Am I justified in being angry?

[NaturalMindedMomma]

I am EBFing our 4 month old. My DH has been supportive, but has some issues with it in public.

I do not use a cover. often my breast is exposed and that less than bothers me...

We have been over to his fathers once. As soon as I had to nurse DH wanted to leave and wanted me to wait till we got home. I am not sure what the big deal was, but whatever. So now he calls me about 15 minutes ago wanting to go over to his dads for Thanksgiving (but tonight instead). The baby is cluster feeding and I have been going all day long. I told him I won't hide in a corner or leave everytime she needs to nurse but I would be more than happy to go. He says "FORGET IT, I am not sure how you nursing out in the open would go over". UMMMM WTF??? ARE U KIDDING ME???

Not sure how to approach this?

[weliveintheforest]

I would be upset by that too.

[paquerette]

How is your relationship with FIL? Could you talk to him, ask him what he thinks about it? FIL isn't going to have much of a relationship with his grandchild if you can't take him to his house for a few years, yanno? If your husband thinks this is too showy or whatever, wait until you have a toddler hanging upside down on your shoulder, or standing on your lap with his butt in the air, humming and grinning while nursing. Hubby kind of needs to get over himself now.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

Exactly my point...

I am not very close to FIL and honestly do not like him very much. He lives with his mom (DH's memere). They are extremely religious. I can see them being uncomfortable about it. Besides DH and I having the issues we have had in the past they do not like me very much either.

My DH and I have issues as it is lately. I am actually in the process of trying to get out of the relationship (long story). So this really makes me MAD. I confronted him about it when he got here and he said he didn't see the big deal of going in the bathroom or using a cover... He knows how passionate I am about this and doesn't care. I am so hurt, angry, and annoyed right now...

[noobmom]

In my house, I don't leave the room to nurse. But in someone's else's house, if it makes them uncomfortable, I prefer to leave the room, assuming I'm in a common area in the first place. I would NOT go to the bathroom (eww) of course, but if they offered me a bedroom, I gladly go. To be honest, I often used nursing as an excuse to just take a break from everyone else. Since you don't really get along well with the ILs anyway, it might work out that way for you. I do nurse in public all the time, but I don't feel the need to make a big deal about it in other people's homes.

[DCMama01]

I can see his point, honestly, particularly when you're in someone else's home. It's being considerate of others.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by noobmom

In my house, I don't leave the room to nurse. But in someone's else's house, if it makes them uncomfortable, I prefer to leave the room, assuming I'm in a common area in the first place. I would NOT go to the bathroom (eww) of course, but if they offered me a bedroom, I gladly go. To be honest, I often used nursing as an excuse to just take a break from everyone else. Since you don't really get along well with the ILs anyway, it might work out that way for you. I do nurse in public all the time, but I don't feel the need to make a big deal about it in other people's homes.

[lifeguard]

I agree with pp when in other people's homes I'm more careful to make sure they are comfortable. I wouldn't go in the bathroom but I would certainly go into a bedroom or other unused room to bf if I felt anyone might be uncomfortable. In my home not a chance.

[pumpkin]

I get the whole "their house, their rules" thing. That does not mean I would take DD anywhere we weren't welcome and not being ok to nurse and eat with everyone else is not welcome. I would not go to another room or cover more than normal. If they aren't ok with that then arrange visits in your home or in neutral locations.

[GoldmanBaby09]

You mentioned FIL being religious--is he Catholic or Christian? If so, you might want to remind him that Jesus was a breastfed baby!

Tongue-in-cheek aside, I think it is unreasonable for your husband to ask you to leave the house to nurse. If your child is hungry, your child is hungry. You could always try to nurse up as much as possible before you leave so your baby can go as long as possible before the next feeding. But I don't apologize for giving my baby the best possible nutrition and boobs were made for nursing. I never use a cover no matter where I am, though I will often go to an unused room if we are at my IL's house. And like the other poster said, I enjoy having a quiet break away from everyone with my baby. I also think it is good for my son, who can get over stimulated from having my IL's in his face while we are visiting. And maybe I am a little too severe, but I feel others need to get over themselves in regards to seeing a breastfeeding mom. That is their issue, not yours.

[jeliphish]

I try to be considerate in other people's homes. I do not feel comfortable exposing my breast to nurse in front of others... Even though my family and my in-laws are completely supportive of breastfeeding I chose to use my shirt to cover the exposed part of my boob.
I would have been upset at your dh's approach but can't there be a middle ground... Can you nurse and just not expose as much? There are ways to do that without using a blanket. Even though breastfeeding is wonderful and natural, the fact still remains that some people just aren't comfortable seeing an exposed breast... I don't think that's unreasonable.

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

I get the whole "their house, their rules" thing. That does not mean I would take DD anywhere we weren't welcome and not being ok to nurse and eat with everyone else is not welcome. I would not go to another room or cover more than normal. If they aren't ok with that then arrange visits in your home or in neutral locations.

Pumpkin managed to my thoughts into words better than I could have. Thanks!

[Ruthla]

Yes, I'd be angry if my "D"H said something like that to me.

If I wasn't welcome to nurse my baby at the table with the family during a holiday meal, I wouldn't consider myself welcome at that person's home, period. No, you can't force FIL to let you nurse in his living room or dining room, but you also have the option of declining FIL's invitation.

[HollyBearsMom]

Honestly? it sounds like there is WAY more going on then just the fact your FIL wants you to cover up.....

I breast fed my son everywhere and anywhere and never used a cover. I also had a husband who was VERY supportive. However I respected him enough that if someone in his family felt strongly enough that it made them uncomfortable I would keep the peace. I would not compromise my beliefs but I would respect their wishes.

In your case you no longer want to be married to your husband and are actively trying to get out of the marrage, you don't like your FIL and they don't like you. Based on all this I think your only options are:

• Stay home (Why do you even want to go? Did I miss that?) This what I would do
• Go and be polite-either cover up or go to another room. Basically keep the peace
• Choose today to "make a stand". What do you have to lose? You don't ever have to go to their house again if choose. Your (soon to be x) can keep up the visits with grandparents

I know that I am the exception here but I love and actually like my family enough to put up with what *I* consider minor issues. My family knows I am a lactavist and know my feelings about NIP. So while NIP was never an issue I can tell you there are many othre instances where we all have compromised.

[johnsmom]

I see this a simple case of your husband choosing to bow to family pressure instead of choosing to support his wife and child.

Breastfeeding is never shameful. Nobody who loves or respects you should ever expect you to leave a family gathering (to which you have been invited, nursling in tow) to feed your child in another room.
I think if someone invites me to visit and share a meal in their home WITH my nursing toddler, they should be prepared to catch a glimpse of boob skin. If that's more than their sensibilities can handle, I'll stay home without complaint.
BUT, don't expect me to happily accept being banished to another room, while everyone else enjoys food and conversation just because I have a hungry/fussy kid who needs to nurse. If my baby's not welcome to dine at the dinner table, I don't want to either.

Thankfully, my family puts the needs of its very youngest members above the hang-ups of the older ones.

[RiverSky]

Tell your DH you will handle it.

When at FIL's, your baby deserves to eat whenever he needs to, so feed him on demand. Do not bother covering, don't run and hide, just nurse. If FIL says anything, just say, "Doesn't your grandson deserve to eat, just like we do? I'd think you'd thanking me for giving him the very best diet for his brain & body that any parent could give him, so that he will grow up smarter, stronger, healthier. If you are worried about my feelings, please don't, I feel fine and look how happy sweet little grandchild is."

If he still insists that there is something wrong with it, or "not in my house", then you can talk about Jesus being breastfed by Mary, and how in conservative countries, even women who cover their hair and bodies breastfeed in public, because it is not considered obscene, it's considered natural and healthy.

Good luck!

[NaturalMindedMomma]

Thanks for all the replies...

He mentioned pumping, the fact that his family would just not understand why I had not pumped. Then suggested I try harder to get the baby used to a bottle. UMMMM that kid HATES bottles. This is just a huge sign to me that we are not important. He doesn't see the harm in forcing a bottle or whatever to make OTHERS more comfortable. UGH.

I made a compromise that if we are going out as a family and he wants to defrost a baggie of my milk and make a bottle and then try to get the baby to take it, he is welcome to do that. I also told him, at family gatherings on his side I would use another room (not the bathroom and would not leave or use the car). I also told him I would not take time out of my busy dy, devoted time for my children and household errands, to force a bottle into my babies mouth to watch her wretch and cry. That is ludacris....

Inside I am still fuming. The reason I was agreeing to go is because even in seperating, his family deserves to see them and he is STILL their father. I am also not comfortable in having my nursling away from me or over FIL's without me (long story). I am just not trusting of my DD's being there without my watchful eye.

I just feel like our little 4 month old nursing is completely beautiful and harmless and so helpful/beneficial. I am so tired of this being a discussion. I just want to feed my baby.

[morgainesmama]

I would be angry.

However, it could be that something in his history with his family makes him uncomfortable.

Because of some major childhood issues with my family, my brothers were super uncomfortable when I breastfed around them, and I was not comfortable exposing myself around my father, so I covered with a receiving blanket. It is, really, I think, the only time I ever covered with a receiving blanket, was with my family -- not because they asked, but because I/my family were not comfortable with my body exposed.

It might not be that at all -- but somehow, dealing with our parents can make us do strange things.

That said, you need to do what is right for you. And as someone who separated when my third nursling was a year old, I just need to tell you, mama -- it was HARD. The judge forced overnights, and it was hard. I know that's not the topic of this thread, but I felt compelled to mention it ...

[paulamc]

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