getting MORE upset at daycare rather than less

[Devaya]

Hi everyone. I went back to work 3 months ago, two days a week. My son is 25 months. He's always been very 'attached' and I've only gradually been able to leave him with anyone other than his dad, but he seemed to take a big leap forward with his ability to tolerate separation, at around the time I had to go back to work (Luckily). He started spending a day at his dad's, a half day at a friend's with her child, and a half day at a lovely nursery (only 6-9 kids, 1:3 ratio, all kids 2-5 years old). At his dad's and the friend's he was fine, and he seemed fine at the nursery: no tears, the staff all commenting how happy and secure he was.After a month I changed it to a full day, because I was finding working two half days too stressful and not getting enough done. I thought he'd be okay b/c he'd seemed happy, and friends who'd seen him out and about with his nursery people said he looked happy too.

Now I don't know if it's connected to him being there longer, but he's started getting upset both when I drop him off and when I collect him. Over the past few weeks it's got worse - he's gone from just looking a bit sad to really bawling his eyes out and clinging on to me, not wanting me to go. I stay and nurse him if I can for a bit, try to settle him into an activity, but nothing seems to help. I don't drag it out too long though, and usually I eventually leave when he's in the arms of a nursery worker crying and watching me go, which is horrible (but at some point I have to get to work). When I pick him up, it's a real drama and I have to go 15 minutes before they close to leave time for all the fuss and having to nurse him, etc. He's absolutely fine being left with his dad (i'm a single parent) for a whole day and overnight, and with a friend and her same-age son for a half day, no tears there, but the nursery seems to be a problem. I'm told that he's attached himself to one particular member of staff and follows her around, and when she's not there or busy with something else he bursts into tears. They've suggested making a book with pics of all the staff to show him at home and get him used to it, but I think it's kind of normal for a child his age who's always been one to one with an adult, to want to 'bond' with one adult.

I'm thinking of either cutting the whole day down to one half day again and working half days again, even though it's a pain, or change to a childminder where he'll just have one adult (yes, and have to share her with other kids, but at least it's just one consistent person). Maybe I'm just overreacting...but it just doesn't feel right to let him be this upset. Anyone have any insight on this? I'd appreciate it, thanks!

[RockStarMom]

Have you spied on him to see how long it takes for him to settle down, or checked in during the day to see how his mood is? We went through the same thing, at the same age, and after watching my daughter a couple times(she didn't see me) it was clear that she was thoroughly unhappy the whole time and I pulled her out.

[Devaya]

No, I'd love to be a fly on the wall but don't see how that's possible. The staff tell me he 'sorts himself out' not too long after I leave, and friends have seen him out and about with the nursery and say that he looks very happy, the staff interact with him in a lovely way, etc, but the staff say that he is much happier out and about than in the actual nursery itself, where he tends to cry whenever his favourite staff member goes out of view. I've been trying to talk about nursery during the week and show him pics of the staff, etc, which he responds to, but whenever it comes down to actually going, i.e. 'We are going to nursery tomorrow/today' (I try to prep him ahead of time), it's a firm 'No.' Which he doesn't say about other 'separation' situations like going to my friend's or his dad. I think the day is just too long for him and maybe too much stimulation, and he reacts better to one consistent person.

I just found out today that I'm going to have to nearly double my work hours in order to make ends meet, as a source of help from the government has been denied to me So I really have to find some other solutions! On the other hand a friend told me her little boy took 3 months plus to 'settle in' to his nursery doing full days, and was doing much what my son is doing, for months before he started to be fine about being left. So maybe it's worth riding it out.

[GuildJenn]

I would do an unannounced visit for your information and to see if it helps you to feel better.

On the upset front - my son is 4 and started daycare at 20 months. He has gone through periods where he was better with the transition or periods when he was worse with it. Mostly it hasn't related to how much he was enjoying his day but more what developmental stuff was going on.

One thing that struck me in your current arrangement (and this is not a criticism, just how it's working out) is that two full days aren't really time to get into a routine like 5 days would be, so he may just have more transition angst on that basis. Anything that only happened two days a week was harder on my son until he was well over 3.

[madskye]

Well, it's good that they say he settles in and that your friends can vouch that he seems happy enough during the day.

Daycare drop off for us ran the gamut from happy to crying, different things at different times. A new friend or teacher can equal a burst of enthusiasm and running in and leaving you at the door! And then other times they don't want you to go.

One thing that might help, beyond the little book, is to ask the daycare if they can come up with a good strategy for leaving. At our old day care, one of the teachers would come to the door, scoop my daughter up in her arms, and say "Bye Mom! Let's go look out the window and find Timmy (the squirrel outside)" That worked really well--classic attention and distraction and then they would go right into an activity.

[JL83]

We went through a period of REALLY rough drop offs at that age. DD did not want me to leave.

I tried spending longer and longer and longer getting her settled, but it got us no where. I finally, contrary to our normal parenting practices, decided that I had to just leave her. She and I talked about "the plan" before it happened. I told her what I would stay for and what would happen before I left. In our case I told her I would read her 1 book, play with 1 toy for 2 minutes, and then give her a big hug and a kiss. Then she could either go play while I left, or one of the staff would hold her. The hardest part was actually following through on it.

What I realized was that her cries, in our case, weren't actually her being sad (they were before I left the room), but they turned to mad the moment the door closed. Then within a minute she stopped crying and got on with her day.

It took a few mornings of sticking to this routine and she figured out that I was going to leave (I had no choice, I had to work).

[vanislemama]

I noticed you said it "just doesn't feel right". I've just gone through a very stressful daycare experience that I could have avoided if I'd trusted my gut feeling, so my advice is to investigate other options that might "feel" better to you.

Hugs to you. I hope you get it sorted soon.

[Devaya]

thanks for the suggestions everyone. The last two times he went to daycare the staff reported he did much better - he still seemed as upset when I left, but he wasn't apparently crying during the day at all and has stopped getting upset when his favourite staff member leaves. A friend of mine told me it took her same age child about 3 months of doing a full day at nursery, to stop crying at drop offs, and it's only been 2 months for him doing a full day. Unfort it's not an option to use daycare more and thus make it more consistent - as it is it is costing me a whole day's pay to pay for it, and time with my son is important to me (I would still SAHM if I didn't have to work financially).

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Devaya

thanks for the suggestions everyone. The last two times he went to daycare the staff reported he did much better - he still seemed as upset when I left, but he wasn't apparently crying during the day at all and has stopped getting upset when his favourite staff member leaves. A friend of mine told me it took her same age child about 3 months of doing a full day at nursery, to stop crying at drop offs, and it's only been 2 months for him doing a full day. Unfort it's not an option to use daycare more and thus make it more consistent - as it is it is costing me a whole day's pay to pay for it, and time with my son is important to me (I would still SAHM if I didn't have to work financially).

I hope you didn't feel pressured when I mentioned that! I truly meant just that it might take longer.