DH completely opposed, would you UC anyway?

[JamesMama]

My midwife just took an extended leave of absence for personal reasons (not sure what is going on). I was planning on a hospital birth with a midwife. I had that with my DD and it went well. I'm not opposed to birthing in a hospital with my midwife.

Well now I don't have my midwife.

My care has been transferred to an OB who is super super super intervention friendly, very much the MEDICAL model of care pregnancy/child birth is a MEDICAL EVENT which must be treated within an inch of it's life. Or a GP (they share call, I could get either 1...it's a crapshoot) who does childbirth. She is slightly (slightly slightly) LESS intervention happy and has SLIGHTLY less of a God complex going on but still VERY MUCH Medical model. Very much that unless everything in labor is 1000% text book it is a medical event and requires immediate medical intervention.

So...

My labors aren't text book. My water breaks, I hang out for a while...then a couple hours later I'll start having contractions. From there my ctx are less than 2 minutes apart and the baby is born in no time flat.

Well I'm sure neither dr will be okay with my plans. I'm sure they won't adhere to my wishes.

I have an appt with the GP next week to get the GBS test and I will go over my birth plan with her at that time.

The fact is I am scared to death, literally terrified a bundle of nerves and constantly on the verge of throwing up since I heard I will have to see this OB. I could just be sick. I do not want this. I don't, at all.

I don't want an OB, I chose a hospital 25 miles from our home BECAUSE they employed a midwife. There is a hospital chock full of OB's 2 miles from my front door, if I wanted an OB I'd save myself the 25 mile sprint across the county in December and go down the road 7 blocks, kwim?

Well, dh is 100% opposed. When I say 'opposed' I mean when I brought up the subject he said "No, we are not discussing it. I will not deliver the baby. I won't do it." When I mentioned having a few mama girlfriends come by to help he said "Thats fine, you have them over, I'll go to the bar. You can call me when you're done killing the baby." Honest to goodness.

I don't know what to do.

Whose fears win here?

I'm 100% okay with a UC...when I think about just doing a UC...not dealing with the OB and stuff I loose that sick feeling in my stomach, I don't feel as worried or uptight...I see it as the perfect alternative.

But if I UC DH will be scared to death and worried.

Who gets to be worried?

A homebirth midwife would be an alternative, but I have 5 weeks or less. I live in Iowa, homebirth is basically unheard of...I have no idea how to go about finding one in the next 30 days. Plus we don't have a penny to our names, I have no way of paying for one...I couldn't even make payments our money is too tight each month.

Help??

[wahlmn]

Honestly I think this is one of those decisions where if both partners are not onboard (having a UC) I wouldn't be able to do it. I know if I went ahead and did that without my DH's support it would really drive a wedge into our marriage and I don't think any birth choice is worth risking my marriage and our trust in each other.

[RolliePollie]

I would really try to force your husband to open up about his fears. I understand that he's worried, but as mom you are there to protect yourself and your child. And I'm afraid, that most hospitals don't care about your interests. It's possible to have a great birth, sure, but it's something you're really going to have to fight for. Well, it's sounds like it's something you may have to fight for either way. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I were you then I would sit my husband down and tell him why I want to UC and ask him why he's so afraid and see what I could do to alleviate his fears.

[starling&diesel]

If he remains opposed after your best, most diplomatic attempts at swaying his views, then no, I would not do a UC without his approval.

[Kathryn]

No, I wouldn't. Why not just hang out at home, after your water breaks, until you're ready to go in?

[greenmomhappymom]

I can understand, to a degree, your DH's fears and even though my DH is 100% on board with our MW assisted home birth, I don't think he would be too cool with UC.

That being said, why not do like Kathryn suggested, just stay home as long as you are comfortable. Then, just go into the hospital closest to home with DH ready to go to bat for you and your wishes.

That would be the discussion to have with him. Ok, fine, you are not cool with UC? Then I need you in my corner 110% with not letting the OB's push us around and force interventions on us.

Granted, not the best scenario but could be a compromise.

Oh, and why not look for a natural childbirth friendly OB (few and far between but they do exist) that attends the hospital close to home. You have a month, use it as best you can.

Best of luck to you!

[JamesMama]

I'm going to look into fully transfering my care. My first DS was born at the hospital nearest my house and they were constantly pushing formula, despite my refusals they kept pushing it. I will have to call and see if there are any OBs there taking new patients, especially a 35-week pregnanct patient. *sigh* I don't know if any of them are 'natural' friendly...I'll ask around.

DH won't be a good advocate. He has no backbone when it comes to 'authority' figures, he doesn't see an 'issue' with certian things.

With my first DS (OB in the hospital closest to us) the doctor used a long tool to shove a cervix lip out of the way despite my BEGGING him not to. I begged DH to make them stop (it hurt like hell) but he won't really stand up to doctors, he figures they know best.

I don't know if I can depend on him.

I have a friend who MIGHT be able to help me, but she has a very young newborn so I don't know if she'd be able to leave her...and the hospital closest to us has a strict NO CHILDREN allowed rule going on now due to H1N1 and the hospital in the other town, I don't know if they will recognize her as an authority figure...

I would love to go to the midwifery practice in the city but it's over an hour away, I don't know if we'd make it. My labor with DD was 3 hours long...depending on the roads it could take upwards of 2 hours to get into the city (longer when you factor in us having to drive to my mom or a friends house to drop off our older 2)
I'm honestly scared to DEATH of going in there and waging battle with this OB. Never been more frightened in my LIFE...

this sucks...

[MsBlack]

2 things:

1. Yes, I would UC with or without my partner. It's my body, and I am the one who lives very personally, forever, with what happens at birth. I would want someone there to give me a hand, but it would not have to be my partner. Birth is women's business, and IMO it is a man's job to support what makes his woman feel the most safe at birth--or go the bar and drink w/his buddies until the birth is over (or whatever his equivalent is...)--get himself and his fear OUT OF MY WAY.

2. Neither set of fears should 'win'. I can see being freaked out about having to deal with a highly medicalized birth after having birthed naturally and peacefully, and upset to think you might also have to deal with interference with your babe. That would really bug me, too. But if you are going to UC, or even have a hb w/a midwife, you need to be at peace with the actual decision, not running from fear. Your fear will only come with you and invade your UC.

Hopefully your dh will get over his initial emotional reaction, and come to a willingness to explore this with you openly. He does NOT have to 'deliver the baby'--YOU will be doing that. You and he both might want him to help catch the baby as it emerges--though it's not strictly necessary--but a dh at birth is NOT taking on the role of Dr, midwife, anything except his loving partner self.

And, just to put a different perspective out there--it is sometimes said that a woman who chooses a birth plan against her partner's willingness is 'driving a wedge into the relationship'. But I have to ask--isn't that partner the one 'driving the wedge', by refusing to openly engage in becoming informed about birth, by refusing becoming actively responsible at birth (in some way, even if not UC), by forcing his woman to choose 'me or the birth you want', by imposing his masculine will over an entirely feminine matter? To me, a good relationship is cooperative, and BOTH partners must feed a spirit of cooperation, respect and mutual support. I for one would not want a man who imposed his will over me that way (on the basis of fear, especially!). You can 'preserve' the relationship through capitulation...you can keep the man and 'keep the peace' (at a high price)--but you sure can't make it a real partnership that way. JMO

[Astraia]

If your husband is the exact OPPOSITE of support (anyone who can stand around while you beg them for help and to stop something that's hurting you is not someone I want in my corner) then you need to either hire a doula or tell him that his complete inability to help you make safe and healthy choices for the birth of your child means that you need to make the best decisions for you AND your baby.

Or hell, bring your mom in with you, or anyone who you know can stick up for you. I'd probably pick my mom over my husband any day if I was dealing with medical authority figures. My mom would definitely go to bat for me- she'd tackle the doctor if she thought it was necessary to keep him away from me.

It will be hard to be sure about the UC decision and know you're not approaching it from fear instead of a decisivness that "this is right." Fear can be a good motivator to pointing us where our hearts wanted to go anyway, but if you're approaching it from fear then it's easy for another fear to supersede it.

I also absolutely agree with MsBlack. I can't say it better then her, so I'll just say

[stiss]

Originally Posted by Kathryn

No, I wouldn't. Why not just hang out at home, after your water breaks, until you're ready to go in?

I would go this route as well, if you couldn't get the homebirth with a midwife (which I would still try for)...if you stay home until your contractions are good and strong, and if you can figure out how far along you are, than you can try and go in once things have a good pace. Also, I would talk to him about how if you're compromising for him, you'll need him to be your supporter when people start throwing interventions at you that you're not cool with.

I really believe that these decisions need to consider both parents. I realize that the mother is the one giving birth, but it's unfair to force a partner to agree to things they're not comfortable with, and it can be dangerous for you if things start to go south, since he won't be fully on board and in the moment. Good luck.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

And, just to put a different perspective out there--it is sometimes said that a woman who chooses a birth plan against her partner's willingness is 'driving a wedge into the relationship'. But I have to ask--isn't that partner the one 'driving the wedge', by refusing to openly engage in becoming informed about birth, by refusing becoming actively responsible at birth (in some way, even if not UC), by forcing his woman to choose 'me or the birth you want', by imposing his masculine will over an entirely feminine matter? To me, a good relationship is cooperative, and BOTH partners must feed a spirit of cooperation, respect and mutual support. I for one would not want a man who imposed his will over me that way (on the basis of fear, especially!). You can 'preserve' the relationship through capitulation...you can keep the man and 'keep the peace' (at a high price)--but you sure can't make it a real partnership that way. JMO

:
why should it be the mum who has to back down, after all it isn't the dad who will be getting unwanted/un-needed interventions forced on him.

[RolliePollie]

I have to say, I most definitely agree with MsBlack.

It's your body. Your DH isn't the one subjecting himself to abuse by hospital staff.

[Kidzaplenty]

I would absolutely UC, despite DH.

I would NEVER allow an OB such as the one you mentioned near me unless I had no choice or a medical emergency that required care.

[FreeRangeMama]

Honestly I think this is one of those decisions where if both partners are not onboard (having a UC) I wouldn't be able to do it. I know if I went ahead and did that without my DH's support it would really drive a wedge into our marriage and I don't think any birth choice is worth risking my marriage and our trust in each other.

Why is the OB at the hospital the default? That should be the decision that both people would have to agree on in order for it to happen. Submitting yourself to a high likelyhood of dangerous interventions to appease SOMEONE ELSE'S fears seems like it should not be the go-to choice unless both partners agree it is for the best. If my dh assumed that I would do that and refused to discuss any alternative I would assume he had no respect for me, my body, our baby, and my wishes. THAT would drive a wedge in our marriage for sure.

So yes, I obviously would birth UC even if my dh was opposed to the idea. It would be up to HIM to prove that it was the unsafe choice and we would only discuss it in a calm, rational manner if he had done some research or wanted to ask me questions about why I felt it to be the proper course of action. Otherwise I would assume that he wouldn't have chosen to create a new life with me unless he trusted me to gestate and birth in the safest possible manner and I would be the one to make the choices regarding my body and the baby I was carrying.

Ultimately this is something only you can decide. It is only up to you what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to sacrifice to make the birth the best it can be *for you*. I am sorry you are in a position to have to make these choices so late in your pregnancy! I hope you can find some peace in your decision whatever it may be

[Delicateflower]

Originally Posted by JamesMama

I would love to go to the midwifery practice in the city but it's over an hour away, I don't know if we'd make it. My labor with DD was 3 hours long...depending on the roads it could take upwards of 2 hours to get into the city (longer when you factor in us having to drive to my mom or a friends house to drop off our older 2)
I'm honestly scared to DEATH of going in there and waging battle with this OB. Never been more frightened in my LIFE...

this sucks...

How about getting in the car the moment your water breaks? Have your mother meet you on the way to take the kids.

[PotreroHill]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

1. Yes, I would UC with or without my partner. It's my body, and I am the one who lives very personally, forever, with what happens at birth. I would want someone there to give me a hand, but it would not have to be my partner. Birth is women's business, and IMO it is a man's job to support what makes his woman feel the most safe at birth--or go the bar and drink w/his buddies until the birth is over (or whatever his equivalent is...)--get himself and his fear OUT OF MY WAY.

[sunfish21]

Oh, so many thoughts, but I am sorry that you are in this situation. I would be worried too. Random responses....

IF it seems like the hospital is the best plan (for money and DH, but maybe not for you) then I would quickly find a doula that can fight for you at the hospital. Obviously your DH can't--and some people just aren't assertive enough--but you need to know that someone is running interference for you. That might make the intervention happy docs seems less intimidating.

That said, it is your body and you experience labor. Intense fear on your part is not going to help you. You need to feel at peace with whatever decision you make. I agree with others that a conversation with DH is in order--for you to understand his thoughts/fears and vice versa.

http://www.friendsofiowamidwives.org/

This would be a great place to start. Many midwives will barter, too...so don't let fear of money issues keep you from getting information

Best wishes--let us know what you decide.

[JamesMama]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

How about getting in the car the moment your water breaks? Have your mother meet you on the way to take the kids.

My mom might be at work...there isn't really an 'on the way' at least no half way point, it would take her 15 minutes to get to the only town we'd cross paths, it'll take us 5. If my moms at work my friend wouldn't be able to, she has 3 kids herself and wouldn't be able to fit her car seats plus mine.

This hospital isn't allowing children whatsoever so no one could even sprint up after us to take the kids.

DH and I had a huge fight...he threatened to leave. I don't know what to do. I wanted a UC before I got pregnant but went the hospital with a midwife route as a compromise. Now I'm stuck with an OB and a DH who 'says' he'll advocate for me but I don't know that I trust him.

I only have 1 'crunchy' friend that could doula for me, but again she has 3 kids and her DH works LONG hour so she might not be able to make it. Plus she has a very young nursling.

I don't know what to do...I've never been more scared of anything in my entire life than I am of going into this hospital with this OB.

Hell, DH even said I'm going off my rocker about the birth and threatened to have me committed.

Either way, I have an appt the 2nd with the GP to get my GBS test...and to go over my birth plan. We'll see what she says.

It's a very small hospital, basically there is rarely a nurse in OB unless there is a patient there (not every day, I think they did like 200 births last year) otherwise there is 1 OB nurse on schedule and she goes to the ER if she's not needed in OB.

[MsBlack]

Oh dear....so sorry to hear that your dh is reacting this way, so sorry you have to deal with that right now .

Just try to find some space and peace somewhere, JamesMama--away from the stressful influences as much as possible. Find the quiet, and you will find the way to your birth. There is a little time to work with; not much, but quite possibly some weeks yet.

And you know--when I was once just a little earlier in my pregnancy than you are now, I came to a showdown with my partner. It had been coming for awhile, as I suspect is true in your marriage as well. I had already told him that I was no longer going to put up with the way he spoke to me when angry, and that he had to get help with his anger or get out. He 'went there' one more time....and I told him, "No. I'm not listening to this. You may not speak to me that way" And I held my space.

And *he* left.

I know that late pregnancy is not the time when you want to risk being without your partner! But if your husband really loves you--and really wants to *be* a partner, then now is the time to insist that either he ACT like a partner or he step aside with his wishes about this birth. Maybe he has never acted quite this ferocious about any other issue...but somehow he has come to feel that he can have all the power in your relationship, even if it means behaving in an emotionally violent and manipulative way.

You might find that the best you can do *right now* is just accept his wishes for the time being, and get through this birth as best you can. Sometimes a woman has to do what she has to do in order to prevent too much upheaval all at once when she and LOs are vulnerable (like during advanced pregnancy! and the neonate time).

Either way-find that quiet, that peace where you can go forward in clear resolve about the birthplan you choose. Open your mind to help and possibilities, and just maybe you will find others to help you guys during the birth--a doula in training, someone. There is *always* another option, something you haven't thought of yet!

[JamesMama]

Right now I'm going to keep my appt with the GP on the 2nd to get my GBS test and go over my birth plan...the nurse scheduled me 'extra' time (a whopping 30 minutes vs their standard 15 minutes, I feel so cared about) to go over my plan. I'm forcing DH to come with me to get a read off of how hostile she is going to be.

I'm also going to schedule my 37-week appt with the OB and force DH to come to that one as well and I'll go over my birth plan with her as well....get a read of how hostile she is going to be.

In the meantime I have a couple of leads for having a midwife birth, either at home (which dh is semi-open to) or at a midwifery practice in the city. I don't even know if they'll take me this late in the game, but they're Plan B. Plan A is the homebirth midwife if I can round one up. I have a few leads, I'm going to sniff them out and see where they pan out. I'd prefer NOT deliver at the midwifery practice in the city because they're attached to a major hospital and this hospital has banned kids and everything and it's an hour away and I don't know how we'd arrange care for the kids for that long if H has to work.

I'm also going to probably talk to DH about one of my friends coming to be 2nd in command to fight for my rights if I do end up with this OB.

I flat out told him last night that he is forcing me into a situation where I feel afraid and powerless and where I stand a good chance of being physically and emotionally damaged. I told him I don't want the OB, I don't want that model of care. I don't want to have interventions forced on me or be harrassed because I decline. I told him I'm scared to death that the OB/GP will hurt me on PURPOSE because I'll be pissing them off. Then I told him that he is 100% responsible for making sure that (barring an actual medical emergency) my birth plan is followed to a T. He is to tell them "She does not consent to a hep-lock" when they try to force it. He is to tell them NO, we do not consent when they try to force monitoring. He is to tell them to suck it when I climb in the tub broken waters and all. I told him I will likely be contracting every 1-2 minutes (like I have in both previous births) so I will be unable to speak for myself. HE is responsible for speaking for me and making sure they don't hurt me.

He swears up and down he will make sure they don't force anything on me...so we'll see...