PLEASE Help with 9yr old failing tests and I'm feeling like a complete failure

[ohiomommy1122]

So my 9 yr old / 4th grader has failed the last 2 history and math tests, he is smart he is just being lazy most times, he wont stop to think about what the question is asking him he just glances it over and throws an answer on paper, but if I verbally go over it with him he gets the answer right. I have 3 other littles ones ages 3, 2, and 4 months that are getting neglected because my 9 year old is taking up ALL my time. I do not have the time to hold his hand all day during his school work he is old enough to be able to read directions and follow them, he can if I verbally ask him. I'm just sooooooooooooooooo burnt out He literally does school work ALL day long he does eveything BUT his work it toook him 2.5 hours of sitting alone in a quite room to do a 20 min math test he would just prefer to sit there and do nothing than his work I have tried to explain to him that he wil have soooooooooo much free time if he justs focues on his work he would be done with ALL his work in 2.5 hours. I. SO STRESSTED I just cant do it anymore then he cries when he fails his tests and says things like he is the dumbest, worst kid in the world


I just do not know what to do I'm at the end of my rope here and I'm gonna snap really seriuosly. We are taking all next week off to hopefully re foucus and start up again with out these problems but I do not think it will work.

Please please please help me I'm good mom and he is a good kid but latley all I seem to do is scream and cry because I feel I'm failing my children I'm not dealing with my stress well and just feel like such a failure I can't help ut talk it personally when he fails somthing


sorry about all the typos anmd run on sentances my 4 month old is on my lap and very wigglyELP

[Smithie]

Hmmmm. If he dislikes failing the tests and wants that to change, he may be open to some simple tricks to increase focus - like timed tests. Or even an entire schedule for the day written out. Rather than standing over him, you could set a timer call up to him when it's time to switch subjects - then look it over at the end of the day and see how much he got done. If it's similar to what he gets done when he spends all day sucking up 100% of your time and energy....

And this may just be my kid's own temperament but... but we do school in the morning and have lunch when we're one. If we're not done, it's not lunchtime. I didn't plan this as a coercive move and he doesn't view this as coercion - he thinks it's the natural order of the universe You might hand your kid a test sheet at 11:45 and say "when you're done, bring it down and I'll correct it while you have your sandwich."

[ohiomommy1122]

I've tried timed lessons and he will just sit there and do nothing or only a few problems then turn it in to me

[LionTigerBear]

I loved the book "A Call To Brilliance". The most important thing is that the child enjoys learning. If he isn't enjoying what you are doing, he isn't being bad and lazy-- he just doesn't like it. So, scrap it and find something he does like. I'd deschool him while you read the book I recommended and let him have some decompression time to just relax and learn to love life again. I would set a limit on things like video games and TV, if that is an issue, and have him still help out with chores, but other than that let him choose what he does with his time. The woman in a "A Call To Brilliance" had a son in private schools who was supposedly slow and wasn't good at academic work-- when she pulled him out and home schooled him in a very relaxed, almost unschooling way, he flourished and later went on to get a Ph.D. Children don't need to be educated. They just need to be inspired.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by ohiomommy1122

...if I verbally go over it with him he gets the answer right.

Why does he have to take the tests then? Couldn't this be enough?

he is old enough to be able to read directions and follow them,

Regardless of his age, it seems that his ACTIONS are telling you that he's NOT able to do this right now. I would find it hard to believe that he's making himself miserable on purpose.

...then he cries when he fails his tests and says things like he is the dumbest, worst kid in the world

This is very sad. One of the biggest advantages of homeschooling is that you can make it fit the child rather than trying to make the child fit the system. You could turn this around and, rather than ask how to change your child, ask how can you change the materials and the way you expect him to learn in order to afford your child the greatest success and happiness.

There are sooo many ways to learn, don't let yourself get locked into one system--especially if it's failing so badly.

Taking some time off sounds like a good idea, but I think you're right in that it will take more than that--most likely, if you go back to the same way you'll get the same result.

I'm sure that 9 seems "older" because you have younger kids at home, but 9 is still pretty young. My own kids at 9 would never had sat alone in a room doing work like that--they wanted interaction and my involvement and they needed to MOVE.

Do your little ones nap? Could you have a friend/babysitter/mother's helper, etc. come to engage them while you do things with your oldest? Could you have less "schoolwork" and more hands-on projects, games, etc.? Does he like to listen to books on tape?

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by ohiomommy1122

So my 9 yr old / 4th grader has failed the last 2 history and math tests, he is smart he is just being lazy most times, he wont stop to think about what the question is asking him he just glances it over and throws an answer on paper, but if I verbally go over it with him he gets the answer right.

The perception that a child is being "lazy" is something quite often projected by parents in cases where there's actually something else going on - in other words, it's often misperception that laziness is a factor. Sometimes it might actually be a bit of dyslexia or vision skill problems, for instance. Or it can be a simple matter of using materials and methods that don't appeal to the child's sense of learning. A child has no real motivation to be "lazy" if doing so is causing him to have to be stuck over lessons all day.

I'd completely drop the tests and see if you can find some ways in which he learns more easily and enjoyably - the damage this current situation is causing is doing a lot more harm than good. As Joan pointed out, there's no reason to be doing the tests anyway - he shows you that he knows the material when you ask verbally, so what's the point? And my child would have been miserable sitting off on his own doing schoolwork too - especially if there had been younger siblings in the house who got to play and do what they wanted.

The book that LionTigerBear recommends sound wonderful! And some healing decompression time could make a world of difference for both of you. He probably has lost touch with the fact that learning can be enjoyable, because he's been working in a way that doesn't suit his needs.

You have your hands full - it's not as if you're not putting in full time work at taking the best care possible of all of them - but it seems as if this would be an important time for the 9 yr. old to be able to take some serious time off from the rut he's been in and spend these wintery months doing things that will nurture his spirit more - crafts, building, playing, baking, vegging out in whatever way he's drawn to, and having a chance to spend more positive time with his mom. While you're both decompressing, you can do some reading for ideas about new ways of dealing with all this (books about homeschooling and learning) and look into some more holistic learning materials such as those FUN-Books catalog has chosen for encouraging a lifelong love of learning. It doesn't take texts with tests to provide good learning - and it's clearly not working. Here's a good, thought provoking article by Alfie Kohn - Getting Hit on the Head Lessons.

- Lillian

[AAK]

Perhaps (if you need a test score for reporting or whatever) you could actually administer the tests orally. He doesn't even need to sit for that, he could bounce on a tramp and give you answers to the history test.

I feel for you though--my nine year old is a handful right now too.

[bobandjess99]

There has been some great advice given.
I'd stop.
What you are doing is NOT WORKING for your family.
Instead of pushing through and being miserable, change what you are doing.
Is it just math, or other subjects? If ti's mostly just math, maybe now isn't the time for math. Maybe ...March? would be a good time for math?
If it seems to be everything, I'd say you method of homeschooling isn't working. Instead of texts and test or whetever curriculum you are using, mayve you need to do it differently.
Perhaps more hands on or physical activity? Perhaps a computer-based learning program?
Right now, my dd's homeschooling is comprised of swimming and gymnastics classes, playing starfall, webkinzworld, jump start and the games at nickjr.com and pbskids.org, playing with her little brother, using her VSmile game, helping in the kitchen and around the house, and doing some practice workbooks and flash cards she likes. That isn't what her education looked like 2 months ago, and i'm sure not what it will look like two months from now. But for right now, it's working really well.

[ohiomommy1122]

thank you all fr your input,

he is dyslexic and caused many problems learning to read and do math in the beginning but we worked past that and things were much better but now all of a suddon there are issues could dyslexia be causing a problem again or maybe just bad curriculum choices right now. Maybe I need to find a new math curric

thanks everyone

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by ohiomommy1122

he is dyslexic and caused many problems learning to read and do math in the beginning but we worked past that and things were much better but now all of a suddon there are issues could dyslexia be causing a problem again or maybe just bad curriculum choices right now. Maybe I need to find a new math curric

In view of what you've said, it seems quite possible that the dyslexia could be involved. But I didn't realize this was all of a sudden - has something changed in his routine other than the new baby? Can it be that the growing needs the baby has for your time and energy are contributing to his frustration? He has three little siblings who are so much younger than him - can that be part of this?

I just reread your first post and noticed the part where you said he could be done with his work in 2.5 hours if he just focused. That's a pretty long time in itself - my guess would be that much of it is not necessary in order to learn the subjects it covers. I'd definitely take a look at the curriculum you're using - and consider paring down to core essentials, picking inspiring materials from various sources and letting him explore more interesting materials about things that interest him. Whatever he's doing now is just grinding him down and giving him a negative take on math and other things.

There are lots of decent math curricula - he could be doing hands-on activities, for one thing. I'd stop right now to allow for some relaxed and healing decompression time - and take your time looking into other things during that time. Ron Davis' Gift of Dyslexia site has a discussion forum where you could get some ideas too. Do take a look through that FUN-Books site - they specialize in materials they feel can instill a love of learning. And here's a very helpful thread here in MDC where quite a few parents discuss and review the math materials they've used: Let's Talk Math.


You might want to read a few different takes on dyslexia - Notes on Dyslexia, Dyslexia - A Gift? And I'd also consider the possibility that he might be having vision skill problems, something that's often undiagnosed and sometimes confused with dyslexia since symptoms are so similar. You can have 20/20 vision and still have difficulties with processing - there's a link to information about it in the second article.

Do keep us posted. - Lillian

[mom2ponygirl]

Dyslexia can have long term effects on output, particularly writing. Google dysgraphia and see if anything about that fits. The dyslexia can really cause issues with word problems, skipping little words like not or and can change the whole meaning. I'd sit with him in math and show him how to highlight or underline important words or parts of problems. Don't expect him to do it on his own for quite sometime, but it will eventually become a habit.

I found that my daughter at age 9 really wanted/needed to discuss and talk things over with me. She was also showing some of the same issues of missing stuff on written work but showing great understanding otherwise. I finally decided to let go of my perception that she needed to be able to produce much written work. I concentrated on whether she got the concepts and worked on her ability to articulate them to me by asking gentle questions. During this time she began to write much more on her own, participating in NaNoWriMo and just producing lots of story beginnings (not many finished though!). Now at 11, she can whip out a multi-page essay in no time! I would expect your son with his dyslexia issues to be slower picking up that particular skill. I'd also encourage him to type as much as possible.

I agree with encouraging the love of learning again. Let him share his knowledge in the way he can now. Being able to articulate his math problems or other curriculum will make learning to write those ideas so much easier. I think it is one of those situations where taking it slow in the beginning actually gets you to where you want to be faster in the long run.

Good luck!

[AAK]

And now that you mention dyslexia, I have to once again provide a link to my new favorite yahoo group. . .

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dyslexiasupport2/

they are soooooo helpful there.

Amy

[Tjej]

I don't homeschool yet, so feel very free to take my ideas with a grain of salt...

Have you had his eyes checked recently?

Would giving him a good hour of physical play/work first thing help him?

Tjej

[simple living mama]

My nine, now eleven, year old boy pretty much got a years worth of me reading to him and not a lot more yet so much more. I picked really good books, mostly Newberry prize winning books and we got lost in them. He learned so much that year! His geography is so much better since we always had our atlas near by. His reading improved since he was snug up against me following the words I presume. We read about historical events that opened up a world of questions and thought. He started writing short stories on his own because his head was swimming with visions and ideas from all the books we read.

Try something fresh with your child. It's your big chance to get away from what school does and tailor to his likes and learning style.

[Lillian J]

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simple living mama wrote:
"My nine, now eleven, year old boy pretty much got a years worth of me reading to him and not a lot more yet so much more. I picked really good books, mostly Newberry prize winning books and we got lost in them. He learned so much that year! His geography is so much better since we always had our atlas near by. His reading improved since he was snug up against me following the words I presume. We read about historical events that opened up a world of questions and thought. He started writing short stories on his own because his head was swimming with visions and ideas from all the books we read.

Try something fresh with your child. It's your big chance to get away from what school does and tailor to his likes and learning style."

@>--->---->------>-----------

That just made me feel good all over. And it's a lot like what happened at our house, except for the spontaneous writing part - my son was 13 before he was motivated to write much, but then he really took off. We did explore math in various ways, but not in the way of an ongoing formal curriculum - which I think is a lot of why he had confidence and competence when he studied it more formally later. - Lillian