Anyone playing "mom" to kids bc the real parents left?

[sleepingbeauty]

... because they couldn't be bothered to do it themselves?

I'm having a hard time trying to find the right spot to talk about this.

Long story short, my best friend and I ended up with my other "friend"'s 2 girls (2 and 1). They now live with their grandparents, but they were ours in every sense of the word up until then (only difference? We didn't push them out!)

Anyone out there? It's a rough time for us right now because the grandparents are going to move to India and take the girls with them. I'd love to have someone to talk to about it.

Honestly, I wish *I* had actually had them. It would have saved them and us a LOT of pain!

(btw, I'm 20, best friend is 21, "mom" is 21 and the girls are 2 and 1 year each)

Thanks. If you're not out there, thanks anyway. I know I'm not the only one...right?

[Cavy]

My cousin had somrthing like this. Somehow she ended up informally fostering the grandsons (6m & 18m old) of a friend. Eventually she adopted the boys; the older one had a lot of issues from physical abuse in his birth home .

Last I heard the boys (now 13 & 12) were doing very well.

Must b so hard 4 U 2 have 2 let go of them .

[Nazsmum]

My family bacisly raised a little boy. I was in high school. His parents were/are really well, I'm not sure what word to use.

So we would have him most of the week. He would cry when his mom would come to pick him up. Very sad. His parent took him full time @ 2 years old. They where going to have another baby.

Long story short I do understand. My family still feel like he is our brother/son.

I hope you can keep in touch with them.

[MommyKelly]

I have 3 kids from 3 different DISTANT cousins. 1 came to use through foster care at 2, she had been in and out of the system since testing positive at birth for meth. Mom as too busy partying to get her back.

I got her sisters ( my other distant cousin) kids 16 months ago. Mom signed over custody to us because she was in jail. She got out 2 days later. She hasnt called, sent a letter, nothing. She is too busy making meth with her abusive boyfriend.

Sorry to hear they are moving Are they willing to send you pics or have any contact?

[happyhats]

I've been in a similar situation. My sister in law really believes that saying, it takes a village to raise a child. Except with sil, it take a family, and that means she should be able to drop off her los whenever she wants. Yeah. Things are pretty dysfunctional, to the point my husband is a surrogate daddy to the oldest, the second oldest wants to be called my husband's brother (he knows his mother is his mother, btw, and lived with her until this year when grandma decided she wanted him...dysfunctional) and the youngest two just are wild children. I've had to put down some groundrules to dh since they've moved closer to us, or they would walk all over him. Still, it's getting to the point I'm going to have to put down even more.

A couple close friends also were in a similar situation. They took care of a 'friend's' little one until just vey recently, and unfortunately that 'friend' used her daughter as blackmail. If they didn't take 'friend' places, loan her money, etc she would find reasons her daughter couldn't come around.

[sleepingbeauty]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I really do feel like they ae my daughters....but I know they're not. I'm always struggling with the whole "do I call them 'my girls' or 'the girls' or what?!" issue. I've started calling them mine recently. Not in front of the mother--am I wrong here? I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to call them mine but at the same time...who the hells are they anyway?!

The girls are so wonderful. I mean, the older one's 2 so she has her days, but that's just being 2. They really are wonderful and I love them to death (totally understanding that mom love thing--I'd jump in front of a train for them...such a crazy emotion, isn't it? I always knew it was strong but holy crap, you know?)

We're really good friends with the grandparents. They are such wonderful people and I'm glad that the girls are going to be with them. My heart is so broken jsut thinking about them going, but if it will keep them safe.... I mean, I'd rather they go and I never see them again if they are able to live happy and fulfilled lives than I still have them all the time and they risk being put back with their parents.

The mother is getting her GED and stuff and trying to make an effort to get them back, but she's still the same person. At my little one's 1st birthday party last Saturday, dad didn't show up and mom sat and txted the whole time. When MY 2 year old asked her, "momma, change my diapee?" she said "I don't know how you guys change her diaper."

SERIOUSLY?! I could have killed her. This poor kid never even gets the chance to ask you for anything and she asks you for something so simple and you magically forget how to change a diaper??!! #$%^&^@#!#$%^&*&^@#

Seriously though, thanks for letting me know you're out there. I try to talk about this kind of thing in a few forums, but this is such a screwed up situation that no one really understands, you know? I mean, everyone's super nice about it, but when you get right down to it, no one ever really gets it unless they've been there.

[magentamomma]

I raised my sister and brother when they were teens and i was 19- 23 or so. it was really hard but now my mom is in a really good place and is back in all our lives. what you are talking about seems like extreme narcisism. I am seeing it more and more and more in young moms and it is maddening. Good luck.
p.s. [I] also raised my nephew when he was a newborn and my sister was in prison, I breastfed him for 10 weeks along side my son. My family lost custody of him to his bio dad who is a convicted batterer. I still can't see my nephew, i saw him in a parking lot by chance a few months ago. My kids were really hurt, now we all feel kind of numb, because its the only way to cope. You may have to let go as well since they are leaving.

[sleepingbeauty]

I don't think their ages had anything to do with it. I'd bet my life's wages on it being due to them both being seriously screwed up people. Age isn't going to solve any of their problems--this would have happened 10 years down the line too, sadly. T^T

I hear what you're saying though, about letting go. I just can't imagine doing it. They plan on coming back to visit often and inviting us out sometimes (it's much easier for them to come here...culture and stuff, but I'd like to go out to see them in their new home a few times if I can <3) The grandparents are awesome people and I don't see them just disappearing.

If they were with their sperm donor on the other hand...*shudders*

[sleepingbeauty]

Zoey, the 1 yr old, called me "mama" yesterday and I nearly shat a brick. "uuhhh...errrr... *smiles*....I'm Kristin, baby girl. Kris-tin." I was like, "awwwww, she said 'mama'...wait....I'm not mama....@#$%&^#@#....*sigh*" What a mess.

I just keeps getting more difficult. *sigh*

[Dakota's Mom]

I had four kids when I was about your age. Maybe even a bit younger. The mother didn't want to quit partying so they were with us all the time. One day she wrote the father and told him she couldn't afford to take care of them. She said that either he had to send more money or come and get them. She was sure he would just send more money. Imagine her surprise when he came to get them. I never saw them again after that. She wasn't taking care of them or giving us any money for them. We would have kept them and let her continue to drink up their child support. But the kids went to their father. I can only hope that he took good care of them. They are all adults now. It was a very long time ago.

Kathi

[sleepingbeauty]

That's so sad... I'm so sorry you had to go through that... *hugs*

The girls' father is just as useless as their mother. I'm just trying to gear up for the Big Move to India.... T^T The grandparents want us to keep contact, I only hope it works out that way, you know? Not that I don't trust them, but I'm not an idiot--things happen, people grow apart etc...

[almadianna]

this would be better served in parenting so I am moving it there.

[sleepingbeauty]

Originally Posted by almadianna

this would be better served in parenting so I am moving it there.

Oh, sorry! Thank you very much!


"mine!" "I can't" "Go away!" "Stop!"

We have officially hit the terrible twos. I can pinpoint when it happened too. It's been 1.5 weeks now. Oh boy..... Actually, sometimes it's kinda funny. Last night she tried to keep her "I'm pissed off" face on while laughing at Dora. HAHAHA

[sleepingbeauty]

I am so sick and tired of people telling me I have no idea what parenting is. SO sick and SO tired. I'm sorry I didn't push them out but for god's sake here!

@#$%^&*&^%$#@

Sorry, I've been banned from another website for giving parenting advice without being a "real parent" myself. The nerve of some people...

[neonalee]

I'm "not a parent" too. Yet. Imagine everyone's surprise when I turned out to be (without ANY kid experience whatsoever) a better parent then DSD's actual parent and was able to lead DP to be a better parent as well. It doesn't always take having kids to know what's needed. It takes an open heart and open eyes, among other things.

[sleepingbeauty]

Originally Posted by neonalee

I'm "not a parent" too. Yet. Imagine everyone's surprise when I turned out to be (without ANY kid experience whatsoever) a better parent then DSD's actual parent and was able to lead DP to be a better parent as well. It doesn't always take having kids to know what's needed. It takes an open heart and open eyes, among other things.

thank you. I really needed to hear that today. To some it seems like you are disqualified because you didn't give birth to them/have legal custody, you know? Ow.

[pixiekisses]

Our oldest daughter was our niece before. But she ran away from home in her early teens, came to us and told us the whole, horrible story, and we kept her (seriously, nobody knew, that family was excellent at keeping secrets). She moved out last year (20 yo.) to live on her own, and is in med. school. She still comes home to us many times every week to hang out with her siblings and us. She really did become our daughter very quickly, and she has nobody else. We're the only ones that are there for her, help her out and love her. (Besides friends, but you know.)
Her parents didn't report her missing when she ran away. We couldn't reach them at once to tell them she was safe either, it took us many days to get a hold of them. And when we did, they hadn't noticed she was gone. Then they said "whatever" and went on with their life.
That made me so freakin' angry I don't have words.

I'm sorry they are moving away.

[Stephenie]

When I was 20-21 I was in a similar situation. My friend had a baby and just was not ready.She had a really hard time with it all and would neglect to do the basic stuff a lot of the time. Diapers would pile up in heaps until I picked them up or yelled at her to do so. I spent so much time with that sweet little guy, they lived with me. I changed diapers, watched him, even woke up with him there and his mom gone. I would have taken him in a heartbeat. Eventually, her sister adopted him. I saw him a few times after that, but at some point it quit hurting so bad. He was in a good place and I knew it. He's in first grade by now and probably would have no clue who I am, but he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

[LROM]

I just wanna say that it's threads like this that give me hope for the world. You guys are doing such important work! Celebrities get all this publicity for adopting children from other countries, and the news is all over the lengths many of us go to have bio kids (nothing wrong with that, not at all). Those are also good things because people are trying to help and do good and have their own kids.

But to take on SOMEONE ELSE'S KIDS - kids you didn't choose to have... kids who often come with some behavior problems because they've been neglected or abused... kids with major trust issues that have them testing boundaries all the time... kids who have health issues cuz their mom used drugs while pregnant... kids who love you but can wreak havoc on your house and your own bio kids....

Yet you've still taken them in because they needed someone and you saw the need and stepped forward... or maybe they fell in your lap and you just didn't push them off, but either way... I've got tears in my eyes because there are so many kids like the ones you guys have made parts of your families, so many who need what you're giving but aren't lucky enough to find it in their own parents or someone else.

I'm just so happy for YOUR KIDS because you've given them a chance at such a much better life.

And for those of you who had a child/children but that child got taken away at some point, just know that even a week's worth of good healthy love and attention has an impact. A couple of years' worth: even more of an impact. Somewhere in themselves those kids will never forget you.

My LO is going to be one yr soon, but I've always committed (and still am) that once she's older I'll be a foster mom for the same reason. In the meantime I've dedicated my career to early intervention in child abuse and neglect, a decision my own family still is bothered by because they wish I'd use all my degrees to make lots of money, but I think this issue is the most important thing I can do with my time, education, and attention. But I get paid for my job too. You guys are stepping in, usually without any glory and with lots of stress, because these kids need someone and you're not going to let them fall through these giant cracks. I know you also get great rewards from the love of these kids and knowing you've helped them be ok, but still... I wish there was media attention for parents like all of you!

To all of you, thank you for all you do.

[sleepingbeauty]

Thank you so much, LROM. You nearly had me in tears. IT really means a lot to hear someone say something like that about what we're doing. (Us pseudoparents need support too!) Thank so much!