Cutting your daughter's hair REALLLLLLY short. - Page 3

[meemee]

waaaaaaaaaaaay overreacting.

feel so sad for the 5 year old. esp. that age is such an impressionable hair.

i would put it down to sheer cruelty for the emotional wellbeing for her dd.

i know if i had done that to my dd she would have been waaaaaaaay upset - close to traumatised.

[AliciaP8]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

IMO and over reaction. My son does not want his hair cut at all - so he has long beautiful hair. Cept it used to not be so beautiful because he never wanted it washed or brushed. When he finally did - it was a nightmare! lol...I thought I would have to cut lumps out but with the help of a ton of conditioner we got there in the end. I would never have threatened him to do something like that to his body and his personal space.

Ditto. My son's hair looked like crap a lot of the time when he was younger but he wanted it long and I didn't figure it was something I needed to control. We had an "agreement" that at times when I needed it to look decent for me I would wash it for him and condition it and he would brush it. He didn't like it but he got to run wild most of the time.

If I had to say what bothered me most was other people commenting on how I should cut his hair all of the time. Seriously, he's polite, does well in school and is kind hearted - why mees with a good thing

I feel bad for the little girl in question. Not only was her personal space violated but no one expects hair that short on a girl. If she didn't ask for it that would be mean.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by tjlucca

I would call that over reacting. My DD had long hair and HATED having it brushed. We talked with her about it and came to a mutual decision to get a Pixie cut for her. She is happy (no more brushing), I am happy (no more screaming), and she gets compliments on all the time. Sounds like the buzz is probably emotionally abusive.

This is what we did for my daughter as well, and we both like it. Now that she's oldr, she's decided that growing it out to donate to locks of love then cutting it short again is something she wants to do. She's done this twice now and loves it.

[rainbowmoon]

I doubt it is abuse, but I do think it's a bit drastic!

[Viola]

I've told my 6 year old that we might have to cut her hair pretty short. So far it's not too bad, but she absolutely won't let me brush or comb it. I do try, but it's basically against her will, and she starts wailing to wake the dead, and holds her hands over her hair. I give her a soft brush to use on herself, but it does little good. So I let her go about with tangled hair.

I think humiliating the child, and taking a photo of her and sending it out is horrid, but at the same time it's hard to know the dynamics. The thing about the clothes makes me think the mother doesn't feel her young children deserve that kind of autonomy, and it's possible she thinks she is teaching the child a lesson. But my children often look unhappy in photos, and may hate their hairstyles that they themselves asked for in some particular mood. I can make the consequences very clear and they say, "Yeah, we know, we know, I WANT it." Then later on, they are blaming me and saying it's my fault, and why didn't you tell me and so on and so forth. It's maddening! I doubt that's the case here, but still, it just reminds me of my 4 year old niece who was so pleased with herself for awhile when she cut her hair off at the braids, and then unhappy about it for weeks afterwards because everyone thought she was a boy.

[fairejour]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

I agree.

I disagree.

If someone cut off all my hair, without my permission, it would be a horrible moment, something that I would never forgive. Is it somehow "worse" because I am an adult, and no one has the right to do it? NO! Children are people too! Just because we, as parents, "have the right" to do it, does NOT make it ok. They (should) have the right to wholeness in their bodies, and the right to say who touches their body and in what way.

And this is coming from a momma who had a device surgically implanted in her child's head. I have faced HUGE decisions about children's bodies and their rights.....

[the_lissa]

Is there any info, besides an unsmiling photo, that the child did not choose this cut. A friend of mine had a dd similarly aged who chose that haircut.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I don't know if this point was brought up--but I'll just put out what I was thinking as I read this--first the cut: the child was agreeable to the Ramona Q look (and I had to look her up to see who she was and what she looked like) but the parents said no. So this is not a medical issue.

But the thing that sticks out to me is this: most likely a five year old won't have access to her parents' email accounts (which is the way I am assuming the parents are sending out the photos) so that might not be so upsetting to the child as some folks are mentioning--I mean, if you think about it, if I get an email from a friend with a photo of a/that child, it's not likely I'll call the child and say: hey, I saw your photo....
BUT...that said...
there is a larger issue here: the fact that the parents even sent out such a photo AT ALL. I think the message they are sending is: hey everyone, this is how we parent.
I mean, if I did something like that to my child (first of all, I wouldn't but if I did)--I would probably have serious second thoughts about my actions and regret doing it. But it takes some time to take a photo and send it out--right?
Which means that they had time to process their thoughts and reactions to the situation and time to rethink the actions of sending out photos at all...which is what I find most troubling here.

[One_Girl]

I think the reasonableness depends on the severity of the twisting. Was she always twisting it and getting bald spots or just twisting it to get a reaction? If she was getting bald spots and they tried to get her to twist alternate things then I think shorter hair may have been a good option to try (not buzzed but definitely keeping it short for a long time). If a child is just trying for a reaction then I think that they should comb their own hair in the morning.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Originally Posted by major_mama11

I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...

[eepster]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

Spanking though painful only lasts a few minutes. It isn't odd and unusual (though most of us wish it were considered that way.) Once it is over it is over.

CIO, only lasts a few hours at most, and is pretty common.

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

For me it would have been worse than being spanked. Just the thought makes me want to cry.

Like pp said this is something that will cause her to experience ridicule and affect her self esteem.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

Is there any info, besides an unsmiling photo, that the child did not choose this cut. A friend of mine had a dd similarly aged who chose that haircut.

Her mom said "We warned her" she also said "SHe wanted a Ramona Quimby cut, but we told her if she couldn't stop twisting it, we had to shave it".

However.... there are some pictures of her on facebook today sporting new pink jammies and a big black eye. (sledding accident) and she looks happy as can be.

[Smokering]

My mother forced me to get several bobs as a child, even though I desperately wanted long hair. I do still kinda resent it. My hair did (and does!) get extremely tangly... but what I can't figure out is why Mum didn't braid it at night, or try any of the myriad natural haircare methods I've learned to keep it looking nice? Her own hair was thick and obedient, and when she wore it long it did the right thing; so I can see how mine could have been a puzzler. But I wish she'd tried. It was a big deal to me - I'd scream and beg (and in fact, throw almighty Aspie embarrassingly dramatic tantrums) and she'd force me into the car, and when we got to the hairdresser I'd sob all the way through. It was all a bit tragic, really! And I HATED the bob, every time, and when it started to grow out I'd hope Mum wouldn't notice so I could keep it long... I think it was partly a princess thing.

Anyway, when I turned 13 I started growing my hair out for real, and have never had a major cut since. It's currently long enough to sit on and when occasion permits, I spend an inordinate amount of time doing it up in fancy braids. As teenage rebellion goes I could have been more dramatic. But anyway, even though DD inherited my tangly hair I hope I'll always respect the way she likes it. It's a Thing with me now.

[nudhistbudhist]

My mother also cut my hair super short against my will when I was 5. I still remember how awful it felt. The hairdresser didn't want to cut it, she was almost in tears with me, but my mom insisted It was long enough that I could sit on it, and they braided it and cut it off (my mom still has the braid. Maybe I should TAKE IT BACK!!!! IT"S MINE!!!), into a pixie cut. I felt like I wasn't a girl anymore. I was so worried about going back to school. When people asked me why I had boy hair when I showed up at school I told them my mom cut it when I was sleeping I think that was the first time I truly felt like my power was taken away from me. BTW I dont talk to my mother much. And I have never been able to grow my hair past my shoulders since then. It seems to just stop growing. Now I have it dreaded and I"m NEVER CUTTING IT AGAIN!!!! I will also NEVER EVER cut my children's hair without their consent (or pierce their ears)... what a horrible violation!!!!

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by eepster

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.

That's a whole pile of assumptions right there. The OP wasn't there to hear the discussions of why it was done the way it was, and not every child with an opposite-gender haircut will be subject to months of humiliation.

I'll certainly concede that haircutting (like many, many, many things) can be used as a tool of emotional abuse, but I don't think the simple facts of 1) girl pulling hair, and 2) hair cut off- picture sent to family, together add up to abuse. :

[AbbieB]

I used to teach in an elementary school in the deep south. The style of parenting that was popular with my student's parents used head shaving as a form of discipline. The idea was to shave the kids head so everyone knew he (never saw it done to a girl) was a bad boy. The kid would be teased by other kids and even some adults in the building.



The link to the article about French women was enlightening.



I don't see how anyone could argue that forced head shaving is not emotionally abusive. I will point point that there is a difference between shaving one's head with the sole purpose of shaming someone and shaving someone's head because you believe it to be necessary.



I think the parents from the OP made a really bad decision. I choose to believe that they thought they were doing what was best to "break" their daughter of an annoying, and potentially dangerous habit.

I do not understand the motivation to go for the buzz cut with out trying the short cut that the little girl was agreeable too. But I can see my Dad (because of the way he was raised) deciding to do something like this and just not getting the long term repercussions for the little girl.

Posting pictures immediately afterwords seems really mean, but our culture is a bit mean (Hello, Funniest Home Video type shows.)

[bscal]

This thread has been in my brain all day today. I feel kind of sick to my stomach thinking about it. On the one hand, really, we (meaning all of us posters here at MDC) do not know the exact circumstances of this child's hair being cut and all that. Perhaps people are jumping to big huge conclusions here!

On the other hand, hair is a very sensitive issue for me anyways. See, my grandmother is a very manipulative person. She has money and feels that she can wave that money in front of your face and make you do what she wants. And if that doesn't work then she guilts you into doing what she wants. When I was 10 years old she guilted me into having my hair cut into a pixie cut. I had just had it cut to shoulder length right before my sister and I came to visit her that summer and loved it that length. I cried and cried and told her no that I didn't want it cut and she absolutely manipulated and guilt tripped me into cutting it b/c she had these plans of giving my parents a fancy framed picture for Christmas. So after the horrible hair cut experience she took us shopping and bought us matching outfits and marched us over to Sears where she had our pics made. And I heard all about how expensive this was going to be and how if I was not cooperative that I would be responsible for ruining my parents' Christmas because of what a bad child I was. So I did cooperate. I had my hair cut and I put on that friggin hideous outfit and I smiled for the stupid picture. And then I kept my feelings to myself... until my mother caught me crying right after Christmas and I told her the entire story. Bless my mom and how awesome she is! She and my dad had a conversation about boundaries with the grandparents (my dad's parents). And my dear sweet mother took that picture down and put it away forever. (She thought it was horrid anyways!)

So I'm a bit nutty when it comes to cutting a child's hair without their permission. I usually trim my daughters' hair myself... after discussing with them how much they want it trimmed. And typically if they want it much shorter I'll trim an inch or two first and then wait a week or two to see if they still want more trimmed. DS is easy... even at age 2 he wants his hair like Daddy's. So he gets a quick buzz cut.

Oh, and for people who have issues with tangled hair... I have very thick hair. Like so thick if I wear it to my waist and then cut it to bra strap I lose 8 lbs. My older DD has super thick hair like mine. I use conditioner on her in the shower and also comb it through with a spray leave-in conditioner right after her shower. I usually braid it into 2 braids at night so it stays neat while she sleeps.

Done with my venting,
Beth

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc

Totally abusive.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by buttercup784ever

I'm really sick of these threads about "friends" turning into bash fests. These people aren't here to explain themselves, and the OP only has an outside view of what happened. I guess it makes some people feel like awesome parents when they can bash someone else without all the facts.

I would need to vent if I encountered this irl - it seems preferable to vent to people that don`t know them over people that do. I don`t feel like a better mom when I read these threads but I am reminded again of what I don`t want to do and why I am on the parenting path I have chosen.