First time stay at home mom needs advice

[earthlycreative]

Hi. I'm a first time mom and staying home with babe, who is now 10 weeks old. My husband and I have adopted the Attachment Parenting concept: we sleep with her, I wear her as much as possible, she NEVER "cries it out", etc. I don't know that any of that is relevant. My question(s) is this: how do I establish a routine during the day? Is it important? How do I balance letting her lead based on when she's hungry/tired/overstimulated, and giving her some structure? I really feel like she would benefit from a little bit of structure..she's a fairly high-need baby, so I think she's really all over the place anyway. She's super-busy (kicking and flailing all the time, always has) and quite intense. One minute to the next is wildly different. I'd like to start getting out of the house, attending regular LLL meetings, ECFE things, etc. This would, I think, give us time away from the house (I know I need it!) and get us moving in the morning. How much is too much? How much does she really need?

Also: I've just recently relented to putting her in a bouncy chair and a bassinet that has toys dangling over top; before this I was always holding and carrying her, thinking that was the right thing to do. Then I read that she could be getting overstimulated and babies need some time alone (she definitely gets overstimulated very easily). How much time "alone" is enough/too much? And, is it "normal" for baby this age to be tired after being awake for about an hour? She has a pretty set routine in terms of that: she's awake for about an hour, then gets super tired, doesn't go down easy but clearly doesn't want to do anything else, sleeps for about half hour-hour, and wakes up and does it again. Short naps, short wake times. Typical?

First time moms are so annoying, aren't they? ;-)

[Doodlebugsmom]

Hi! Welcome to MDC. There are forums just for SAHMs and parents of babies. You should check them out for sure.

As for a schedule...The only scheduling I did when my babies were that little was we sleep lots at night and are up and about during the day. I would not worry about scheduling at this point. I would let the baby eat and sleep when she wants to. Babies that young sleep A LOT! I would think she'd be less stimulated with you wearing/holding her than if she has toys dangling in front of her. Although, a bouncy seat allowed me to shower and clean a little when I wanted/needed to. If she likes it, let her hang out in it. Or just lay her down in a safe spot if she doesn't object.

Just go with the flow and a routine will probably evolve. 10 weeks is still really, really early to try to establish a routine, IMO. Enjoy your babe! Mine are 5 and almost 8 already!

[AllisonR]

I agree with the PP. As long as your baby is happy, it does not matter how much you are wearing her, or lying looking at toys or whatever. There is no set limit of alone time, or any other time, that babies fit nicely into. Some love to be worn all the time, some never, some somewhere in between. Like everything else, follow your momma's instinct (4 million years of evolution have put it there for a reason), and you and your baby will be fine. Enjoy it. A friend once told me "the days are long but the years are short" - so true. I have a 3 yo and a 5 yo. I think you'd get better replies in the life with a babe forum, as your post is really about babies more than parenting in general.

[zinemama]

If you want to be out and about, don't worry about it - just go. You need to be out of the house and she will adapt.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by zinemama

If you want to be out and about, don't worry about it - just go. You need to be out of the house and she will adapt.

I don't know if it's my kids' temperaments or what, but not having a routine or schedule has been to my advantage, because they were/are very adaptable and just kind of roll with it. With my son, I could stay home with him one day, go to the zoo the next, go grocery shopping the following day, go to a friend's house, etc. He napped when he was tired, in the sling or stroller, and ate when he was hungry, etc. He's 4.5 now and is still incredibly adaptable. He's my little buddy and our many spontaneous day trips to places like Disneyland when he was younger are some of my fondest memories of his toddlerhood.

I have always been a SAHM, but we had to put him in daycare when I was put on bedrest at 29 weeks pregnant. The transition was very smooth and he loved it, but still loves his down time at home.

With DD, she has to be adaptable because DS is in preschool 3 days a week, so every day is something a little different. And while she hated the car until recently, she has always done very well on errands or at home all day.

Do what YOU want to do and enjoy having your baby with you!

[earthlycreative]

Thanks for the prompt replies! I didn't realize there were other forums. I will post there.

Thanks again!

[Dahlea]

I have a high needs baby (well, toddler now) and we never really did a schedule or even a routine. I just let him guide me. When he's tired, he sleeps, when he's hungry, he eats, etc. I never worried about him being overstimulated at that age. I think holding him and wearing him is less stimulating than toys or being alone, imo. Best of luck, it gets easier as you go along!

[JamieCatheryn]

How much time just laying and relaxing a baby needs varies by their age and personality. In arms or sling is fine, and if they're happy with it just somewhere comfy not held is fine too. They'll get fussy for no other reason if they've had too much. Sometimes, and this continues into childhood, they'll cling to whatever they're doing and not want to quit when they've had too much.

As for routines I'd try and keep aware of what the early signs of hunger or tiredness are in each and observe what time of day it happens. I build MY structure around what HE needs. Sometimes it stays predictable for a week or two at a time then shifts, never stays the same very long since growth spurts increase milk and sleep needs and development changes all kinds of things so rapidly. Honestly though, with a sling on, sleeping and eating, resting or engaging, can all happen easily and seamlessly in the midst of almost every activity so no worries.

I get stuff done whenever my littlest is asleep or laying or sitting on his own - this one is content to do that more often than my first, who'd always cry and fuss if I walked away while he was awake.

[Llyra]

In the first four months or so, even if you do establish a routine around baby's needs, the baby's needs change so quickly. Everything you're describing sounds normal-- my kids always seemed to want to sleep again after about an hour to an hour-and-a-half of awake time, which maybe one longer stretch of awake time in the evenings. Those intervals get longer as baby gets older. In the meantime, you may find that if you try to keep baby awake longer, baby gets fussy and overtired.

What you will find, though, is that babies adapt very nicely to whatever you decide YOU need. So if you need to be out, that's fine. Bring baby with you, and baby can sleep on-the-go-- in a carseat, in a sling, in your arms.

Between like four and seven months, you may see regular naptimes emerging. The awake times may lengthen a bit, and the naps, too. At that time, you have a little more predictability in when baby will want to sleep, and baby may start to prefer certain routines around falling asleep.

For now, though, give it time. I'm the biggest believer in structure and routines you'll ever meet, but ten weeks is very early to be thinking about that.

As far as overstimulation--- yeah, I do think infants get overstimulated. Two of my three were kids that seemed to need to be put down for awhile each day, or they got cranky. If you must be out, though, a nice way to reduce stimulation is to put baby facing you in a carrier or sling. I think if you watch your child, she will tell you what she needs. If she starts getting edgy and fussy, or has long crying bouts in the evenings, she may be getting too much, and be getting overtired, and need slower days. If she seems happy, then you know you're doing fine.

[earthlycreative]

All very good advice, and pretty much confirms for me that I have been over-thinking things. I have a tendency to do that anyway. I will continue to let her guide our days, and start a few routines when the time is right. Until then, I'll be patient and trust that she'll continue to let me know what she needs. As has been mentioned here, my pediatrician also said, once we've established a "routine", she'll change it up due to development and personality anyway, so best not to rely too much on that for a while. Guess I'm needing more structure in my life than I thought, and was on the verge of imposing that upon her. Nothing is more important than her development, and I have to keep that in mind. With that comes unpredictable days and I need to be adaptable to that. I needed the reminders!

Well, now I'm just rambling. Anyway, thanks everyone!

[melodyka]

I think since you are craving more "structure", it is definitely possible to get that and still listen to your baby's needs & cues. something that is a loose "routine" rather than a "schedule" worked well for us in the early days (and sometimes if it didn't work out, I had to be flexible)

-wakeup
-nurse
-shower & get dressed (maybe she can go in bouncy seat)
-you eat while wearing her or if she is happy doing tummy time
-nurse again
-head out for a daily walk or meet with other moms with infants (LLL could be perfect or a local new moms group)

I always found that I wanted to get out of the house for a little while each day whether it was a trip to the coffee shop, a nice walk, or meeting with friends/family. By showering and getting dressed rather than hanging out in sweats all day, I felt much better. I also found that my daughter was usually happy in the carrier since she could turn off the outside world and go to sleep, nurse or just cuddle. I don't think my daughter ever NEEDED to be in a bouncy seat or swing, but if I needed to do something without holding her, it was a possible solution. Maybe tummy-time would be a nice alternative to give her some "space", but I do think that if a young baby is feeling overstimulated, most likely he/she would escape by sleeping.

good luck & enjoy this precious time with your little girl

[Carhootel]

I agree with all the PP but also wanted to add my two cents

It was around 4 months for me that ds started to have a consistent rythm, it was hard waiting to get there but everyone said it would emerge and it did. I am someone who thrives on routine so it was hard those first few months/weeks for me to be so unpredictable. One thing that helped me was not to expect routine from ds but to stick to one myself and let him adapt. That has worked well and around that 4 month period he fell into mine some and I adapted to fit his emerging rhythm. As a family our rhythm changes with new developments and sleep variations (dropped naps, etc.) but it worked well for ME to have routine. Around 6-8 weeks I started making sure I took ds out in the sun early in the morning and to expose him to the darkness at night, wether outside or just turning our lights much lower. I really think this helped us to solidify the difference in daytime and nighttime behavior. Not to say it helped a ton with sleep but he definitely knows nighttime and knows that's when we wind down.

Some days I let him call the shots completely - when to nap, when to spend 2 hours playing on the floor, etc.. Other days I need to run the show for my own sanity so we go and do what I need to do and he can sleep in the sling or car, nurse and ride along with me on everything I need to do. Giving myself permission to let him adapt to my schedule has been very important for us.

Hope that helps! and welcome to MDC!

[Mama2Jesse]

Originally Posted by Carhootel

I agree with all the PP but also wanted to add my two cents

It was around 4 months for me that ds started to have a consistent rythm, it was hard waiting to get there but everyone said it would emerge and it did. I am someone who thrives on routine so it was hard those first few months/weeks for me to be so unpredictable. One thing that helped me was not to expect routine from ds but to stick to one myself and let him adapt. That has worked well and around that 4 month period he fell into mine some and I adapted to fit his emerging rhythm. As a family our rhythm changes with new developments and sleep variations (dropped naps, etc.) but it worked well for ME to have routine. Around 6-8 weeks I started making sure I took ds out in the sun early in the morning and to expose him to the darkness at night, wether outside or just turning our lights much lower. I really think this helped us to solidify the difference in daytime and nighttime behavior. Not to say it helped a ton with sleep but he definitely knows nighttime and knows that's when we wind down.

Some days I let him call the shots completely - when to nap, when to spend 2 hours playing on the floor, etc.. Other days I need to run the show for my own sanity so we go and do what I need to do and he can sleep in the sling or car, nurse and ride along with me on everything I need to do. Giving myself permission to let him adapt to my schedule has been very important for us.

Hope that helps! and welcome to MDC!

Yes, this.

Too, she will get easier. At 12 weeks for me, I felt human again and baby had stopped nursing everytime I turned around.

Just follow your heart, mama. She will let you know if she is unhappy or needs something, but mostly, she'll be content tucked into a sling or dozing in her carseat. I think it's good for babies to go out some and see new faces, hear new voices.

[Amandala]

Earthlycreative,

It's so true about first-time moms. Nine months later, I'm still annoying myself!

[marrymeflyfree]

To echo everyone else...we did not worry too much with routines and schedules in the early months with older daughter - and that made things sooo much easier for us, I think! Basically she slept when she was tired, nursed when she was hungry, was held as much as she (or I!) needed or wanted. In time, her own natural rhythms sorted themselves out. She fell into a very predictable napping pattern. As she ate more solids and nursed somewhat less, her mealtimes became fairly regular. Now, at 17 months, she can get a bit cranky if her normal nap time is altered..getting her to bed at night can be tough if we sleep too late in the mornings, etc. I long for the days when things were much more loose, to be honest! It was much easier for my LO to adapt to the variability in my own day to day and to traveling before she got herself so regimented. So my two cents says to enjoy it while you've got it!

[Shanelovr]

i didn't read all the prev reply's but, i'd just go about my day, do the things i need to get done(ie: clean, cook, laundry, shopping) and as you do that for a few days you will learn what she needs in terms of a schedule. she will queue you in to when she needs a nap, to be nursed, changed. don't try to force a routine on her, it'll just make you both miserable. for example: ds wakes up at around 8a and is up for about 15min, poops, diaper change, back to sleep. wakes around 930a, i clean, eat breakfast, about 1130a its down for a nap. same everyday, and i didn't schedule a thing. Good luck.

[Thandiwe]

To be honest, we didn't really get onto much of a schedule until ds2 was born two years later. We just rolled with everything and did whatever. He slept by me and slept great whenever I did, which varied by the day. Nothing was scheduled, which was nice.

It wasn't until second baby was born that I felt we needed a schedule. It was harder to keep things together and keep my sanity with two kids and no schedule. By three, we run on schedule, but still loosely since I'm a sahm.

Don't sweat it too much. Let your baby run the schedule by own needs, and try to tune into baby's needs for time alone and time wrapped/held. Most of all, enjoy this! The first baby is a lot different from subsequent babies. Things are more laid back and easier to pick up and go since there's only one. Try to relax and enjoy it...it will pass quicker than you can imagine!

[Whistler]

My LO is seven weeks and I just follow his cues completely. If he fusses I go through the list: fresh diaper, feed, etc. Then when all is well, I let him sit on my lap (like right now) and just look around or if I need to do something for the older two, he is either in the sling or his bouncy chair.

He usually needs to be swaddled and sleep for little short cat-naps throughout the day. Every day is different though and I just listen to his needs. If he is happy, then we just hang out and snuggle. He's good at telling me when he is hungry or tired or wet.

ETA: I go about my own daily routine though. The older kids have a rhythm we follow. If I am busy and the baby fusses, I stop and care for him, then keep going with him in the sling or whatever. When we go out, we go out and I just care for him when we're out the same as I do at home.

[Blueone]

The routine is what the baby needs at the moment. But I'd wait until he was fed and then go out sometimes. He'd fall asleep in the carrier and that worked really well. In time they will develop a clear routine and even then it may suddenly change. That's just the life of an infant The one routine I threw in was a bath every night around the time my son got fussy. I swear he now gets fussy just for a bath.

As for over stimulation, they will let you know when it's at that point by fussing. I don't think holding them too much is over stimulation if they are happy. My son loves being held, especially when we take walks. He does not like the stroller at all. He also didn't really get into play mats or anything like that until he was about 2 months. Up until that point he wanted to be held. Even now he doesn't spend much time on the play mat. He can be a demanding child.

Anyways, what helped for me was not reading parenting books. I might scan through a Dr. Sears one every so often, but in general they just stressed me out and made me question what I was doing instead of listening to myself. It takes time, but listen to yourself and trust your instinct! Oh, a good book though is The Happiest Baby on the Block! It talked a bit about routines.

[Pookietooth]

I have one ds already, who is six, and am having a hard time getting out. DD is only three weeks, but the main problem is she screams in her carseat if I try to take her antwhere, and doesn't sleep well the rest of the day. DS loved the carseat and would pass out right away. This is very frustrating!