Kislev Jewish Mama's Thread - Page 2

[Faliciagayle]

Originally Posted by jul511riv

AGREED! Now who's movin' where?

Aren't you near the Golan? I could probably put my degree to use up there

[tikva18]

My challah recipe is straight out of Spice and Spirit Cookbook - I think it's called 'basic challah'. I just substitute the spelt for the wheat.


2 1/2 c warm water
2 pckts yeast
1/2 C honey
1 T salt
4 eggs
3/4 C oil
9 C flour (I do half whole spelt and half unbleached white)

I do not necessarily use all 9 C... kind of depends. I let the yeast bubble for 10 minutes with the honey mixed in.
I let my challah rise in the oven with the temp. turned off after I warmed up the oven for a couple of minutes.

Glaze:
1 egg
a healthy squirt of honey (maybe about a T or so)
poppyseeds

I like to bake at 325...

[jul511riv]

Originally Posted by Faliciagayle

Aren't you near the Golan? I could probably put my degree to use up there

No doubt. And I'll bet your wines would kick the butt of the wines they've got goin' up there. I'm NOT a big fan, but then again, I was spoiled with wine country!

When are we doing the phone call, mama?

[Nickarolaberry]

Hi all, just checking in to say howdy and sub.

SaraFR, how ya' doing? Anything to tell us?

It's bright and sunny and 75 degrees today. I ran a half marathon (13.1 miles) this morning, it was . Big deal for me, the longest I've done since I ran a marathon on my first wedding anniversary (13 years ago) and my first big race since before kids/nursing. I'm hoping to do a full marathon at the end of February. Nice thing about Florida is year-long outdoor running (as long as you do it before sunrise April-October).

Running is cheaper than therapy and without it I'd be a deranged lunatic, so there ya go.

Not much else to report...dh's job sitch still up in the air. . Just keep davening!

[Kelilah]

Tikva, thank you for that challah recipe. I'm looking forward to trying it! It's been awhile since I made my bread by hand - usually I let the bread machine do most of the work, then I just shape it and bake it in the oven - and I think a good round of doing it all by hand would be great therapy right now. I'll do that soon.

Tomorrow is my mother-in-law's funeral and then on Tuesday I'm going to the spa and hopefully the mikvah after that... I haven't been to the mikvah in about eight years so I'm a little nervous. Eeep. But Tuesday is twice blessed, right? Maybe I'll be blessed with a baby that lives.

[Faliciagayle]

nic - AWESOME!!!! way to go, mama! I hope things turn around for DH soon.

Kelilah -

Riv - how far ahead are you? 5 hours? (We're east coast time)

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Nickarolaberry

Not much else to report...dh's job sitch still up in the air. . Just keep davening!

You moved to a whole new community for DH's job, and now even that's not certain?

Originally Posted by Kelilah

Tomorrow is my mother-in-law's funeral and then on Tuesday I'm going to the spa and hopefully the mikvah after that... I haven't been to the mikvah in about eight years so I'm a little nervous. Eeep. But Tuesday is twice blessed, right? Maybe I'll be blessed with a baby that lives.

I'm sorry for your losses.

[SaraFR]

Originally Posted by tikva18

anyway - parsha books. I presume you are looking for something more than "My First Parsha Reader" http://seforimcenter.com/prodtype.as...FRDxDAodgTh0nQ

I wanted to second that book. Another good option is Tell Me The Story of The Parsha (I think that's it). It's less detailed than My First Parsha Reader but has incredible pictures. It's pricey though but that's probably because the pages are each laminated so they should last longer.

Originally Posted by tikva18

I also have had greater success since switching to spelt. I use half whole and half unbleached white spelt.

I also found spelt worked better in challa than wheat did.

Originally Posted by Nickarolaberry

Hi all, just checking in to say howdy and sub.

SaraFR, how ya' doing? Anything to tell us?

B"H, we've got what to say but I unfortunately lost your number . I've been meaning to call you though. You're on my list of who to contact.

I'm sorry it's not going so easy for your husband on the job front.

[jul511riv]

Originally Posted by Faliciagayle

nic - AWESOME!!!! way to go, mama! I hope things turn around for DH soon.

Kelilah -

Riv - how far ahead are you? 5 hours? (We're east coast time)

I think 7 hours. We are on +2 time. It's 1:15pm here and it's 6:15am east coast time.

[Faliciagayle]

I can't get the link to the book Tikva18 suggested to work.
What's the title, who's the author, publisher?

[lurve]

the link will take you to the general store. when you are there type in "my first parsha" and the books will come up. there are five books and you can buy them in a set.

[imnottelling]

Originally Posted by lurve

the link will take you to the general store. when you are there type in "my first parsha" and the books will come up. there are five books and you can buy them in a set.

We own them. Got them as my kids' chanuka present last year with the money they got from their grandparents.

They love them.

(My boys are 4 and 2.5)

[Kelilah]

Excuse me if this is a personal question, but does anyone here do taharas ha'mishpacha and want to talk about it? I dabbled in it a little with my first husband but never could quite commit to it, and for the past 7 or 8 years I've barely even thought about it. But I went to the mikvah on Tuesday night and emerged from that water completely healed from my miscarriage - I mean completely - and my MIL's death and everything else. It was like I just washed off all the stress and negativity. And the next morning, I started showing signs of ovulation, like G-d was just waiting for me to immerse before we started working on another baby (we did wait until after immersion to try again).

So now I'm thinking about making a regular practice of THM (if I don't get pregnant on this cycle, which I hope I do) but I don't know how to make it work on a long-term basis. My husband isn't Jewish and I don't think he would be thrilled. And I would still have to sleep in the bed with him and such - we couldn't do the no-contact thing. So maybe there's no point in doing it at all unless I plan on going whole hog.

What do y'all think? Anyone got stories or information to share?

[jul511riv]

Kelilah,

We do Taharat Mishpacha and I'm totally an open book about it. I wish that more women in the community would be, actually, because it is such an important and beautiful mitzvah and even though it is very personal to talk about the inner workings of your "sex life," it is critical that we learn and get good information from other women who have btdt and lived to tell about it.

That being said, and I want to say this as gently as humanly possible, you are not under any halachic obligation to go to the mikvah whatsoever because your husband is not Jewish. Furthermore, if it is something that will make your husband upset and cause marital strife, well I'm not saying DON'T do it, but since you are not under any halachic obligation to do it, then it seems that causing a chink in your shalom bayit over it may just not be worth it.

I also want to say that as a religious woman who comes form a "mixed marriage," (meaning my father is not Jewish and my mother is) I understand and respect the need to preserve your Jewish hertiage and also the sancity of the marriage that you are in and it gets very muddled in the religious community when those two things seem to conflict.

That being said, I am so happy that you had a healing experience from the mikvah and if it is important for you to go on a regular basis, then I absolutely encourage you to do so. How you choose to keep TM will be, halachically speaking, totally up to you, as you are not required to keep any of it, so I think you can do what you feel comfortable with and create a lot of grey area so that your husband can come to accept and even support or encourage it and not feel as though it is causing any harm or inconvienence to him in any way.

You may just choose to have total contact with your husband but avoid sexual intercourse until mikvah immersion. You might choose to immerse the day after your period, or you may choose to wait until the halachically prescribed time (though you are not REQUIRED to do this, provided that your husband is not Jewish) to immerse. You could contact your local Chabad House and have a heart to heart with a rebbitzin there about it and maybe she can give you some ideas and insight about how you can keep the tradition of mikvah in a halachically appropriate way to your situation. For example, my mother (again, married to a non-jew) was encouraged to immerse prior to Yom Kippur, once a year. Many will be in agreement that you do not need to say the bracha upon immersion...and many more will say that it might be problematic for you to say a bracha at all, because it is not a mitzvah that is incumbant upon you and therefore you have no mitzvah to fulfill. This is no matter, though, as I have gone to the mikvah myself for reasons NOT related to the halacha of Taharat Mishcpacha (say, immersion in the 9th month of pregnancy, or pre shabbat or chag immersion) and I am also not required to say the bracha, yet I still reap the benefits of dipping in the mikvah waters and feel nurtured and healed by that.

So, first, I would recommend that you talk with an expert (a Chabad Rebbitzin is a good start) in HOW you can do this, hopefully without judgement and only in the spirt of love and encouragement, and then you can decide exactly HOW you would like to keep TM.

I think it's just wonderful that you are doing the work and effort to go and please remember that if someone expresses a non supportive attitude about you going, seek a second opinion. I would be happy to put you in touch with my rebbitzin in San Francisco, if you would like some gentle and helpful guidance, if your local Chabad or other resource is unable to provide it.

So thrilled for your positive healing experience!

[Ruthla]

I kept Taharat HaMishpacha during my first marraige. I would certainly do so again if I re-marry before menopause. I never found it to be uplifting or healing or anything special other than "an hour to myself, away from DH and the kids and the housework staring at me." I'm glad you found such healing in it- it was a much more mundane experience for me.

ITA with Julie's advice to talk to a local rebetzin about your specific situation. The only thing I was going to add is that there is definitely value in going even if you can't fulfill every specific aspect of the mitzvot. My understanding is that "no sexual intercourse during niddah" is a Torah prohibition, and all the other details (no touching, no sharing a bed, etc) are rabinnic prohibitions set up as "a fence around the Torah."

DD2 has been sick the whole holiday weekend. She's been coughing, has a sore throat, and is generally feeling run-down. Channah Yetta bas Ruth.

[smeisnotapirate]

I keep a variation on it as well - DH is not Jewish, so we don't sleep in different beds every night while niddah (though a lot of times we do, because it's HARD), but we try not to touch during my niddah days, except to pass the baby or other things. DH didn't like the idea at first, but we eased into it and I approached it more as a respect thing. I didn't want to be touched or have sex during those times, so DH respected that.

Now that we're pregnant, life has been a lot easier.

I agree with the PPs. Talking to a rebbetzin who will understand your situation would probably help. We did it on our own, and the transition was tough.

[jul511riv]

Ruthla: an hour away from the kids and husband IS relaxing and healing!!!!

But, yeah, I see you on that. I think it's about how you go into it. When I was first doing it, it was so mystical and magical and now it's like "quick, hurry up before the baby needs to nurse!" and all that. Once, I went with a friend and then we went out for coffee afterwords. That was also very healing and relaxing.

Another great experience I've had, here in Israel, is taking the time to talk with the ba'alinit. To get a blessing from a Wise Woman who is older than me, a blessing for love and harmony and shalom bayit...and after my miscarriage, for a blessing of healing and peace and being able to have a good cry before I got in and get blessings when I got out (and a piece of candy!) it all was really something special. I think when it's just me going in and doing the mundane thing, then it runs the risk of being mundane.

I like the idea of in the 9th month of this pregnancy (1.5 months left to go, B"H) going and giving someone else the bracha of fertility...if I know anyone who needs it...I think that would be very special.

At any rate, R"S to Channah Yetta bas Ruth.

[Faliciagayle]

We keep TM the same way we keep Shabbat and Kosher - the way it works for us, at this time, in our current situation. We aren't an orthodox family but we strive for greater observance and understanding of the mitzvot and practice at the level we're comfortable to slightly uncomfortable with

I think it was J.Riv who told me that marriage is like a potato-sack race - you are both bound to each other and try as the other might, you can't really force your partner to go faster than they're able. Just because you aren't able to do something perfectly doesn't render it useless, invalid or irrelevant to your situation.

Neither my mom nor MIL kept TM, and since we're not orthodox I wasn't in kallah (bride) classes or anything, I just did a lot of reading on my own and discovered the "tradition" of a bride immersing before her marriage. When I think back on it (my bridal immersion) it was so halachically WRONG I can't believe it really happened: I'm pretty sure we weren't married after 7 clean days, though I know it wasn't during my menses, obviously. Since I knew no one who did this and was just gleaning information from books, I had read and interpreted that husbands and wives were supposed to DTD when the wife was literally still wet from immersion, or second best, when she hadn't washed the mikvah waters off herself. So I showed up to the Chabad run mikvah on the Sunday *morning* hours before my wedding. No one was there. The mikvah was locked. When I gathered my courage to call the rebetzin she didn't laugh, but calmly and lovingly sent another woman to let me in and be the "mikvah lady" for me.

It was a great experience and one that started and stopped for me on my wedding day... until after DD was born and DH and I had both grown spiritually as people and Jews and TM made sense to give it a try. I got the chance to immerse twice before getting pregnant a second time.

When I'm niddah we pass things to each other. We sleep in the same bed. We refrain from physical, intimate contact. Perhaps we'll go deeper into the practice later in life, but for now, this is where we are. I plan on going in my ninth month (SOON!!!!!!!!! B"H!) and again after birth.

I like the rituals that connect me, as a Jewish woman, to the long and holy line of Jewish women before me. I make challah. I light candles. I immerse. I may not do these things perfectly, but I do them.

[Magelet]

I'm very glad to see this discussion. TM is something I've been interested in on and off, for a while, and have not tried. I've a million reasons I don't think I should, and a million reasons I'm scared to, and several reasons why not yet. Still, it keeps coming back, and being something I'm interested in. Maybe that's to get me used to the idea, and I'm definitely slowly coming around to it.

What is a ba'alinit?

Also, J.Riv, I don't know since it wasn't directed to me, if you don't think she would mind, I would love to talk to your Rebbitzin in San Francisco. (I live in Berkeley). As a not yet convert (though jewish according to reform interpretations, I do plan on converting), partnered (not yet married) to a non-jew with no plans of converting, I guess this mitzvah is not required of me (I know it is not yet), I still am interested. I'm too shy and scared of being disapproved of to call my local chabad, and I don't know of anyone (I know its not something much talked about) who keeps this mitzvah who I know in my congregation. It would be much less intimidating to start talking and learning from someone you recommend as gentle and helpful, if you think she wouldn't mind.

I'm also thrilled at the idea that you CAN go to the mikvah before the 7 days are up. I sort of thought you weren't allowed. It seems like a good stepping stone, just like starting with lighting candles fri night and adding more to shabbat observance as you get comfortable.

thank you ladies, so much for sharing your experiences. It's very helpful, and I learn so much from from you than I ever learn trying to learn online from articles.

[Kelilah]

Thank you so much, all of you, really. That was so helpful and enlightening!

I had no idea that a non-Jewish husband affected the issue. That's very interesting. I also didn't know there was so much flexibility; I figured that I *had* to do the full 12 days or I was, I don't know, polluting the mikvah or something. The trick with our situation is that my husband travels a lot for work, and we spend a lot of time apart already, so when we're together it's really precious and we can't do without it. We don't get too intimate anyway when I'm bleeding though, so if I could just immerse when I stop bleeding that would be a great step.

I think it would help me emotionally as well since any period I have now in my post-miscarriage life is going to feel like a painful failure and I'll need to be renewed. So yeah. I'm very interested. We're traveling back home now and I'll look up the local Chabad when I get there. Thanks again!

Another question: Covering hair. Who does it? What do you get out of it? Any non-Orthodox wives who do it, and to what extent?