Not finding out gender before birth?

[MittensKittens]

I am curious to hear from people who didn't find out their baby's gender before birth, and how that affected bonding, your birth experience, and anything else . I have a girl and a boy, and on both occasions I knew in advance, though in both cases I also had the correct instinct before getting the ultrasound. For a next baby, I would like the gender to remain a surprise.

So, random questions . Did you guess the gender, and were you right? How did you feel right after the birth, when you found out the gender?

[GoBecGo]

We didn't find out with DD, not finding out this time either (mainly because we naver have a scan late enough to see properly and also because our hospital doesn't "do" gender prediction).

We didn't guess it was a girl with DD, but we couldn't think of any boys names at ALL. Not one. So i guess that made sense once she was born.

This one again we can't think of boys names, but this pregnany has been s different i think it might be a boy.

Right after birth i was on the fabulous endorphin high of natural vaginal birth (which i know not everyone gets but i did). I was at home and the active phase was so short i was really shocked i'd had the baby already. I was absolutely SURFING on endorphins and loved everyone in the room, i actually think i could have bonded to a puppy if they'd aid it was my baby! I ADORED her, i LOVED that se was here, in my arms, and that she was a little girl.

To be honest that experience is kind of why i'd never want to find out in the future unless i knew i was going to have a c-section or something, i cannot imaine after the highs, lows, efforts and endorphins of labour i would EVER feel disappointed in the gender, even after 7 girls. Because a scan of boy is just "a boy" but a live baby in your arms is so much more than their gender.

[MamaMelis]

I didn't find out the gender either time with my previous two babies. We did one of those expectnet pools amongst family and friends and I had guessed the gender correctly both times (the second time I actually won the pool, guessing the gender and day and birth time to within 1/2 hour, which still makes me laugh!)

Like you, I have a son and a daughter and am pg again. We will not be finding out the gender again. I love the surprise and loved the anticipation of 40 weeks of build up leading to the birth. Calling to tell family or friends that our baby was here, and what the sex of our baby was, was one of the highlights of my life. I loved it.

As far as bonding with the baby, I loved simply loving the wee one inside of me, free of any gender stereotypes or ideals. I loved knowing them as just my baby, just my child, long before I knew them as my "son" or my "daughter". AS to how I felt afterwards I was over the moon. I had always wanted a son first, as I was the oldest and a girl. I hoped that any daughters I had would have an older brother, so when this big healthy boy was born I was over the moon. When my daughter was born I could not believe it (even though I had felt girl throughout my pregnancy) ~ My DH's family is ALL boys, girls are almost unheard of. I lay there completely happy and thrilled and in love with my daughter.

For us, it was right. I have zero interest in knowing the gender of this baby before birth, as I truly believe that that moment right after all of the work of 40 long weeks of pregnancy and many hours of labor where (with my first, the DR, with my second, I) declared "It's A......" is one of the moments in my life that I will treasure forever.

Congrats on #3 and good luck with whatever you decide!!!

[Banana731]

I did find out with my first, and was dissapointed, I had wanted the opposite. There were some other things working against me for my first pregnancy (unplanned, never wanted kids, etc) so I'm not sure that experience is the best one to judge by. Anyway, I felt miserable about it until the very end of my pregnancy, when I finally started to be okay with the whole baby thing. And then I felt like a total A-HOLE for feeling that way, when she was born and I fell completely in love with her.

So the second time around, we did not find out, and I was totally happy to have my next daughter. I thought she would be a "she" and I had wanted a girl, (only for pragmatism's sake, we already had all those clothes!) really I would have been happy with a boy too (he just would have worn a lot of pink, at least around the house). My husband did kind of have a real preference, he wanted a son (big shock ) But of course, once he caught his little girl, he was smitten, so I think it was better for him that way too.

With future babies, we won't find out either. It's fun. You get to irritate the heck out of your friends and family, and it's an awesome surprise for you!

[sweeetpea]

Same here. I never found out gender during any of my pregnancies. When I was pg with my 3rd, it was difficult, because I already had a dd and ds, and we only have three bedrooms, so *someone* would eventually have to share.

Friends and family really wanted to know, so they could buy us things (I had already gotten rid of all the baby stuff after DS1), but they had to settle for gender neutral. So many people just don't get it. They think everyone has to know the gender before the baby is born - like it is a law or something. I like the anticipation. It also keeps me motivated in labor - to keep going and find out who this little person is.

I had a girl name, but no boy name. when DS2 emerged, and revealed he was indeed a boy, my very first words were - "Oh man, we need a boy name!" LOL!

[annekh23]

We've never found out, I was right with my guesses the first two times, but not the last, though even with the last we had only agreed on a name for what we actually had, we just didn't think we'd get to use it!

We had a slightly odd experience with the 2nd as she got covered up with a towel very quickly and everyone was referring to her as a he for 15mins or so before I decided to have a look and announced "he's a she".

My 3rd was a scheduled c-section and even though we had a scan a few days before we still chose not to find out, I think it helped me stay with it as I had something I needed to find out, though it did feel a bit like I was the last to know, though partially I think it was because I didn't really believe it!

[leavemealone]

I haven't found out with any of my pregnancies and I don't think it's ever affecting "bonding". I cannot understand how I could be pregnant, see and feeling movement, etc and not bond. I loved not knowing and couldn't imagine finding out ahead of the birth under most circumstances. I might be willing to under a few situations, but not many. I loved the reaction I had when my second child was born (three years ago today!) and we found out it was a boy. We were both shocked and very happy. I loved announcing it at my third birth that it was another boy. We are not finding out with our fourth child either.

[Channelle]

I found out for this one (my first) because I knew that I really wanted a girl and I'd need time to work out disappointment if I found out it was a boy. I would have been happy with a boy, and will love one later, but glad this one is a girl.

With the next one, we will probably find out before hand too, just because we have so much girl stuff, I want the chance to go crazy with boy stuff if I found out it was a boy.

If I had a boy next, (so had one of each) for my third I probably would wait to find out, and let that one be a surprise. (Since I would have boy and girl things already, it would be fun to have one surprise)

[Super~Single~Mama]

I didn't find out Lincoln's gender until after he was born. It was AMAZING to find out that moment!

He was born, I help him for a few minutes, just looking at him, completely in awe of the fact that I had a BABY and how great he was etc. Then after a few minutes of just loving him and taking everything in, my midwife very gently reminded me that I had to look and see what the gender was! I had COMPLETELY forgotten! I laughed and cried and the same time and was SO HAPPY.

My BF wasn't so happy that we didn't find out the gender, and we both thought it was a boy (he was super active and strong in utero, and he felt like he was big). I was just so happy when he was born, it really wouldn't have made a difference if he was a girl. I didn't like our girl name as much as our boy name though - so I'm happy we got to use our boy name!

[gcgirl]

We didn't find out with our first baby, who we lost around 20 weeks, and it did not affect our mourning. We didn't find out with DS either, and although I didn't feel "bonded" with him in the womb, we bonded immediately upon his birth. We're not finding out with this one either, and I feel the same way as I did with DS. I feel maternal about the baby living in my body, but his/her fullness won't come into being for me until the birth. Which IMO, is very magical for me. I don't think I'd want to imagine what the baby would look/be like and get it wrong, and that would be too easy for me to do if I knew the gender in advance.

[rlmueller]

Not finding

I found out with my first son, but I knew anyway. I am not finding out with this one. The whole dynamic of second preg is different anyway, but I don't think my bonding is affected however, my husband's bonding is affected.

[LovnMyBoys]

I found out with my fist and was excited and enjoyed preparing for our son.
I did not find out with my second and did not really have a strong feeling on gender either. I really feel the best experience was carrying and giving birth to my child as my child only. At birth we requested the midwives not announce the gender and my husband and I were able to meet our baby without gender ideals and then look together a few minutes later to find that we had our second little boy which was amazing.

[laughingfox]

I didn't find out beforehand, and when my daughter was born, I held her for probably at least a half hour before I even thought to look, and the only reason I thought to look was because someone mentioned names.

I don't think it affects anything at all for me.

I know a lot of people who say they find out so they can use their baby's proposed name, or say "he" or "she" to avoid calling their baby "it". We just use fetal nicknames. This one's Rocky, my daughter was Pepe. Instead of saying "it's moving!" I say "Rocky's moving!"

We dressed DD in fairly gender neutral clothes until she was old enough to show a preference and help pick her own clothes, and we'll probably be doing that again with this one.

Yeah, some people get mad at you for not finding out, and that's annoying. What I love, though, is responding to strangers' questions with "What do you think I'm having?" It's a fun conversation starter.
Everyone was right about DD being a girl, btw. I thought she was, too.
This time most people have said they think I'm having a girl, but I've kind of been feeling "boy". Hmm..

[elanorh]

We didn't find out with either of our kids (two girls).

It was fun. Like the build-up to Christmas. Wondering what's in the package, KWIM? Dh and I would, with both babies, wonder and guess. We flip-flopped quite a bit especially with dd1 - if dh thought she was a boy, I was sure she was a girl. When I went into labor and had her, I was so surprised, she had felt very 'boy' to me those last few days. It didn't affect bonding at all - we were so happy to have her, gender didn't matter. How many surprises in our lives will we have, where no matter what we get it's perfect?

Same with dd2, again fun to guess and see what others guessed. There are some craaaazy theories out there about how to tell whether you're having a boy or girl! We both especially enjoyed our OB - I think he intentionally would try to skew one way or the other at each appointment, just to mess with us. So we'd leave an appointment and say, "Oooh, do you think he messed up when he said X?!"

I know that not knowing whether we were having a boy or girl had NO effect on the birthing process for me/us. We both bonded immediately with both babies.

The only reason I can think of that I would want to know whether I was having a boy or girl, were I to become pregnant again, would be if dh were pro-circ. In that case, I would want to know whether we were having a boy or girl ahead of time, so that I could really work hard on bringing dh on board with being anti-circ. Fortunately, dh is anti-circ, so it's not an issue in our house.

If we do have another, I'd like a boy - there are no uncirc'd men on either side of our families, and I'd like to introduce that concept (that's the only reason really).... but I don't want a boy enough that I'd be disappointed if we had a girl.

[callieollie]

We didn't find out with either and I loved it that way. It IS like the buildup to Christmas, waiting to see what's in the package. Bonding wasn't affected at all. I felt bonded to my babies while they were in the womb and bonded as soon as I met them. With my first, EVERYONE thought he was a boy (they were right!). I had no feelings about it at all. With my second, I was convinced that it was a boy, but I was wrong. I literally would tell people, "I just KNOW it's a boy." I was so surprised when she was born and that was part of the fun too. We videotaped her birth and the midwife sort of let her sex slip a bit by saying something like, "wrap her in a towel" and after a minute or two, I was like, "her? It's a girl?" And then I checked and literally repeated for the next 5 minutes, "I can't believe you're a girl. You're a girl? (and checking again). I can't believe you're a girl." It was wonderful.

[tallulahma]

we found out for the first because my dh was being deployed and wouldnt be at the birth and we wanted to find out the gender together- as a way of bonding. I had already felt it was a girl and was right!

with dd2 we didnt find out and EVERYONE and their mother thought it was a boy. I went along with that until about 38 weeks in and I started buying all girls clothes and refering to my belly as a girl- and she was!

it did not affect the bonding in any way to wait. not for us.

now we are 39 weeks along with #3 and I HAVE NO IDEA what I think this baby is!!!!

[wbg]

We did not find out with the first 3. But we did with the 4th.
With the first 3 we did not have any guesses. But interestingly enough, we only had a certain name for the gender it turned out to be. For example, with my son we knew if it was going to be a boy he would be called X, but if he was a girl we were still deciding between X, Y and Z. Same for the next 2. Almost as if they picked their names!

With my 4th we found out because my daughter so desperately wanted a sister, and so we thought she might need some time to get used to the idea of a brother! Turns out she did indeed get the sister of her dreams. For me, I never really trusted the ultrasound, so I still felt a little surprised that she was actually a girl when she arrived!

The main difference for me was that once we found out what we were having, I seemed to experience a little more anxiety about things going wrong in the pregnancy! Maybe it just seemed more real?? Not sure.

Next time around....if there is a next time....I think we will probably go back to being surprised! I think.....

[Belle]

I found out ahead of time with Dd1 and we waited until the birth with Dd2. I don't think finding out ahead of time really made a difference with bonding. That said, I bonded instantly with Dd1 and I had some more trouble bonding with Dd2.

But there were other factors involved. I think it may have been that I had a traumatic m/c before I got pregnant with Dd2 and had trouble connecting to Dd2 when I was pregnant with her. I spent my whole pregnancy trying not to get attached because I was so afraid of another loss. So when she was born I had a hard time connecting to her.

[limette]

Before I had kids I only wanted boys. No girls for me. I was convinced through the first pregnancy that I was having a boy.

Unfortunately I ended up with a c-section and the docs failed to tell me whether I'd have a boy or a girl. I had to ask and when they told me I had a girl I just laughed. I was on a huge high for months after the birth, I called them the baby pinks. No trouble bonding at all, I was totally in love with her from the start.

I had no idea what I was having with number two but now absolutely wanted no boys only girls! Near the end I was convinced it was a girl and I was right.

This time I really want to know. I really want my Sophie but sometimes think about having a boy. Dh wants all girls. Obviously it's not a choice we get to make.

As much as I want to know in advance, dh absolutely does not want to know and I can't keep a secret like that so I won't be finding out in future pregnancies.

[elmh23]

We didn't find out with our first two and have with this baby. I bonded perfectly fine with all three in the same way, the only difference is I can call this baby he instead of saying he or she.

With all three pregnancies I've been wrong on the gender. I was certain dd was a boy and that ds was a girl. This one I was a little more unsure about, but I still felt girl deep down. That might have been wishfull thinking though since dd really wanted a sister.

It's actually really weird for me to know this far in advance (we found out at 20wks.) Being able to shop sales for actual clothing, not just the 0-3 gender neutral style has been very nice!