Urgh! Should I just say we're having the babe in the hospital??

[northerngirl]

When I went to the gym yesterday, I ran into my aunt who I have not seen for years (I guess she's not technically my aunt anymore since she divorced my uncle many many years ago). Anyway, she then proceeds to tell me "oh your mom said you are having your baby in the bath tub or something?" Just the way she said it really urked me. I replied that I didn't know what I was doing yet.
I really makes me mad that my parents are telling people my private business. No less to ex family members that who I or they don't really associate with. They can't just say oh my daughter is pregnant and leave it at that, why is anything more necessary? I have not told my mom I saw her yet bc I don't want to say the wrong thing and I may be real mean about it. I feel like not telling them anything and just calling when babe is here. Why is it anyone's business! Urgh. What would you say? Thanks for any advice ladies.

[OTMomma]

It sounds like you are a very private person, and your parents are not. To me,it doesn't sound so awful- at least they aren't having every person on the planet call you to tell you not to homebirth. Maybe your "aunt" asked where you were having the baby- maybe she told a story about a local hospital and wanted to know if you were having the baby there, and your mom had to answer no you were having a homebirth. Perhaps your parents had no clue it seemed a private matter to you. Most people do discuss where they plan to birth.

I think if you don't want people to know you are having a homebirth, you need to just nicely ask your parents not to share that info. If you don't want to discuss your birth plans, that's your business. However, pregnant women tend to become public property somehow- people are going to ask you rude personal question that are MUCH more intrusive than where you'll give birth- so prepare yourself- it isn't fun.

[Buzzer Beater]

I think it's fair that your folks don't share that with everyone. It gets old having to defend your choices or having people treat you like you're nuts. I totally understand! My mom has the biggest mouth ever, so I'm not telling her our homebirth plans yet.

[Peace+Hope]

i think you can feel good asking them to keep your birth plans private. most people, unless they are local and into who all the OBs are, aren't going to even wonder about your prenatal care or birth plans. and because it is not the "norm" to choose a home birth, let alone midwifery care, you have really good reason! you could tell them that even though you are 100% sure/happy about your choice, you know it's unusual, and want to choose who you are likely to get into discussion with.

my parents (dad) have a tendency to share personal information from their kids' lives with their whole community, in newsletter format (they are missionaries, and do prayer letters that go out to over 2,000 people every few months). so, this is well-traveled territory for me, heh.

[ACsMom]

I'm sensitive about this issue, too, because most of my family members are pretty conservative, "doctor-knows-best" kind of people. My sister can't even fathom why I would want a natural birth (she doesn't know we're planning a home birth).

I recently told my mother, because I kind of had to, in the context of a discussion about when she would come down, whether I needed her to take care of my older daughter, etc. I told her I was keeping it on the down-low, not making a big deal, because I need to shield myself from people's opinions right now, no matter how subtly delivered that opinion may be. She was totally cool about it, and hasn't shared with anyone (or at least if she has, she told the person not to let on to me that she has! )

Hopefully your parents will be understanding if you ask them to keep your birth choices private for now.

[nikirj]

For me, I want as many people as possible telling as many people as possible that I'm having a home birth. That's more about homebirth as a political movement than about my choice, personally, just because the more people-who-know-people-who-know-people who did it, the faster it becomes an accepted choice.

Your need not to argue with 50 people a week about how you're birthing, if you have lots of unsupportive people around, *totally* trumps that, and it is completely fair of you to tell your parents that they shouldn't go around broadcasting your homebirth since you don't want to argue with your whole community about your choices.

[northerngirl]

Thanks for all the replies ladies. I have cooled down a bit and have yet to talk to my mom at all. I guess that it was also the way that my "aunt" said it, I kind of felt degraded in a way, it was almost like she was saying "oh your baby is going to sleep in a drawer bc you don't have anywhere else"...along those lines.
And yes, I do not want to have to be defending my decision to everyone. When I am hearing negative comments over and over I start to question my decision and I don't want that.
Side story if you want to read:
At the very beginning of my pregnancy when I was talking an excoworker/now friend, she asked if I had had my regular testing done yet and when I said no, that I was low risk and didn't want to unnecessarily worry myself about results...and then she said "your not having the baby at home are you?" I paused and then said yes...and it snowballed from there with in the end her saying that my baby was going to have downs syndrome and was going to die bc I was having a hb. I was in tears and thought her of all people, an open minded lesbian, would have those comments about my decision. She apologized later that day in an email, and I replied that I was fine and understood that she felt strongly about the subject (her younger sister died shortly after birth bc of a heart defect or something and she supposedly new someone who's baby died bc they had a homebirth and the baby wasn't breathing). Plus a few weeks earlier she found out her wife was cheating on her.
I have not spoken to her since that email exchange and I don't plan on it until after the baby is born. I just don't want to get into it.
The other thing is that I planned a hb with dd now 3.5, and ended up transferring for pain relief and was scared and thought it would never end. It was not fun afterwards already feeling like I failed myself and my baby, and then having people say "oh we knew you couldn't do it". It took a while for me to get over that and the jealousy of other moms who got to do it the way I dreamed about it.

[thefreckledmama]

I have the same issue with my IL's, they're the town criers of our lives.

I would just kindly ask your parents not to share any info you don't want them to. I always fall back on the "it's our news/info to share" excuse. Not that I need an excuse, but they seem to grasp that better.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by northerngirl

The other thing is that I planned a hb with dd now 3.5, and ended up transferring for pain relief and was scared and thought it would never end. It was not fun afterwards already feeling like I failed myself and my baby, and then having people say "oh we knew you couldn't do it". It took a while for me to get over that and the jealousy of other moms who got to do it the way I dreamed about it.

You will probably have a fine homebirth! It's usually easier the second/subequent times. ITA with you on not wanting people to know...Parents/grandparents have to learn to respect thier grown childrens' wishes on this...it's a hard thing sometimes for them, when they have spent thier whole adult lives bragging on thier kids! Really though. I would talk to your mom, and make sure she KNOWs any info you tell her is not to be shared. If it happens again, I would keep mum about everything else til after the baby is born! That way you can have a nice "safe" emotional place to be, and won't be stressed out about people's rude comments.... Happy Homebirthing! PS, you didn't fail the first time either. Sometimes it just happens that way...

[lindsayjean]

oh man, that's rough! My mom told my inlaws that some random unlicensed midwife was coming to help us... she is a CPM with 30 yrs of experience and m inlaws got the impression she didn't have training and didn't bring any emergency supplies. And we hadn't even planned to tell them in was a HB until after!! Yikes.

Everything went perfectly for us. Be confident in your decision. KNOW it is going to be great. And it will. Some people just don't get it.

[SwanMom]

I'm having trouble with this, too. I had a home birth last time, but my son had meconium aspiration syndrome & was in the hospital for 3 weeks. So my BIL (very mainstream) asked me yesterday (at our Thanksgiving gathering): "You're going to a hospital this time, right?" And everyone else looked on with interest, commenting "I was wondering the same thing." I chickened out and said, "I'm not sure yet." But honestly? having my baby in a hospital is a last resort for me. If I have my wish, I'll either birth at home or in a birth center...with my familiar midwives. Can I get away with just not telling anyone? People at work & other nosy acquaintances are probably going to ask the question, too.

My DH and my own parents understand & support my desire to HB, so that helps.

[mamakaryn08]

So far, the only family members that know we are having a home birth are my parents. I think they expected it, though. I'm a birth activist and a doula and I never shut up about this stuff anyway. They didn't sound the least bit surprised, nor did they make any comments about the safety of it or anything like that. My first was born in the hospital after only 4 hours of labor and I don't want to repeat the experience of arriving at the hospital in transition. It was extremely hectic and chaotic and not pleasant. Laboring at home was much more peaceful and this time I'd rather just stay there.

I haven't told any of my siblings, nor have we told any of the in-laws. I don't know what they would say, honestly. I just don't want to bother with trying to defend my choice to them, or to be judged by them. I don't want the negativity. So I'll keep it to myself until it comes out one way or another. To be honest I'm surprised I don't get comments from my in laws about the fact that I'm still nursing DS (20 months). Even my mom sometimes makes comments about me needing to wean soon.

Maybe they don't say anything because they know not to mess with me and my volatile personality. Lol.

[happybunny]

This seems to be a common problem. My MIL is telling everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) that we are having the baby in her bathroom (we live with my IL's). When I suggest that this is a private matter and that some people might find this very strange or even dangerous, she tells me that I am just so sensitive right now.

I am pretty open about our plans myself, but I don't need her to inform the entire neighborhood of our choices. Last time it happened and she told me I was too sensitive I just said: Listen, I am making choices as to how and where I will push this baby out of my vagina. Not everyone has to know all the details. Please respect my privacy.

Not sure whether it worked yet. But we'll see.

[cookiemom]

My father started sharing our homebirth plan with some casual acquaintances and my mother jumped in and told him "don't tell people that...they don't understand and they'll say stupid things and you leave the door open for them to judge our daughter if she has to transfer to the hospital." He apologized and said he didn't realize it was supposed to be a "secret." I know he was just mentioning it because he was proud that we made that choice, since he coached my mom thru one of my siblings' births at home years ago. I did tell him though that I prefer privacy on the subject because it is tiring to defend it regularly. He was cool about it. The in-laws are another story...ugh. My own husband has given up on them understanding!

We were also just at a party and one of our friends brought up that we were planning on a homebirth with our first. We got three versions of the "cord around the neck...emergency c-section....and if they hadn't been in the hospital...." story.

I think it is common to meet this kind of ignorance a lot amongst peers and older people who grew up in the doctor's office and know no other birth scenario. I definitely hadn't planned on sharing that info, just because I know how the media and entertainment world has portrayed birth over the years. It is unfortunate that people just believe what they see on tv and don't educate themselves with real facts. But sadly not everyone is informed, and the politics of the situation make it very hard to find the truth. And most people won't make an effort to find out.

Since the subject was open though, my husband ran with it and almost had every guy in the room convinced that it was a better idea for a low risk woman as he rattled off statistics. (men like stats) I barely said anything. I was so proud of him and his passion on the subject and I think a lot of the people realized their pseudo-factual opinions were falling on well-studied ears. He's been so great studying to be my coach.

I do believe though that no one should be sharing this info if that is your wish. It seems to just be reality that most people don't understand.

I hope you all have beautiful home births! & Kudos to those of you who've already done it! I aspire to join you in February.

[northerngirl]

Thank you ladies. It's nice to know there are others in my boat.
I did end up seeing my mom on Sunday. I went to her house to drop dd off to play with her cousin. It was funny bc I barely sat down and she said "oh I saw Debbie (the "aunt") yesterday"...and I said "oh yeah I saw her at the gym and I'm real upset about what you said to her about my birthing preferences". So I ended up yelling (yikes) and swearing (yikes) about how it was nobody's business and if they would like to continue to do that then they will be told nothing from now on and will be notified after the baby is born. I was crying and very upset and left right after the incident. I felt bad that I said what I did in front of dd and my nephew, but it all just came out.
Although, after being upset I felt kinda proud of myself for doing it and letting her know that I was serious. And now it's awkward bc I am going out of town for thanksgiving and probably should call and wish them a happy holiday. Blah.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Yeah, I didn't tell anyone (irl - I blabbed it all over the internet, though ). I even waited to tell my mom, whom I actually wanted at my birthing, until I invited her to the home prenatal visit with my midwife at 37 weeks. When people asked which doctor I was seeing or which hospital I was delivering at, I just casually mentioned I was seeing a midwife at a free-standing birthing center.