How should I have handled this?

[beingmommy]

I know I didn't handle it right and let my DS down. We were at a bookstore with a train table area and my DS (29 months) was playing with the trains. Another little girl (maybe 3ish?) came over and began to hoard all the trains until he only had one left and then she took that one too. He looked at me smiling, like he thought I would help and I didn't know what to do. The little girl was by herself so I couldn't look to her mom to intervene. And I wasn't sure if I should jump in and suggest she give my DS back a train. I thought I should but she had that look on her face like she was waiting for me to do just that and then she was going to have a fit about it. You know what I mean? That way toddlers will set their face when you just know they are not going to cooperate? So I did nothing. I just sat there and looked at her and at my DS and then he looked disappointed and walked away from the table. I let myself be intimidated by a toddler! Way to model for my DS right? Sheesh!!

I realize that I failed my DS. I am suppose to stick up for him and model good behavior and I just let her take stuff from him. So now he thinks I will not stick up for him and probably thinks it is okay for kids to take things from him AND that it may be okay for him to take things from other kids since no one stopped her from doing it to him, right?

After he walked away I followed him and told him I was sorry I did not ask for his train back.

But what should I have done? It feels weird to sort of discipline someone else's child, especially if they aren't present. Like what if the girl had thrown a fit and brought her mother running wondering what terrible thing I was doing to upset her? You know? I certainly wouldn't grab his train back but should I have suggested she give it back and if she refused just let it go? Or should I have focused on my DS and suggested he ask for his train back (which might not work since he has a speech delay and doesn't talk very well yet)?

[lonegirl]

Personally, I would have stepped in. I have stepped in. I would have stepped in early and remind the little girl know that it is important to share. If she didn't catch on then I would have put my foot down at the final train she was trying to take and not let it happen...the idea of letting your DS ask for it is good idea but if that didn't work I would have told the little girl that it isn't nice to take things away and to please give the train back.

[425lisamarie]

I AAAAAAAlllways remind ALL kids that we are in a place in which things don't belong to us and we borrow and share. I have gone so far as to say at a book store, "you don't have to play, but you may leave the trains because we are all playing together and the store would like them to remain in the table area." And the adult with this child just looked up as if to say "oh good someone else dealt with it lol." Fortunately my kids are always the ones to share, and furthermore I can't believe people just leave their toddlers in a situation like that anyways!

ANd lastly sometimes it IS the best thing to just move on if there are kids who are not nice to play with. That's not a bad lesson for him either, to just be able to walk away.

[Anastasiya]

I say things. I would have just said, "No dear, these trains are for everyone to share so please give ____ back the train he was playing with."

Don't worry about disappointing your son. He's likely forgotten it by now, and you'll have more chances to stand up for him in the future!

[jlovesl]

I'm a little different than most I guess. Once while waiting for a doc. appt. my son was playing with a toy. Another little boy came over to play with him and he gladly shared. Then the other boy took it away and would not let my son play anymore. Soooo I pulled out a great big chocolate bar from my purse and gave it to my son. I told him to sit next to that kid. The boy actually asked for some and I told him NO, you don't know how to share so you get nothing. Then I told him to take his toy and go sit with his Dad.( who sat and did nothing to correct the situation) All the while my son and I made yum yum noises and smacked our lips. Finally the boy's mother came out and the Dad explained how rude we were not to share. But when he finally told her it was because his son took the toy away(that my son had 1st) she disciplined the boy and was very apologetic to us. But hey we still had our chocolate bar, ha ha.

[buttercup784ever]

^^Ahhh, torturing children. I love it.

I wouldn't feel guilty about what happened with the trains. If your son had been really upset about it, at that age he probably would have let you know....LOUDLY. Especially in a quiet place like a bookstore. I definitely don't think he was internalizing as much as you think.

In any event, I think I would have intervened as soon as I saw the girl start to hoard the trains. I wouldn't have taken them from her or anything like that, but I would have said something like, "don't take all the trains". Short and to the point. A lot of times those kids are just testing YOU to see how far you'll let them go. I wouldn't try to teach her a lesson or explain about sharing. If someone's kid is doing something wrong, I find the best way to handle it is to look them straight in the eye and say, "don't do that."

[Hazelnut]

Originally Posted by buttercup784ever

^^Ahhh, torturing children. I love it.

"

No kidding! How horrid.

OP I would just ask nicely if DS could have one too, and if it doesn't work out, shrug it off. I've told my kids that sometimes it's hard to remember to share, or hard to share, but I wouldn't state it with the intent of making the other kid feel bad. If it's not a regular occurrence, (like at a regular playdate) I wouldn't sweat it.

[naismama]

Originally Posted by jlovesl

I'm a little different than most I guess. Once while waiting for a doc. appt. my son was playing with a toy. Another little boy came over to play with him and he gladly shared. Then the other boy took it away and would not let my son play anymore. Soooo I pulled out a great big chocolate bar from my purse and gave it to my son. I told him to sit next to that kid. The boy actually asked for some and I told him NO, you don't know how to share so you get nothing. Then I told him to take his toy and go sit with his Dad.( who sat and did nothing to correct the situation) All the while my son and I made yum yum noises and smacked our lips. Finally the boy's mother came out and the Dad explained how rude we were not to share. But when he finally told her it was because his son took the toy away(that my son had 1st) she disciplined the boy and was very apologetic to us. But hey we still had our chocolate bar, ha ha.

OP, I think you have gotten some good suggestions on how to handle this. I just wanted to add that I hope you are not beating yourself up over this. It's really ok. There will be other hoarding kids...and other chances for you to help your little one get past it

Peace, naismama

[Kirsten]

I would have stepped in before she took the last couple. When she had more than half, I would have been physically next to ds and when she came forward to take another, tell her "he is playing with these; you have the red one and the green one to play with". I would strategically place myself between them if it appeared she was having a hard time leaving him some.

And people who let their non-sharing kids hang at the train table without any supervision are annoying!

[tpintsch]

You don't have to be afraid of telling other people's toddlers how to behave, as long as you are nice about it. At first I used to worry if the parent would confront me if I guided or redirected their children in a situation where they were either not present or not dealing with the behavior. But, if its affecting your child you have every right to step in. I've never had a toddler not listen to me. I think at that age toddlers will listen to another adult better than they listen to their own parents. And if they start to scream because you demanded they share a toy, that will get their parents attention and the situation is dealt with either way.

[aran]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I would have stepped in before she took the last couple. When she had more than half, I would have been physically next to ds and when she came forward to take another, tell her "he is playing with these; you have the red one and the green one to play with". I would strategically place myself between them if it appeared she was having a hard time leaving him some.

I do/have done exactly this. I have also helped my DS hold onto a toy when another child was attempting to take it out of his hands. In one semi-embarrassing incident, it kind of turned into a tug of war between me and the kid taking the toy (the kid had already taken several shared sandbox toys away from my DS and I decided not to let her take this one away). I said "Sorry, he is using this now. You can have a turn soon." The kid kept pulling, and I didn't let go. The mom looked over from her chit chatting with other moms just in time to see the tug of war. She didn't say anything, but I felt kind of weird about it anyhow. I didn't want DS to be walked all over by aggressive, unattended kids! But we ended up leaving soon thereafter, because it was just not fun to use the sandbox with kids like that

[jamierai]

I have no qualms about telling another child that the toys are for everyone to share, and asking them to return a train to my kid before it gets to the point where he has none. If the parent is present and they don't do it themselves, I do. I don't discipline anyone else's child, but, at the same time, I don't want my son to learn that he should get walked on. I have a tendency to allow myself to be at times and would like him to grow up being a bit more confident/assertive than I am.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I would have stepped in before she took the last couple. When she had more than half, I would have been physically next to ds and when she came forward to take another, tell her "he is playing with these; you have the red one and the green one to play with". I would strategically place myself between them if it appeared she was having a hard time leaving him some.

And people who let their non-sharing kids hang at the train table without any supervision are annoying!

This. Right down to the annoying parents who aren't supervising!

[OGirlieMama]

Originally Posted by jlovesl

I'm a little different than most I guess. Once while waiting for a doc. appt. my son was playing with a toy. Another little boy came over to play with him and he gladly shared. Then the other boy took it away and would not let my son play anymore. Soooo I pulled out a great big chocolate bar from my purse and gave it to my son. I told him to sit next to that kid. The boy actually asked for some and I told him NO, you don't know how to share so you get nothing. Then I told him to take his toy and go sit with his Dad.( who sat and did nothing to correct the situation) All the while my son and I made yum yum noises and smacked our lips. Finally the boy's mother came out and the Dad explained how rude we were not to share. But when he finally told her it was because his son took the toy away(that my son had 1st) she disciplined the boy and was very apologetic to us. But hey we still had our chocolate bar, ha ha.

What an innovative idea - act like an obnoxious child in order to teach a child a lesson. Really impressive!


In the OP's situation, I'd have reminded the other child that the toys at the bookstore were for sharing, and asked her to please give one (or two? whatever seems right) of the trains back to my child. If she refused or got snotty, and no one stepped in, I'd apologize to my child for the other child's non-sharing, and try and redirect our attention to something else until she left.

[beingmommy]

Thank you for all the good advice!

[jlovesl]

Originally Posted by jlovesl

I'm a little different than most I guess. Once while waiting for a doc. appt. my son was playing with a toy. Another little boy came over to play with him and he gladly shared. Then the other boy took it away and would not let my son play anymore. Soooo I pulled out a great big chocolate bar from my purse and gave it to my son. I told him to sit next to that kid. The boy actually asked for some and I told him NO, you don't know how to share so you get nothing. Then I told him to take his toy and go sit with his Dad.( who sat and did nothing to correct the situation) All the while my son and I made yum yum noises and smacked our lips. Finally the boy's mother came out and the Dad explained how rude we were not to share. But when he finally told her it was because his son took the toy away(that my son had 1st) she disciplined the boy and was very apologetic to us. But hey we still had our chocolate bar, ha ha.

Like I said I'm different than most. But how impressive for some to cut down my parenting skills when they don't know me at all. My kids are loved, fed, sheltered, well mannered, beautiful and healthy. Hmmm think I'm doing something right. As for others peoples kids and their manners, it's not my job to teach them. And if anyone tried to discipline my child I would have a lil, freak on them. Mind you, my children are never left unattended, so I would correct the situation myself.

[Hazelnut]

I don't think being rude to other children (key word "children") has anything to do with caring for your own kid well. I'm out to protect my child but I fail to see why that makes it OK to treat another kid so poorly. Some parents drive me crazy but I try to treat their kids decently anyway, and the way I'd want mine to be treated.

[blessedwithboys]

hmmm, i guess i'm the lone voice of dissent. i think in this situation i may just have let my ds handle it on his own. if he wasnt upset, i probably wouldnt have felt the need to swoop in and "fix" it for him. each kid is different of course, but i really dont think you should be too hard on yourself mama. i dont see it as you letting your LO down, i see it as you showing you trust him to know how to take care of himselfand letting our LOs feel that confidence and trust int hem is part of our job

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by jlovesl

I'm a little different than most I guess. Once while waiting for a doc. appt. my son was playing with a toy. Another little boy came over to play with him and he gladly shared. Then the other boy took it away and would not let my son play anymore. Soooo I pulled out a great big chocolate bar from my purse and gave it to my son. I told him to sit next to that kid. The boy actually asked for some and I told him NO, you don't know how to share so you get nothing.

We haven't done this, but...my husband has taught my son clearly how to outsmart people who bother him. Granted, my son is 4. We wouldn't do this if he were 2. The best was when we were at a playground. This older boy kept going over to DS and hogging whatever DS was on, and it was ticking him off. Finally, DH said, "look. Go play on something you don't really want to play on. Then when he comes over, you can go have a few minutes on what you *do* want." DS did it, and it worked. He was happy!

While intervening and being nice about it sounds good, it just doesn't always work. There are people who aren't nice in the world, and that includes children.

In this situation, I would've probably said something (actually, both of my kids would've, but if they were too small) once she took more than 2 or 3. I also would've had no problem getting some from her if she happened to grab them all before I could do anything.

[Luke's mama]

Sorry, mamas, but I think that thing with the chocolate bar sounds really mean--especially for a little child! If you need to discipline them or teach a lesson, ok, but don't draw it out in a long torturous way because that is just not appropriate for a little fellow who is just learning how to share and has a short attention span. Surely as adults we should use our powers for good, not for more innovative ways to put one over on kids.