Help me stop getting irritated/raising my voice with my kids

[nycgrrl]

I have come a long way with my anger issues, but I have a ways to go. I still raise my voice with my eldest (7 yo) and have occasionally smacked him (not hard) which I always vow to never do again, but it almost happens instinctively when he's rude or back talking. I am trying to incorporate meditation into my day, and I practice yoga and try and care for my body by eating well.

I know it's in part genetic, as my mom had a short temper with me, but I still need more work (I guess we're all works in progress). I would love books that help me focus on gentle discipline with my 7 yo (who is really a wonderful kid overall, but can get back talky and sometimes doesn't listen even when I say things 5 x).

Am I being too controlling? Probably. And then when he doesn't listen, I feel "out of control", and that makes me angry. So obviously, it's my problem, not his. I think for me, my control issues relate to my perfectionist issues, my feeling that if things don't go just the right way, I am in some way a failure. For example, dining out at a restaurant, and DS starts to get a little rowdy at the table--not excessively-and I give him my 'fierce voice' about sitting respectfully at the table when dining out. I feel on one level that's okay, but on another level, it is one edge of my perfectionism--the others at the table have commented that he's acting 'just fine'. So somehow I am perceiving misbehaviour when it's really just a boy being a boy.

I think I am super sensitive to being judged by others when my kids misbehave, and take too much pride in them when people say I have 'good, smart kids". I mean, they're not my property, they're their own beings, so I don't think having 'pride' in them is the right attitude. I can be happy when their happy, happy for their accomplishments if it makes them happy....

Growing up, I was a competitive tennis player, and my mom took excessive 'pride' in my winnings. In some way my successes defined her. I don't want to feel as though my kids are a reflection of me, but yet...i DO feel that!

How can i let this go, and thereby hopefully let go of some of my anger when they're not fitting into the mold of how i want them to behave?

I have read a lot of Alfie Cohn's work, and lots of gentle discipline stuff and it truly resonates with me. But MAN! it's hard to overcome what I learned growing up, and to resist the siren call of what our culture expects of children.

Please help me re-orient my thinking, and recalibrate my approach to my kids. Thank you.

[Just1More]

I am a perfectionist. Rather, I used to be. Now my house is a mess, and my kids can be wild...but I, for the most part, don't get stressed anymore. I remind myself of the following:

1.) My perfectionsim stems from a fear of not being perfect. Not being exact and perfect equals not being correct equals not being accepted. But that's wrong, and the wrong lesson for my kids. So, I work really hard not to let go of being a perfectionist, but to let go of FEAR.

2.) To let go of fear, first I have to decide what I am fearing. Is it a long-term attitude in my children? Is it the opinion of others? Is it something underlying, like the sickness or death of my children, something I can't control? Is it personal embarrassment?

3.) Then, after I isolate why I am afraid, I deal with it. I am a Christian, so I repent of my fear, and ask for love to replace the fear. ("Pefect love casts out fear'"). Then, I address the issue. If it is the opinion of others, if I find I still care about that, I speak with them. If it's an attitude of my children, then I remember that I can't fix that in a day, it's the sum total of their rearing that matters...I have 18 years to get my point across. If it's their health or the like, it causes me to stop and just enjoy the moment...time is fleeting.

4.) But, now that this thought pattern has become a habit, I can quickly see (usually...I am human ), that my initial reaction (unreasonable reaction) is a problem within ME, and not a problem with my children. So, like I said, I deal with that, and then I find I usually don't even care to the same extent about whatever it was that was infuriating me. I am in a peaceful mental state deal with the issue of the moment.

Hth.

[nycgrrl]

Thank you for your insightful post. I do think fear underlies it all, and I am digging, digging, digging to find out what that fear is. I think it's a fear that I am a sham, that I am not what I appear to be, and I don't want the secret to get out

What am I? On the outside, it seems I am a capable homeschooling mama to 2 boys, love crafting, love being with them (all true), generally discipline appropriately. On the inside, I see that I am trying to control my kids more than I think I should, but I am unclear where the line should be drawn. I am fascinated by Alfie Cohn and his school of thought, but have not been able to implement it, nor do I think I am capable (yet?). I do think kids need some boundaries (that's my personal philosophy, and I would never judge anyone who was more lenient/open-minded with their kids). I believe in bedtimes, I believe in chores, I believe in respect towards friends and guests. I feel that as a mother my job is to instill these values into my children in an open-minded, rspectful way. For example, if my son says "ewww, disgusting" when I give him dinner, I explain clearly how that hurts my feelings, and even if its' "true' that he feels dinner is disgusting, he needs to understand that it hurts my feelings. (That's just an example). When he cleans his room, he finds long-lost toys that he loves, and I explain that when you keep your room tidy, it's easier to keep track of the toys/books etc that you enjoy, plus it's respectful to the item itself to take care of it.

So as you see, there are rules LOL.

But where is the line to be drawn, I think is my quest. I am friends with many unschooling/undisciplining moms, and am impressed by them, truly impressed, at their faith in their children. That their children will eventually 'get it' (get what exactly I don't know) because sometimes their behavior, to be frank, is appalling. OTOH, I have my childhood: strict, rules, many arbitrary, top down approach. I am trying to find a balance between these two: i have rules, but I talk about them with my kids, and they are definitely up for negotiation if my kids have something they want to say about them. I do ask them to help clean up after meals, but I explain why, we work as a family, we're "in this togeter" and mama gets tired if she has to do everything herself (this is my way of protecting my own sanity--i can't do everything. period.)

So again, I am trying to suss out the line between overly permissive (to my eyes--not judging if it works for you ) and rules for the sake of rules, and it feels like the endless tightrope walk that I will NEVER master. And of course, there the losing of the temper that happens because I feel I am trying to find that course and failing.

[mama*pisces]

Originally Posted by nycgrrl

Thank you for your insightful post. I do think fear underlies it all, and I am digging, digging, digging to find out what that fear is. I think it's a fear that I am a sham, that I am not what I appear to be, and I don't want the secret to get out

What am I? On the outside, it seems I am a capable homeschooling mama to 2 boys, love crafting, love being with them (all true), generally discipline appropriately. On the inside, I see that I am trying to control my kids more than I think I should, but I am unclear where the line should be drawn. I am fascinated by Alfie Cohn and his school of thought, but have not been able to implement it, nor do I think I am capable (yet?). I do think kids need some boundaries (that's my personal philosophy, and I would never judge anyone who was more lenient/open-minded with their kids). I believe in bedtimes, I believe in chores, I believe in respect towards friends and guests. I feel that as a mother my job is to instill these values into my children in an open-minded, rspectful way. For example, if my son says "ewww, disgusting" when I give him dinner, I explain clearly how that hurts my feelings, and even if its' "true' that he feels dinner is disgusting, he needs to understand that it hurts my feelings. (That's just an example). When he cleans his room, he finds long-lost toys that he loves, and I explain that when you keep your room tidy, it's easier to keep track of the toys/books etc that you enjoy, plus it's respectful to the item itself to take care of it.

So as you see, there are rules LOL.

But where is the line to be drawn, I think is my quest. I am friends with many unschooling/undisciplining moms, and am impressed by them, truly impressed, at their faith in their children. That their children will eventually 'get it' (get what exactly I don't know) because sometimes their behavior, to be frank, is appalling. OTOH, I have my childhood: strict, rules, many arbitrary, top down approach. I am trying to find a balance between these two: i have rules, but I talk about them with my kids, and they are definitely up for negotiation if my kids have something they want to say about them. I do ask them to help clean up after meals, but I explain why, we work as a family, we're "in this togeter" and mama gets tired if she has to do everything herself (this is my way of protecting my own sanity--i can't do everything. period.)

So again, I am trying to suss out the line between overly permissive (to my eyes--not judging if it works for you ) and rules for the sake of rules, and it feels like the endless tightrope walk that I will NEVER master. And of course, there the losing of the temper that happens because I feel I am trying to find that course and failing.

Wow. This is really resonating with me.

I feel like I have been unreasonable with my 3 yo lately, and just today something that I have read and have kinda known theoretically just kinda clicked: that I create the atmosphere for the kind of day we're going to have.

But of course, it's a little hard to create the ideal atmosphere you want when you have a new baby and are seriously lacking sleep....

I have been miserable lately with my oldest, and really at my wits end. It started to become a cycle....he acted out, I screamed, he screamed back and pretty much continued on his merry little way, and I found myself forcing him into time outs and such. Just, not the mom that I want to be, at all. But being alone all day with him, and our new baby, and being SO frustrated at the state of our house....it all created a snowball effect, and I took it out on him. I know I've been expecting too much of him, because "he knows better". But he is still so young...

This morning I told him that if I should start yelling at any time throughout the day, to remind me to whisper instead. He found that funny, and surprisingly enough, I didn't yell today.

Anyway, not trying to thread-hijack, just wanted to say I see where you are coming from, and that I am also trying to figure our exactly where to draw that line...I am also a work in progress.