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Cutting your daughter's hair REALLLLLLY short. - Page 5

post #81 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
That was the sense that I got from the original post - that this was a solution. I think that perhaps Blazer, you and myself are the only ones who see it that way because we are the only ones who have personal experience of the problem either with ourselves or our kids.

Bald spots are a lot more unattractive, humiliating and hard to explain than a buzz cut. I speak from hard experience.
I had Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania to the point of having bald spots and scars, and I'd NEVER do to my child what the OP described. My OCD is anxiety related so whenever folks tried to pull that kind of sh*t on me as a kid, it made things a lot worse. Best things that helped me is when I stopped consuming all aspartame (it makes my brain go spinny). It actually stopped much of the compulsion by 80%. Cognitive therapy has helped me quite the rest of the way. This was something I had been fighting for nearly 30 years.
post #82 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry Alive View Post
I have Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania to the point of having bald spots and scars, and I'd NEVER do to my child what the OP described. My OCD is anxiety related so whenever folks tried to pull that kind of sh*t on me as a kid, it made things a lot worse. Best things that helped me is when I stopped consuming all aspartame and also cognitive therapy.
It's interesting that you found the cognitive therapy helpful, it wasn't really much help for me, nor were any of the medications I've tried. Are you in remission now? Maybe I should give the therapy another shot.

I should probably stop disrailing this thread...
post #83 of 96
That poor little girl. I, too, had a haircut that I did not want inflicted on me. While I wasn't as young as the little girl in the OP, it still haunts me to this day. Like her, I had a habit of twisting my hair and when I became nervous or agitated, it became worse. So when I was 15, my mother decided to *hack* off my hair with kitchen shears. It went from being 3/4 of the way down my back to just below my earlobes with exceedingly short bangs (they didn't even reach the middle of my forehead) in a matter of minutes. The humiliation still haunts me and I still won't have my hair that short because it brings back too many memories. This was utterly wrong and abusive of the friend. I'm so sorry she did that to her daughter.
post #84 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
It's interesting that you found the cognitive therapy helpful, it wasn't really much help for me, nor were any of the medications I've tried. Are you in remission now? Maybe I should give the therapy another shot.

I should probably stop disrailing this thread...
I am not in complete remission yet. I occasionally relapse for about 1/2 hour once a month or less, but I've completely stopped picking my face and pulling my hair for over a year—and that is huge.

Before that, I literally would be in the bathroom for hours. It was amazing how much it helped to stop consuming nutrasweet... I thought maybe it was the caffeine, but other caffeinated products don't bother me...yet uncaffeinated Diet Coke makes me as crazy as the regular kind. Even gum with aspartame has triggered episodes with me.

Cognitive therapy has done wonders, but it's taken me a long time to find someone decent. I'm also working some other things out with EMDR therapy. I tried meds, but for me they did more harm than good.

It took me a bit of research to find a good therapist to deal with the hair pulling and skin picking. I went through probably 5 or more before finding one who was any good. A lot of people do not understand obsessive hair pulling and skin picking. I even met some shrinks who acted disgusted by it.

I ended up using Psychology Today's list to find local therapists in my area who took my insurance and had experience with OCD (http://therapists.psychologytoday.co...rof_search.php). I picked out 4, set up consultation appointments, and interviewed them. The lady I'm seeing right now is awesome. She's helping me so much!

Online support groups have also been incredibly helpful. Being able to find others who have the same issue and can openly discuss it really helps. I try to be open with my DH about it too...like if I relapse I tell him and then we try to figure out what could have triggered it.

Back to the topic, I think shaming a child (or an adult) is not the way to go, because it can make one want to hid his/her problems. I've certainly been there.

Buzzing a kid's hair to stop hair pulling could work, but only if the kid understood why, that he/she wasn't being punished, and was on board to do it. That is certainly not the impression I received from the OP—and I just can't see that a five year old girl would voluntarily have her had shaved to stop her hair pulling...especially not have it (the buzz cut and her hair pulling) advertised to family and friends. That's just mean and chances are it could make things so much worse.
post #85 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by cowboyjunki View Post
I think this is so horribly sad, and I do consider it to be emotional abuse. The fact that they did it, then sent pictures to everyone, shows that they were trying to "teach her a lesson" and humiliate her.

I feel so bad for that little girl having to deal with all the teasing and emotional after effects of this act of cruelty. It sounds like something from the movie "Mommie Dearest".
Agreed. They sound sadistic.
post #86 of 96
What a horrible, horrible thing to do to a child.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
I bet you she will remember this forever. This and the aftermath, the teasing she'll have to listen to.

My mom didn't want to deal with long hair so she kept mine short. Not buzzed short, but not much longer. It was awful, people made so much fun of me. And I didn't even have any bad habits, just a mom who didn't like long hair.
Me too. I hated being mistaken for a boy. I felt ugly. I have had LONG hair ever since I had a chance to decide for myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?
I think it is abusive. Threats and humiliation is abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post
Twisting hair like she was doing is a symptom of stress, which isn't surprising if this is a good example of how her mother treats her. To send out photo's? Thats just vendictive!


The first thiyng that came to mind was the way French women were punish for sleeping with the enemy!
I had about the same association - to the way Norwegian girls who had fallen in love with Germans were punished after the war.
post #87 of 96
Awful.

The thing is, I'm not opposed to cutting hair in and of itself. When I was that age, I had wild hair that I never wanted to brush. Seriously, totally my own choice. My parents gave me a month to sort myself out....they'd already tried buying me a cool hair dryer & brush set, thinking that it if were fun or special, I'd take more interest.....my mom always tried to help, etc. But finally, they said that if after that month I hadn't started brushing/combing my hair (or letting my mom brush it for me) they'd have it cut short. Mind you...when I look back at pictures, my pre-cut hair that I thought was fab was actually really a big mess and not nice at all. Then the times I did have to brush for school or whatever were always big ordeals.

At any rate, I did end up with a short hair cut, BUT...a hair stylist came over (we were in Germany at the time) and gave me at least something stylish. I still didn't love it, but in this situation it felt less abusive somehow...even then, I knew it was simply a consequence of a choice I had made, and I'm actually glad they stuck with it.

Even if this girl is better of with somewhat shorter hair, there were millions of better ways to do it. In my case, they'd tried to be kind, they'd tried to be helpful, they'd tried to make it fun & special, and they tried to let me know what the consequence was. And I still looked like a totally normal girl when it was done.

What happened to your friend's daughter is just horrible...humiliating, beyond reason, anxiety producing (which likely led to the twirling in the first place), and just mean. I don't think they'll get off so easy for this one in the long run....had this happened to me (instead of the similar but VERY different event in my life), I don't know that I'd be okay with it 35 years later. In fact, I'm sure I wouldn't . The picture swapping is the nail in the coffin, in my opinion.

hugs to that poor girl.
post #88 of 96

wait...i missed the age...

ok, so disregard my last post...i was like 8 when it happened. I missed that this poor thing was only 5!!! Worse, worse, worse....
so sad.
post #89 of 96
this type of situation makes me so sad! its the perfect case of 'build 'em up to knock them down'. how sad! i am sure at some point this little girl was told how pretty she looked with her hair. and now she has none...

it is really sad to me that someone would do this to a child. i had very long hair that was thick, long, fine and curly! i would have been more then devastated if my mom would have done this to me and my hair was no picnic to care for!

poor thing!
post #90 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
Way overreacting.

I bet you she will remember this forever. This and the aftermath, the teasing she'll have to listen to.

My mom didn't want to deal with long hair so she kept mine short. Not buzzed short, but not much longer. It was awful, people made so much fun of me. And I didn't even have any bad habits, just a mom who didn't like long hair.
post #91 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by fairejour View Post
I disagree.

If someone cut off all my hair, without my permission, it would be a horrible moment, something that I would never forgive. Is it somehow "worse" because I am an adult, and no one has the right to do it? NO! Children are people too! Just because we, as parents, "have the right" to do it, does NOT make it ok. They (should) have the right to wholeness in their bodies, and the right to say who touches their body and in what way.
This.
There are SOO many other choices, besides buzzing the poor girls head. My son has very long hair, and it tangles like there is no tomorrow. AND he absolutely hates, hates, HATES to wash it and comb it. But I would never, ever buzz his head against his will. That is such an abuse of parental power, in my mind.
post #92 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by eepster View Post
Spanking though painful only lasts a few minutes. It isn't odd and unusual (though most of us wish it were considered that way.) Once it is over it is over.

CIO, only lasts a few hours at most, and is pretty common.

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.
Great post. And very true. Sad, but true. Poor, poor girl.
post #93 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post
Twisting hair like she was doing is a symptom of stress, which isn't surprising if this is a good example of how her mother treats her. To send out photo's? Thats just vendictive!


The first thiyng that came to mind was the way French women were punish for sleeping with the enemy!
Or it's a self-soothing device, like thumbsucking.

My DD twists her hair (twoodles it, we call it). She started out by twoodling my hair while she was nursing, and then when she grew some of her own, she would twoodle it in her sleep. It's not a stress thing -- it's just what she does as she's falling asleep.

We do keep her hair relatively short, and one reason for that is that it's naturally curly, and we had to cut her finger out of it once when she'd twoodled it so tightly it was turning blue and we couldn't get it untangled. I wouldn't *shave* her head for it, although I have told her that if she won't let me brush her hair regularly she needs to get a haircut like her brother's (crew cut).

Her brother had severe sensory issues around haircuts, hair washing, and hairbrushing, and beginning when he was about 5, we just started taking him to the barber and having him sheared like a sheep every 6 months. I'm sure some here woudl find that "abusive" because he did not enjoy the actual shearing, but he definitely did not mind the outcome -- he likes his "fuzzy head" when its freshly done.

So without knowing more of the story, I wouldn't call it abusive per se -- though it has the potential to be. I know, for instance, that my mom wouldnt' "let" me grow my hair long when I was DD's age, because I also hated combing/brushing etc, and Mom said that if you can't care for long hair, you don't get to have it. I have never held that against her, because now that I've had long hair, I know she's right. And any teasing for having short hair (which I never ran into), can't be any worse than the teasing the other girls would give you for having scraggly unkempt hair.
post #94 of 96
Hey, this thread is only a week old!

Cutting their daughter's hair so extremely short is a punishment. Her parents are trying to solve a problem by punishing her. A better solution is for them to help and guide her. Mom should have educated her that keeping her long hair mostly tangle-free is her responsibility. If she's having a hard time doing that, then she needs to let Mom help her. If she doesn't want Mom to touch her hair, then she needs to cut it short enough that she can keep it nice. It's not a punishment, it's helpful parental guidance.

And then give her a decent, girly short cut. The buzz cut is what makes it obvious that they're punishing her, not just trying to help her learn from the situation.

I went through a similar situation with my own dd. She has thick hair, got knots at the base of her neck. She never was one to let me brush her hair, but she wouldn't brush it properly herself. The knots got ridiculous to the point that the only way to get them out was to cut them out. I let nature take its course, I didn't punish my daughter, she learned how important it is to care for her long hair without me having to damage our relationship. (And yes, it drove me up a wall! It's one of my disappointments from motherhood, that my daughter has a sensitive scalp and could never stand to let me mess with her hair. She never let me braid it or anything! Oh well, it's not my head, ya know?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?
Exactly!
post #95 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by savithny View Post
Or it's a self-soothing device, like thumbsucking.

My DD twists her hair (twoodles it, we call it). She started out by twoodling my hair while she was nursing, and then when she grew some of her own, she would twoodle it in her sleep. It's not a stress thing -- it's just what she does as she's falling asleep.

We do keep her hair relatively short, and one reason for that is that it's naturally curly, and we had to cut her finger out of it once when she'd twoodled it so tightly it was turning blue and we couldn't get it untangled. I wouldn't *shave* her head for it, although I have told her that if she won't let me brush her hair regularly she needs to get a haircut like her brother's (crew cut).

Her brother had severe sensory issues around haircuts, hair washing, and hairbrushing, and beginning when he was about 5, we just started taking him to the barber and having him sheared like a sheep every 6 months. I'm sure some here woudl find that "abusive" because he did not enjoy the actual shearing, but he definitely did not mind the outcome -- he likes his "fuzzy head" when its freshly done.

So without knowing more of the story, I wouldn't call it abusive per se -- though it has the potential to be. I know, for instance, that my mom wouldnt' "let" me grow my hair long when I was DD's age, because I also hated combing/brushing etc, and Mom said that if you can't care for long hair, you don't get to have it. I have never held that against her, because now that I've had long hair, I know she's right. And any teasing for having short hair (which I never ran into), can't be any worse than the teasing the other girls would give you for having scraggly unkempt hair.
1) The girl in the OP is 5. I don't know your DD's age, but it sounds like you started her on short hair at a very early age. At 5, though, I can imagine it's pretty traumatizing for a little girl to go from long to short hair against her wishes.

2) The child in the OP is a girl. You are talking about your BOY loving his buzzcut. Of course it's okay for your son to have such short hair. A buzzcut is a stereotypical boy cut. He won't be picked on for it like a little girl would. Big difference.

3) The parents described in the OP sent the child's photo out to friends and family. She was frowning in the photo. That sounds like they either are making fun of her or punishing her. Either way it's sadistic.

My DD also has curly hair—like her father. It's not long enough to do anything with yet, but when it grows out I hope never to cut it short (unless she *wants* it that way).

Why should she be penalized just for having different hair than me?

I plan to research my DD's hair type. I know for a fact there are tons of decent hair products that make curls soft and silky to prevent knots. I'll even hunt down an awesome hairdresser if it comes down to it. Obviously it can't be that impossible to care for a child's curls.
post #96 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry Alive View Post
1)

My DD also has curly hair—like her father. It's not long enough to do anything with yet, but when it grows out I hope never to cut it short (unless she *wants* it that way).

Why should she be penalized just for having different hair than me?

I plan to research my DD's hair type. I know for a fact there are tons of decent hair products that make curls soft and silky to prevent knots. I'll even hunt down an awesome hairdresser if it comes down to it. Obviously it can't be that impossible to care for a child's curls.
There's nothing penalizing about short hair, IMO. We did grow my DD's hair out for quite awhile, but we realized that the upkeep on it was becoming oppressive to her as well as to us. She hated having it brushed, and while it is curly, it doesn't just spring into neat curls all over if left to itself -- parts of it get stringy, parts of it get cowlicky.

Hatred of having hair washed, or brushed, or cut, is not uncommon in kids. You can find the best hairdresser in the world for your child's hair type, and if they SCREAM and wiggle while the hairdresser is trying to do his/her job, it doesn't make any difference how good they are.

We bobbed DD's hair to just above chin length when she was 5. It was only the 2nd haircut she'd had in her life -- and she loved it. It no longer snarls as badly when she twoodles, it takes a few seconds to brush out, and she can wash it herself. We faced the reality of both her hair type and her personality, and while we made the decision to cut her hair, she's certainly not been penalized in any way for it.
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