i don't know what is happening with my daughter, advice please

[lily sophia's mom]

I do not know what is going on in my home. My DD and I have always had a nurturing, loving relationship.....disagreements, yes, and I know we're both strong-willed, but that's it. But this past two weeks or so, it's like I'm parenting a different child I've never met. Utterly disrespectful, angry and disappointed at everything I do, critical of my actions, my choices, my discipline of her, my facial expression, EVERYTHING. We try not to be disrespectful in our home toward one another at all. I don't know what is happening. I've even tried to see if something else is bothering her and I'm just getting the brunt of it, but I can't seem to get to the bottom of it.

Honestly, I'm growing weary of what is almost bullying behavior. On top of this is my frustration level of late. She has been completely disregarding our questions, guidance, comments, requests...even just 'good mornings.' Or is disregarding them until she has a wisecrack or rude comment. And suddenly have appeared these grudges.....last night she awoke at 4:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom and asked for a glass of water. Which I got for her. Then she wanted me to stay and snuggle her until she fell back to sleep. Sounds lovely, I know, but when this happens, she doesn't fall back to sleep and then is tired the next day. So I kissed & hugged her & told her how proud I was that she'd gotten up on her own for the bathroom & went back to bed. This morning when I went to wake her (a challenge because she's tired but lately mean about it too), I tried asked for a good morning hug & her response was "you didn't seem to want a hug last night or a snuggle." with the tone of "so now you do? great, now that it's on your terms? good luck with that one." No kidding. From a 6 year old.

Please help. This is beyond anything she's done...she is behaving as though she has no regard at all for either my husband or for me. Because she's mad at every decision we make, she (in her mind) has an excuse for all of it, which she's also happy to share. I know she just sounds spoiled rotten, but I tell you I'm utterly surprised at this turn of character.

Hope to hear back. I re-read this and realize I myself sound a bit immature & as though I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but honestly, it's like a stranger has moved into my home. I want to help her too.

[mamaduck]

Does she go to school? If so, how has she been at school?

[mamazee]

Ah, yes, the 6/7 going on 13 syndrome.

What I've been doing is talking to my dd about how we affect people with our language. Like, she knows that she likes it better when I use one tone with her instead of another, and she knows she likes it when her friends talk to her in some ways, but not in other ways, but she's just learning that other people respond to her tone and word choice in the same way. I think kids don't really "get" that they have that power with their language for a while after they have the power. She's 7 and we have had some great improvements. I talk about it in as gentle and non-shaming a way as I can, because I want her to actually listen and take it to heart.

[lily sophia's mom]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Does she go to school? If so, how has she been at school?

Yes, and she's doing well in terms of her demeanor, participation, etc. Kind to others....in fact, just today she was asked by the school counselor to be the buddy/helper for a new girl who just moved here because she's so kind and confident.

[northwoods1995]

I got on here tonight to try to find some ways to cope with and help my 6 year old. So, I don't have a lot of advice but I can sympathize. It feels like he is a completely different child all of a sudden and I have no idea why. He is angry, sullen, mean, arguing with me over everything and he won't stop using this sassy tone. And like your DD he is doing well in school so I don't think that is the cause.

It's frustrating. And it makes me sad too.

[leaves]

i don't really have any advice, but since it was such an abrupt change in attitude and she hasn't acted like this in the past, to me it sounds like something happened that is bothering her and making her take it out on the people closest to her, even if she doesn't realize it or recognize the problem.

[lily sophia's mom]

Originally Posted by leaves

i don't really have any advice, but since it was such an abrupt change in attitude and she hasn't acted like this in the past, to me it sounds like something happened that is bothering her and making her take it out on the people closest to her, even if she doesn't realize it or recognize the problem.

This is what concerns me....I'm happy to take the brunt of it if I could just help her through it. But on the other hand, if it is me, I'd like to know that too. Sigh....

[Melanie_7773]

Originally Posted by lily sophia's mom

This morning when I went to wake her (a challenge because she's tired but lately mean about it too)

This stood out for me. Could it be a sleep issue? My daughter is only 4 (today!) but I know that when she doesn't get adequate sleep her behaviour rapidly declines, and she can quickly become snotty, uncooperative, and downright rude.

Around a year ago she went through a bit of a petulant hitting phase. As I was searching for the correct response to that behaviour, someone suggested that it could be sleep related. And all of a sudden it was obvious that I was trying to fix the wrong problem. I knew she was tired, but it somehow hadn't occurred to me that if I just fixed the sleeping, the hitting would go away on its own (it did).

If you don't think that lack of sleep is the problem, have you tried just telling her (calmly, but in no uncertain terms) that her attitude is unacceptable? Something to the effect of "I don't like like this tone / attitude / action, it is unpleasant to be around you when you behave this way, and I expect it to change." Maybe that seems overly simplistic - it probably would work for some children (with repeated applications) and not for others.

[RiverSky]

My 8 1/2 year old has been doing a teeny tiny bit of this lately and I'm positive it traces to images she's seen on TV (hannah montana, wizards of waverly place). I am somewhat tempted to get rid of our satellite tv. I do think your DD just wants more cuddles and special one on one time, and that she is very sensitive. My DD tries so hard to be helpful, to listen, to get ready on time, etc, and the rare time that I express disappointment at something she does, well, she takes it very, very hard. I try to never even give her a hint of that, because she takes it way overboard. Is it possible your DD is like that?

[lily sophia's mom]

Originally Posted by Melanie_7773

This stood out for me. Could it be a sleep issue? My daughter is only 4 (today!) but I know that when she doesn't get adequate sleep her behaviour rapidly declines, and she can quickly become snotty, uncooperative, and downright rude.

If you don't think that lack of sleep is the problem, have you tried just telling her (calmly, but in no uncertain terms) that her attitude is unacceptable? Something to the effect of "I don't like like this tone / attitude / action, it is unpleasant to be around you when you behave this way, and I expect it to change." Maybe that seems overly simplistic - it probably would work for some children (with repeated applications) and not for others.

I do wonder about the sleep...and actually I need to measure her, because now that I think of it she's gone through some wonky periods that are so surprising, and then I realize she's grown an inch in a month or something absurd. Hm...we do try to keep her on a good sleep schedule, but maybe she needs more due to the weather or demands or growing...I'll give a good effort.

I have started trying the other suggestion more consistently. And actually, she joins me at my office (I work in her school building) before & after school, but she was so rude & princessy more than once...in front of my office mate! I was horrified, so for a week she just had to wait with the other kids & go home straight after school (my hustand was at home). I explained why to her just yesterday....she was just too involved in the insolence at the time for me to have laid it out for her back then. Which seems incredible to me. I don't like to shy away from needed conversations, but really her reactions lately have been so startling. Anyway...the point is that she also needs to learn that as much as I love her, and as special as she is, no one is so special that they can be mean to others and have them put up with it. I wouldn't want her to put up with bullying, so I didn't want to be the example of the doormat for her either. This morning she was back in & it was much more pleasant.

THanks for all of the suggestions..
G

[lily sophia's mom]

RiverSky;14738477]My 8 1/2 year old has been doing a teeny tiny bit of this lately and I'm positive it traces to images she's seen on TV (hannah montana, wizards of waverly place).

I do try to keep this stuff out of the house, but I know that Lily's friends pick it up & pass along...how helpful of them

I do think your DD just wants more cuddles and special one on one time, and that she is very sensitive. My DD tries so hard to be helpful, to listen, to get ready on time, etc, and the rare time that I express disappointment at something she does, well, she takes it very, very hard. I try to never even give her a hint of that, because she takes it way overboard. Is it possible your DD is like that?

She can be quite sensitive. But her helpfulness, trying to listen, etc., are sort of mood-dependent on her. She gets her feelings hurt if she thinks I'm upset, but it's more (or comes across as more) about her frustration that I don't think that everything she does is just wonderful...regardless of what it is...and less about any breakdown in our relationship or so. I do see her react strongly to many situations, and we always try to be nurturing through them, etc. She's a cuddly girl, but also seems to think it's kind of cool to be asked for a hug (or have me just reach out) and then to lay on her belly/knees while I sit there watching her until she hops around for the hug (or whatever it is). I wish it were a fun game for us, but it really comes across as kind of "look how precious & special I am....anyone would naturally want to wait forever for me to do whatever they've asked." Which is frankly a bit annoying. Maybe she's reacting to how I'm reacting too, though...hm....

[confustication]

I think it's a stage, mostly because DD turned 8 yesterday and is slowly starting to come out of it. But, in her case we've also begun to homeschool her and that's made a HUGE difference. HUGE! I've also started tracking the really wonky days on a calendar- in her case, when she's really cranky, it always finishes up with a migraine. Since I started my period at 8, I have been keeping an eye out for patterns- and they are there. Puberty can start so early for girls, and while it isn't necessarily overt, the hormone shifts can cause some pretty confusing emotional states.