Cutting your daughter's hair REALLLLLLY short. - Page 4

[blazer]

Having just had to do this in September because my you gest was twisting and pulling to the point of a bald spot, I certainly don't think it was abusive OR overreacting from a high level. Since I don't know how the family interacts, I will just leave it there.

Also since I went through the experience I will say the outside world and my casual freibds truely do not know what the thought process or the steps I took before we got to the cut it off stage.

[angelcollector1]

I always had hair down to my butt until I was 7 and my aunt took me to get it cut up to my shoulders without my parents' permission because it was so thick and easily snarled that she felt it should be short and easy to manage and look good. I was very upset and so were my parents. Needless to say I still remember that to this day..almost 40 years later.

[honeybee]

I dunno... my ds1 has a bad habit of sucking on his fingers. He's 6, he really should be over it by now. So maybe I should just get his fingers surgically removed.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

Totally abusive.

Thats what I was thinking when I posted my reply, how humiliated the girl must have been.

Originally Posted by honeybee

I dunno... my ds1 has a bad habit of sucking on his fingers. He's 6, he really should be over it by now. So maybe I should just get his fingers surgically removed.

I know I shouldn't laught at this, but I thought this analogy was great.

[choli]

I wouldn't be too quick to judge. I suffer from trichotillomania, and it started with hair twisting around that age. If my mother had shaved my head then, it might just have prevented the development of a condition that has had a horrible impact on my life.

By the way, I shave my head now, and don't consider it in any way humiliating - certainly not as humiliating as being unable to stop pulling my own hair out.

[AbbieB]

I think an adult dealing with trichotillomania and deciding that shaving her head is what works best for her is completely different than the situation the OP described.

[choli]

Originally Posted by AbbieB

I think an adult dealing with trichotillomania and deciding that shaving her head is what works best for her is completely different than the situation the OP described.

It is a somewhat different situation in that the decision seems to have been made by the mother. If my mother had done the same, it's quite possible that I WOULD NOT now be an adult dealing with trichotillomania, and that would certainly have been well worth a few months with a buzzed head as a 5 year old.

[JamieCatheryn]

Wow, when DH (yes a guy) at age 12 (yeah, twelve) had his hair buzzed off as a punishment the school counselor was prodding him to admit it was abuse (he pretended he wanted it done to avoid a lot of imposed nonsense).

Unless she agrees to it for real a huge sudden difference in haircut, especially to an unusual one, is not cool to do to a 5 year old girl.

[jeliphish]

Cruel...

[bjerme]

I would consider that abuse, what a horrible thing to do.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

With the amount of information we have, I do consider it emotionally abusive. It isn't just an "ugly haircut". They shaved her head and seem to be doing their damndest to humiliate her on top of the natural humiliation the girl will go through in school and out in public in general. Unnecessarily cruel IMO.

Asking to have your head shaved would be a whole different story. Getting your hair cut short (not shaved!) if other options hadn't worked to get rid of lice would be a different story. What the OP describes is over the line of ok - and I am pretty mainstream in the MDC world.

Originally Posted by eepster

Spanking though painful only lasts a few minutes. It isn't odd and unusual (though most of us wish it were considered that way.) Once it is over it is over.

CIO, only lasts a few hours at most, and is pretty common.

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.

eepster described it perfectly. Poor girl...

[eepster]

Originally Posted by choli

It is a somewhat different situation in that the decision seems to have been made by the mother. If my mother had done the same, it's quite possible that I WOULD NOT now be an adult dealing with trichotillomania, and that would certainly have been well worth a few months with a buzzed head as a 5 year old.

While I can see this, wouldn't it be a last resort, not the first action taken.

How about as a first step braiding the child hair everyday. If that didn't work, pin the hair back into a tight bun. If it's still not working how about a bandanna tied around her hair. Then if it's still bad one could go for a short but girlish style (which according to the OP, the poor child had agreed to, but her parent rejected as not severe enough.) Shaving the head would be the last resort after all the other things had been tried.

Never mind that during all those attempts to physically prevent the child from twirling her hair, if it truly was at the point where it bordered on trichotillomania, and wasn't just a run of the mill common girl twirling hair habit, then she should also have been receiving counseling for her anxiety.

[cowboyjunki]

I think this is so horribly sad, and I do consider it to be emotional abuse. The fact that they did it, then sent pictures to everyone, shows that they were trying to "teach her a lesson" and humiliate her.

I feel so bad for that little girl having to deal with all the teasing and emotional after effects of this act of cruelty. It sounds like something from the movie "Mommie Dearest".

[mamadelbosque]

How is sending pictures of your kid with their new haircut that they maybe didn't want (but NEEDED - pulling hair out is NOT good - we did this to my Ds1 this summer and have kept it short as he was literally pulling his hair out and making bald spots on his head!!), trying to humiliate them?? I'd have gotten it and chuckled and smiled... I just don't get how this is 'abuse' emotional or otherwise. Its hair. It grows back. But as someone whose done this to my DS1 (and his sex had nothing to do with the decision - if I ever have a daughter whose pulling her hair out, she'll be getting a buzz too!!), and yes, we took pictures before, during and after and put them online for all the world to see, I just do NOT get it. This was done (from what I got from the posts), to keep her from pulling her hair out, not as a punishment but as a SOLUTION.

[choli]

Originally Posted by mamadelbosque

How is sending pictures of your kid with their new haircut that they maybe didn't want (but NEEDED - pulling hair out is NOT good - we did this to my Ds1 this summer and have kept it short as he was literally pulling his hair out and making bald spots on his head!!), trying to humiliate them?? I'd have gotten it and chuckled and smiled... I just don't get how this is 'abuse' emotional or otherwise. Its hair. It grows back. But as someone whose done this to my DS1 (and his sex had nothing to do with the decision - if I ever have a daughter whose pulling her hair out, she'll be getting a buzz too!!), and yes, we took pictures before, during and after and put them online for all the world to see, I just do NOT get it. This was done (from what I got from the posts), to keep her from pulling her hair out, not as a punishment but as a SOLUTION.

That was the sense that I got from the original post - that this was a solution. I think that perhaps Blazer, you and myself are the only ones who see it that way because we are the only ones who have personal experience of the problem either with ourselves or our kids.

Bald spots are a lot more unattractive, humiliating and hard to explain than a buzz cut. I speak from hard experience.

[eepster]

The OP said the child was twirling her hair and it caused tangles. It is a huge leap from that to bald spots.

Simply twirling hair is an extremely common habit of little girls. The most often heard complaint about it with grown-ups who still do it (and yes I've known some, and none had bald spots from it) is simply that they should have out grown the habit, b/c it makes them seem immature. Of course a 5 yo is immature, so that hardly seems like a valid reason to be concerned.

[annekevdbroek]

I think it is cruel. I think that sending the photo out to everyone is so insensitive and only serves to further humiliate the child.

If I had that problem with my son (who has shoulder length hair) I'd encourage him to get some reasonable cut. Shaving off his hair against his will would be such a violation. I I think it was a terribly mean and insensitive thing for the parents to do and I have little doubt the child will remember it for the rest of her life without any fond feelings for how her parents treated her in the situation.

[Mama2Jesse]

Originally Posted by major_mama11

I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...

Yep. Poor girlie.

[fairejour]

Originally Posted by choli

It is a somewhat different situation in that the decision seems to have been made by the mother. If my mother had done the same, it's quite possible that I WOULD NOT now be an adult dealing with trichotillomania, and that would certainly have been well worth a few months with a buzzed head as a 5 year old.

It is entirely possible that you would have switched to pulling out different hair. My hubby twisted his hair until it fell out and he had a huge bald spot when he was a child, they cut his hair and now he pulls out his eyebrows.

[choli]

Originally Posted by fairejour

It is entirely possible that you would have switched to pulling out different hair. My hubby twisted his hair until it fell out and he had a huge bald spot when he was a child, they cut his hair and now he pulls out his eyebrows.

Yes, that's pretty common with trich. It's also entirely possible that I would have returned to hairpulling as soon as my hair grew enough to grab. I guess I will never know if it would have helped - but I still wish my mother had tried buzzing it before the behaviour became ingrained.