Thank you ladies for the hugs and love. I think I felt them at work today even though I hadn't read them yet.
I didn't make it to synagogue this morning, even though I really wanted to go, because I was so late, and felt bad about being late. And then I felt bad about not going, because I wanted the good feelings from shul to carry me through work this afternoon, but it went ok. DP and I stayed in bed and read all, and while it didn't really do much for my depression, it didn't really make it worse either. And I am feeling pretty good right now.
We had a nice quiet shabbat and channukah together last night, which was fun. (no latkes yet, but pan-fried fish. I think we are doing latkes tomarrow? we're having a small dinner with another couple who are friends of mine and DP gets alone with.) And then going to a young adult shul members party on monday.
After spending the day reading in bed (with cheese sandwhiches, the luxury to have cheese and bread at the same time!! lol (we don't buy cheese or bread that often), I went to work filled with dread. It needn't have been. If work was like that every day, I would be fine there. (Of course, I did give notice friday night. Which was not how I wanted to give notice, I would have prefered it to not be in the heat of the moment, not with me crying, and not sort of quietly but totally in front of customers. But we were swamped with channukah customers, there were 10 people on line, and my boss had said I could definitely be out by 2, and it was 3:15, and getting dangerously close to shabbat, and I was incredibly overwhlemed. Still, giving notice in tears is better than in anger I guess. Anyways, I gave notice yesterday, but said I'd work through the holidays if they need, didn't want to leave them in a bind) anyways, he asked me if I was good with today being my last day. I was a bit surprised, but totally fine with that. And then, this is the part I'm super thrilled about.
And then, I went and told the people I care about/have sort of made friends with there, that I was leaving and goodbye and I'd probably be around to see them again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is huge for me. My entire life, I have slinked off from places, without saying goodbye to the few friends I have (admitedly there have been times and places wehre I haven't done this, but I've done it alot in my life), mostly because I didn't have any close friends, and didn't want to explain why I was going. Or I was going because I was depressed and just never came back after stopping being able to make myself go. So the fact that I went to 4 people and said "This is my last day. I wanted to say goodbye", I'm so proud of myself for. I slinked off and never again saw friends from middle school when I transfered. I sneaked away from flute lessons and never saw my beloved flute teacher again. Same with singing. Same with ballet (though my teachers were not beloved, nor many of the students in my classes). There was not really anyone to say goodbye to when I graduated high school. A few teachers I guess. In college, I didn't tell anyone I was going except the people who say me moving out mid-term. "I'm leaving". So I'm super proud to be working on breaking that pattern.
anyways, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, but I know that might not last. I'm going to take advantage of my new free time (in addition to looking for a stop-gap job and preping to work as a postpartum doula after I do the training in january) to take a class in krav maga which I have wanted to for months. I'm going to start taking cod liver oil for the vitamin d and the omegas (even though I don't totally like the lack of certainty about its sustainability), and I'm going to make an appointment with my shrink who I haven't seen since I started this job with its flexible schedule. (who I actually like most of the time, but since I started seeing her as a teenager, the term "shrink" stuck lol. It's said with affection) I'll look into the 5-htp, I've heard about it before once or twice but don't know hardly anything about it.
Again, thank you ladies for your love.
Happy channukah. (I'll have to get a copy of that cookbook! lol writing it down...