I have been divorced for 2 years now. It was a bitter divorce due to the emotional abuse that I was put through during and now after our marriage. I'm pretty sure he had cheated once or twice during our marriage also. He is brilliant when it comes to manipulating me and making me feel like I'm worthless, then perfect, then worthless again. He would make me feel like dirt then find a way to make it up to me so I would hang on. He would make comments to anything on how I wore my hair, to the color of it, the clothes I wore all the way down to my shoes. Then he would tell me how beautiful I was the next day....total confusion. I couldn't measure up to this mans expectations. He wouldn't allow me to make any decisions as far as finances were concerned as I didn't have a degree and he was the main bread winner in the house so he could do whatever he wanted with "his" money. I would try so hard to gain his approval. I wasn't allowed to email him at work or call as he didn't have time for me and he was busy working. The man also had OCD tendencies. This I didn't mind so much as I have some of my own, however, if there was anything left out on any counter in the house....I would hear about it. I wasn't allowed to cook meals as it was too messy and he never appreciated them anyway.
He also was a drinker....Not an all the time drinker, but when we went to concerts, out with friends or family he didn't stop until he was hammered. He would get so bad that at one point he was actually (beer) bonging captain morgan and diet pepsi.....yup....then he fell over and smashed his head on the captain morgan bottle....and believe me there is more, but it would be a novel by the time I done.
The one good thing that came from the abuse and ridiculous treatment was our son who is now 3. And.....with all good things that deal with my ex....the bad is always right behind. When I got pregnant my ex and I were so excited....or so I thought. I see all of these women with gorgeous pregnancy photos....I however, was not allowed due to "cost" and the fact that he said he would take some each month so I had a momento of how big my belly got. That lasted one time...then he actually asked me to take photos of himself because he had started the P-90X work out......YUP I had a winner. When I was 3 months pregnant he went to an all weekend concert with his friends complete with camping and drunk chicks. I told him that I would meet him there for at least one concert, but didn't want to stay and camp due to the majorly over drunk people. I arrived and called his cell...no answer...I called and called but nothing. Being pregnant and alone at a concert.....gets you slightly teary eyed. I went to my parents house and spent the night there. I called him in the morning and left him a message saying how upset I was that I couldn't get a hold of him. I tried one of his friends and they picked up. I asked him where my husband was and he said he didn't know. I was very upset. He finally called me back a while later and yelled at me. He said that he knew I would be like this and that I would ruin his fun. Yup......his pregnant wife would ruin his fun. I balled my eyes out. There was no discussion after that.
Our son was born and due to major complications I almost bled to death. They had to do a hysterectomy in order to save my life. He was there by my side, but not for long.
When we got home it was the beginning of a long recovery process as I had blood transfusions and a very large incision. He got annoyed as we couldn't be intimate for awhile due to the massive trauma I went through. A few weeks later I found out that I would have to undergo another surgery yup.....just what a women wants to hear after almost bleeding out. What my husband heard however....no sex for several more weeks. Hence his infidelities....and that wasn't even the last surgery. I had a total of 3. On mothers day I had the last straw, we had our mothers over for lunch and my mom wanted to take me shopping but he refused to watch our son while I enjoyed a little time away with my mom. I also had to clean up before I left....when my mom tried to explain how grateful she was that I survived and just wanted to spend time with me because she almost lost me his response was...."how long is that going to be an excuse". That month I filed for divorce.
The divorce was awful. I didn't move out right away due to the age of our son. I tried to stay out of his way, but he made it clear that he had found someone new. He told me how wonderful true love felt and how perfect a match they were for each other. He wouldn't stop talking about her. When I saw a picture of her I knew that I had seen her before from some pictures of a party that he had at our cabin the August before....he didn't think I would notice but the divorce was under way and I wasn't about to let him know that I was deeply hurt. He even asked me if I could go away for the weekend so he could have his new girlfriend come over. He even told me that he was taking down our pictures of us so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable when she was there. The verbal abuse was not fun to take and majorly damaged the last shred of self esteem I had. He told me I was fat and the only man that would want me was because he wanted more cushion for the pushing....and even tried to continue sleeping with me during that time. If only his little chippy and now fiance knew that, but I have a little bit more class than that. She will get hers later I'm sure :) I found some texts that they sent to each other throughout this time...yeah I know my fault for snooping but the stuff he was telling her hurt more than anything. He was the sweetest most romantic guy in these texts. Saying they should write love letters to each other so when the relationship hits hardships they can open the letters and remember why they are together....Everything I wanted in a partner...he was giving her. I finally had enough and moved out because I couldn't take anymore of being called trailer trash and everything else under the sun. I found a cute apartment and not even a day later....she moved in. If that's not enough to screw with your head.
During the divorce it was non stop arguing over our son. Where he should go to day-care even though he was already established, having his new girlfriend now picking up our son from school and whenever I didn't agree to his demands he would resort to name calling and threats of mediation. He even was feeding a line of BS to his friends about how I was trying to take his son away from him. No offense to woman who actually try to do this, but I'm not one of them. I also contain a very large amount of common sense and know that the likely hood of taking him away is zip. I also know that I decided to have a baby with him and he is his father.
After several looooooong months it was finally over. The divorce was final and I thought I finally had reached emotional freedom from this man. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The only way I communicate with him is through email due to his lack of being able to keep his opinions and insults to himself, however, this did not satisfy him. Emails are wonderful. You can choose when you open it. You can choose when to respond and you have documented proof. I started to see a counselor and that has been very helpful. My counselor says that I suffer from battered wife syndrom as I keep trying to look for his approval and I will never get it. I have been going through great times of sadness and panic attacks because I'm always afraid of the emails or texts. I have finally found peace and the ability to stand up for myself. I found a man that loves me with every fiber of his being and also has a daughter my son's age. He has been my rock through a lot of this continued abuse.
My ex and I continue to go rounds. He tries to tell me how to parent and I choose to ignore which only makes him angry. Then my last straw was met. He told me that he had to go to Florida and that his fiance was going to be taking his place on his days/nights that he was scheduled to have him. I told him no. She has no legal right to our child and you are not allowed by law to lend out your placement times to someone other than me. I told him that I will be picking up our son on his days from school.
His fiance actually had the nerve to contact me and told me that I needed to tell my son that he is no longer allowed to go to her parents this week as she didn't want to be the one ripping the boys heart out. I sent her an email back letting her know that until she has children of her own she has no opinion or say in what goes on with my child. She is my ex-husbands finace and soon to be wife and nothing more. I said she would do well to remind her self that she is not his mother. This really pissed off my ex. He sent me an email stating that my treatment to them is completely wrong and that I'm a horrible co-parent. He told me that I use our child as leverage against them and that I need to be stopped and is contacting a mediator. Major drama session if I do say so myself. I responded to him and said that his fiance has no legal right to our child. When he cannot care for him our son will be with me. It's the law and if he feels he needs to hear it from a mediator bring it on.
He then went into a song and dance about how I'm not a good Christian for doing this to his fiance and her parents and asked me what Jesus would do. He told me that I will be judged one day and that the law cannot make my child love or respect me. He told me that I am not a nice person for "ripping" our son away from his fiance....I was just thinking to myself isn't it a little presumptuous to think that she has any legal right to take over while he isn't there? Then I actually started allowing him to get to me and make me feel guilty. I have every right to have my child with me. I am his mother and she is not, legally they have nothing to say about it. Anyway I get to go back to mediation and hear him slander my name and try to sell me as the bad parent while trying to make himself and his new fiance look like the victims.
Does anyone have any answers on how to handle this from now on?
Am I wrong in thinking that my son should be with me if his father can't instead of his fiance?
If the custody is 50/50 time sharing and placement do I HAVE to discuss things with him if not necessary? Obviously with decision making issues I would, but I don't want to have to be in constant communication with him as I'm done getting verbally abused via email.
I don't want to be face to face with him. I'm terrified I will crumble like a piece of paper and resort back to allowing him to run my life and my emotions.
Edited by mommajlove - 10/20/12 at 10:15am