Nursing and temper tantrums

[spicy tomato]

My 2 year old just started having a super fit when he does not get to do something. He has a typical kicking and screaming tantrum that I do my best to ignore and remove the stimulus and/or put him in a time out until he calms down. The problem is he starts begging for "milk" with the same kicking and screaming. I have always held a firm "no" to milk when he is screaming at me for it. I ask him to calm down and say "please milk". With this temper tantrum business it is a whole different thing. Twice now I have refused milk because it feel like rewarding his behavior and twice he has worked himself up to being physically sick. This morning he heaved a "please Momma milk" during his tantrum and I gave in. I felt like such a sucker(ooo bad pun), but after nursing he stood up and said "all better now" and I was able to finish getting him dressed (the activity that started the tantrum in the first place). Now I am torn. I am not sure if I rewarded his tantrum or if I helped him calm down. I do not want to reward such bad behavior (which he only displays with me..not his Daddy or his 3 hr/3day week daycare provider). Has anyone else dealt with this behavior and nursing a two-year-old?

[Teenytoona]

It's my opinion that nursing after or to stem a tantrum is not as much reward as it is a calming technique. My DD is 20 months and very fiery in temperament. Not every tantrum can be soothed with nursing, but most can. FWIW, my DD does not throw the same kinds of fits with DCP or with DH. Well, she does when DH and I are together, but with just DH, she usually does not tantrum. But many other mommas here have suggested that our DC do this with us because they feel it's the safest place to let out their frustrations.

SO I nurse her to help her through it. I won't nurse her if she hits me while she asks for it, I tell her to calm down and ask politely and use please, and that's been working, so I'm happy about that.

[transylvania_mom]

why no??

I felt so lucky I was still breastfeeding when ds went through the "terrible twos". Ds had almost no temper tantrums thanks to breastfeeding; it calmed him down instantly.

You might also post in GD forum, maybe you would like to find an alternative to time outs.

[*MamaJen*]

Yeah, I tend to look at nursing at the best way to calm an upset toddler. I wouldn't give my 22 month old a cookie, for example, to distract him from a temper tantrum. But I would nurse him. It's different than a reward for bad behavior, it's more like a source of calmness. It centers him to nurse.
I think the big thing about being a toddler is they're not yet in control of their emotions. That's one of the reasons why they're more prone to throwing tantrums than the bigger kids. And nursing is a way that they can control their emotions.
And it may be a little lazy on my part, but I can do scolding/pleading/being stern/timeout/whatever and the tantrum lasts a long time, or I can nurse him and it's all back to sunshine and flowers within two minutes. Hell yeah.
But seriously, I don't think it spoils a toddler or rewards bad behavior to nurse during a tantrum. I think it fits with what's developmentally appropriate for them.

[philosoikou]

Don't think of it as a "reward" to meet your child's needs. A young child like this truly NEEDS help calming down from a tantrum like that. Nursing is a fantastic way to help him do that. The physical contact gets the oxytocin flowing for both of you, and helps to re-organize him.

A book you might like a lot is The Science of Parenting. It discusses in great detail how the developing brain of a young child works, and how important it is for us to collect them in our arms (and/or at our breasts) and soothe them when they melt down this way. Their ability to reason gets "hijacked," as the author explains, by the primitive part of the brain. Their bodies flood with adrenaline and they are in fight-or-flight mode. Every time we respond lovingly and help them calm down (physical contact/nursing is ideal), we are helping to teach their brains how to deal with stress. The author makes a very compelling argument for what an enormous difference we can make in how they will be able to cope with life's ups and downs as adults.

Anyway, I guess I went off on a little tangent there. Go ahead and nurse your boy. Be glad you have that tool, and that it helps! One of the best reasons to nurse through the toddler years, IMO! Don't be afraid to soothe him, to show him love and affection, even when he is raging. He isn't trying to manipulate you. He's just too little to know how to manage these big, frightening emotions.

[peacefulT]

Originally Posted by philosoikou

A book you might like a lot is The Science of Parenting. It discusses in great detail how the developing brain of a young child works, and how important it is for us to collect them in our arms (and/or at our breasts) and soothe them when they melt down this way. Their ability to reason gets "hijacked," as the author explains, by the primitive part of the brain. Their bodies flood with adrenaline and they are in fight-or-flight mode. Every time we respond lovingly and help them calm down (physical contact/nursing is ideal), we are helping to teach their brains how to deal with stress. The author makes a very compelling argument for what an enormous difference we can make in how they will be able to cope with life's ups and downs as adults.

.

I LOVE THIS !!! I was just lurking in this section as my dd will be one next week. I now must go buy this book .. THANK YOU !

[Shanny2032]

What if you offered to nurse before he got that upset and/or before he asks for it? I understand the instinct to nurse and also the feeling that you are rewarding the tantrum. But maybe if you offered it was stop the tantrum and distract him enough that it never gets to that point. Just a thought.

[spicy tomato]

thanks

thanks for all of the great thoughts
very supportive

[nia82]

A little OT, but maybe you can help:

My DS's tantrums don't settle after nursing... And I don't know what to do!!! Apparently it doesn't calm him down... And after I nurse him, within 5 minutes the tantrum is back and he spent this morning for nearly 4 hours straight nursing.
He got the tantrum because he refused all food today and of course was hungry. He also was tired. But... Nothing I offered he wanted. He had 3 different choices and everything landed on the floor smashed... Do you guys have any advice on that?

[Shanny2032]

nia82 - I found a great artice here on Mothering website about toddler tantrums, why they have them and why they NEED to have them. Do a search "toddler tantrums" and hopefully you can find it. Basically, it was saying that they NEED to get these things out and maybe if you are nipping her in the bud too soo she isn't releasing what she needs to and therefore being set off again quickly. I used the method she talks about in the article for the little girl I Nanny for since obviously nursing her was not an option. HTH, good luck

[MiaMama]

When my husband was deployed, I got through my day any way I could. DD was 11 months when he left and 26 months when he got back. Often, at the first sign of tantrum or upset, we nursed. When she calmed down, I would talk to her about whatever issue had bothered her. It was the easiest thing in my parenting toolbox. Towards the end of the deployment, I started staying with family a lot, both mine and my in-laws.

I got a lot of "you give her whatever she wants when she cries." I DIDNT. If she wanted to run in the street, I stopped yher, and she would cry. I would pick her up and comfort or nurse her, but still NOT let her run in the street, which is what she wanted. I wanted to teach her that sometimes we can't do what we want, and that is frustrating. But that her mother would always be there to help her through that frustration.

But the comments still got to me. My parenting changed over the months. More often, I would leave her on the floor crying. As a result, she cried more, I was more stressed, I yelled more. I feel like I ignored my momma instincts to follow the advice of those around me, and our relationship suffered. I wish to this day I had been bold/strong enough to stand up for what I believe to be right, based on no one's advice except my internal, instinctual momma.

I know that I always feel much Much MUCH worse after I cry. It does not help me to "get stuff out of my system." Talking to my husband, and getting a fresh perspective, or even just hearing his jokes and feeling distracted helps me much more. I think distraction/comfort/sympathy is better for me, and better for my daughter. Crying never resolves my bad feelings, but reconnecting with the people I love DOES resolve them.

Like "I am so lucky to have this love in my life, that maybe that thing I thought was a big deal really isn't, and I can let it go." I don't ignore the issue, we just revisit it when we are feeling calmer.

[lisavark]

I think everyone has pretty much said it, but I just had to chime in and agree. Nursing isn't rewarding a tantrum; it's teaching a toddler how to deal with strong emotions. I mean, what do you as an adult do when your emotions are out of control and you want to just break down and cry? Do you punish yourself? Lock yourself in a room? Of course not! (Well, maybe the locking yourself in a room part... ) But if possible, you do something that will make you feel better--like have a bubble bath, or drink some tea, or lie down with a good book, or watch tv, or whatever it is that helps you. That's what nursing is for toddlers. It's a healthy, positive way they can make themselves feel better so they're more able to handle overwhelming emotions.

[claddaghmom]

I'll step in to say the same....nurse! I wonder if nursing before it gets started will help and make it seem less like you are giving in?

Dr Momma has a post on this BTW:

http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/tackl...ith-brain.html

[lisavark]

Originally Posted by nia82

A little OT, but maybe you can help:

My DS's tantrums don't settle after nursing... And I don't know what to do!!! Apparently it doesn't calm him down... And after I nurse him, within 5 minutes the tantrum is back and he spent this morning for nearly 4 hours straight nursing.
He got the tantrum because he refused all food today and of course was hungry. He also was tired. But... Nothing I offered he wanted. He had 3 different choices and everything landed on the floor smashed... Do you guys have any advice on that?

And in response to this post, nia, my daughter also can't stop tantruming when she's hungry and tired. Whenever she starts getting even a little bit fussy or irritable, I immediately give her food. I keep offering different things until I find something she'll eat (even if it's just cheerios, or heck, even if it's just a cookie). Once her blood sugar starts to go back up, she gets less irritable, and then she's more willing to eat healthier foods. But your son might just be going through a growth spurt or one of those lovely developmental milestones, too. My DD still has days when she wants to nurse all day long. Is he too big to put in a good carrier, like an Ergo? I still keep mine with me pretty much all the time in case of days like that!

How often do you offer food? My daughter needs to eat at LEAST every two hours, sometimes more often. My goal is to have healthy snacks just out where she can reach them all the time so she can nibble whenever she wants. That way eating is her idea and she's less likely to refuse. I also really push protein, because it lasts longer--I try to give her a lot of protein at least three times a day, at regular mealtimes.

Don't know if any of that helps...