DDs attitude...

[MPsSweetie]

I am soooo down right now. My dd doesn't want to try ANYTHING AT ALL. I knew she was like this during our 30-45 minutes of homeschool we do a few times a week, but yesterday at her last homeschool co-op ballet class it really came out. And it embarrassed me beyond belief! Tomorrow is the Extravaganza where everyone shows their parents what they've learned and she made all the other dancers look bad, with her dirty looks, her complete lack of interest in any of it, her not even trying!! This is week ten and they are doing a very simple dance, she LOVES ballet, but refuses to listen to or learn ANYTHING anyone teaches her. She pouted the ENTIRE time.
Now, we get up to do a little schoolwork this morning, all we do right now is Cheerful Cursive and Singapore math, not a whole lot! And she sits there and pouts like I am doing something awful to her. I feel like I am trying to make things fun and interesting and she seriously acts like its torture. If I try to show her how to do something the right way she looks at me like I am dumb!! Raises her voice to tell me how she did it, like she has it right and I am wrong. And I correct her very nicely, I am not evil or anything.
Ugh, I am soooooo... exhausted by her. I put all of myself into being a good mama for my kids.... If she has this bad of an attitude now, what am I in for in a few years?
*sob*

[AAK]

My dd's attitude has gone south lately too. Not as bad as what you mentioned (mine is still happy at classes, etc--it is just with ME that we have the grumps). I am trying to ignore it now. I don't know if it will help or not. I also reminded her that SHE WANTED to homeschool and that I was willing to put her back in public school. I also have reminded her of her requirements (to participate in learning, to be ready to learn by 9:30, etc). The 9:30 requirement is needed here because that is when 1 on 1 time can happen with her. I am ok with her pushing self directed stuff around on the schedule, but if I am needed, then she needs to be ready. Now that she has been reminded, I am ignoring it for a couple weeks and hope it improves. I will not allow myself to be treated poorly, so I will leave the lesson if that is the case.

She does not want to go back to school, but if she doesn't improve. . . it is an option for us. I don't want to sound harsh, but you don't need to put up with this and neither do the other people in her life. Is ps an option for you? Maybe if it was and your dd knew that you were seriously considering making a change, she might be motivated to keep her attitude in check.

Amy

[MPsSweetie]

In some ways I really don't want to deal with PS either, I'm afraid she'll have tons of homework and still be the same way for that, on top of all the other PS drama. But if I can't figure out how to help her be.... nicer, I guess, I will have to consider it.
*sigh*

[Ravin]

I actually found that when I started being stricter, requiring more, and sending her to time-out and/or grounding her from TV in a consistent fashion, my DD's behavior improved.

She had been throwing awful tantrums, giving me attitude, refusing to do work, etc. Now, she KNOWS that if she doesn't get it done, she won't get to play out front or watch TV. She KNOWS that if she hits me, says something hateful, or won't calm down when she's throwing a fit, she has to go to time-out in her room, and that I will add time for each additional infraction (usu. 1 more minute per hit, scream, name-call, etc.), and that if she doesn't get to her room by the count of 5, she'll lose an hour of TV and I'll start the count again.

I just started pointing out that if she doesn't get her work done in a timely fashion, she won't get to play out front (she can play out back any time; she can't play out front when I'm sleeping; I work nights so I'm often sleeping in the afternoon) at all.

In short, consequences, follow-through, not losing it myself, and consistently not taking attitude from her have worked wonders in curbing the bad attitude.

[MPsSweetie]

Originally Posted by Ravin

I actually found that when I started being stricter, requiring more, and sending her to time-out and/or grounding her from TV in a consistent fashion, my DD's behavior improved.

I was *just* saying this to my DH. I think they harder I am on her, the better she acts. So I think from now on out we are going to do more schoolwork, at a set time, and she is also going to be getting some more serious chores, and helping out around here more.

[craft_media_hero]

Your girl is seven, right? I don't think you are alone in this; I really think it's like their first puberty around this age. Perhaps the suggestion to hold her more accountable will help, but maybe she needs some time off?

I would be very frank with her about her behavior at dance. Attitude at home with mom is one thing, but disrespecting her classmates, teachers, and audience . . . ? No. My dd knows she will lose the privilege of her karate class if she is disrespectful and acts like she doesn't want to be there.

To look at it from an outside perspective, her last class had a boy maybe 2 yrs older than her who would mock the teacher, make his body go limp, dance around making faces, and PLAY SPITTY SLURPY WITH HIS SNOT LOOGIES during belt testing! I was mortified on behalf of his parents---but they let him act this way through the class and allowed him to receive his next belt, laughing it off! I would literally physically pull my kid off of the practice mat in a heartbeat if she was pulling something like that . . . and she knows it.

For me it is important that my kid understand these activities are a privilege, not a right. And if she doesn't want to be there, fine. Don't make the teacher and other kids suffer.

If her attitude at class recurs, try, "you didn't seem to be enjoying your ballet class. I think that you deserve a break from it for a while." If she protests, just casually note with her that the eye-rolling and such tells you that she doesn't want to be there, and let's see if a break will help you feel better about it next session. Maybe she's burnt on it for now and really is looking for a way out?

I'm not saying that your dd is as disruptive as the spitty slurpy boy. My point is that this kid took it for granted that he would be allowed to come to class. If you are very clear about what is expected in order for her to keep going, then she may realize how lucky she is to be there.

Good luck sometimes I feel like I'm living with a tude-ridden teenager, too. I find dealing with it right that moment and being very blunt with her when necessary helps. IMO your dd is totally capable of understanding why you're frustrated---like pps said, call her on it.

[MPsSweetie]

We've talked about it a few times since then, and I can see that she is trying. The Extravaganza was great last night, and she practiced most of the day by herself. We will be having more talks about this before next semester, I'm sure.
Thanks for helping me out guys!

[MPsSweetie]

Sorry, yes she is 7.

[Nemesis]

My DD is 7 and is very similar. Having an incredibly regular routine helps a lot- similar to being hard on her!

I think part of it is that she knows what to expect and it just becomes regular, instead of something to fight about. She loves doing new things, but not new things that aren't her idea! So being really regular and doing our small amounts of sitdown work right away in the morning helps a lot.

I did have a lot of fun setting up a small scale workbox type setup with her. We have just a file folder box and I did a number grid on the front. She helped me make up the schedule, make the numbers and box, and pick the order of things. She is much less fussy about it, as long as I make sure that there are a few fun things in there, too.

[MPsSweetie]

Yeah, I am starting a workboxy type of planning for us, but using a hanging organizer instead of boxes.
She now knows to get her schoolwork out right after breakfast without me having to nag her, and I think just having control of it herself has already helped. She gets it out, gets to work and gets a LOT done... Wow.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by MPsSweetie

Yeah, I am starting a workboxy type of planning for us, but using a hanging organizer instead of boxes.
She now knows to get her schoolwork out right after breakfast without me having to nag her, and I think just having control of it herself has already helped. She gets it out, gets to work and gets a LOT done... Wow.

Yay!!! Hopefully the attitude thing was just a little blip and the structure is exactly what she needed!

[MPsSweetie]

I hope so!!

[Ruthiegirl]

We are going through this in our house too. My dd has always been a mellow, 'go-with-the-flow' kind of kid, but ds is a whole different critter and needs a lot of structure. Some kids just do better with a regular schedule and clear expectations.



What has been working for us:

Using a lot of 'big kid' words. Responsibility. Honesty. Consideration. Etc...

"Please be responsible for your body and get dressed."

"Thank you for being honest about the broken toy."

"You were very considerate of your brother's quiet nap time."



Being very, very clear about behavior -- we have two basic house rules. Be safe. Be kind. It all breaks down to those two rules for us. So, when ds's behavior goes south, we readdress the rules -- Was your behavior kind? Was your behavior safe? How can he fix the situation? How can he be responsible for his own actions?


Giving him a lot more responsibility and a larger role in decision making. Yes, he can walk 1 1/2 blocks to the YMCA for soccer practice. Yes, he can leave the yard and take the trash out by himself. Yes, he can choose his own bedroom paint color. This has helped a lot.


And I have gotten much clearer about my expectations. I expect my son to behave himself when we go grocery shopping. If he cannot behave himself in the store, then I will have to go without him and he will not have a say in our meal planning. The kid loves to eat, he loves good meals, so he shaped up quickly so that he could come with me and have some input into what we eat.

And I have gotten a lot more honest about the price of lessons. They are they are wonderful, they can be a fantastic opportunity, but they cost money that has to be budgeted. I will work my tail off to make sure that he gets to lessons on time and has the equipment he needs for soccer, lacrosse, piano, karate, whatever it is that he is interested in, but only if he is really enjoying the lessons. The minimum I expect is his participation.

This got long -- I am enjoying writing this out. We had such a long, difficult spell where my son's behavior was really, really awful. He still has rough days, but he has come such a long ways and is a joy to be around most days.

[Ruthiegirl]

Originally Posted by MPsSweetie

We've talked about it a few times since then, and I can see that she is trying. The Extravaganza was great last night, and she practiced most of the day by herself. We will be having more talks about this before next semester, I'm sure.
Thanks for helping me out guys!

That's terrific! Way to go.

[MPsSweetie]

Originally Posted by Ruthiegirl

We are going through this in our house too. My dd has always been a mellow, 'go-with-the-flow' kind of kid, but ds is a whole different critter and needs a lot of structure. Some kids just do better with a regular schedule and clear expectations.



What has been working for us:

Using a lot of 'big kid' words. Responsibility. Honesty. Consideration. Etc...

"Please be responsible for your body and get dressed."

"Thank you for being honest about the broken toy."

"You were very considerate of your brother's quiet nap time."



Being very, very clear about behavior -- we have two basic house rules. Be safe. Be kind. It all breaks down to those two rules for us. So, when ds's behavior goes south, we readdress the rules -- Was your behavior kind? Was your behavior safe? How can he fix the situation? How can he be responsible for his own actions?


Giving him a lot more responsibility and a larger role in decision making. Yes, he can walk 1 1/2 blocks to the YMCA for soccer practice. Yes, he can leave the yard and take the trash out by himself. Yes, he can choose his own bedroom paint color. This has helped a lot.


And I have gotten much clearer about my expectations. I expect my son to behave himself when we go grocery shopping. If he cannot behave himself in the store, then I will have to go without him and he will not have a say in our meal planning. The kid loves to eat, he loves good meals, so he shaped up quickly so that he could come with me and have some input into what we eat.

And I have gotten a lot more honest about the price of lessons. They are they are wonderful, they can be a fantastic opportunity, but they cost money that has to be budgeted. I will work my tail off to make sure that he gets to lessons on time and has the equipment he needs for soccer, lacrosse, piano, karate, whatever it is that he is interested in, but only if he is really enjoying the lessons. The minimum I expect is his participation.

This got long -- I am enjoying writing this out. We had such a long, difficult spell where my son's behavior was really, really awful. He still has rough days, but he has come such a long ways and is a joy to be around most days.

Thank you for sharing this, its nice to know we aren't the only ones who've had hard time! But we can get through this! I believe in my DD, I just have to find what works for her. We had a rougher day today, but its almost bedtime, phew, lol. Tomorrows a new day.

Thanks again guys!

[Mama~Love]

My DD is the same way. She was doing good for awhile, but now we're in a slump again. Thanks for all the ideas everyone shared; I plan on using them!

[luvmytwo]

Me too! We are in a slump now and I jumped on here to see if my kids are totally abnormal, but their not! It is nice to know I am not alone in this. My dd is 10 and, boy oh boy, is she testing my patience. AH!

Karen