15 month old & tantrums~How to deal?(Read 2nd post plz)

[Latte Mama]

Cross posted from Toddlers where I got only 1 response.

DS has already mastered the art of tantruming when he wants something to go his way. Oh and he knows how to do the "limp noodle" too .

My question is this; At his age (almost 15 months), is it ok to kind of give in if it's not disruptive to our routine or what we're doing? I'll give one example. Today I was doing laundry in the communal laundry room in our building. It's on our floor, literally 10 feet from my apt. but I usually go alone. Well DS wanted to go with me and threw a mini tantrum complete with kicking and crying. I let him come because it was fine with me.

I *think* he's still so young that he won't learn manipulation, am I right? Should I be placing any boundaries at all?

[Latte Mama]

Nobody? Am I phrasing the question wrong?

I'll try again. When younger toddlers tantrum, are they being manipulative even any of the time? If I give in to the tantrum, am I setting us both up so that he will always tantrum to get what he wants? Sometimes I don't mind giving him what he wants because it's perfectly reasonable. Other times, not so much. Like he cannot go to work with me.

How much limit setting or boundaries should I be doing at this stage?

[LCBMAX]

OK, I'll bite.

I don't believe there is manipulation, in the way that we understand it as adults at that age, and I still don't see it in my son at 21 months.

When my guy tantrums (and in the past 2 weeks, I have gotten more experience than in his life to date entirely!) he is really and truly grief-stricken by the absence of the train at the crossing... the fact that the cat left the room... my insistence on pjs in a cold bedroom... whatever. Sometimes he really and truly does need me to just stop what I'm doing and connect with him before he can move on. In the actual tantrum, he's screaming "Mama pick UUUPPPP - MILK on the sofa! Right now!" But if I can get past my frustration about really really wanting to wash the dishes so I can start cooking a thxgvg meal, and kneel down and hug him, and maybe go to the sofa for some nursing, then we can sort out what set him off, and I can help him get some realistic expectations for what happens when he pulls the cat's tail. Then he needs to know what's happening next, and then he needs redirection. I happen to have a super-communicative little guy, but he needed all that even before he had words. If your child doesn't have words or signs, they're likely to express their frustration even more effectively, if less verbally!

So, yes, his tantrum got him what he wanted and needed, but not necessarily what he was saying he wanted. To me, manipulation can mean that someone is angling to get something they don't really deserve or need. When the baby cries - he needs something. And yours really is still a baby. Definitely you should "give in" if you can, but even more, try to change the dynamic from "giving in" to meeting his needs as best you can.

The book Unconditional Parenting addresses this really well.

Good luck on the laundry!

[ssh]

Tantrums are how babies and toddlers learn to deal with overwhelming emotions. A child has to have high level reasoning skills to be manipulative. Babies and toddlers just haven't developed to that point. Depending on whos theories you're reading it's somewhere between 4 and 7 that a person is able to think abstractly enough to manipulate someone else. One way to avoid 'giving in' is not to say no unless it really has to be no. At this age it's more about meeting his needs and everyone being happy instead of setting limits. Redirecting will be the best technique right now. If something is dangerous then it's always offlimits, also reinforce the concept of 'be gentle' anytime he hits, bites or pulls hair. Just an "owie, touch gentle" while stroking his hand softly works.

We always "gave in" if our no didn't have a real reason, and mainly just comforted for tantrums when the request was completely undo able. Our DD is 4 now, and has good manners for the most part and even listens a lot of the time. The tantrums became a lot less by 3 and are very seldom now.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX

If your child doesn't have words or signs, they're likely to express their frustration even more effectively, if less verbally!

So, yes, his tantrum got him what he wanted and needed, but not necessarily what he was saying he wanted. To me, manipulation can mean that someone is angling to get something they don't really deserve or need. When the baby cries - he needs something. And yours really is still a baby. Definitely you should "give in" if you can, but even more, try to change the dynamic from "giving in" to meeting his needs as best you can.

The book Unconditional Parenting addresses this really well.

Good luck on the laundry!

Thanks! Yes my DS is non verbal, he knows some signs (still learning) butI can see where his frustration gets increased trying to make his needs known. I have no problem giving in at all and feel so much better when I can halt the tantrum.

Originally Posted by ssh

Tantrums are how babies and toddlers learn to deal with overwhelming emotions. A child has to have high level reasoning skills to be manipulative. Babies and toddlers just haven't developed to that point. Depending on whos theories you're reading it's somewhere between 4 and 7 that a person is able to think abstractly enough to manipulate someone else. One way to avoid 'giving in' is not to say no unless it really has to be no. At this age it's more about meeting his needs and everyone being happy instead of setting limits. Redirecting will be the best technique right now. If something is dangerous then it's always offlimits, also reinforce the concept of 'be gentle' anytime he hits, bites or pulls hair. Just an "owie, touch gentle" while stroking his hand softly works.

We always "gave in" if our no didn't have a real reason, and mainly just comforted for tantrums when the request was completely undo able. Our DD is 4 now, and has good manners for the most part and even listens a lot of the time. The tantrums became a lot less by 3 and are very seldom now.

Thank you. I needed to hear this because it confirms what I suspected. I'm glad that I was doing the right thing . Raising my sister wasn't like this, that kid never tantrumed!

[francesruben]

Ds is the same age and has really started losing it if things don't go his way. I don't think he's being manipulative at all but is genuinely frustrated. Diversion is the best tactic I know of at this age. I'm also trying to teach him to ask for help by saying "Mama" instead of screaming.

[battymama]

No real advice, but my 18 mo dd has been going through the same thing. She has a few words but not really enough to get across what she wants. The last few days have been hell, she had a 20 min temper tantrum in the shop the other day it is sooooooooooooo stress full. She also gets really agressive, biting, pinching, pulling hair and hitting us, it is so hard to keep your cool and work out what is going on and how to help her when she is in such a state.

I dont really believe in manipulation either, well rather i do just not in a negative way, they are just working out how the world works and how to communicate. What i try to do (notice the word try? ) is to get her calmed down before "giving" in, like if she wants some food, and i am cooling it off and she has a tantrum, then i calm her down, talk to her and then when she is calm give it to her. I dont mind her having the food, i just dont want her getting hurt, she is just too little to understand, i was just giving in while the tantrum was happening, but i think that has led to the last few days, today she has been a little better so we will see.

[Bekka]

dd2 had tantrums like you're describing, starting at like 16 or 18 months. She was quite verbally advanced, so could say what she wanted, but she still reacted strongly to EVERYTHING.

It took me some years to learn her triggers and how to help head off at least some of the tantrums. She needed large quantities of protein. If she was tired or hungry, that was when she usually would trip a tantrum. Also on a day the routine was significantly different from usual. Her nap schedule was quite rigid according to her needs, so she needed to stick to it carefully; much more than any of my other children.

She grew up to be a "highly sensitive child" by age 3 or so; there's a website

www.highlysensitivechild.com

She is now 9 1/2. Her tantrums are seldom; she knows about the protein connection and eats jerky like it's going out of style. When she's having a "tantrum" it's more like "in a snit" these days. The tantrums started to roll off around age 4. Hang in there.

[Latte Mama]

Thanks for that site, I think I may be a HSP! Too soon to tell for DS but I'll keep it bookmarked.

[stormborn]

Nak...Call me lazy (dh does) but I give in a great deal of the time. Dd can throw some whoppers and usually it's just not worth the wear and tear on both of us. Half the time, as in your example, it's really not a big deal either way and when I really stop to consider it I find that my "No"'s are arbitrary. FWIW I dealt with my now 8 yo the same way and she's in no way manipulative. At the toddler age they are still babies, really.