DH completely opposed, would you UC anyway? - Page 2

[ChristSavesAll]

Just wanted to add that I UC'd and dh was against it... I told him early on in the pregnancy and that helped so that with some time it had a chance to sink in. I showed him other homebirths and also tried to show him some hospital births that so he'd understand the difference for me and the baby. He never really read up on it though and wasn't a support person, he just distanced himself from me and the pregnancy. My mom on the other hand was unsure as well but studied up and became more and more sure of it and was the one helping me while I was pushing (though I was sitting on the floor and leaning against dh).

His view afterwards changed to some degree, he wasn't an advocate for UC but he was no longer against it or saw me as a crazy woman for wanting it.

Now I'm preggo again and due in another week, this little one will be a UC as well and this time dh, though has his concerns is very excited this time around. He has even been doing some reading about it and comes to me about articles he reads about how more babies die in the US than anywhere else despite the larger amount of money that is invested in maternity "care". I will be trying to make sure he is the one to catch (my mom caught last time).

So yes, I did do it without dh being on board and would do it again. Me and the baby are the ones who stand to lose from a hospital birth. Dh was simply projecting his uneducated fears on me and the birth.

Sometimes it helps to not only show the positive home birth stories or videos but the bad hospital ones as well, it's important to have a full view. There is one video that has the fathers perspective of the hospital births and it's very touching how much it affected them to stand by helplessly and watch the doctors force their hospital policy on their newborns and wives... this is of course since they had no idea they had a right to stand up for those rights.

[JamesMama]

The thing is that his sister, his cousin and his sister-in-law all had HORRIBLE experiences with an OB in the hospital.

His sister and his cousin both ended up with GBS, even after testing negative at the 36 week visit. Both were induced. Both had their baby with a broken collar bone. Both had their baby has to be resuscitated after birth. His sister's baby spend a week in the NICU. All this WITH an OB. He refuses to see that perhaps the OB caused 98% of the issues.

His sister in law was given an Epi the minute she walked in the door then (surprise surprise) her bp crashed, she did not progress, baby's heart rate started to crash (she was not properly hydrated prior to getting the epi) and she had to have an emergency c-section.

He has all the horror stories all within the last 3 years.

He figures since DS was fine with an OB and DD 'almost died' (cord tightly around her neck) with a midwife that makes the decision.

I'm going to call around and see if I can round up a homebirth midwife. I told DH that we'll just have to figure out how to pay for it if I can find one. He said that's okay, he just wants someone who knows what they are doing here. I can respect that I suppose. I just hope I'm able to find someone between now and then. I called a woman who used to be a midwife at our local hospital (she left in October when the OB came on staff) but she's not in the office today. I'll call back Monday. She's VERY VERY VERY gung-ho about natural birth, was going to show me how to do an unassisted birth since my labors are so fast...I might be able to beg her to come to my house. We'll see. If she hears that the other midwife jumped ship and I'm stuck with the OB she might take pity on me. She was pretty anti-this OB, and a she knows my desire for a normal birth so...I'll beg or at least ask her to point me in the direction of someone else willing. If need be I'll leave her name off everything (she is a CNM) and do it completely off the grid, I don't care. DH said that's okay so long as there is someone here...I told him we might have to lie and say he did it (if we can found up a CPM) and he said he'd do that...he has no issues with lying so long as he doesn't have to actually DO it.

[MsBlack]

Yay for you, woman!

I am SO happy for you, that you are not just caving-in to Dh's fear, but are standing up, telling him how you feel and what the possible effects of his choice are, insisting that he help you--oh, all that. This is wonderful to see!

Whatever happens now--wherever you birth, with whichever kind of care, I think you'll have the best, safest experience possible for you/baby. I mean, for your sake I sure will say a prayer for a hb-helper to materialize for you, of course! But it is your empowered attitude that will make all the difference, whatever the other details of your birth end up being.

You go!

[onelilguysmommy]

I too think that it is up to the person birthing but do realize that if he is threatening things then it is stressful for you and hurts you. I hope that you're helped!

[WindyCityMom]

This was sort of my situation, I haven't UCed yet and my DH is mostly on board, he's really birth-phobic and I found that us having in depth talks about what was going on and his fears has helped us a great deal.

We went from him threatening to call 911 and lie to them as soon as I began having ctx and other such BS to him being very supportive (except for his occasional points of regression... which are minor and I hope dissapear before the birth).

Ours was very last minute as well, 33-34wks I made the decision.

If I were you I wouldn't let those doctors near me Sorry your midwife had to go on leave.

[zoebird]

i have to say that your dialoguing is great to read about. i'm glad that there is a process here.

to answer the initial question--your fears win. your body will be going through this, you are the one who has the greatest chance of injury, and you are the one bearing the emotional responsibility either way (even if the doctor "takes" it from you). thus, your fears win over his.

if you cannot find a homebirth midwife, you might be able to find a retired midwife or unlicensed one who will back you up. they may not attend the birth, but that's ok too.

if your husband feels the need to go to a bar, then you can solo UC or have a few mamas over for emotional (etc) support.

[MammaHenErin]

To answer your original question, no I would not UC if my husband was that mad about it. Not to cave to his fears, but I would be upset if I knew my husband was so scared about it.
I am glad you have been able to talk with your husband more on the issue. When you go to your prenatal appts you might be able to see if he is willing to step up there. Try testing the dr and see how your husband reacts.
I hope you can find a midwife. I think that is a good compromise.
I just want to point out that if you do end up with a hospital birth, you could leave several hours after the birth if you are up to it, and then yo udont' have to worry about them trying to sneak formula to your baby!

[Serenyd]

Just want to say, hope it works out! DP wasn't on board before my 1st UC, but was totally on board by #2 - it's a process and you can't force it, keep working on him! If you can find a midwife, great! Sometimes it's hard to find one because they are "underground" so to speak and don't advertise ect. Keep us updated!

[thefreckledmama]

Originally Posted by MammaHenErin

To answer your original question, no I would not UC if my husband was that mad about it. Not to cave to his fears, but I would be upset if I knew my husband was so scared about it.

Probably even more so than the above, I wouldn't want to try to UC in an non supportive environment, which my home would most likely be if my husband was against it. I can't even imagine what a tense, uncomfortable situation that would be.

[Kelly1101]

If he is absolutely balking about UC and you can't do it without him, but he can't advocate for you, GET A DOULA. He should have no problem paying a doula, if you're compromising for his wishes. Were I you, I wouldn't go to that hospital without a doula.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by JamesMama

I'm going to call around and see if I can round up a homebirth midwife. If she hears that the other midwife jumped ship and I'm stuck with the OB she might take pity on me. She was pretty anti-this OB, and a she knows my desire for a normal birth so...I'll beg or at least ask her to point me in the direction of someone else willing. If need be I'll leave her name off everything (she is a CNM) and do it completely off the grid, I don't care. DH said that's okay so long as there is someone here...I told him we might have to lie and say he did it (if we can found up a CPM) and he said he'd do that...he has no issues with lying so long as he doesn't have to actually DO it.

That's what I did, in 1989. We uc'd cuz there weren't any midwives, and he caught the baby, and that's what we told the Vital Statistics people, when we went to fill out the birth certificate...How did your birth go?

[ann_of_loxley]

For me, if DH was not completely on board I would 1). seriously try to get him on board and then 2). at the end of the day, I would have to listen to my body - because it will be MY body going into labour and having this baby... and if that said 'stay away from OB hospital! (and my body would be screaming that lol)...then I would have to just go with that.
I would need support though. Even though my DH is on board, hes not my 'support' - I have a close friend for that. I would still need that.

[jeminijad]

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

Why is the OB at the hospital the default? That should be the decision that both people would have to agree on in order for it to happen. Submitting yourself to a high likelyhood of dangerous interventions to appease SOMEONE ELSE'S fears seems like it should not be the go-to choice unless both partners agree it is for the best. .

This!

She wants a UC, he says no = she drives a wedge
He wants an intervention happy OB, she says no = he drives a wedge

I get why a woman wants to have respect for her husband's feelings, but he ain't getting a lick more respect out of me than he gives me!

I take it there are no birth centers in the area?

[Kelly1101]

She hasn't posted since mid-Dec, hope everything's okay...

[mamakori]

Originally Posted by JamesMama

Whose fears win here?

I haven't had time to read through all of the replies here, but I would be very cautious about making the decision either way based on fear. Research, intuition, experience, are all valid reasons. But IMHO, we don't make our best decisions when they are based on fear.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

2 things:

1. Yes, I would UC with or without my partner. It's my body, and I am the one who lives very personally, forever, with what happens at birth. I would want someone there to give me a hand, but it would not have to be my partner. Birth is women's business, and IMO it is a man's job to support what makes his woman feel the most safe at birth--or go the bar and drink w/his buddies until the birth is over (or whatever his equivalent is...)--get himself and his fear OUT OF MY WAY.

2. Neither set of fears should 'win'. I can see being freaked out about having to deal with a highly medicalized birth after having birthed naturally and peacefully, and upset to think you might also have to deal with interference with your babe. That would really bug me, too. But if you are going to UC, or even have a hb w/a midwife, you need to be at peace with the actual decision, not running from fear. Your fear will only come with you and invade your UC.

Hopefully your dh will get over his initial emotional reaction, and come to a willingness to explore this with you openly. He does NOT have to 'deliver the baby'--YOU will be doing that. You and he both might want him to help catch the baby as it emerges--though it's not strictly necessary--but a dh at birth is NOT taking on the role of Dr, midwife, anything except his loving partner self.

And, just to put a different perspective out there--it is sometimes said that a woman who chooses a birth plan against her partner's willingness is 'driving a wedge into the relationship'. But I have to ask--isn't that partner the one 'driving the wedge', by refusing to openly engage in becoming informed about birth, by refusing becoming actively responsible at birth (in some way, even if not UC), by forcing his woman to choose 'me or the birth you want', by imposing his masculine will over an entirely feminine matter? To me, a good relationship is cooperative, and BOTH partners must feed a spirit of cooperation, respect and mutual support. I for one would not want a man who imposed his will over me that way (on the basis of fear, especially!). You can 'preserve' the relationship through capitulation...you can keep the man and 'keep the peace' (at a high price)--but you sure can't make it a real partnership that way. JMO

YES YES YES!!!

My first freebirth was with ds3 after 2 c/s. My dh was not on board, so I told him I would go to the OB, and I did and reported the requirements he had for me and my labour. My dh thought they were outrageous, but stuck to his fear for the whole pg, although he did relent and stop talking to me about them toward he end when I told him that I need to focus on my body and pts from my traumatic births so that I could successfully have a beautiful and healing birth. He mostly stopped.

Our agreement was that he would not be in the room with me if he was afraid, and that he would only observe since I was very sure about doing it solo, but he didn't want me to be alone. Later, he asked if he could call support for him! So, after I began the last day of labour (I had four weeks of nightly prodromal), he called our friend who is also a mw, and she stayed with him and explained things to him as the labour progressed.

So we had a mw present for my dh in another room and she supported him and his fears and that left me completely free to enjoy every last moment of labour, which I did. He did occasionally come and give me water and offer me food (thanks to our friend who sent him in to do that. I love her ).

I would not have hesitated to freebirth even had he retained his fears. He had ample opportunity to read and learn and didn't then. He did with my second freebirth though and even following the first one, he was a changed man; he became a sometimes embarrassingly outspoken advocate for freebirthing and also for the empowerment of women in matters of childbirthing and rearing. He couldn't be convinced otherwise now! I am amazed at how vehemently he defends women even when they are not willing or don't even know that their choices are being overtly limited.

I didn't know if dh would come around with the first freebirth, but in my situation, my first c/s was done by an ignorant and deliberately deceptive OB who took my 20 wk u/s dated baby approx. 8 weeks prematurely (oops )so she could go on vacation and still have the money, the second one assaulted me and nearly killed me on the table and sent me to icu for three hours pp with no baby of course (ds2 stayed with dh), and then the third one I saw for dh's sake stated exactly this, "If I let you attempt a trial of labour, I will lose political capital. Do you know what political capital means?"

My dh was free to see any one of those OBs if he wanted to, but there was NO WAY they or anyone like them was going to touch me or my baby unless I was already dead or would be otherwise- for real.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Originally Posted by mamakori

I haven't had time to read through all of the replies here, but I would be very cautious about making the decision either way based on fear. Research, intuition, experience, are all valid reasons. But IMHO, we don't make our best decisions when they are based on fear.

I agree, but it can be an excellent motivator! I started my journey in fear, and my first freebirth came without any residue of it left. It was a very hard journey for me- to completely switch paradigms, work through pts, learn so much about birth and then about myself in the midst of that and then finally have fulfilled what I previously didn't know was a dream- a powerful, healing, beautiful and peaceful birth: my third son.

My initial fear-based decision was to quit seeing the OB (I called in sick because I actually felt ill at the prospect of going again), and then from there flowed non-fear based rational, experiencial, and intuitive decisions- ones made in confidence and desire. The initial fear was a key to freeing myself from an unnecessary and dangerous inappropriate power-imbalanced relationship.

I think fear is a lot like pain or anger in that it alerts us to something being 'off' and it can be used effectively to point us to what that thing is so that we have the opportunity to make decisions based in the more rational or intuitive parts of ourselves.

I used fear rather effectively when I decided not to go down dark alleys or streets on my way home from work as a teen. Fear isn't bad and it doesn't prevent us from making beneficial decisions, but we can overextend its use by acting from instinct when we need to use our intellects to analyse and conclude. It is important to recognise that it is fear we are experiencing so that we can make decisions when the situation isn't truly fight-or-flight- which isn't really a decision-making process but rather instinct.

I wouldn't discourage a fear-based decision like not being able to stomach seeing an OB so quitting, but if that state of fear became the continual condition of the mother during pg, then I'd definitely want to lend some empowering support to get rid of it. Certainly perpetuity of fear would be a huge over-extension of its use and benefit.

[seattlemamma]

And, just to put a different perspective out there--it is sometimes said that a woman who chooses a birth plan against her partner's willingness is 'driving a wedge into the relationship'. But I have to ask--isn't that partner the one 'driving the wedge', by refusing to openly engage in becoming informed about birth, by refusing becoming actively responsible at birth (in some way, even if not UC), by forcing his woman to choose 'me or the birth you want', by imposing his masculine will over an entirely feminine matter? To me, a good relationship is cooperative, and BOTH partners must feed a spirit of cooperation, respect and mutual support. I for one would not want a man who imposed his will over me that way (on the basis of fear, especially!). You can 'preserve' the relationship through capitulation...you can keep the man and 'keep the peace' (at a high price)--but you sure can't make it a real partnership that way. JMO

AMEN

I do have to admit that if my husband wasn't on board it would definitely hinder my birth process. If he is still opposed after discussion then I would go in after my water breaks or you could have an oops the baby is coming moment. Good Luck and I hope and pray it all comes together to bring you a peaceful birth and healthy baby.