Dealing with manipulative ex

[Hollycrand]

I am at my wit's end. I have been strong, and continue to be so. But my ex continues to insist that I am the one who has all the problems, doesn't act right, and is the reason why he acts the way he does.

Yesterday we met for lunch to discuss the calendar for our two DDs (we do 3 days, 4 days - shared custody). Exh is taking quite a few days off (he has 4 weeks annual vacation - I don't have any because I just started my job) to take care of the kids during their 2 week Christmas break, and so told me he should have extra evenings off. I agreed to this, but then stated I would like to have the 31st free. Originally we had planned to spend Christmas together, for the girls, but now he's saying he doesn't want to (due to my 'attitude' yesterday) and has given me the choice of having the girls December 24/25 or December 31/January 1. I don't mind this, but he sent me an angry e-mail yesterday afternoon, and three this morning. Accusing me of ignoring his emails. I am at work, and have quite a lot on my plate right now (studying for my insurance exam next week on top of everything) so I just don't have the time or energy to feed his anger or to think of a nice whitty statement that would be calm, yet effective.

Because of our two girls, I have to deal with this guy, but how can I ignore his attempts at trying to chip away at my armour??

Anyone BTDT??

[Halfasianmomma]

Holly, I'm *right there* with you, with repeated emails at my place of employment, nasty calls when my boss is standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, texts, etc etc.

So far, what has worked was
a) redirecting his email into a folder call "Moron...read this later"
b) repeatedly responding to whatever he sent with "we'll talk in mediation".
c) only respond to "business items" such as visitation times, dates, details...I ingore all insults, invitations to fight, but log everything in a hand-written journal for future use (I was advised about the hand-written journal by a family law judge I consulted).
d) detach detach detach

You know as well as I that manipulative controlling men will blame-shift to everyone around them to avoid looking at themselves. It's known tactic and it's impossible to deal with.

Since you X is toxic, perhaps avoid meeting with him in person and keep all contact to written form, so that it's easier to remove all emotion from your communication and it gives you time to respond if he does provoke you.

*hugs* consider me your break-up buddy. We should form a club

[*MamaJen*]

Dealing with it right now....ugh. My ex is of the "nice guy", victim, passive aggressive variety of manipulative. However, he's graduating into sarcasm, strings of abusive text messages, and totally inappropriate behavior. I was really prepared to be friends with him but god, he's toxic. I'm at my wit's end.
I guess the best tactic is boundaries and detachment. Pick your battles, be aware of blame shifting, don't engage, and be thankful you're no longer with him. I think we pretty much just have to be the bigger people. We have to be the grownups, because they certainly aren't doing so.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Send him an email back with the angry emails attached. In it, write, "I'm giving a copy of these to my lawyer, would you like to add anything else?" Also tell him you are recording all of your phone conversations, even if you aren't. If you have to see him in person and he starts verbally abusing you, calmly say, "Hold on a sec," and whip out a voice recorder. Turn it on and calmly say, "OK, go..."

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

Dealing with it right now....ugh. My ex is of the "nice guy", victim, passive aggressive variety of manipulative. However, he's graduating into sarcasm, strings of abusive text messages, and totally inappropriate behavior. I was really prepared to be friends with him but god, he's toxic. I'm at my wit's end.
I guess the best tactic is boundaries and detachment. Pick your battles, be aware of blame shifting, don't engage, and be thankful you're no longer with him. I think we pretty much just have to be the bigger people. We have to be the grownups, because they certainly aren't doing so.

This is my ex and I exactly! (kinds nice to know I am not alone in my experience) I agree with everything especially the portion I placed in bold.

The bulk of my parenting plan is all boundaries so that I minimize the toxic energy my ex brings.

[pinetree]

I like the idea of redirecting to a folder with that title!

My response is to calmly assume that I have 24-48 hours to respond without anyone outside of the situation being upset. Anything within that time period is perfectly fine and even something outside of that timeline is acceptable at times.

Write a response immediately when you have a chance but DO NOT SEND IT. Then wait until you have a chance to breathe and come back and edit it. When he sends multiple emails in one day - especially if they are all about the same topic - then respond with a single email. If they are about different topics, you can choose to respond all at once or individually. It's your choice though. This also gives you a chance to keep emotion out of the emails. Remember, if you are angry once, he WILL hold it against you despite the vast amount of anger that he consistently shows. You have to be the perfect co-parent in this senario.

If he is sending more than one email per day about the same topic, limit yourself to one response per day only. This is plenty despite what he may claim.

If you have still retained a lawyer, bcc your lawyer on every email that you and your ex exchange. Your lawyer will have the total picture this way and will be able to better defend you if your ex claims that you are non-communicative.

[Aquafina]

Oh Mama just read this & feel really bad that you are dealing with this right now during your exam ( congrats & good luck) and christmas time.

I would be calm with him.I used to fight back with my EX. I finally got to the point I would be calm quite and just ignore him.

Can you spend half day with the girls on christmas?

He sounds like a toxic man.


Sending good vibes your way.

[LankyLizards]

Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul

Send him an email back with the angry emails attached. In it, write, "I'm giving a copy of these to my lawyer, would you like to add anything else?" Also tell him you are recording all of your phone conversations, even if you aren't. If you have to see him in person and he starts verbally abusing you, calmly say, "Hold on a sec," and whip out a voice recorder. Turn it on and calmly say, "OK, go..."

I love this. I agree that sometimes they are more childish and immature than the actual children involved. I've been single mothering for over 4 years and DD's "father" has not once acted like an actual adult. Not to discourage you! I KNOW it's possible, but we cannot allow ourselves to just trust that they will do the right thing and must always be prepared to step up and well, do things like those mentioned above. Exert the power we have.

Good luck and hugs!

[runes]

Right there with you too, mama. So sorry about all these toxic men.

I no longer respond. He sometimes sends me multiple huge emails going on and on. He tends to have verbal diarrhea like that. I just answer the questions that require a timely answer and let go of the rest.

It's not worth it to get into it with them. That's what they want. They are looking for any way to engage, and when you don't, it pisses them off to no end.

It's hard but you can do it!

[artist1]

there is no reasoning with these men. I spent years believing I had mental health problems, was rubbish with money, that I was responsible for everything. I have been free for three years but we have to communicate because of the kids. He is not a good dad and is particularly lacking with one of them who has autism. He does not parent as an adult. After having my eyes open to the manipulation and abuse, the gradual destruction of my confidence-hell he even managed to get me to apologise after I found out about his affair-it was apparently my fault-and everyone else believing him, including my son's social worker, I realised that the only thing I could do was to ignore him. I stopped discussing with him, buying into his manipulations. It was really annoying for him as he couldnt control me any more. If I had responded to him he would have felt justified in what he did to me and he would not feel guilt. I believe he is incapable of thinking about anyone but himself.  These manipulative men cannot reason and you should NOT spend time with him. Make a formal agreement about when he sees the children and STICK to it. There is nothing more satisfying that ignoring the pompous, long-winded put down texts-I dont even read them-just delete them. Eventually people will see him for what he is-they have started to with my ex. I cant believe I spent all those years with him allowing him to put me down. He also badly attacked me once physically although I didnt tell at the time and was not believed when it eventually came out. He claimed he had a book deal for three years and I think he is still telling his family this-its been six years of delays and still this book isnt published......these men take a little chink of weakness in you and use it to destroy you-keep it very business-like as has been said. Its the only way believe me.

[bananabee]

My ex was/is one of those. It's better now that the divorce is final and he's out of state. 

I did copy everything to my attorney, and I didn't warn ex at all. Why try to get him to behave better? Let him shoot himself in the foot. Usually I would just reply calmly and CC my attorney with my response and his previous email attached below. Gmail makes it easy to do that. My ex started noticing and got pissed that my attorney was getting paid for reading his nasty emails, and tried to bully me into not doing that. Of course, I ignored him. Money was the only thing that mattered to him, so that was the only pressure point I had on him, whereas he knew all my buttons - custody, visitation, how he treats DD, and financial issues. My attitude toward him was "Go ahead. MAKE MY DAY. Do your worst!" because it would all come back later to bite him in the rear if he tried to twist my arm again. Whenever he'd threaten me with stuff like declaring me an unfit mother and taking "the child", as he referred to DD, I'd just say "That is not going to happen. Go ahead and try!" and laugh at him. I was still a nervous wreck on the inside, but he didn't know that. 

When he'd write particularly nasty things or say nasty things or want to "make a deal", I'd tell him he could reach me through my attorney.  I hate people who act like these guys. Two parents should not be enemies, but these guys make it impossible not to be.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by artist1 

Eventually people will see him for what he is

Write this down and post in on your mirror or desk at work if you need to. Sometimes we need to read something over and over before we assimilate it. But it is so very true eventually everyone removes there blinders and sees others for what they really are. Sometimes we see the truth in a person first and sometimes we are blind to the truth while our closest friends and loved ones see it first but in the end one cannot hide from the truth forever.

[sonshinegrace]

Grrrr. My ex is a manipulative, controlling bastard too. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!! Print every email and make yourself a file. 

[momma,mia]

I feel like I am in a similar situation.  I have decided that I can't pretend we are friends.  He wants to pretend we are friends one day and then I'm chewed out the next day.  It was so confusing to keep up with how he was going to be with me from day to day because I never knew.  I am doing similar things like the PP s have mentioned.  We stick to the court papers.  Rarely do we make our own agreements because those always come back to bite me.  I limit chit chat with him about anything other than the important discussions about the kids and I keep that very brief and formal.  Whenever I get one of the phone calls that turns into everything being my fault and getting belittled by him, I hang up the phone or sit the phone down and let him rant to the table. 

It has taken a long time to even begin to see myself through my own eyes again.  For so long, I only saw myself through his eyes and whatever opinion he had of me.  I assumed that since we were together that he must really know how I am.  I have felt for years like somehow everything really was my fault.  He even blamed me for the break up with his girlfriend.  I am still working on letting go of all that and I have found I do much better when my contact with him is limited.  It's kind of funny to look back and think, wow, if I am at fault for all that goes wrong then I must have been and still be pretty powerful, lol. 

I don't know, I just know life is too short and beautiful to live that way.