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"why can't your kids be normal and want everything" - Page 2

post #21 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom View Post
Slightly OT, but why is this a nice sentiment? Gma wants to get them a nice shiny toy that they don't want. That is about Gma, not the kids. Why not enjoy the grandkids for who they are instead of who you want/expect them to be? Why can't getting them a book or art supplies, or (insert non-gadgety thing here) be cool and shiny? It is cool and shiny to the kids because that is what they like and what they are in to.
come now....see I am a gift giver....I love, love, love to buy fun, exciting new gifts for my neices, nephews and everyone in general....for kids I do love to buy toys...why? Because as a kid I loved getting them. lol.

for Tyr's gifts we buy toys, games, books...but generally no clothes (I buy those as non gifts) and craft stuff is usually stocked form the dollar store regularly.
We have about 25 people on our gift giving list....and I love the challenge of shopping for everyone and finding something unique for that person.
post #22 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mama View Post

So here is the list I gave here prior to our conversation.. As you all can see they want plentyof stuff.. It is easily attainable (we live in a big city), but it "wasn't good enough, there should be more."

..
Well....I think it was a great list!!! so really, she shouldn't have a problem finding some fun stuff to buy for them
Maybe she meant they were like the "Average" child who wants everything instead of "Normal"?
post #23 of 40
Hey - at least your kids want TOYS.

Know what ds wants for Christmas? A plastic ID holder with a zip top (clear). This is his reaction when he got a package of Avery brand ID clips 2 years ago. He'd specifically asked for these. We had other kids, but his teacher had an Avery brand and that's what he wanted.

Seriously, I think this is about your mom's love languages -- she wants to give a gift that's 'special', and her definition of special and your kids' don't match up. She, being the adult, is going to have to deal with it, but I wouldn't read too much into this.
post #24 of 40
Is it a "I want to spend a lot of money and get something really big" kind of thing? If so, if you don't already have them, a train table and a nice easel would be great compliments to the hobbies your kids are already into.
post #25 of 40
We have this same problem on both sides of our family. When asked what he wants for Christmas (many many times now), the only thing DS can come up with is "a box with a bow". Seriously, I think he would be happy with ANY BOX with a shiny ribbon. But MIL wants to buy him huge quantities of junk that he might like from the thrift store, and my mom wants to spend hundreds of dollars, even if it doesn't yield anything he would like (although both of them usually do have a few hits out of lots of misses).

You know, I get the whole love languages thing, but it's not my thing. I want someone to spend time with me, and my kids (especially DS) wants his grandparents to spend time with him. I think there could be a balance somewhere between the giver getting what they want (spending a fortune or buying something the kids don't really want) and the receiver getting what they want too. Why do these kinds of threads always turn into "That's the way your [insert appropraite relative] operates, and you should just live with it because it's fun for them". Why can't there be a middle ground?

Anyway, I'm still torn about the whole thing, and we're gently suggesting that each set of grandparents find one really cool thing that they want to give him (no prompting from us) and then come up with something fun to do with him, like take him to the zoo or the museum on a really special outing, or do a fun art project with him.
post #26 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by lonegirl View Post
come now....see I am a gift giver....I love, love, love to buy fun, exciting new gifts for my neices, nephews and everyone in general....for kids I do love to buy toys...why? Because as a kid I loved getting them. lol.

for Tyr's gifts we buy toys, games, books...but generally no clothes (I buy those as non gifts) and craft stuff is usually stocked form the dollar store regularly.
We have about 25 people on our gift giving list....and I love the challenge of shopping for everyone and finding something unique for that person.
That's the thing. If you, as the gift giver, love to give gifts (and a PP mentioned love languages and giving as a way to show love) then it should still be about the RECIPIENT, not the giver. If the kids want calligraphy supplies, or a train set, then that is what they want. An IPOD or other expensive gadget may be cool to the giver, but how is that showing love if the recipient doesn't want it? IMO, it's more about showing off - more look what I can give you, I'm special and you should love me b/c I spent all this money on you (not saying this is true in the OPs case).

I always thought that giving a gift was a way to show someone you care about THEM not about how they see YOU.

I always get mostly useless stuff at the holidays. No one in my family of origin or my IL really know me or understand what I am interested in. When I discuss my interests it is so foreign to them they just can't form a connection. I would prefer gift cards for practical things, because honestly, I buy what I want for myself. When people get things for me they "think I'd like" it is usually wayyyy off. Though I am not into what most of my family is into I still get them things that are related to things I have seen them use or enjoy. Sometimes it's a hit; sometimes I bomb.
post #27 of 40
Really, it goes both ways. If the giver were posting here, I'd say, "You should consider what the person likes, not just what you want to give." But the other half of the equation is, "You should accepts the gifts people give you graciously." Sometimes people will get you what you want, and sometimes not, but you don't have control over how other people spend their money, and it's rude to tell people what gifts to buy you and your kids. So you can either get upset that they don't buy what you would buy, or appreciate that your children have grandparents who love them and are trying to be kind and generous.
post #28 of 40
Thread Starter 
Thank you new natural mom... You have hit the nail on the head.. This is what I was trying to say about this whole ordeal....

As for wanting an IPOD (to several PP)- I would have no problem what so ever with the kids recieving one... If that was what they really wanted.. But it's not what they want.. And really the IPOD she wanted to give was the IPOD touch... Which even my 11 year old thinks is over the top..

I guess they have learned this from me but I think it's good.. I mean really who really needs all this stuff anyway.. Would an IPOD or train track really make you any happier in the long run or is it just filling some unmet void.. Having a grandmother who gets them and loves them for who they are is really all they need..

Oh and since I am on my soapbox, yes I do think having an IPOD is materialistic on many levels.. I think that they can have a place, but for many it seems to be more a status object, or right of passage type thing..
post #29 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post
I have to agree. It's the way most people listen to music, books and podcasts now. Wanting to enjoy those things isn't materialistic to me at all. My dd is nearly 8 and she's a music lover (and piano player). I expect she'll have her own ipod in a couple of years.
I often have to pry my ipod out of my kid's hands when I want to use it. They love listening to podcasts, playing with the fingerpiano app, I've used speed drill apps for math and sight words in the past, and they listen to music and occasionally watch videos. Very handy on road trips or when we're stuck waiting in a line somewhere.

It's really no more a "status object" than a calculator, a walkman or a wristwatch would be.
post #30 of 40
I'm always shocked by these threads about gifts. It really seems like a non-issue to me because you can't and shouldn't dictate what someone else buys you or your children. If you feel that someone is showing off by buying you an expensive gift that you don't want, there's nothing you can do about it. And what's more it's not anyone's place to do something about it. If grandma wants to give an expensive gift and asks for suggestions, I would honestly just tell her that it would mean more if SHE chose a gift that she thought they would like because, and correct me if I'm wrong here, it's supposed to be the thought behind the gift that counts.

Of course, I don't like registries or wish lists unless it's for place settings or silver patterns or something like that. All this business of limiting what people can give to just what the receiver has asked for is really contrary to the whole idea of gift giving, I think. Why not just send grandma a shorter list... $20. If that's too much...$10. Giving someone ideas is one thing, but I never could understand how it was OK to ask for specific things and expect to get exactly that and that's it.

Personally I like to receive off-the-wall gifts from people. I always try to figure out what the heck they were thinking about when they gave me things whether it was really thoughtful...or really NOT thoughtful. My dh's siblings do a gift exchange, and they all call each others' spouses to see what to get that person. OR they'll call the person and ask what they want. It's really not fun, and I think it has something to do with how seriously people take gift giving. There is thread after thread on here about folks getting upset about a gift/potential gift/holiday, etc. I don't get it.
post #31 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom View Post
That's the thing. If you, as the gift giver, love to give gifts (and a PP mentioned love languages and giving as a way to show love) then it should still be about the RECIPIENT, not the giver. If the kids want calligraphy supplies, or a train set, then that is what they want. An IPOD or other expensive gadget may be cool to the giver, but how is that showing love if the recipient doesn't want it? IMO, it's more about showing off - more look what I can give you, I'm special and you should love me b/c I spent all this money on you (not saying this is true in the OPs case).

I always thought that giving a gift was a way to show someone you care about THEM not about how they see YOU.
This. Exactly. If you (general) ask for a wishlist, then you really shouldn't criticize anything on it - the things on it are the things the recipient wants, so criticizing the items is criticizing the person. You have no obligation to buy from the list, of course, but taking the recipients wants into consideration is important. So many people just want to buy what they want to buy, regardless of whether the recipient would like it. That's just satisfying the givers own need for consumption.

Some people love to pick out gifts that the recipient would like that are not from a list. Great! I love that kind of creativity. The key is really taking what the recipient likes into consideration. Others prefer the security of a list and being garanteed that the recipient will like the gift. I prefer a list when I'm giving gifts, because I'm not into risks and hate the idea of messing up and getting them something they don't like.
post #32 of 40
I wonder if what she was disappointed about was that there wasn't a "high impact" gift on the list... Like an iPod or a Gaming System. Something that perhaps she would assume would result in more of a "WOW!" response than just a regular toy or set of art supplies... Not to imply that any child wouldn't be excited about getting a gift, but maybe she was thinking about a Best. Grandma. Ever. moment.

Of course, my feelings would still be hurt by the "normal" comment...
post #33 of 40
My DH and I talked about this over lunch today. He brought up something that I thought was relevant here:

We've been discussing the love languages of a giver-recipient relationship, but this isn't the same. This is a giver-recipient-parent relationship, and the trouble comes in when parent tries to be a moderator. We all want different things for our kids. I personally would like my kids to realize that they can't have everything they ever want, that there are more fun things in life than sitting in front of the TV all day, and that you can have all sorts of fun no matter how many toys you have. My parents want him to have everything he ever wants, and don't care how much it costs.

Threads come up all the time about how to mediate the relationship between grandparents and kids, but as soon as it becomes about gift giving, "etiquette" proclaims that you say and do NOTHING about your parent's gifting behaviours. Why? Why can't teaching your kids the values that are important to you apply in this area as well?
post #34 of 40
Just had to chime in- when DS was two he stuck to his one wish for the year- ICE CREAM (which santa brought him to eat for breakfast!) This summer we were at Santa's Village and when it was DS's turn to sit near Santa and he was asked what he wanted- he declared...a ROCK. (we have since learned he wants a pink rock-LOL).

Now that Christmas is closer he has a list a mile long- it seems he wants everything and then some.
post #35 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
Really, it goes both ways. If the giver were posting here, I'd say, "You should consider what the person likes, not just what you want to give." But the other half of the equation is, "You should accepts the gifts people give you graciously."
I agree with this completely, but I still think the quote in the OP is over the top and can't see how it relates to love languages or wanting to give a nice gift. If someone said that about my kids, especially if they said it in front of them, I think I'd invite them to not buy my kids anything.

DS2 wants four things this year! I'm shocked. Last year, he only ever said "a hedgehog", referring to a specific chocolate that had been in his stocking the year before. If pressed for anything else he wanted, he'd add "a candy cane". It was soooo sweet.

Quote:
Sometimes people will get you what you want, and sometimes not, but you don't have control over how other people spend their money, and it's rude to tell people what gifts to buy you and your kids. So you can either get upset that they don't buy what you would buy, or appreciate that your children have grandparents who love them and are trying to be kind and generous.
I never tell anyone what to buy (my family does do wish lists, but it's very clear that they're not a list of requirements, yk?). But, I wouldn't appreciate having people mock my kids for not "wanting everything". It's just so incredibly rude, and has nothing to do with the spirit of giving, imo.
post #36 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
Hey - at least your kids want TOYS.

Know what ds wants for Christmas? A plastic ID holder with a zip top (clear). This is his reaction when he got a package of Avery brand ID clips 2 years ago.
That's awesome.

We don't have anything that great, but I will say that a few rolls of coloured electrical tape were one of the biggest hits I ever put in a stocking. Oh - and I gave my nephew salad last year, and may do it again this year...
post #37 of 40
it was absolutely wrong for your mom to talk about your kids like that.

that said I understand her wanting yuour kids to want stuff. Those lists are small and don't give her much to play with. And sure she could still get your kids an ipod or something expensive and cool but if they weren't going to be blown away excited about it then what fun is that.

I really hate gift lists though because they don't really get down to thwta the kids are interested in (although it is clear your kids have a love for trains sets ) When people would ask me what my kids wanted I usually would just give them generalities about things like "oh they are really into this, or that" but if it was something with a lot of sets and stuff I would tyell them to let me know what they were thinking about or whatever so i could tell them if we had that peice/set.
post #38 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I agree with this completely, but I still think the quote in the OP is over the top and can't see how it relates to love languages or wanting to give a nice gift. If someone said that about my kids, especially if they said it in front of them, I think I'd invite them to not buy my kids anything.

DS2 wants four things this year! I'm shocked. Last year, he only ever said "a hedgehog", referring to a specific chocolate that had been in his stocking the year before. If pressed for anything else he wanted, he'd add "a candy cane". It was soooo sweet.


I never tell anyone what to buy (my family does do wish lists, but it's very clear that they're not a list of requirements, yk?). But, I wouldn't appreciate having people mock my kids for not "wanting everything". It's just so incredibly rude, and has nothing to do with the spirit of giving, imo.
I agree with that. In my first reply, I said there are two issues. The first is how she talked about the kids, and she shouldn't talk about them like that, and particularly not in front of them. I just see the gift-giving issue itself as a separate thing. She seems to have trouble wording things appropriately, and I would definitely talk to her about that, because it is just plain not cool. But, on the other hand, she does seem to have her heart in the right place as far as wanting to get something nice for her grandkids, as far as I can tell.
post #39 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
But, on the other hand, she does seem to have her heart in the right place as far as wanting to get something nice for her grandkids, as far as I can tell.
I guess I'm just not getting that from this. I think someone who wanted to get something nice for her grandkids would be interested in what they want. It's not just that she said what she said - it's that she was thinking it.
post #40 of 40
"I know Mom. I've been really trying to teach them to be materialistic but they just aren't getting it!"
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