibre of his being. I know for a fact that it would kill him if he couldn't see them for a year. Are you concerned that your dh might not be able to properly care for your children during that year?
post #49 of 66
Quote:
Interesting. This was a complete hypothetical, as I do not know a "family A" IRL. When I was gone, the older two kids stayed with their dad (the infant was conceived and born after I returned.). But, looking at it, DH is "family B". (He is their dad, also, not step-dad).
This would have been good to know a little earlier.

Trin.
post #50 of 66
That is a hard one but my religious beliefs are more important to me than my AP/NFL beliefs. I would have the toughest time with the diet and the CIO aspect of the family B... Oh and I wouldn't feel comfortable with this family spanking my child.
post #51 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by itsrtimedownhere View Post
A.

CIO will damage your baby for life. not going to church for a few months will not.
I had a lot of religious experiences as a kid and it's really a personal decision. I can't say attending another religion's services as being that terrible on a short term basis.

But then again I can never conceive of being in a situation like this. Luckily, my family is super-crunchy and about 50 people would offer their homes in a heartbeat, and my in-laws are more traditional but do NOT CIO or anything like spanking, so they would be fine, too. Thank the gods.
post #52 of 66
Provided this wasn't an immediate decision to make, I'd start looking around to try and get connected with families that were more likeminded in all areas.

Neither option sounds good to me. I'd probably go with the family across the country, if I knew they would respect our religion in front of our child, *but* I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all, especially with my child not knowing them well.

On the other hand, it would be perfectly reasonable to have an agreement with the other family that they *not* spank your child. If they were just stricter than us but still a loving family, I could go with them. They shouldn't spank another person's child anyway with out express written permission. Doing anything else could get sticky for them, and they probably know that.
post #53 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes View Post
Interesting. This was a complete hypothetical, as I do not know a "family A" IRL. When I was gone, the older two kids stayed with their dad (the infant was conceived and born after I returned.). But, looking at it, DH is "family B". (He is their dad, also, not step-dad).

This is pretty important here. If you are talking about the child's father, I don't see how you could possibly take his child away from him and give the kid to a virtual stranger. I believe most people here thought you were talking about sending the kids to live with extended family or a family friend not chosing between the kids' father and someone else. Sorry but a child being with thier father (who as you stated loves them) trumps AP and NFL in my book.
post #54 of 66
I consider spanking and CIO to be abusive so I would choose A no matter what. But if "Family B" really means the child's biological father, it's sticky. My husband would do anything to prevent being separated from our son for so long. Even if we were divorced, I'd never even think of keeping them apart that way. Then again, spanking and CIO are abusive in my book and I consider vaccination a complete dealbreaker, right up there with circumcision.

A tough one.
post #55 of 66
Wait a minute....I just read through this....the family B is the dad? Why wouldn't you leave your child with his own father who has been there for him forever? Unless he was really, really abusive or something.

I mean, I would rather leave my ds1 with the father of my 2nd baby, who he knows well, than his biological father who he does not really know at all, because even though we (2nd baby's dad & I )have definitely had our issues relating to parenting and he does certain things very differently (i.e. he does a sort of CIO thing and is not opposed to spanking, definitely the "family B") when I really did have to be away from my ds, instead of taking advantage of the situation to start parenting ds the way he thought it should be done (and which we had very frequently argued about), he went out of his way to make arrangements for ds that he knew *I* would feel were best for ds, and then followed up to ensure that ds was being cared for the way I would have wanted.

Before this happened I was sure that he was a control freak on TOP of having what I thought were sub-par parenting skills. After seeing how he handled the situation I am convinced that although he may have made mistakes (like we all do) when it came down to it he had ds's best interests at heart. Ds asks for him all the time.

I say that to say that knowing what I have seen now I would much, much rather see a child go to someone who you know loves them dearly, no matter how different their parenting style may be, than someone who doesn't know them as much and isn't as vested in the situation. That person in spite of their different parenting style, if they love the child as much as you say they do (whether it's dad or just a good friend) will adjust to do what's in the CHILD'S best interests.

I think that's what it boils down to, way more than whether the family eats organic or goes to church.
post #56 of 66
I'd go w the AP family. I would feel like leaving my child w the cio family would be like abandoning them emotionally. I spent a llot of time away from my mother (didn't know my father) when I was young and it was such a terrible heart ache. I would really want someone who could be there for my little guys to help them with that. That's really by far the thing I'd be most concerned about in your hypothetical. They could feed the kids twinkies every day and take them to services for 12 different religions and even go crazy visiting the doctor and I'd still pick them if I felt like they could take care of my kids' emotional needs and make them feel really cared for. I do not think the cio family could do that.
post #57 of 66
This thread just makes me feel sad. It's so awful that mamas would just let their children be hit and neglected, even if it's the father doing it.
post #58 of 66
Family A. I wouldn't even leave my daughter with a family like B for a few hours.
post #59 of 66
Hard to know if they are hypothetical people....but, I think it has to do with varying degrees of what they do. If it is a super parent dominant house where the kids are spanked or threatened with spanking throughout the day (as I have sadly seen), I would never leave my kids there. If they do CIO starting as a newborn and never go to the kiddo, even when sick, etc - again, I'd never leave my kids there.

But, there are families that I, for the most part, really like. They may not make all the same choices as I do, but I think they are overall great families. I can think of one friend who did rarely give her kids a spanking - one swat on the bottom. I don't think it is the best parenting strategy, and I have never done it, but it is far from beating a kid. I have another friend who did resort to CIO after a year and a half of sleep deprivation. Again, I don't think it is the greatest choice, but at that point, I think she did what she had to do. If my kids were overall really comfortable with these people, I think the risk of emotional trauma from one swat on the bottom once a year is less than the risk of being transplanted and left with people a kid doesn't know and having to form new bonds with them, even if they are really gentle people. But, again, hard to know unless you have real people with real examples of behavior! Glad you don't have to really make that choice!
post #60 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
A

I would never consider leaving my child with someone who would assault ("spank") or neglect ("CIO") them.

Religious events can be put on hold.

We have a lifetime to cultivate our faith, and it could take just as long to heal from abuse.

Trin.
This precisely.
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