What would your reply be?...

[ann_of_loxley]

To someone who says: Birth plans never go to plan.

Well...I guess it depends on what you plan is. Despite the fact that my birthplan is well planned and well thought out - including a lot of likely and unlikely situations - nothing is down to the 'T'. It can't be. My 'plan' is more about what I feel is right and how my wishes for 'peaceful' and 'natural' can still be met in 'tits up' situations. There really isn't any way it can't go to plan - because I even have a 'plan' for the unlikely situations.

Its more than just the comment though. Its abour reading between the lines. That kinda comment says more than whats compeltely flippin obvious.

I also feel its a very unsupportive comment and its starting to rub me the wrong way.

(that comment was also followed by 'Like how I wanted a water birth but didnt get one'... Yeah, you had a two hour labour - your child was almost born in the car on the way to the maternity unit!...Hows that the end of the world? You had a natural vaginal birth either way...what would have been so much better about it had you had the time to get in a birthing pool? We are talking about a VAGINAL birth after a section here. We are talking about what I feel a baby has a RIGHT to. We are talking about a non-violent birth and a peaceful entrance into the world. Not weather or not we have time to set up the birthing pool or if I wore the right slippers or if the baby is born in the living room, bathroom or bedroom!)

I mean - obviously I don't know how long my labour will be, how it will start, when my waters plan to break ,if they will do so at all, what time baby will be born, what complications could arise, etc... But I am a pretty practical and logical person. I also like to consider myself an educated person with strong beliefs. I may not know everything but I think I know more than the average person because my strong beliefs have led me to that (such as the strong belief that my baby has the right to be born naturally and peacefully in an unviolent way). It didn't work out that way with my son. I didn't know as much then. I didn't have as strong beliefs and I didn't trust the right people - including myself. Looking back, I know there are very few changes that could have altered the outcome. Why should that hang over this baby (and my body!) though?

And I am a pretty darn positive person. Why are people so negative? Its starting to grate on me. I need help staying positive - these type of comments are not helpful.

So how do I reply to such comments? lol.... I mean, I know what I want to say but I need to be tactful and I need to keep it short and sweet and to the point lol. But of course, I also feel the need to be informative. Cause so many woman arn't. These are our babies and our bodies. We have rights. We deserve more!

[GoBecGo]

Honestly i wouldn't reply to that comment at all.

She obviously doesn't get how you feel about your birth, and maybe you don't get how she feels about hers. Maybe to her the 2-hour dream labour was hellish and terrifying? I had a 3 hour active labour with DD and i clearly remember holding her in shaking arms wondering when i'd be able to push. I was in shock for days afterwards. Yes i got a homebirth, yes i got a vaginal birth, yes it went great on paper, but i guess it just wasn't the experience i'd prepared for, and i still had to digest and integrate and let go of the birth i'd planned or rather planned for. Obviously i know now how wonderful it was, and how lucky i am compared to some, but i had to realise that myself, i had to actually get beyond my experience and look carefully at other people's experiences to realise that.

If that was her only birth there's NO way she's going to get the gulf between how HER birth differed from ideal and how yours did. No way. If you go on holiday and they give you the wrong hire car which your family and stuff barely fit into it's really annoying. But you don't appreciate that you're lucky compared to the person whose plane crashed en route, yk? It's just not in your head that things could have gone so badly wrong, because it's not in your realms of experience. Her experience is SO far from yours, i doubt there's anything tactful and polite that can breach the gulf between you.

It sucks. I'd just stay away from her, or away from the topic. Yo don't need her negativity. Also you don't know what her plan said. If it said "i will give birth in water" then there is a LOT of scope for that going "wrong". If it had said "i will give birth vaginally in babi's own sweet time" she'd have been "on plan" either way. In fact given that you might be able to say "maybe you're a poor planner?" with a cheeky smile...?

[JorgieGirl]

I'd just say 'luck favours the prepared'.

[Bluegoat]

I know a few doulas that don't use birth plans, because they feel people become too attached to them. I think this can be a problem, especially for first time parents.

I think this is why some prefer to use a "birth preferences" document. It's title more clearly indicates it's true function.

[loveneverfails]

I would say that if you have a plan, you may not get all of it, but if you don't even plan you won't have a shot in hell of having all of your wishes met because they will never have been formally expressed.

[Mosaic]

I think people who say that don't really understand what a birth plan IS and may ruffle a bit at the thought of a "plan" for something that is pretty unplanned. Birth preferences is definitely a better name for what it is and how it is meant to help your birth. So if people give you a hard time about it, you may just want to respond by explaining it's not a play-by-play of how you expect your birth to go but rather an outline of some things that are important to you and a reflection of the things that you have considered ahead of time.

[LiLStar]

my birth plan:
1. healthy mom and baby
2. vaginal birth
3. home birth

and yep, my birth went according to plan!!

[tessie]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

To someone who says: Birth plans never go to plan.

I'd agree with them. Very rarely does a plan go 100% as you'd like. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just that birth can be unpredictable and what you planned for might not be what you want or need when the time comes.

I agree that having birth preferences is the way to go. And ideally think about your preferences for different situations so if (for example) you plan a waterbirth and end up with a section you still have some control over the way things go.

[KristyDi]

Neither do battles, but generals still make them. It's not about makig things go perfectly to plan. It's about knowing the direction you want to go and being prepared.

[mwherbs]

the replies I may give could be in agreement = nature is a force of it's own
or I may want to smart off to someone and say something like
"resistance is futile" it will be done my way-
and sometimes I ask about their birth- what was your birth like and this may be what they really want to talk about- or something has induced fear in them... hard to say many women need to process birth stuff for years and years and there are times I can hear that/play a part and sometimes I am not just up for it-

[elanorh]

Mine has.

Both times.

I had a better plan the second time (I knew more) but both times things went down the way I wanted them to. With a hospital birth, no less. My plan was quite detailed with the second birth, too -- delayed cord clamping, baby to breast without any other stuff done prior to that (in other words, immediately, you can do your weight etc. afterwards). It probably helped that I had gone over my birth plan with our OB ahead of time.

I may have jinxed myself if I have another.

So my response would be "Mine have." But I agree with those who've said that battles don't go as plans, but generals make plans. Etc.

I think that a lot of the time, when people make those statements, they really believe that birth becomes a catastrophe of interventions where the medical staff runs the show. It may well have been their experience. But it doesn't have to be everyone's experience.

I think also there's the expectation that birth plans include things like "We'll play CD X when I am in transition, and light the purple candles then." As opposed to things like "We prefer a medication-free birth, please suggest alternate pain management strategies," or "Baby is to stay with mother or father at all times unless there is a medical emergency," or whatever.

[ann_of_loxley]

It's not about makig things go perfectly to plan. It's about knowing the direction you want to go and being prepared.

I really like that - I agree 100%. Its what my birth 'plan' is about! I will use this! Thanks!!!

[JennTheMomma]

I'd say mine did.