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She pulled her out of counseling!

post #1 of 51
Thread Starter 
H is so upset and agitated right now. After a year of trying to get his ex to agree that DSD see a counselor, after two sessions DSD's Mom stops taking her without telling us... in fact H has been asking her how it was going and she would just say fine.

Till last night at DSD's parent/teacher conference she finally said she stopped going weeks ago. She said it's because her hours were cut at work so she didn't have money for the copay. H was furious. He had already told her we'd split the copay... but besides that, she should have told him weeks ago if it was that big of an issue and we'd pay the whole thing if need be.

H has joint legal custody... what kind of recourse does he have with his ex constantly making decisions like this without him??

This is a major issue as DSD REALLY needs counseling. Her counselor said in the very first session that DSD is exhibiting far too much stress and anxiety for her age... and then last night at the parent/teacher conference her teacher said the same thing and told of how concerned she is with DSD's behavior!!!

The teacher went through all kinds of things and examples that we have been trying to tell DSD's Mom for well over a year!!! And where DSD's Mom kept telling us, "well I don't understand that because she isn't like that here, etc..."

Now... I just cannot beleive DSD's Mom is telling the truth. How can DSD be acting out everyday at school and at our house EOW, but is okay nights at Mom's?

I'm really worried about DSD...
post #2 of 51
Maybe you and mom have different expectations of behavior. Maybe what you see as acting out is not something that mom would consider acting out.

Also, considering the stress at your house and the fact that you're constantly on the verge of leaving, you're unhappy, husband is disrespectful and there's a heavy tension in your house, I think it's highly likely that your SD is just plain happier at mom's house. Assuming that there's not marital discord, yelling and punching walls over there.

The fact that YOU can pay half of the co-pay doesn't mean that mom can. You say you'll pay her back, but she's still expected to pay it. She's expected to give up her "relaxed" parenting time with her daughter to take her to counseling to deal with the stress of YOUR house. How is this fair to your daughter and step-mother?

Considering everything you've written about your SD's mother, your husband and the general temperaments of both households, I'd say that you might want to give her mother a little more respect here. She's got her daughter's best interests at heart. Your husband is trying to control things that he shouldn't.

Have you noticed a pattern in your posts? You want to leave, then all of a sudden, SD's mother or one of your parents has wronged you and then you and dh make up and gang up on the "wrongdoer." It seems that you and your dh only get along when you have a common enemy. Bio-mom is paying the price for you and her ex to get along...and so is SD. If you want her in counseling to help her deal with what's going on in your house, then take her on your time.
post #3 of 51
Thread Starter 
Um... if you read my post you will see that her TEACHER that she spends all day long everyday with is also saying DSD is acting out.

I cannot call hitting, pinching and refusing to do schoolwork anything but acting out... how about you?


Can you honestly say that seeing a possibly tense house only 4 times a month is the only cause making DSD act out EVERYDAY at school??

I just can't buy into that.

Yes I have some internal issues with how I feel about my marriage right now, but I like to think I do put on a pretty good face on the weekends DSD is there. Especially after the last talk H and I had... we are both respecting each other's boundaries right now and living together peacefully for the kids while we each do our own counseling.

And, as to expecting Mom to give up her peaceful parenting time to take DSD to counseling? She isn't even the one that is with her daughter most nights... it's her Mom or her brother.

And we offered to add the copay costs into the child support check we give her... so no, she isn't expected to just fron the cash in hopes we pay her back... we owe her NO money whereas she actually still owes us $250, which I think we have given up on ever getting from her.
post #4 of 51
So, it seems that SD is passed around a lot. Maybe that's the problem. Instead of counseling, how about all the parents come up with a plan to treat the problem. You can't counsel away a real situation. That's like taking drugs for a thorn in your foot...take out the thorn! Does bio-mom work at night? Is that the reason for SD staying with other people? If she's working at night, I can see it being almost impossible to do counseling. Did she like the idea of counseling? What ideas did she have? Was counseling thrust on her or was she active in the choice? Have you or your husband met the counselor? Have you gone with SD? Are you wiling to take her?

You've said a lot of good things about SD's mother. You turn to her anytime you and your dh fight, so you really should consider why she turns into an enemy when you make up. I don't say that to be mean. Sometimes other people can see our patterns that we can't see ourselves.
post #5 of 51
Thread Starter 
I think I may have said one nice thing about DSD's Mom. The fact that she is nice to my DD. And I only called her once during a fight when H yelled at DSD and I took the kids to my Mom's... that was almost 9 months ago?

DSD's Mom does not work nights... she goes out with her boyfriend, or shopping, or who knows. I just know from DSD and also from comments her Grammy and Uncle said themselves that they watch her a lot and they pick her up from school a lot.

She isn't "bounced" per se as they all live in the same apartment. DSD's Mom lives with her Mom, brother and boyfriend.

Yes, in essence counseling was forced upon her. H and I have noticed DSD being stressed out for nearly two years. We have brought it up to DSD's Mom on several occaisons... this was usually blown off as changes happening in her life, such as when H and I got married, and when the baby came... but if anything DSD's anxiety has gotten worse.

DSD's Mom had us call her peditrician to talk to him about it because she was not going to put DSD into therapy unless he said so. So H called and the doctor agreed that it definitely sounded like DSD should talk to someone. So ex finally consented to go.

We all took DSD to her first appointment. At that time the counselor told us we didn't have to go anymore as she was just going to speak to DSD one-on-one. H works nights, so is sleeping in the afternoon when the appointments would be, or he would offer to take her. But DSD's Mom is out of work at that time, and has no problem taking DSD to dance at the same time as her therapy appointments... she obviously just has a difference of opinion on how important they are... even though now she has her peditrician and her daughter's teacher all saying that DSD should be talking to someone.

I still cannot agree that all of DSD's problems stem from our house, considering she is acting out pretty much daily at school... she only sees us EOW right now... and her anxiety issues have been going on long before H and I started having any troubles.
post #6 of 51
Not that it's any consolation, but my youngest is an absolute terror at daycare and her father's, but has zero issues here at home. The family counsellor we saw together said that (in our case) it came down to comfort level/feeling safe. Dd is absolutely zen here at home, but really gives her dad a run for his money.

As for the counselling, I have no suggestions. If that were me, I would have let exdh know right away if I was going to pull one of our children out of something we had mutually agreed upon. If it was important to him, I would tell him the onus was on him to get it done (if I didn't agree it was necessary, etc.)
post #7 of 51
Nope, it sounds like it's not all coming from your house. It kind of depends on if the situation with mom is a helpful village or a crowded stress-filled apartment. If they all live together, then I can see them all being involved in SD's care. Also, if there is a lot of attention on her at her mothers home, that would mean that there's no reason to act up there.

But, again, if it's something your dh is insisting on, he'll probably have to be the one to make it happen.
post #8 of 51
She definitely should have told you that she was pulling her out, and yes, if you and your dh, the ped, and dsd's teacher are telling her that dsd needs some help, then I think she should feel it was important for dsd to go as well, no matter where the problem stems from (or where she thinks it stems from).

Is there anyway you can find someone who is open on Friday evenings/weekends so that you guys can take her at least every other weekend? It doesn't seem like her mom is going to do it, period. Do you have it is writing that she agreed to take her? I'm not sure if you have any legal recourse, but at least then she couldn't try to make it look like you guys were doing it behind her back.

Good luck, this sounds like a really tough situation all around.
post #9 of 51
Call her on it... "You said you couldn't make the copayments, so we will make them. I will call the therapist and make arrangements to start her appointments again and make the co-payments directly to them."

When she comes up with another excuse ("It's not at a good time"), ask her when would be a better time, and say you will call the therapist to switch the appointment time.

When she finds one you can't come up with an immediate solution for, ask her "What do you need me to do to make it work?"

(Note that I say "you" in all of these, but obviously your husband should probably be the one talking to her about it.... it's just easier to write it from the perspective I did... hope it's not confusing).
post #10 of 51
You personally can't do anything, that's the reality of step-parenting. If your DH feels strongly about it he will have to make the appointments and take her either during her mother's time or during your EOW.
post #11 of 51
He can contact the therapist and set up counseling appointments himself, since he has joint legal custody of the child. He can also let the counselor know that you have his permission to bring the child to appointments and fill the counselor in on information if he is not able to be there for the appointment.

I would then give it a few weeks of counseling and then have him set up an appointment for himself to go speak with her and see if she would be willing to make a recommendation in Court as to the counseling needs of the child and who might be more willing to accomodate those needs.

I would look at potentially filing a Motion for Change of Residential parent status to your husband.

As for paying the co-pays. I would just pay them out of pocket yourself, and then fill out the medical re-imbursement form for your county/state and submit it to her. When she fails to pay just file a contempt.
post #12 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
H has joint legal custody... what kind of recourse does he have with his ex constantly making decisions like this without him??
She can't make these decisions unilaterally. With joint legal custody, the only decisions either parent can make on their own is for emergent medical care. All other decisions have to be made jointly.

I don't know how far apart your two homes are. Any chance your DH can take on the task of getting her to and from the therapist's office?
post #13 of 51
Why don't you pay the entire coopay? I had a single mom friend and I just remember every dollar count.
post #14 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by khaoskat View Post
He can contact the therapist and set up counseling appointments himself, since he has joint legal custody of the child. He can also let the counselor know that you have his permission to bring the child to appointments and fill the counselor in on information if he is not able to be there for the appointment.

I would then give it a few weeks of counseling and then have him set up an appointment for himself to go speak with her and see if she would be willing to make a recommendation in Court as to the counseling needs of the child and who might be more willing to accomodate those needs.
If her mom has all these reasons why she can't take her, why don't you and your husband take her? Sure, it will cut out on your time with her, but isn't getting her the therapy she needs a little more important? Especially in the long run?
post #15 of 51
Thread Starter 
The counselor she was seeing doesn't have weekend appointments. H will be looking into trying to find a counselor that does so we can at least take her when we have her for the moment.
post #16 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Um... if you read my post you will see that her TEACHER that she spends all day long everyday with is also saying DSD is acting out.

I cannot call hitting, pinching and refusing to do schoolwork anything but acting out... how about you?


Can you honestly say that seeing a possibly tense house only 4 times a month is the only cause making DSD act out EVERYDAY at school??

I just can't buy into that.

Yes I have some internal issues with how I feel about my marriage right now, but I like to think I do put on a pretty good face on the weekends DSD is there. Especially after the last talk H and I had... we are both respecting each other's boundaries right now and living together peacefully for the kids while we each do our own counseling.

And, as to expecting Mom to give up her peaceful parenting time to take DSD to counseling? She isn't even the one that is with her daughter most nights... it's her Mom or her brother.

And we offered to add the copay costs into the child support check we give her... so no, she isn't expected to just fron the cash in hopes we pay her back... we owe her NO money whereas she actually still owes us $250, which I think we have given up on ever getting from her.
I got to go with chaoticzmom here. I fail to see how it can be put on her mom at all that SD is having trouble at school and at your house. We all know from your many posts that your home is clearly a major source of stress and pain to be in. Maybe she acts out at school from that environment and anger and at mom's house is her old peaceful happy self. Regardless, if you want the therapy you should both transport and pay for it. I would feel the same as the ex about this frankly.
post #17 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
I got to go with chaoticzmom here. I fail to see how it can be put on her mom at all that SD is having trouble at school and at your house. We all know from your many posts that your home is clearly a major source of stress and pain to be in. Maybe she acts out at school from that environment and anger and at mom's house is her old peaceful happy self. Regardless, if you want the therapy you should both transport and pay for it. I would feel the same as the ex about this frankly.
Okay, but if your child was having a hard time, acting out at school, and acting out at her dad's house, wouldn't you want to get her help no matter what the reason? I know if several sources (dad, pediatrician, teacher) were telling me that dd needed help processing a problem (no matter where it stemmed from, and even if I couldn't see it) I would want to help her-that is my responsibility as her mom, even if I am not the source of the problem. Yes, I think OP and her dh should make every effort to take her to the therapy themselves, but I also have a hard time understanding why people would just say it's not the mom's problem, so she shouldn't have to deal with it. If it is the child's problem, it is BOTH of her parents' problem, IMO.

OP, is your dsd resisting going to therapy? Could that perhaps be part of the mom's issue, that is a battle to get her there? Not sure what you could do about it at this point, but just curious as to whether mom is feeling like she is dragging her there for no reason and against her will and that is why she dropped it-perhaps you could find more a "play" therapy that dsd wouldn't be opposed to going to if that is the case.
post #18 of 51
I believe the OP"s only have DSD 4 days a month. I am not saying they should not be responsible for taking DSD to counseling but it seems that the vast amount of responsibility for taking DSD to appointments needs to fall on the mother since she has them most of the time. But of course he dad and JSMA could pay for hte appointment if they think it is important.
post #19 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
Okay, but if your child was having a hard time, acting out at school, and acting out at her dad's house, wouldn't you want to get her help no matter what the reason? I know if several sources (dad, pediatrician, teacher) were telling me that dd needed help processing a problem (no matter where it stemmed from, and even if I couldn't see it) I would want to help her-that is my responsibility as her mom, even if I am not the source of the problem. Yes, I think OP and her dh should make every effort to take her to the therapy themselves, but I also have a hard time understanding why people would just say it's not the mom's problem, so she shouldn't have to deal with it. If it is the child's problem, it is BOTH of her parents' problem, IMO.

OP, is your dsd resisting going to therapy? Could that perhaps be part of the mom's issue, that is a battle to get her there? Not sure what you could do about it at this point, but just curious as to whether mom is feeling like she is dragging her there for no reason and against her will and that is why she dropped it-perhaps you could find more a "play" therapy that dsd wouldn't be opposed to going to if that is the case.
If I was a single mama, having the vast majority of the the residency of this child and the care that goes along with it, and not enough money for it and a hostile ex demanding it, then I would say that it was more than I could handle and be pretty indifferent to it. Wanting therapy and being able to have the time and money to do so are two different things. And if, as the mother claims, this is all coming from the tensions and hostility in the other parent's household, then I would not be making it a priority. And perhaps the mother does not believe therapy is the best way to handle it. How about a trial of no visitation at dad's home for a few months? If the school problems, etc. cease then everyone would be clear about where the child's issues are coming from. Hearing about JSMa's family in her many posts, I think my sympathy is with the ex and with hoping JSMa gets out of the relationship as well. The husband/exhusband seems to be a pretty big UAV.
post #20 of 51
Thread Starter 
Actually it is a play therapy... and DSD loved going. The weeks she did go we had no issues on our weekend with her. She also told us she liked going because the counselor made her happy to come spend the weekend with us.

Also, I would just like to state again... it isn't just H being adamant about DSD talking to someone... her teacher and peditrician have also put in a strong recomendation for her to do so...

As a Mom, I'd have to be very concerned that my child was so troubled that she was hitting everyday at school I'd be doing everything I possibly could to figure out and help her cope with whatever it is... wether it be stemming from my house or not... I honestly have to say that dismissing the child's feelings and her acting out because it doesn't have to do with Mom is a very surprising attitude here... I thought we are to respect our children and help them with all their problems? I'm sure our children will face many outside obstacles in their lives... should we just dismiss them and not get them help for their problems if they have nothing to do with us directly??

As for money issues with ex... I have a hard hard time beleiving she is in such dire straights when she shares a small apartment that costs less then our house with three other adults contributing to paying the bills. Not to mention I see her in brand new shoes every month and with a brand new Coach bag just last week.

But, even with all that... we still offered to pay the co-pays if it was too much for her... even though we have no one helping us with our bills and we already pay her a pretty good amount of money a month for CS that should more than cover her part of the rent at her place with a few hundred left over.
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