Too busy and about to lose my mind

[allborntogrow]

Hi all, I am feeling really unsupported and as if no one understands me lately so before I have a nervous breakdown . . .

1) I am a mom to 2 boys, ages 15 months and 6 years
2) I work full time *plus* at a unbelievably stressful job which I hate
3) I am a full time student
4) Hubby works opposite shifts from me

I am in my second year of school. My university does not offer a part time option. I hate my job but I can't get another one making even close to what I make without a degree. Hence the school . . . I am under pressure all day, every day. I usually work a 6 day week and come home just in time to say bye to my hubby, take care of the kids until they go to bed, then it's homework the rest of the evening until I head to bed for a very broken night's sleep (the baby still wakes frequently).

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't continue another day like this. It all seems like a losing battle at this point. If I stop school, I'm stuck in the job I despise for even longer. I can't quit my job or take an huge paycut because I provide the majority of the income and the health benefits. Hubby can't do anything else because we don't have childcare.
I am beyond miserable, my house is a disaster, I never get to spend any time with my children nor do I even feel like I get a moment's rest. I don't know what to do.

Who has been here before? Tell me it worked out okay!!!

[JElaineB]

I'm an academic advisor at a large state university and I would never, ever advise a student to work full-time and go to school full-time. Sorry. That's not to say some don't do that against my advice, but the ones who seem to make it work are not parents to young children. For your well-being, both mental and physical, you need to cut back on either school or work. If you truly can't cut back on school because of location (i.e., no other schools around) or the program you are in then you really need to cut back on work. Does your university offer health insurance for students? That would be an alternative to your job providing the health insurance. Have you checked to see if your university offer child care subsidies for student parents (if cost is the reason you are not using child care)? Have you taken out student loans? If you haven't they would be a way to supplement your household income and perhaps allow you to work less hours at a less stressful job. I hope things work out for you.

[josybear]

hey there
i'm in a similar boat. i'm in school full time, and a full time single parent to 2 kids, 2 and 4. and i work part time. it feels straight-up impossible, often. i'm always cutting corners and stealing time, and i'm never caught up. i'm missing out on my kids being little, i'm missing out on enjoying my life... it sucks. so, yeah, i sympathise 100%.

is your baby nightweaned? nightweaning and sleeping with a physical barrier between you and he (so he doesn't sense you there and wake up) has done some good for the nightwakings around here. there are still nightwakings, but less.
could your partner take over nighttime parenting? he's "only" working, not in school, so he needs the sleep slightly less. your first few nights sleeping away from baby (i recommend another room) are really rough, but babies are adaptable and it isn't neglect if daddy's there. it just feels like it.

i wish i had some better suggestions. it's hard.

[lolar2DH]

Yes, I've been through something quite similar to this. I was in two graduate-level programs simultaneously. I was the first person in my department ever to do it. I was doing program A while writing my dissertation in program B. DS was one year old throughout this. Lolar2 herself was in a spate of courses for her Ph.D program as well. We did have daycare and considerable extended family support, but it was still awful.

If you are going to stay on the course you're on--- full-time work and full-time school--- and not make any changes, then I will say this. It's really terrible right now. But university programs are finite. You will complete all their requirements, you will get the degree, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It just doesn't feel like it ever will. But it really does. Just like it doesn't feel like the kids will ever get any older or more mature either, but they do. Sometimes it just takes faith (for lack of a better term) that the day will come.

Once you are on the other side of that fence, you will have your degree, you will have the ability to trade up on the job market, and you will also have something else that will make you attractive to new prospective employers. Bragging rights. You'll be able to say that you had a full-time job, you were a full-time student, and a mother, and you did it. Who wouldn't want to hire you then?

The good news is that when you have to be superhuman, at the end of it, you get the credit for being superhuman.

[meandmine]

Sending HUGS!

Last night I tried to post something quite similar, but it wouldn't post, so no real advice just HUGS and I guess ... sit down with your H on the day you are together and try to come up *together* with options.

Hugs again!

M

[moonyoungi]

can you take out some financial aid, either grants and/or loans? That will give you some room to cut back on working. You can go part-time at your work or get another job that is more flexible.
I know some people hate the idea of taking on loans, but think of it as investment.
I'm a full time student and a mom to 2 boys, and my hubby works opposite shifts 4 days out of the week and I work very flexible tutoring job, which pays 30 dollars an hour. Of course that's not nearly enough, so we take out some student loans and I also get some cash assistance from social program.

At the rate of you are going, it's not sustainable, I think. Maybe I'm wrong. But it's not good for your health to be stressed out constantly. If you hate your job, I'd cut back on the job, not school.

Also, I agree with above poster on night-weaning if the baby is still breastfeeding at night. It really really makes a huge difference in the quality of sleep you get. You need sleep to function as a good student and a mom.

Good luck.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by allborntogrow

Hi all, I am feeling really unsupported and as if no one understands me lately so before I have a nervous breakdown . . .

1) I am a mom to 2 boys, ages 15 months and 6 years
2) I work full time *plus* at a unbelievably stressful job which I hate
3) I am a full time student
4) Hubby works opposite shifts from me

I am in my second year of school. My university does not offer a part time option. I hate my job but I can't get another one making even close to what I make without a degree. Hence the school . . . I am under pressure all day, every day. I usually work a 6 day week and come home just in time to say bye to my hubby, take care of the kids until they go to bed, then it's homework the rest of the evening until I head to bed for a very broken night's sleep (the baby still wakes frequently).

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't continue another day like this. It all seems like a losing battle at this point. If I stop school, I'm stuck in the job I despise for even longer. I can't quit my job or take an huge paycut because I provide the majority of the income and the health benefits. Hubby can't do anything else because we don't have childcare.
I am beyond miserable, my house is a disaster, I never get to spend any time with my children nor do I even feel like I get a moment's rest. I don't know what to do.

Who has been here before? Tell me it worked out okay!!!

I have not been there.

But I could not read your post and not reply.

First and foremost, I agree to talk with your hubby about how you feel and what you are struggling with.

Is there anyway that you can finish out this semester (it is almost over right?) and then quit your job and live off your husband's salary? That way he could do something else while you are home with the kids. Not that staying home will mean you get rest or have a clean house.

Just ignore that idea if you have no desire to stay home fulltime. But if you do, can you try it and see what job your husband gets?

[madskye]

Why do you hate your job so much? Is there any other job in the company/your industry that you could move to? Pinpoint exactly what you hate and try to change that--maybe you don't need to completely quit, or go part-time, but you need to figure out what could make your job bearable?

What's your goal in regards to school--when you have the degree what will that prepare you for? The school you are in now doesn't have a pt option--are there are any that do? What would happen if you went to your academic advisor and told him that you need to cut your classload for a semester? Would they give you some kind of one time exception? School's are hurting for money now, too--I'm sure they wouldn't want to lose all of your tuition if they could hold on to half.

[delighted.mama]

I'm feelin' your pain.......just wanted to let you know BTDT (not working FT, however, but close) and it is stressful! But, like another poster said, it is finite and your situation will change. That's what I tell myself, especially now, when things are hectic. Hang in there!

[annekevdbroek]

Will the holidays, term break, spring break - etc. give you a little bit of downtime at all? DO yo have some vacation days that you can spread around so you get a little breathing space on occasion? I agree with PP that it is finite and if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel it does help.

Also, if you can find away to afford it at all, consider having someone come in and clean for you. Even if it is once a month it can lift a huge burden of work. I know that when the house is a mess it just pushes my stress level up so much higher.

[monkeybum]

I actually came on here to write almost the exact same post. I'm in a similar boat, minus the schooling (wow, now I feel like I've got it easy!).

I have two young boys, a DH who works opposite shifts and does very little to help out, I HATE, HATE, HATE my very stressful job, but I'm the bread winner with no option to make this kind of money in this area, and I have very little support from grandparents etc. so no real support group or back stop. It all falls on me.

I'm so beyond stressed I can't describe it. I have been unsuccessful in cutting out the night nursing, (even moved my 2 1/2 yo in to a toddler bed beside my bed so he would not sense me there, but he still wakes up the same amount of time). I'm so exhausted constantly. I'm running constantly.

Here's what I've come up with so far. I go to the chiropractor regularly and have just started really focusing on my diet (lots of greens, fewer carbs, reduce junk) as staying healthy helps my state of mind. I've also hired someone to come in weekly to do the kids laundry, do dishes, tidy up, etc and someone to do a deep clean bi-weekly. I've just found an "errand" service that I'm going to hire to finish my Xmas shopping, wrap some presents, deal with my drycleaning and a few other things. And I hire someone for just about everything. I hired someone to string Xmas lights outside. I hired a guy to do the lawns and snow. I even order grocery delivery service now and then when I just can't get to the grocery store. So basically I try to hire people to do anything I can. It helps me keep my sanity and we sacrifice other things to pay for it. Otherwise it just won't get done, and I feel more overwhelmed and its a vicious circle.

Oh yeah, and a mental health day if I can afford it - I use a vacation day, but keep the kids in daycare and I sleep, read, get a haircut, etc. - just recharge.

I wondered in your case if it's worth trying to put school off for 2-3 years as I imagine it may be easier when your younger one is a little older...