Is finding out the gender at a scan harder to deal with that at the birth?

[GoBecGo]

I never found out DD was a girl during pregnancy. After i'd given birth to her i was so flooded with relief (that labour was over) truimph (that i'd "done it") and love for her that i don't think i'd have cared either way. So i'm wondering if finding out the gender at a scan actually makesit harder to deal with if it turns out to be not what you wanted, because you don't have the actual baby to love on and care for and get to know, just the bare facts from the scan...?

[Mama Lo]

We found out during u/s we were having a girl. I was sure before that that we were having a boy, boys run in dh family. When the tech told us it was a girl we both were shocked, happy, excited, we both cried tears of joy. Later though I did feel a little sad that I wasn't having the little boy that I had been planning for.
I think that no matter what we were having we would have been ecstatic to know that we were shortly going to have a son/daughter but at the same time sad that we weren't having the other. Hope that makes some sense

[Spark]

I have 4 kiddos and I LOVE to not find out until birth. Finding out after I pushed out my baby, there was never an ounce of sadness. But, while pregnant, it was like I had to mourn that opposite sex child that I was not going to have... no matter how much I wanted the one we were getting!

[Belle]

We found out our first baby's gender at her 20 week u/s. I was very pleased.

For our second baby we were kind of leaning towards perfering a boy. We waited until the birth to find out we were having another girl. We weren't disappointed.

[wbg]

I did not find out with my first 3. With my 4th, I did find out because my DD really wanted a sister. Both DH and I both really wanted a 4th child! Could not have cared less if it was a boy or a girl. My boys even said that it was only fair DD got a sister and that they were convinced it was a girl. I actually then became convinced it was a boy and tried to tell them that. After a while we just decided that for my DD, she would benefit from having time to get used to the idea of another brother so we found out for her. Turns out, the boys were right...it really was a boy girl boy girl pattern so DD got the sister she had always wanted. I think if she had found out at the birth and it was a boy, she would have been so excited that she would not have cared, but thats now when I am not preggo and semi rational! When I was preggo and super-hormonal, I though she would be traumatised!!!
Something I found interesting was that a, I did not believe it was a girl in spite of them telling me. I really did not believe it and only when I held her and looked down did I whisper, wow, you really are a girl and b, once I found out it was a girl I seemed much more anxious through the pregnancy about her. As if somehow referring to the baby was more abstract, but calling the baby her was just this huge responsibility!
If (when!) we have another, I think we will keep it a surprise again.

[NSmomtobe]

I have convinced myself that I am having a boy so I will not be disappointed at birth if it is, in fact, a boy because that is what I am expecting and preparing for.

[lifeguard]

I did feel some disappointment & it was part of the reason I found out ahead of time. I knew full well I would love any child I had unconditionally but I watched a close friend go through the disappointment after her son's birth & it did slow down their bonding.

[Litcrit]

Disappointed by scan twice in one pregnancy

Let me explain: I wanted a girl first for some reason. Was told at an unreasonably early scan (12 weeks) it was a boy. Slightly disappointed.

Bonded with the boy. Had a name and clothes and everything.

Told at a scan (8 months) that it was a girl.

Devastated. Felt like I'd lost the baby boy.

Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't find out this time around.

[Megan73]

My first baby – a girl, although we didn't know that in advance –*was stillborn at full term.
When I was pregnant with my son, I told myself that I didn't care the sex as long as we had a healthy, LIVE baby. But I really wanted a girl.
I'm so glad we waited until birth to find out the gender because I know I would have been disappointed if I learned if from a scan. Holding him in my arms for the first time, I didn't care a whit because he was perfect

[phatchristy]

I used to be an active member in a fertility group online forum, from that experience I'll say without a doubt if there is any chance you'll be disappointed at a scan then DO NOT find out. I was in a going for blue group (the group members generally had all girls). I watched people who chose to find out be devistated by the ultrasound results--and saw other moms who did not find out prior to birth be ecstatic with their newborns of either gender. It's really unlikely to be unhappy when you've got the baby there with you to see, and it's real to you.

I had hopeful thoughts that my fourth was going to be a girl--however, my pregnancy had been really good, easy w/practically no m/s so I suspected it could be a boy. But I chose NOT to find out at the u/s. Indeed it was a boy. And, I remember, picking baby up with the towel and cradling the baby up to my chest and all I cared about was how baby was. When he was fine, a minute or so later I checked the parts, and I exclaimed "it's Ian."

When the baby is there, in your arms it's real and something so very special. Every mechanism of labor and birth is built for you to love, nurture and care for that child. So, you won't care what the gender is.

In all honestly I think it's more fun not knowing. The funny thing is, the first three I 'guessed' or 'knew' the gender correctly!

[ann_of_loxley]

Weve decided not to find out because I want a surprise this time - and a totally different exerience.

We found out with DS. He was our first - for us it was a bonding thing. It wasn't planned - I wasn't sure of myself, etc. Pregnancy was the last thing on my mind really and the scan did help with that - finding out who he was iykwim.

I was a little disapointed if I am honest. I wanted a girl lmao. I soon got over it and I love having a boy - and having a boy first too! ...

I guess if you highly prefer one sex over the other, its probably best to find out at the scan. So if its not the sex you want - you can come to terms with that before the baby is born and not after. That way when they are born, you can spend your time bonding and not grieving over not having your dreamed of boy/girl. I know that might sound terrible to some people but I realise thats how some people feel. And in some cases, I don't blame them. I mean, I can imagine being upset by having my fifth boy or something and still no girl or whatever.

[Girlprof]

At first I didn't even understand this question. Then I remembered that way back when with DS we found out the sex at the U/S and I was a tiny bit disappointed. Obviously this didn't matter much since I had totally forgotten about it. For us, it was good to find out at the scan. We named him immediately and always referred to him by name after that.

[nikirj]

I've done this a few different ways, so I just picked the one that had the most emotional impact.

It was harder for me finding out at the scan, because I had a lot of time to dwell on it without any real personality to get to know. Once my non-preferred-gender baby was born, it was like "what on earth was I worried about!" But it was a long time to be nervous, only to meet my baby and think "OMG, of course I love this baby and of course everything will be fine!"

[Juniperberry]

This is an interesting question and I can see it working both ways. With DS1 I just knew it was a boy and I was really happy to have a boy first because I had always longed for a big brother and I wanted my kids to have a big brother. So we found out at the scan, named him and that was that!

With DS2 I will openly admit that I REALLY wanted a girl. I mean really really really. I think deep down I knew he was a boy but I had convinced myself that he was a girl. I found out at the ultrasound at 20 weeks and was pretty miserable for the rest of my pregnancy - privatly with myself as I've never had the nerve to tell anyone close to me.... not even DP knows to what extent it affected me. I know this wasn't good for me and the pregnancy. I kept telling myself that when DS2 was born I'd bond instantly and it wouldn't matter what he was. I was hating myself for feeling like that. It was really awful. When he was born of course I loved him, but the bond didn't come straight away, it was so horrible... I felt so so awful. Remembering how it had been with DS1. Even now I feel awful. It took a few months to really bond with him. I love him unconditionally and have a tight bond with him now.... but I do still want a girl. We've always said we want at least 3 kids and I'm looking forward to having a third eventually but at the same time I'm really terrified at how I'm going to be if it's another boy. How selfish am I?? I'm still working through these feelings with myself. I'm secretly jealous of my friend who has 2 little girls. Anyway, I'm sorry if this is a ramble. I'm just wondering what I'd have thought if I'd have waited till birth? I think I would have taken it better. I think having all those months to dwell on it didn't help at all...

So.. in conclusion to that, I think it's probably best to wait till the baby's born to find out the sex. Phew! Mabye I shoudl prepare myself to do that next time... Hmm...

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

During pregnancy #1, I had a LOT of anxiety because I so desperately wanted a girl. I literally had nightmares and slept very little the night before the scan. Girl. I would not have wanted to prolong that anxiety/uncertainty one day longer than it was necessary.

I very much wanted a girl this time around, though I suspected Baby was a boy. We definitely wanted to find out, but I felt a lot less anxiety this time around and was not as disappointed as I thought I would be that baby was a boy.

For me, I am not really that worried about whether I will bond with/love the baby. My main concerns are honestly about dealing with family dynamics IRT gender-specific issues like circumcision and stereotypes, and getting a head start on those issues now (not with a newborn) makes me feel more prepared and calm.

[MyLittleWarrior]

We've found out with all 3. We're impatient like that. I want to be surprised, just surprise me at 20 wks, not 40 lol. With my first, I truley honestly didn't care either direction. We had a girl name and a boy name picked out, and were just really curious and ready to name this baby and start bonding with a him or a her. So both DH and I were thrilled to find we were having a boy. Some time during that pregnancy, I had something of a premonition that I would be a mother to 4 boys. I really came to embrace that idea, so when we found that #2 was also a boy I was equally thrilled. When we got pg w/#3 I was convinced it would be another boy, although by about 6 weeks in DH was betting on girl because apparent I was a lot more moody then with my previous pregnancies. When we found out at the us that he was right, I was thrilled to be having a little girl, but it took me a few weeks to let go of the idea that I'd have a house full of all boys. Not so much that I was disappointing, just that I was mourning the loss of that expectation kwim? If we do have another (DH keeps hinting that 3 is a great number) we'll probably find out again. I like being able to start a baby blanket at mid pregnancy, and it's been fun to knit and crochet some lacy girly things.

[camprunner]

We found out at birth with both of ours. I wanted girls so I was in heaven. The hardest part was looking at the disappointment on dh's face. The next time, I'm thinking about finding out so he can get used to the idea (or me if it's a boy).

[tanyam926]

I have 3 boys and I have always know they were boys at the VERY beginning of pg, but then didn't have a strong feeling one way or the other for the rest of my pg, does that make sense?

So w/ds1 I thought boy, and at 20 wk ultrasound it was confirmed.

W/ds2 we had an u/s at 27 wks and they told me girl. I was surprised bc I had thought boy. I was like, okay, bought pink stuff, could only come up w/boy names that I liked though, no girl names. He was born and surprise! there he was.

Ds3, no u/s but I was pretty sure he was a boy. Dh, my mom, and my boys all thought girl. He was born and we all fell in love w/him and my kids weren't sad that he was a boy.

I don't think we will have any more babies but if we do it will be another surprise. I don't have a burning desire for a girl, I can picture myself w/4 boys or w/3 boys and 1 girl.

BTW, I had a m/c in 2007 and I got the same strong feeling at the VERY beginning of my pg about the sex, and I felt so strongly it was a girl. I have been right every other time, but who knows?

So, I have decided I like the surprise on the baby's birth day but don't regret it either way.

[flapjack]

I had three surprises, with the scans done in a hospital that will NOT tell you under any circumstances- and then, with DS3, I had the option of finding out. DH wanted to know, we didn't have a very strong gender preference, maybe slightly towards a girl, and thought "why not?"

So I asked, and we found out we were having a boy. And my first thought was "is that IT?" Where's my sense of bonding? Why doesn't it feel different? Why is this such a huge anticlimax? Peeking just gave me one small piece of the package of who he is: it would have been the same way if I'd been told s/he would have hair at birth, or brown eyes. His willy does not define him.
We tried to peek this time round- we've taken ONE look at each scan. Baby doesn't want us to know. Seems fair enough :

[BookGoddess]

I was determined not to know but then when we did the 20 week scan and we were offered the chance to know the gender, I changed my mind.

I was thrilled to find out I was having a girl. Secretly I wanted to have a little girl and I had a strong feeling I was carrying a girl.