Mealtime Manners?

[activemomma]

I have two DDs--barely 2 yo & 9 wks.

I am struggling with my older DD's eating--I'm fairly sure that most of the frustration is my own fault since I'm so unsure of myself and as a result totally inconsistent. She's still nursing and is nursing A LOT now that she is a big sister. I would say that she gets 60-80 % of her calories from bfing. I am devoted to natural duration bfing and most of the time I am glad that she is looking for comfort and nutrition from the breast. Our approach to feeding solids has been of the baby-led variety--we offer her some of what we make and then she can eat or not. I have wanted to make meal time totally pressure-free; we try not do any mealtime cheerleading. (Major problems with this are that grandparents constantly make junk food available and tantalizing).

Then the worries creep in....

I have two worries.
(1) she is filling up on breastmilk and not getting enough other foods, esp. iron. we do a nibble tray, which works--she'll eat veggies and olives and nuts (sometimes beans) from this. but she almost never eats even a bite of our scheduled meals. am i creating a vicious cycle by allowing her to bf so much that she isn't hungry anymore? if i try to postpone a 'nursie' until after breakfast or dinner, everything just dissolves into tantrums (first her, then me ). should i just wait it out, hoping that she just outgrows the intensity of needs?

(2) have I created a monster? she doesn't stay in her seat for meals, won't eat (I've lately found myself making "deals" that she just has to eat one bite to get the thing she wants), and runs around asking us to read to her or play with her. (or sit with one of us). my instinct is to just model good meal time manners ("No, we don't read when we eat." "Mommy and Daddy are eating right now, I'll play with you afterwards." "No, it's dinner time" etc) and hope that I can instill manners in her later in life when her goal is not to defy us ALL. THE. TIME. But then I get worried that we need to be clearer about our expectations and to be more forceful in having them met. is it too soon? is it too late? please help!

[webjefita]

Ummm.... she's SO young! I'm sorry, I don't want to be dismissive, but I really wouldn't worry! For me it's important to make mealtimes pleasant, and I can do that for myself, which means less harping on the kids and no discussing anything that could turn tense or unpleasant :-) Lighting candles this year is nice, they are finally old enough to understand to leave them alone... and mine are 3 and 6! Their table manners are in progress... understandably the older one's are much more advanced. But even the 3.5yo has trouble sitting in his seat.

I think what she's doing is completley natural. Good luck and have fun!

[Swan3]

I can totally relate to this...we're trying to turn a new leaf with our almost three year old so that she can eat on her own. I've been spoon feeding her precisely because she won't sit long enough to eat any of her meal. We've started reading "Child of Mine: Feeding your child with love and good sense" by Ellen Satter. It's helping, but it's hard to get out of those habits. I'd say don't get overly concerned, but it never hurts to start working on setting them up with better habits around mealtimes....good luck!

Originally Posted by activemomma

I have two DDs--barely 2 yo & 9 wks.


(2) have I created a monster? she doesn't stay in her seat for meals, won't eat (I've lately found myself making "deals" that she just has to eat one bite to get the thing she wants), and runs around asking us to read to her or play with her. (or sit with one of us). my instinct is to just model good meal time manners ("No, we don't read when we eat." "Mommy and Daddy are eating right now, I'll play with you afterwards." "No, it's dinner time" etc) and hope that I can instill manners in her later in life when her goal is not to defy us ALL. THE. TIME. But then I get worried that we need to be clearer about our expectations and to be more forceful in having them met. is it too soon? is it too late? please help!

[LynnS6]

At 2, if she can sit for 2 minutes at the table, that's great. When she hits 5, then I think you can raise your expectations to eating her meal with the whole family.

Right now your 2 year old has a very new sibling, so imposing a new, higher expectation might lead to frustration. As the pp said, making meal times pleasant is important. Our kids have been able to eat with us from about 2 on, but I realize that not every child is able to do that. But I think you can start to build the expectation that the family eats together. Just expect it to take a year or two for it to be a reality.

While I wouldn't expect her to sit at the table and eat, necessarily, I would expect my 2 year old to give ME time to eat. Now, I wouldn't expect them to do that cheerfully or willingly. I've been known to send my kids to their room so we can eat without tantrums. I'm a lousy parent when I'm hungry and so it's important for the whole family that I get to eat.

[activemomma]

Thanks for your replies--I realize that I've been very influenced by the judgment of my MIL and my parents about this and I'm working to forget about that. Making mealtimes pleasant is a great tip! We've started a candle. I'm also worrying less and letting her come to it on her own.

I've started reading "Unconditional Parenting" and wow! I'm so excited and feel very freed in my parenting. I realize that my expectations for my DD have been way higher than should be expected for a 2 year old!

[meemee]

aaaaaaaaaaaah

then this series will tremendously help you too.

Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender ~ Louise Bates Ames (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Two-Year-.../dp/0440506387

this series goes up to age 12 i think. even though its old it gives a great guideline of how children behave at that age and why. ignore the discipline stuff. these series helped me gain understanding what my child was going thru and why. that was enough information i needed to figure out our own discipline style.

[ssh]

My DD was still nursing alot and a picky eater at 2. She barely sat at the table during meals at all until abit after 3. Now, at just turned 4, she loves the idea of all of us eating at the table and just weaned herself. She also started eating green vegetables again within the last year.

I never worried about my DDs nutrition at all when she was still nursing alot. Human milk is the perfect food for young humans.

I know what it's like doing things different from the rest of the family. We don't try to get our DD to eat, she doesn't have to sit with everyone if she's all done, we didn't "potty train" her she started using the toilet on her own when she was ready at 3.5, and I let her wean herself. DD has a cousin who is 6 months older and all these different choices have been noticed. Not negatively commented on, but still noticed.