Should I start co-sleeping if I will have to work night shifts soon?

[Spud]

Hi. Until a week ago, my breastfed baby who just turned 6 months old has slept well in his crib right next to my bed. He has always napped in my arms or on my chest. Last week, he suddenly started crying in his sleep and although he will fall asleep happily in my arms, if I even try to put him in his crib, he wakes up or cries in his sleep as soon as I put him down. I pick him right back up since I won't let him cry like that. Every once in a while I can get him in the crib for an hour or so, but then he wakes up crying. My husband and I were taking shifts staying up with him at night but we got too exhausted. We have been sleeping with the baby in our bed the last few nights and everyone sleeps much better. I was concerned about safety and still am a bit but he rolls over both ways and sits unassisted when placed in that position and I feel like I won't roll over on him. We are taking steps to make our bed even safer for him.


Here's the big problem... At the beginning of January, I start my medical residency (specialty training for doctors). I will be working very long hours unfortunately. One night per week I will get home around 11pm. One day on the weekend I will have to work a 24-30 hour shift. To complicate matters, my husband might not be living with us yet. He is in the military and might have to wait a few months to move where we will be. My parents will take turns taking care of the baby during that time. I know it's not safe for caregivers other than parents to sleep with a baby because they aren't as in tune with the baby. My father is a heavy sleeper and my mother obese, making it even less safe. Even if my husband is there, he is a heavy sleeper too. He has done okay the last few nights, but I don't think it would be a great idea for him to sleep alone with the baby. I thought about a co-sleeper next to the bed but from the descriptions of the products, my son is just about too old for it. Also, he wants to be snuggled up to me, so I don't think he'd be happy just sleeping in the co-sleeper next to me. If I allow my son to sleep in our bed now, what will we do when I have to start work? I'm afraid he just won't sleep when I am on call overnight and I'm not sure my 60 year old parents are up for any all-nighters, not to mention it would be even harder on the baby. Will a co-sleeping baby who won't sleep in his crib sleep in the adult bed without an adult? Is there any way to even make that safe?


I have been enjoying sleeping with my baby but I am afraid of starting a habit that will cause huge problems when I go to work. That transition is going to be hard enough on the baby. On the other hand, if I could find a way to make it work while I'm on call, we might both enjoy the time together at night since I will unfortunately be gone a lot during the day for the next year.


Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it's long, but it's a kind of complicated situation. Also, I know some people will be tempted to tell me not to work this job, but that is not an option. I am almost $300,000 in debt from medical school so I HAVE to complete my training (not to mention I want to be a doctor, especially when the kids are school age). Also, I delayed the start of my training by 6 months and have a contract to start in January. There's no getting around this. At least it is only temporary. I have chosen a family friendly specialty that will have decent hours after my training is finished.

[Maluhia]

I can't say I'd kick the baby out of your bed now, but I do agree that cosleeping with your parents (at least) and your husband (follow your gut) is out. That being said the nights you CAN sleep with your child are a connection time that can help get that extra "together" time you might miss when you are working your residency.

Can you sleep with a few crib sheets in your pillowcase? I guess my thought with this is that your smell would be on the crib sheets which might make your baby feel safer when sleeping in a crib without adding a possible suffocation risk/stuffed animal/lovey.

Could this sleep upheval be in reaction to stress from your upcoming seperation, your DH going away? Maybe when life calms down a bit it will be eaiser to go back to what worked before? Also....is there a growth spurt, or learning walking happening? Often with such things night time becomes more clingy, etc. as a reaction to all that is learned/grown/etc. all day long....

Either way Mama, this is a rough choice to make and there is no one clear-cut answer, I think as with many things it's following your gut and listening to yourself and your child as you go. That way you end up knowing you did what was best, because your instinct is!

[Spud]

Thanks for your response. He did recently have a growth spurt.
His recent milestones like rolling both ways and sitting up were mastered about two weeks before this all started. He sleeps well in the bed with me but I am afraid he just won't sleep the nights I am on call if I let him keep doing this but I don't know what else to do. So far the crib sheet suggestion has not worked but I will try it again in a week.

Any other thoughts on starting cosleeping now if I won't be there some nights soon?

[Lilygoose]

I co-sleep with my DD (13 months) in the bed and she will also sleep there pretty well without me. She does not sleep well in her pack n play anymore (used to be good for a nap or a couple of hours at least), and we turned the crib into a toddler bed months ago because she hated it, not that she sleeps in the toddler bed either, but she loves to play there. She is very safe in the bed by herself and has never fallen out, we don't use a frame just in case she did. We recently got a mesh bed rail thingy because she does move a lot in her sleep now and she can get out of the bed safely on her own, so I don't monitor quite as closely anymore, still in earshot but I was kinda overdoing it before. I don't know how I would feel about her alone in the bed if she was your DC's age, but it would depend on the sturdiness and sleep movements of the child, the height of the bed and how well the child would be monitored. Could one of your parents sleep in the room, but not in the bed?

[zebramama]

So hard to know the right thing to do. It's very possible this is temporary for you and he may be able to go back into the crib on his own coming up soon; every child is so very different. What I'm really replying to is this- I am currently in my 3rd year of family medicine residency, and have a 6.5 month old son, with whom I co-sleep every night I am home. I have lots and lots of sympathy for your situation.

I have really struggled with whether to co-sleep my son, because when I'm on call or night float, he's with his dad, who clearly can't nurse him, and who is a terribly light sleeper and can't co-sleep well with him. I went back to work at 6 weeks for only 2 weeks and then took another 6 weeks off. Our kiddo needed to sleep physically on us until 2 months (so my husband and baby would come to the hospital and sleep over in the call room so he could nurse all night), then he slept really well in a cradle on his own next to the bed with a 4-6 hour chunk to start until 2 weeks after I started back to work for good (about 3.5 months).

Whether it was due to a developmental milestone (rolling over right at the time it started), or because he was reverse cycling because I struggled to pump enough, or because he just missed me during the day, since then he can't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time with or without me. We started co-sleeping again out of desperation and exhaustion, and continue to every night.

I guess what I'm saying is, you never know how he'll change on his own or how he'll react to you going back to work, but you know that you are his mom and you love him, and he knows that too. You have to do what makes sense for both of you, and if co-sleeping preserves sanity and stays off some of the sadness of being away from him, it may benefit you both. Your folks or whoever cares for him will make it through the nights you are gone, and remember, they only have to do it that one night, they can trade off sleeping that night and during the next day, they will get the rest of the week to recover, and you are going to be very tired in residency, so figure out what is best for you to keep you happy and healthy for that kid.

I have had a really hard time explaining to people why I chose this path and did motherhood (on purpose) during it; at times I feel like I have to be apologetic about it, or pretend it's easy in order to avoid judgement from folks, like I am somehow damaging my kid or family. The thing is, as much as I was called to be a mom, I also feel called to be a doctor, and I do love what I do (or at least, what I plan to do with my training). Residency is not the way your career will always be; it will not be the most gratifying job at times, and it's ridiculous that the training is what it is, but eventually it will get you what you need and want, and when it's over, you can choose not to participate in the busy hours or the martyr lifestyle. In the meantime, I hope women in medicine like us can learn to feel less embarrassed or remorseful about our choices, and begin to feel empowered and supported by our communities and families. I hope we can learn to ask for and accept help without feeling like a bad mom or bad doctor. It sounds like you, too, feel that this is a calling. Let's celebrate that you've made it here, as much as we mourn the losses to come with residency.

OK, enough blabbing. Just know I'm sending you hugs as you start soon. I'm off to do another admission.

PS- This is my pep-talk rant as I am on night float night week two, struggling to keep it together at times. Apparently, I have been thinking a lot about these things too. Of note, there are 4 moms in our program, all with babies, and two more women pregnant in our program. We love and support each other. I have pushed as many boundaries as possible with the residency, nursing my baby during lectures and our afternoon of didactics, nursing him during sign-out for medicine, sometimes while writing admission orders, and I have insisted on scheduled time to pump in my clinic.

[AislinCarys]

Friends of ours co-sleep with their 18 month-old, For the past year or so the mum hasn't been very well (she's got a medical condition, which makes her very weak at times, and gives her trouble sleeping, and getting well-rested). Anyway, one or two nights a week the baby stays with her grandparents, so mum can rest, and always sleep in her cot there. My friend says it's never been a problem, her daughter was fine about her grandmother putting her to sleep in the cot (even if she won't let mum do it).

Maybe if you're not there (and LO is with people he trusts), he'll be fine? Or if it really doesn't work, maybe grandma can put a mattress on the floor (childproof room, of course), and cuddle him to sleep, sing, read? Maybe he'll stay asleep without her?

[Spud]

Thank you for the replies. I will try having the adult caring for him sleep in the room but not in the bed. Maybe we'll get lucky and he will sleep in the crib when I am not there. I have really been enjoying co-sleeping and I think it will help us when we have to spend so much time apart during the day.

Zebramama- thank you for sharing your story. It really made me feel better.