Help with pushy MIL

[mamamillet]

Please help me strategize how NOT to engage MIL when she gives me unwanted advice and opinions. It should be simple enough but I find myself defending and explaining and then just fuming...tia

[Phoebe]

Do we have the same MIL??

[dislocator3972]

MDC mamas have LOTS of good one-liners for this. I like the classic: "Thanks, we're happy doing things this way."

[PoppyMama]

"huh, interesting"
"sounds like that worked out well for you"
"isn't funny how different things work for different people"
"that might be something to try"
"_____is working out well for us. It's great that there are so many ways to do things"
"there's more than one way to skin a cat"

The advice has never bothered me much but I guess I'm pretty detached from it.

[mamamillet]

Nope, and I know this cause this woman is soooo pushy that her other son doesn't speak with her anymore--over 10 years. But its good to know that I am not the only mama dealing with a difficult MIL.

[RiverSky]

"Thank you for caring, but this is our child and our time to parent. I'm sure you felt the same when your children were young."

[mamamillet]

Her advice is always prefaced with some "concern". Right now she is concerned that her son is not sleeping well. Which is true but it has nothing to do with the babe nopt sttn but everything to do with his drinking and falling asllep with the TV on.

[zinemama]

"Thanks for your concern." Period. Repeat. Do not engage.

If it goes on too long, you might say,

"MIL, I've always wondered: did your MIL have a lot of concerns about you and your family? Did you appreciate that?"

[texaspeach]

Originally Posted by mamamillet

Her advice is always prefaced with some "concern". Right now she is concerned that her son is not sleeping well. Which is true but it has nothing to do with the babe nopt sttn but everything to do with his drinking and falling asllep with the TV on.

wait.. she's concerned about HER son as in your DH nt sleeping well and is blaming it on the baby. But in reality it's his own stuff getting in the way of a good night sleep? Tell her to talk to HIM about it.

[jenniferadurham]

Crashing!

I am so sorry to do this...it has NOTHING to do with the post. However...as I'm reading this I'm thinking "did I read this already? No, I didn't" ...I'm TOTALLY having a DEJA VU! The weird part...is that I dreampt about this when I was pg OVER a year ago! WEIRD!


OK, sorry...back to your regular scheduled program.

[UptownZoo]

"Oh, DIL, did you know that thus and such and this and that and the baby will be scarred forever if you don't x and y before a and b?"

"Interesting. I saw on the news last night..."

"Interesting. I heard at church last week..."

"Interesting. Have you seen...?"

"Interesting. Did you hear about the...?"

And if all else fails... "Interesting. Would you please pass the bean dip?"

Do. not. engage. If you go on the defensive, you keep her on the offensive. Just nod, smile, and change the subject.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by mamamillet

Please help me strategize how NOT to engage MIL when she gives me unwanted advice and opinions. It should be simple enough but I find myself defending and explaining and then just fuming...tia

I wish I could help, but clearly we are clones in an alternate time warp.

I can only console you with the reality that IF you have future children, you will be able to quickly shut her up with "Well, I seem to have done alright with the first one... so I'm gonna stick with what's working for me."

Of course, mine are 4 years apart... so I had a long wait. In the meantime, I briefly tried to pause in thought after she said something. To her, it looked like I was taking in what she was saying and thinking about it. In fact, she--thinking she'd roped me into her idea--would go on talking/selling me on whatever it was. I, on the other hand, would try to picture how horrible what she was telling me was. This really didn't fare well for me because I'd end up either laughing or getting a look on my face of complete "OMG... are you KIDDING" (you know that look--very crinkly). It went over like a lead balloon.

I'm not sure it helps, but my MIL was so horrible that dh & I landed in marriage counseling. The counselor promptly informed him that it was his job to play ambassador to his family. Dh would pawn it off on "that's how she is" and just let me "suffer" (not really the right word exactly, but you know what I mean) with it. It was easier for him that way because his mom was such a behemoth.

Can your husband step in? 'Cause a comment or two from him will carry WAY more weight toward shutting her up than anything you can do.

[mags]

I just go, "uh huh" and do my own thing. Let it go in one ear and out the other. I don't care if mil gets offended, she's actually a very rude and pushy person in general, so if it is noticeable that I am not too thrilled, that's ok, b/c she is one of those ppl who does not get the hint when you try to be subtle about it. If she gets really pushy about it, I have my DH intervene. It's his mother, why should I deal with grief from her? I deal with enough grief from my own mother.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by UptownZoo

"Oh, DIL, did you know that thus and such and this and that and the baby will be scarred forever if you don't x and y before a and b?"

"Interesting. I saw on the news last night..."

"Interesting. I heard at church last week..."

"Interesting. Have you seen...?"

"Interesting. Did you hear about the...?"

And if all else fails... "Interesting. Would you please pass the bean dip?"

Do. not. engage. If you go on the defensive, you keep her on the offensive. Just nod, smile, and change the subject.

THIS.

Don't engage, don't defend, don't even discuss any choices that are none of her business. That's what she wants, to get into a back-and-forth about it. It's none of her business. Just change the subject until she gets the point. If she's going on about how "concerned" she is, just say "really? Well, I think we'll be okay. [change subject]".