I HATE breastfeeding!!!!!!!!!!!! - Page 2

[Latte Mama]

OP, someone should have stepped in for you WAY before now. WAY before it got to the point of BF not trusting you with the baby. What does that even mean? Does he think you will hurt your son? Do YOU feel like that?

This is way beyond weaning mama. I understand the decision is made but please get some help. I do think you may need to go in the hospital.

Bottles... There are bottles simulated to behave like the breast but they are pricey. Your best bet is to get some that have a wide based nipple like the playtex drop ins. I have a bunch from when I EP'd. If you want, PM me and I'll send you them and all you'll have to buy is new nipples and liners. I also have a few Dr. Browns that I only used maybe twice. My son didn't like them. You're welcome to them. If you don't feel comfortable taking them, I understand. But they're freebies if you need them.

For you, cold cabbage leaves in your bra help a lot (I've heard). You may see if WIC will help, not sure if they will at this stage, someone else may have that answer. Generic formula is much cheaper and has the same basic ingredients as name brand. You don't have that long to use it and I know money is tight.

Hang in there.

[bean-e]

oh...I am so sorry to read about your recent stressful and life changing events.
I am also sorry to write the following but I feel I have to. It is a concern that you have ppd and worries about what you might do or not do to your baby (I have phoned my partner at work a few times to tell him to come home because of my frustration with her and just wanting to throw her down in bed). It is also a concern to have him spend most of his time with dad considering what you said about him. You said that he has been saying terrible (I think) things about your for a while now; that is emotional abuse. If he is abusive to you, then there is a good possibility that he is/will be abusive with Lincoln as well. Are there other options? Are there supports for women leaving abusive relationships in your area?

[rivkah]

I am sorry to hear that you are still having such a bad time. I know you have recently posted about being ill. I want to repeat again that you need to look into taking time off of school. You say that you can't pay loans back. However, if you have federal loans, it is QUITE easy, really to get a temporary deferral. In addition, please consider talking to your school about going part-time.

I also encourage you to X-post in the student/working mama board.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by bean-e

oh...I am so sorry to read about your recent stressful and life changing events.
I am also sorry to write the following but I feel I have to. It is a concern that you have ppd and worries about what you might do or not do to your baby (I have phoned my partner at work a few times to tell him to come home because of my frustration with her and just wanting to throw her down in bed). It is also a concern to have him spend most of his time with dad considering what you said about him. You said that he has been saying terrible (I think) things about your for a while now; that is emotional abuse. If he is abusive to you, then there is a good possibility that he is/will be abusive with Lincoln as well. Are there other options? Are there supports for women leaving abusive relationships in your area?

I'm glad you said it. From her previous posts/thread, he wouldn't help at all with the baby and blamed it on her nursing . He's also in school and I cannot see someone who is abusive to his child's mother, someone who has not been involved with said child suddenly take good, loving care of same child. What's he going to do when the baby is crying nonstop in the middle of the night? Not good.

[bean-e]

Additional thoughts

Hello again,

I could not stop thinking about you this afternoon and feel that I want to say more. If I read correctly, you breastfed Lincoln for 10 months already despite all the challenges you were going through (taking care of a baby, ppd, relationship issues...etc.). That tells me what an amazing mama you are and what you've got in you to keep yourself going. This is also not the first time you have posted about your challenges with breastfeeding and needing and wanting help from you ex, so you are also aware of when you need support and how to get it. What wonderful and necessary qualities for a mom to have...

And think, despite all your difficulties in the past ten months, you have provided Lincoln with love, nurturance and safety, meaning you have given him all that he needs. I wonder if it's the ppd talking when you think it's better for him to be with his dad rather than his primary caregiver, you. I didn't have ppd, but I have dealt with depression a few times and I know that I was never able to think clearly when I was living in the fog (though I thought I was thinking clearly). I worry that when you ppd is over that you would regret letting Lincoln spend most of his time with his dad and that it would be difficult for you to get him back (I guess you would know the legalities better than me). Do you have someone who can advise you on how to handle this situation so that your best interests are kept in mind? Ppd is very powerful and it's best to make these big decisions with a caring person.

[earthmama4]

Call 211 and ask for the number of the nearest crisis nursery. You can take your baby there and get a break, no questions asked, day or night. I second the idea to go to the hospital to seek immediate help for your PPD. If you don't have a crisis nursery take the baby with you. The meds and the counseling aren't helping, but there will something that can. There are options. Please take care of yourself and then you can take care of the baby.

[zazenist]

Adding my support... I'm not sure what advice to give that other wise mamas haven't already given, but I do want to second the advice to seek a deferment on your student loans so that you can take some time off. Regardless of what's going on with your LO, sounds like you just need some time to regroup and get yourself fixed up. Like the PP, I have had several years' worth of deferments on my student loans, some for financial hardship and some due to a chronic illness I suffer from. For federal loans, they are pretty easy to get - not many questions asked and you are very unlikely to be turned down. Buy yourself some time to take care of yourself, please. I also second the advice to do what you have to do to get help for the PPD... I have suffered from depression, too, and it's not something to mess around with. Go to the ER if you have to - I know student insurance is pretty useless.

[earthmama4]

I was thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are doing.

I weaned one of my children at 13 months for medical reasons and I did it cold turkey and it was uncomfortable and a bit traumatic, but we got through. I was going to suggest that you drop one feeding every few days, saving baby's favorites (bedtime, naptime usually) for last so that your body and his have time to adjust. I probably wouldn't introduce a bottle at 10 months as its usually recommended to be OFF the bottle by a year and that is only a couple months away. I think going straight to cow's milk (unless there are allergy issues) is fine at this age (my peds have always said its ok to start giving cow's milk in a cup by 9-10 mos - I just don't because we do have allergies in our family). Trying to convince a 10 month old who has been EBF sweet breastmilk to take bitter formula (it IS bitter IMO due to all the added stuff) is not an easy task. Cow's milk is closer in flavor to breastmilk, especially if you warm it slightly. With my 13 month old, he had never had milk and didn't really like it, so I added a bit of chocolate syrup and warmed it and then he took to it really well. Its still one of his favorites.

[mama2mygirl]

You need some help. It's okay to need real help. Not a critical BF or MIL. These are not "normal" feelings. Everyone doesn't want to leave their baby. I can hear that you love your baby. I really can. So for you to be at this point, you need help.
Do you have a mom or sister or friend that understands how bad it is? If you do, go to them right now. Tell them you are coming and go over.
Do you have a LLL who will help you with a screaming baby?
You need to get away from your BF and MIL and find someone who gets how much you are not yourself right now.
Take things slowly and find one person who can help. Worry about everything else later.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

PPD isnt something you can just stop it isnt wish it was because life would be so much easier.

I am sorry you are going to wean and I hope it makes your life easier and isnt something you will regret. I had to wean my oldest at 32 months because I just couldnt take it any more and I still carry that guilt to this day.

What meds are you on and what dosage? Because there are many bfing safe meds out there and possibly a higher dose of the one you are on now might help a lot.

[writteninkursive]

I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. I had PPD after my first baby (also having a terrible relationship with my ex), and I know how you feel! I would get so angry at my daughter, and she was just this little innocent baby!

Please don't abandon your son! Because someday, you'll be past all this PPD stuff and you'll look back and your son will have scars from you leaving him. He needs you, especially now as separation anxiety is usually really high in babies that age. If his dad isn't a good dad, you have to do what you can to take care of him. Definitely get help! Do you have a relative around that can help you? If you need to, you can take a semester off school and if you talk to your loan company, they more than likely will give you a deferment for medical reasons. But will it help to be out of school? School is my break away from my kids, and I'm always more stressed when I'm not in school. Maybe just reduce your courseload for next semester to half-time (or less) and take easy stuff to reduce school stress while you work things out.

Know that someday things will be different. After I left my bad relationship with my daughters' dad, things improved so much. I went on to marry the love of my life and we had a baby in August, and mothering is SOOO different with him! I am not angry at my infant son for anything! I didn't get PPD with him, and breastfeeding is going so smoothly. It CAN be different. But right now, you have to get help and keep trucking, for Lincoln's sake. You'll be glad you did in the end.

I hope things improve for you QUICKLY! Maybe you can find a mama on Mothering that lives near you and is willing to watch Lincoln while you take some time off to sort stuff out?

[RandiFlowers]

~~Quoted post removed
Abimommy

Sorry -- but there comes a time when lactavism needs to come to a screeching halt and the mother's health needs to be addressed.

Without exaggeration -- NONE -- the ["just get over it and keep BF"] is the attitude that nearly killed me.

I'll spare you the hell I endured, but suffice it to say that my story was close to making the papers. Yet all those LLL people around me couldn't get off their damned script. Turns out that NONE of them were even remotely close to the real problem. Not even close. By the time this hell was over, my husband was a better LC than all those ladies combined.

My sister bought me a great book that taught me to understand that sometimes BF just doesn't work out for everyone, and not to dump regret on myself about it. The book was a great in helping to offset the lactavists who were going out of their way to make me feel totally incompetent. (In the end, it was they who were totally and unforgivably incompetent.) There are some things that can't be fixed with just a Boppy and a better latch.

And you wanna know where I finally got real help from a lactivist? Chele Marmet had been working with me on complicated and rare BF issue. But as soon as the signs of PPD were clear, she was the first one to tell me to STOP THE INSANITY. What the H is the benefit of a mildly boosted immune system for baby if mommy is dead from exhaustion?

OP, get yourself some help from a professional who deals with PPD... and who has LIVED through PPD. Here's a great place to start:
http://drshosh.com/

Another fantastic person:
http://nightingalecenter.com/loisbio.html

Even if you can't work with them on a regular basis, they will talk to you & help you to find help. Both of these women were amazing.

Avoid the psychiatrists who just want to pump you up on drugs and treat you like a "normal" case of depression and then tell you to report back in a few weeks. PPD is not "normal" depression. Not by a long shot. Don't let them treat you like it is.

Your baby needs a functioning mother a whole hell of a lot more than he needs a functioning breast. Get some Dr. Brown's (http://www.handi-craft.com/), get some food, get some rest... and get some professional help.

[justice'smom]

I don't know anything about ppd and am usually pro bf as long as you can and are comfortable with, but it sounds like you have done an amazing job so far. 10 months already with the problems that you have had are again just amazing. I know you probably don't feel like a good mom right now, but you have gone further than most women would. Also the fact that you would come on here and admit to the things you have is AWESOME! Do you know how many women would never say those things and would never ask for help? It's a lot. Kudos to you for that. You may possibly be helping someone else with this post who is afraid to say the same thing. I agree with the other posters, find help. I think you are going to be such an amazing mom once you get some help. I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish there was something more I could do. Please post again at some point and let us all know how great things are going because I truely believe that things are going to be great for you soon.

[DCMama01]

Originally Posted by RandiFlowers

Sorry -- but there comes a time when lactavism needs to come to a screeching halt and the mother's health needs to be addressed.

Without exaggeration -- NONE -- the ["just get over it and keep BF"] is the attitude that nearly killed me.

I'll spare you the hell I endured, but suffice it to say that my story was close to making the papers. Yet all those LLL people around me couldn't get off their damned script. Turns out that NONE of them were even remotely close to the real problem. Not even close. By the time this hell was over, my husband was a better LC than all those ladies combined.

My sister bought me a great book that taught me to understand that sometimes BF just doesn't work out for everyone, and not to dump regret on myself about it. The book was a great in helping to offset the lactavists who were going out of their way to make me feel totally incompetent. (In the end, it was they who were totally and unforgivably incompetent.) There are some things that can't be fixed with just a Boppy and a better latch.

And you wanna know where I finally got real help from a lactivist? Chele Marmet had been working with me on complicated and rare BF issue. But as soon as the signs of PPD were clear, she was the first one to tell me to STOP THE INSANITY. What the H is the benefit of a mildly boosted immune system for baby if mommy is dead from exhaustion?

OP, get yourself some help from a professional who deals with PPD... and who has LIVED through PPD. Here's a great place to start:
http://drshosh.com/

Another fantastic person:
http://nightingalecenter.com/loisbio.html

Even if you can't work with them on a regular basis, they will talk to you & help you to find help. Both of these women were amazing.

Avoid the psychiatrists who just want to pump you up on drugs and treat you like a "normal" case of depression and then tell you to report back in a few weeks. PPD is not "normal" depression. Not by a long shot. Don't let them treat you like it is.

Your baby needs a functioning mother a whole hell of a lot more than he needs a functioning breast. Get some Dr. Brown's (http://www.handi-craft.com/), get some food, get some rest... and get some professional help.

Thank you!!!!!

Mommies are humans, not superheroes.

[JessicaS]

PPD is very hard.


Every nursing relationship has two members, the mom is equally important.

I am sorry your son has been sick, I am sure that has been incredibly difficult. Is your mom available or someone else to help you so you can get some rest?

I had severe PPD with my daughter, I did start seeking counseling and I did get on meds.

Just a little bit of sleep really did a lot for my frame of mind.

Be easy on yourself.

[maggiemae]

I have been where you are now. Don't give up. Hold your sweet baby tight and seek some help. It won't always be this hard.