How would you cope with a 7 year old who did things like this - Page 2

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Because my dd would never refuse to show it to a gmother or a friend.

Oh. My dd did that all the time with her grandparents . Luckily, she outgrew it!

Originally Posted by One_Girl

Sibling relationships are different, siblings aren't friends and they didn't choose each other and they are often on different developmental levels. I hated it when my mom pushed me to get close to my brother and take on responsibility for his happiness. He was the intruder who my mom had because she wanted a boy. Adult family members tend to be kind and friends are our choice, siblings are annoying and always there taking time and getting better treatment (no matter which child you ask).

Hmmm.....these generalizations don't really work for us. We have "family friends" which include children that are not always dd's choice, but she still has to treat them with respect and kindness (although she does not have to like them). Cousins--same thing. Not always her choice, but she always must be kind and respectful. Classmates, ditto. And, see above: my dd did not always want to be kind and respectful to her (very kind) grandparents .

I don't advocate taking on responsibility for a sibling's happiness. I just don't understand why the same standard of kindness and respect shouldn't be held for siblings.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Oh. My dd did that all the time with her grandparents . Luckily, she outgrew it!



Hmmm.....these generalizations don't really work for us. We have "family friends" which include children that are not always dd's choice, but she still has to treat them with respect and kindness (although she does not have to like them). Cousins--same thing. Not always her choice, but she always must be kind and respectful. Classmates, ditto. And, see above: my dd did not always want to be kind and respectful to her (very kind) grandparents .

I don't advocate taking on responsibility for a sibling's happiness. I just don't understand why the same standard of kindness and respect shouldn't be held for siblings.

Well, there are times when dd hasn't been as kind to her gparents as she could. I can't think of any recent examples, though. That was more when she was 4 and 5, and mostly directed toward my mom, who can be pretty bossy. I guess I probably told her that it would hurt her feelings, or something along those lines.

She wouldn't treat her classmates or guests in the same way she would her brothers. She is just that much more comfortable with them.

But then, I don't really think that not wanting to show someone something, or share a conversation with them, is that incredibly rude! I think it's a little bit rude to butt in, and also a little bit rude to insist that they DO share. So I guess I'm coming from a different place here.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

But then, I don't really think that not wanting to show someone something, or share a conversation with them, is that incredibly rude! I think it's a little bit rude to butt in, and also a little bit rude to insist that they DO share. So I guess I'm coming from a different place here.

Yes, different perspective. To me, it is exclusionary behavior, and rude. It seemed pretty clear cut when dd did this kind of thing, but instead of excluding a sibling (she didn't have a sib until she was 6), she was excluding one child while showing another....or excluding gma while showing me. We didn't force sharing, but did explain that it was inappropriate to bring something private into the group.

I would focus on appropriate ways to show me privately ("Mom, can you come in my room for a minute?").

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Yes, different perspective. To me, it is exclusionary behavior, and rude. It seemed pretty clear cut when dd did this kind of thing, but instead of excluding a sibling (she didn't have a sib until she was 6), she was excluding one child while showing another....or excluding gma while showing me. We didn't force sharing, but did explain that it was inappropriate to bring something private into the group.

I would focus on appropriate ways to show me privately ("Mom, can you come in my room for a minute?").

You know, I think we're on the same page here, now that I hear this and think about it. It kind of sounds like what was going on with your dd and what's going on with the OP's dd are different. And, I think I would require my dd to be more polite to a sibling that was further in age from her. She is already quite a bit more forgiving with her youngest brother, who is almost three. But with the one that is just two years younger, it doesn't pay to get involved. They are really good pals, and they generally work things out. Things do get imbalanced at times, but I have learned through trial and error that correcting one is always seen as favoring the other.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

You know, I think we're on the same page here, now that I hear this and think about it. It kind of sounds like what was going on with your dd and what's going on with the OP's dd are different. And, I think I would require my dd to be more polite to a sibling that was further in age from her. She is already quite a bit more forgiving with her youngest brother, who is almost three. But with the one that is just two years younger, it doesn't pay to get involved. They are really good pals, and they generally work things out. Things do get imbalanced at times, but I have learned through trial and error that correcting one is always seen as favoring the other.

To be clear, dd doesn't do this with her sib. She outgrew the behavior by the time she had a sib. She is very forgiving of her little brother, too. It's sweet

Interesting that it is different with closer in age sibs. I still don't understand, lol, but I obviously don't have experience with that age gap

[webjefita]

Originally Posted by momofmine

When my older one is acting out like that, I cannot imagine telling him to go to his room until he was ready to act a certain way. First, he simply wouldn't do it, and the whole thing would just escalate. Because he is reacting emotionally, and he needs help dealing with big emotions in that moment. I guess some kids respond to the whole idea of having some alone time until they can return themselves to a state of calm, but that is not my child. If I were really upset about something I deemed unfair, unjust, ridiculous, etc, I would not appreciate my husband telling me to go to my room until I could talk nicely about it. That would just fuel me up even more. Since you mentioned you wanted to explore having a different perspective when it happens, have you ever seen the Daily Groove emails? They are a cool way to get a daily recharge of having a different perspective. It is so hard at times to not get angry, and it's not about suppressing you own anger, but about about choosing joy instead and waiting expectantly for what you know can happen. Easier said than done at times, I know! Good luck!

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

ITA! My mantra sometimes is "de-escalate, de-escalate." I love the daily groove about The Oak Tree. I can be an unconditional presence for my children when they're having trouble expressing themselves or handling emotions (jealousy, irritation, want for attention, etc.) .

I know *I* can handle it (the rudeness) without taking it personally, and I know from experience now that I can help that child calm down and find better ways to express their needs, and also help the other child learn not to be a victim. Seeing the older child's behavior as simply "rude" or "antisocial" doesn't help him/her learn that feelings can be worked through, neither does isolating them.

Children need really specific steps and help to get from "stop being rude" to "say what you want." They can't just come up with this on their own. They need to be taught over and over, in low-stress situations. And if they *do* already know how to express their needs in a "nice", fair way, then maybe they are needing something else.

Also one-on-one time really does wonders around here. Every other weekend or so we try to split up the kids and do different things like run errands, go to the library, clean the vehicles, etc. Just give them our full attention for a few hours while they are helping us so they feel wanted and needed in the family.

[webjefita]

And The intended victim of the rage would take great offense at me spending 1-2-1 time with Angry Child.
"Why are you being nice to him and horrible to me?! He was nasty to me so why are You spending time with him?"

Why would you be being horrible to one child because you're being nice to the other? Why the dichotomy?

Don't our children always benefit from us being present with them and supporting them? Because one is expressing anger or frustration, doesn't mean I can't also BE with him, be "nice" (a word with many meanings, here I mean caring and supportive). It doesn't help for me to be angry with him because he's angry.

And I often try to keep the children together when I am supporting them through a tough spot, so they can both see how I support both of them, together, and I am there to help if needed. Unless one is temporarily out of control or using agression, then they need to removed or contained but still supported with calm energy.

And I'm saying that troublesome behavior should be tolerated. I'm saying, if you are accepting of the child while also teaching new ways of getting needs met, the child will be more receptive to those teachings.

Just some ideas, it helps me when I write things out to clarify things for myself.