Four Year Old Daughter Hits and Kicks me when she's angry?????!!!

[festivefeet]

My four year old daughter hits and kicks us when she is angry. She will even say, "Mama, if you don't "......", then I will kick and hit".

I try to hold her until she is calm, but I am not strong enough to hold her for long periods of time. I have tried putting her in her room and closingthe door and sitting on the other side of the door. I will normally tell her when she is calm and kind she can be with me. I am not sure I like this option, I think it creates panic in her.

I feel helpless. I try to help her talk through her feelings and take deep breaths, but she gets into such a fit, she is uncontrollable.

I am feeling so frustrated.

J.

[leaves]

I am not a mama to a 4yo, but I've worked with children, both in and outside of daycares, so I know a little bit how you feel. Here's what I would do...

Set new bounderies sometime when she is in a good mood and not throwing a fit or misbehaving. Tell her that you understand she gets upset, but explain to her how big girls must deal with their feelings, that talking is better, and so on and so forth. When the time comes that she is about to misbehave or get out of hand, warn her once, never more than twice, about her behaviour and remind her of the consiquences; for instance, sitting in a time-out for four minutes. Don't try to talk or reason with her when she is throwing a fit, because she's angry and not thinking clearly and won't take it in - talk with her after she has calmed down. Be very, very consistant. Children are smart, and she will catch on quick if you don't mean what you say. For the first few times she does this after you talk, give her warnings. Then as time goes on, give her no more warnings and go straight to the consequence. When you have warned her once, twice, and she misbehaves a second time, put her in the time-out. If she gets out of time-out, put her right back in. And repeat. Over. And over. Stay calm, and loving, but firm! Eventually, if not after a very long time, she will get the point and stay in time-out, and then you set the timer for four minutes. So, every time she gets out of time-out, the timer is reset. After she has done her time-out, then you talk to her about her actions and how it makes you feel and you love her and you want the both of you to be happy and how she should act next time...and so on and so forth...

I sincerely hope this helps. Consistancy is so very important. I learned with my kids at the preschool that they catch on quick as to whether you are a teacher who is going to give warning after warning and not take any action, or if you mean what you say. When they figure out that you are consistent, they listen! It's like magic..

[festivefeet]

Thank you.

We do utilize time outs, but, like you said, she won't stay there. Normally we say if you can't stay in time out, then someone will have to help you (meaning I or Daddy will sit in the chair with her and help her to sit there). I think I will try what you have suggested....patience on my part will be hard I am sure, she is a determined little thing. I am sure I will be doing it for at least 30 minutes, until she stays. Ugh.

But you are right, as much as it is frustrating and stressful, I need to keep on it.

I am going to try my hardest.

Thank you.
J.

[leaves]

I truly hope that helps. I want to add, if you do try it out, when you have to place her back in TO, don't say anything to her. She will see she's getting attention, and when she's throwing a fit, she'll want any attention. When you put her right back in TO without saying a word, she gets the point and knows you're not playing any games! Believe me, the first time you go through this, it will be tough, but afterwards you will feel GREAT!