Help with a polite way to speak to doctor

[sageovalente]

I have 2 intact sons. My youngest is 7 months. At his last check up his doctor looked at his penis and pushed the skin back a tiny bit (it happened so fast, before I could stop him). I immediately said "you are not supposed to retract the foreskin", he told me that he didn't, he just checked the opening. After reading many posts on this forum, I now know that even a little push back is retraction.
Do I have to worry about any damage done to his penis? His penis is fine, never any problems. Can I assume no damage was done?
Besides this incident, I really like this doctor, and want to continue to see him. He is super supportive of all our choices. I am looking for a polite way of telling him (without offending) not to touch my son's penis at all. Any suggestions?

[Fyrestorm]

How about a simple:

"there is no reason for you to handle my son's penis so I prefer to keep his diaper on - thankyouverymuch"

[tennisdude23]

I was not there, but I will say that a little manipulation of the foreskin does not cause any damage. It's very durable tissue, and I know that checking the urethra opening is standard procedure in an infant's checkup. With that said, I think your best bet is to mention to your physician that you are not comfortable with him/her touching your son's genitals without your permission.

[GardenStream]

Originally Posted by tennisdude23

I was not there, but I will say that a little manipulation of the foreskin does not cause any damage. It's very durable tissue, and I know that checking the urethra opening is standard procedure in an infant's checkup. With that said, I think your best bet is to mention to your physician that you are not comfortable with him/her touching your son's genitals without your permission.

This

My DS was born in another country and circumcision is not at all common there. My pediatrician there would always check his penis and scrotum. The first few times he told me that the foreskin wasn't released enough to check the opening of the urethra to make sure it was only one opening and that it was centered, so he didn't force it. By the 6 month visit, he could see the opening.

I was pretty scared when we moved back to the USA because of all the stories I had read on here. When we were looking for a new pediatrician I would ask them how I was supposed to clean the penis area. If they didn't instantly tell me that it should never be retracted and that normal wiping was fine, then I wasn't going to take my son there. Luckily the second doctor we visited said exactly what I wanted to hear.

[SlackerDad]

Originally Posted by atobols

I was pretty scared when we moved back to the USA because of all the stories I had read on here. When we were looking for a new pediatrician I would ask them how I was supposed to clean the penis area. If they didn't instantly tell me that it should never be retracted and that normal wiping was fine, then I wasn't going to take my son there. Luckily the second doctor we visited said exactly what I wanted to hear.

Great idea! This makes it sort of a "test" to know if you really have the kind of ped you need, rather than flipping it the other way and having to tell a doctor what to do (they're not keen on that) and hoping that s/he'll go along with your requests, however grudgingly.

[Greg B]

It is hard to be polite and use tact when you are dealing with people who are clueless and can do real harm.

"Stop! I am not comfortable with you doing that. Here is some information for you to read."

Of course, I woul dhave at ready a pmphlet like this to hand him/her:

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...kinleaflet.pdf

And perhaps this printed out as well:

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...etraction.html


Would cover the bases for me.

Regards

[l_olive]

I practiced this little speech over and over again in my head, and I still say it every time I take my son to the doctor BEFORE he is unclothed.

"My son's penis is intact and is not yet retractable. Please do not manipulate his foreskin in any way."

You need to say it well before you would have need to say "Stop" because it can happen quickly.

[PuppyFluffer]

I hope my experience with this is not the normal.

My son was at a children's hospital at the age of 12 months. They wanted to tape a bag on him for a urine catch. Prior to his clothes coming off, I told the nurse "He is intact. He is uncircumcised. Do not retract his foreskin." She said "Ok" and began to wipe him down with a little wipe from the base to the tip of his penis. Then she took his penis between her thumb and forefinger and began to slide the skin backwards towards the base of his penis. I immediately said "You are retracting. STOP" and she didn't. I had to physically remove her hands from my child.

So, be forewarned, clearly informing them ahead of time and getting an agreement isn't necessarily enough to stop them from retracting your son's foreskin.

[SlackerDad]

Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer

My son was at a children's hospital at the age of 12 months. They wanted to tape a bag on him for a urine catch. Prior to his clothes coming off, I told the nurse "He is intact. He is uncircumcised. Do not retract his foreskin." She said "Ok" and began to wipe him down with a little wipe from the base to the tip of his penis. Then she took his penis between her thumb and forefinger and began to slide the skin backwards towards the base of his penis. I immediately said "You are retracting. STOP" and she didn't. I had to physically remove her hands from my child.

Yikes. So how did she react to that?

[PuppyFluffer]

She pulled back and said "what?" like she hadn't done anything wrong. Then she proceeded to say she wasn't retracting him and I said told her yes, you were. You were sliding the skin back, that's retraction and I told you not to do that. She said something along the lines of you were supposed to do that. I said "Your medical knowledge is outdated and wrong". I told her to check the American Academy of Pediatrics statement on intact care. Another nurse in the room asked, with a bit of a snotty attitude, "Don't you clean him?". If I had my sarcastic hat on, I would have turned him around and flashed her the full frontal and said "I don't know, does he look dirty?" but I was about 28 hours without sleep at this point and my sense of humor was not what it usually is.

(We were there for "Observation" after my boy fell off the couch to the hardwood floor and got a small skull fracture with a very small bleed under it. He acting perfectly normal through out this whole affair and I only too him in because he developed a small soft swelling - a hematoma - on his head. I got great care at my local (very competent) hospital! The experience at the "Children's" hospital was where it all turned. It ended up in a child abuse allegation, forced skeletal x-rays, call to Child Protective Services in my home jurisdiction. On a positive note, I did share my discontent with the head doctor of the ER. She was totally onboard with my complaint regarding the attempted retraction. She said to me "You are exactly right. I have two intact sons myself and I am very familiar with this issue." She said she would address it. I don't have any way of knowing if she did. If you're not outraged enough about the retraction and the abuse allegation.....take a guess what 2 nights at the hospital for "Observation" cost? They did 2 CT scans, basic bloodwork, a urinalysis (complete with toxicology....cause I must have looked like a drug abuser), placed an IV just in case he had any changes in the bleed and had a seizure. How about over $18,000.

It's unfortunate that we have to be in such a protective mode with our children when seeking health care from supposedly educated and informed physicians. I thought I would only have to protect his penis. I had no clue that I'd be forced to do things against my will to keep our family intact as well.

[BlessedMommy2006]

Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer

She pulled back and said "what?" like she hadn't done anything wrong. Then she proceeded to say she wasn't retracting him and I said told her yes, you were. You were sliding the skin back, that's retraction and I told you not to do that. She said something along the lines of you were supposed to do that. I said "Your medical knowledge is outdated and wrong". I told her to check the American Academy of Pediatrics statement on intact care. Another nurse in the room asked, with a bit of a snotty attitude, "Don't you clean him?". If I had my sarcastic hat on, I would have turned him around and flashed her the full frontal and said "I don't know, does he look dirty?" but I was about 28 hours without sleep at this point and my sense of humor was not what it usually is.

(We were there for "Observation" after my boy fell off the couch to the hardwood floor and got a small skull fracture with a very small bleed under it. He acting perfectly normal through out this whole affair and I only too him in because he developed a small soft swelling - a hematoma - on his head. I got great care at my local (very competent) hospital! The experience at the "Children's" hospital was where it all turned. It ended up in a child abuse allegation, forced skeletal x-rays, call to Child Protective Services in my home jurisdiction. On a positive note, I did share my discontent with the head doctor of the ER. She was totally onboard with my complaint regarding the attempted retraction. She said to me "You are exactly right. I have two intact sons myself and I am very familiar with this issue." She said she would address it. I don't have any way of knowing if she did. If you're not outraged enough about the retraction and the abuse allegation.....take a guess what 2 nights at the hospital for "Observation" cost? They did 2 CT scans, basic bloodwork, a urinalysis (complete with toxicology....cause I must have looked like a drug abuser), placed an IV just in case he had any changes in the bleed and had a seizure. How about over $18,000.

It's unfortunate that we have to be in such a protective mode with our children when seeking health care from supposedly educated and informed physicians. I thought I would only have to protect his penis. I had no clue that I'd be forced to do things against my will to keep our family intact as well.

I'm so sorry to hear of your experience, especially the horrible ordeal with CPS. I know from firsthand experience how horrible false CPS allegations can be and I hope that your family has recovered from this experience and can move forward without undue stress and fear.

What stood out to me about your post was that the nurse first claimed that she wasn't retracting and then she said that she thought that retraction was required. It seems to me that she knew what she was retracting--and thought that you were uninformed so she would override your clear instructions.

I'm glad that you were strong and stood up for your son. I hope for a day where such incidents no longer happen.

[PuppyFluffer]

Thank you BlessedMommy. The local CPS screened out the call from the hosipital and never began an investigation.

I don't want to derail the thread by my specific issue (anyone can PM me for details if interested). What I want to point out is that even when you think you are totally in the clear, their may be a need to keep your guard up. Even though I was very clear to ask that my son's foreskin not be retracted, even though I got a verbal agreement on that instruction, and even when I said "STOP" - it was not enough. I had to physically intervene.

And in regards to his injury - even though we were referred by a well respected hospital, even though the treating physician said "The parents are reliable" and a second time "The parents are extremely reliable" - we still got the CPS accusation and treatment (meaning a skeletal survey and eye exam to "prove that he had not been shaken and thrown to a hard surface).

I wish that making uncommon choices for our children - fully legal and educated choices like intact, non vax, extended breastfeeding, co sleeping - didn't get us in the hot seat. I am very much 'once bitten twice shy' after this experience and will not readily open my family up to the coercion and power of the medical community (hospital) unless I believe my child will suffer permanant injury if I don't. I am fortunate to have two health care providers that I know and trust locally who meet the needs of our whole family for all routine issues!

[SlackerDad]

Originally Posted by BlessedMommy2006

What stood out to me about your post was that the nurse first claimed that she wasn't retracting and then she said that she thought that retraction was required. It seems to me that she knew what she was retracting--and thought that you were uninformed so she would override your clear instructions.

Exactly my thought.